Is my man incapable of moving forward?

[Miss Mary Mac]

I've never been married. Although it's something I've hoped for it doesn't rule my life or my relationships. In my very early teen years I found myself in an abusive relationship with a sociopath who consequently went to prison for many years. During that time I grew and with the help of God, family, and counseling I became a strong independent single mother and managed to raise two beautiful, intelligent, respectful and very self-confident daughters.

 

When my oldest was going through her terrible teens I realized I needed to focus all of my attention on my girls so I ended my 2 yr relationship with a good man. This man continued to attempt to be in my life and after a couple years we began "dating" again. After a year of casual dating we resumed our relationship although I made it clear that I didn't want to move in together or marry until I finished raising my girls. He agreed and I was able to maintain focusing on my family while balancing our relationship. My oldest child worked through her demons and grew into womanhood finding a great career in which she excels...she's now 25. My youngest is entering her 2nd year of college and comes home on weekends...she's now 20. I'm finally ready to take my relationship to the next level.

 

My man has his own demons. I'll start by saying he's a really great guy. He's always a gentleman who opens my door and apologizes if he cusses. He works hard, owns his own home, has a nice nest egg in the bank and loves his mom. He has tons of friends but his brother is his best. He's the kind of guy that women want and men want to be. Although he's far from perfect he's there when I need him and when he's away from me I feel like part of me is missing. He married at a young age after she became pregnant. From what he's said it was an awful experience and after six yrs and three sons they divorced. It was very messy mostly because he had an affair. I know past actions indicate the future but this happened only once 30 yrs ago. He and his ex were able to work through it all to become good parents and good friends. She's since remarried and as odd as it seems we all get along famously. He stayed in a relationship with 'the mistress' for 8 yrs which ended amicably. He had another relationship that lasted for 10 years which ended because he wouldn't take it to the next level. Then I came along. That was 10 yrs ago.

 

I'm now 42 and he's 55 and I'm ready to take our relationship to the next level and have been for a while now. He's scared to death and although I have my own issues I really want to do more than date. Whever we've discussed marriage or living together he's changed the subject. So I've taken a passive approach and chose to let things happen in their own time. On Easter morning he announced that he decided he was going to take out a loan to remodel his house (it's very small and needs work) and wanted me to sell my house and move in after the renovations were complete. I was thrilled. I started making plans and told some of our family and friends. He never said a word about it again. A month or so later I brought up some plans about selling my house and he acted as if he didn't know what I was talking about. I said "we are on the same page about living together aren't we?" and he said "yes honey, we are." A few weeks later I asked him how the loan was coming along and he became annoyed and said he'd get to it when he had a chance. I backed off and a couple more months went by.

 

My neighborhood has been quickly turning into a war zone and I've begun to be afraid of living there. He knows how dangerous it is. Saturday night I brought the subject of moving up again and he said "well why don't you just move?" I said "where am I going to go, you're not ready for me to move in yet?" and he just sat there and said "don't wait for me." I was shocked. My mouth literally dropped open. I said "I thought we had a plan here to move in together" and he said "I don't know what I want" and got up and went to bed. OMG!!! I'm so torn between being heart broken and totally pissed off! I don't know what to do. I truely love this man but I feel like a complete idiot. I haven't spoken to him since. He called today and acted like nothing was wrong. I was too mad to even get into it so I just said "I'm busy and can't talk right now." We're supposed to go away with a bunch of friends in a week and I've planned much of the trip but how the hell can I go now? I don't even want to talk about it with my friends because I'm ashamed.

 

What do I do? I'm beginning to think he's incapable of taking this relationship any further. Maybe I could have continued to "date" him if he never asked me to move in and I started making plans. Now I'm afraid I won't be able to get past the resentment that's forming in my heart. I just can't imagine my life without him in it. Please help.