In Sync Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 How are you handling your breakup? How we handle our breakups are an indication of our state of mind. Maybe we allow hurt to control our healing. And we convince ourselves that we can't change- we react the way we do just because we are hurting. Like we have an excuse to behave out of control because we faced rejection in our lives. And that got me wondering if it's because we haven't grown up. Childlike Looks like this: 1. Giving your emotions complete authority over you. Endless crying, anxiety. feelings of despair hopelessness. Making yourself sick. 2. You tried begging, pleading, endless phoning or e-mailing to your ex. 3. Next the temper tantrum...thoughts of revenge. 4. A barrage of exaggerated statements like, i.e. I can't live without him/her...I'll never meet again, I'll never fall in love again. 5. Anger and Resentment...I hate them! It's not fair that they get to move on. 6. Blame. It's their fault. They did this to me and that...I did everything for them, I was there for them. or Someone stole my bf/gf. Adult Looks Like this: 1. Confronting Reality. I'm disappointed and my Heart is Broken but I am still in control of my emoions and my actions. 2. Facing The Reality. I'm heartbroken but the Person who broke it off was not happy either. 3. Acceptance. Breakups are not Painless, but I can go on. It is what is is. My destiny is not meant to be with this person. 4. Releasing. Totally Letting Go of the Hurt. Choosing Not to Follow through the runaway impulse to Cling, Call or Compromise ones dignity. 5. Forgive all the pain, hurt that both caused to each other.. bless them, wish them well. 6. Walk away with the Knowledge of Knowing Who You Are. That your life will still beat on regardless of any lose. That your life is meaningful even if they are not a part of it. You took what you could learn from that relationship and can now go on to explore new ones.
AriaIncognito Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I think for many of us, it's a combination of those two lists... Jennifer
Guest Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Yes I agree with Aria. The "childlike" stages are the depression, anger, and denial stages. They aren't childlike but are part of the natural process which is covered in any grieving process. They're just part of the process. The "adult" part, is the acceptance stage.
johnnytable Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Interesting. I agree that it is also a combination. As I have grown older, I have done less from the first list (ie I did no begging or pleading this time). I also think that it is okay to get angry because you learn from it. Its what you do with the anger that is important. Do you realize it and learn about why you are angry so that you don't make the same mistakes, or do you lash out at them? Lashing out at them is likely bad while learning is good. Wishing somebody well depends on the situation. Some people have done some pretty bad things around here! I would rather say that you get to the point where you don't care about them rather than hoping that they are doing well... again depending on the circumstances. Controlling emotions. If you could do that then you wouldn't be here. You could simply be happy all of the time no matter what. Don't know many people who are in this category! However, perhaps what we really mean is controlling our actions without letting our emotions run our life. Ie if you are mad you don't lash out at your ex or the person scanning your groceries at the store
the_alchemyst Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 This should be pinned. Brilliant stuff. I don't see the brilliance of it, really.
Author In Sync Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Thank you for all comments. Of course not everyone who read my observation on childlike vs adultlike coping are going to agree exactly with each and every point.... it came about because I noticed that the reaction of some people I've encountered who have lived a longer and blessed life than I have, in how they dealt with loss. I've saw how I dealt with loss in the past, and those of my peers and listening and seeing kids nearby how they react to loss....and lastly reading different reactions to coping with loss here...what has evolved is my insight on what how we cope..sometimes taking a step back and looking at your reaction to a circumstance gives one a chance to not go on auto pilot.
riobikini Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Actually, I *do* see the wisdom in InSync's post.....Although, I believe we can feel many combinations of emotions during a breakup, taking the time to do a reality-check of sorts, like InSync is suggesting, can help us refocus in the right direction, and more receptive to recovery. -Rio
Marlien Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Like many others, I'm a combination of the two, especially since I'm only 17. More of the 'Adult' than the 'Childlike', though, especially as time goes on. While I accept the loss, and am moving along steadily, I tend to blame him a lot, and talk with my friends about his faults. I'm working on that, for both my own and my friends' sakes. Of course, I have to remember that some of this anger isn't unhealthy. Considering how I was cheated on, with several people at that, and lied to constantly, I need to express my discontent when it's necessary. But I do need to stop reminding myself of all his spelling mistakes and how his head was a little oversized. While it's fun to secretly ridicule him, it's not getting me anywhere.
KittenMoon Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I think it's nearly impossible not to go through at least some of the "childlike" behaviors post-breakup. IMO, it's probably better. The people who are just like "oh well" and throw up their hands... that strikes me more as emotional immaturity and/or a form of denial. You make yourself vulnerable in a close relationship, and the most vulnerable part of us is the child within, the parts of us that never really grow up, the parts that will always desire to be nutured and loved by someone else. And when those parts get hurt, well, i think it's only natural for those parts to react. As others have said, it's just a matter of experiencing those reactions and then moving out of them into the "adult" stages. At least until the next time...
a4a Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Excellent post! People have asked me how I just move on so easy after a break up...... well this list explains a good bit of it. I have yet to ever do any of the Child like behaviors with the exception of #6 Blame ?- but that is a tool used for me to examine what went wrong and why.
Author In Sync Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 By no means am I saying that no one doesn't go through experiencing painful emotions as a result from a heartbreak or end of a significant realtionship. I too have behaved myself in a childlike mode. Big Time. But now I also have the opportunity to look back and say did I impede my healing by letting my behavior go into that mode. The wheels of life gave me the chance to learn from what I've been through. I can say 'that's just the way I was' but I hope that I came away with something more to discover in my behavior. How I behave is just as important sometimes. We sometimes say that we learn from a breakup BUT I am just sharing what I learned from noting how I reacted. AND I think that I can bring this knew awareness into other aspects of my life and relationships. Perhaps what I have roughly pointed out helps someone who is in pain now and automactically says "can't live without him/her...I'll never meet again, I'll never fall in love again." That someone who happens to read this...maybe they will stop and think, is this really what I think or am I just letting the childlike mode overtake me. Sometimes we all say (myself included) "That's just how I am." Ok, but that leaves no room for growth. IMO. I'm just opening a door to another alternative to the many ways to cope.
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