free2bme Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I will try to get to the point . . . I was with someone for 15 years, and he passed away last November. I started dating a few months later and have several dates with different men, I found one that sparked my interest. We have now been dating for nearly 6 months. He's nearly 40 and never been married with no children. I have 3 children. My 2 oldest children (teenagers) like him. My youngest, she is 7, acts out when he's around. He has told me unless her behavior changes, we are done. I believe she's jealous because she has to share me with him. When I say acting out, she wants me to pay attention to her and wants to be the center of attention when he's around. I believe he is jealous of her. He as stated that she is driving a wedge between us because she doesn't like him. I have agreed to work on her behavior with her, but in the meantime, he's pulling back. We hardly see each other, and he never spends the night. He tells me he loves me and wants us to be a family. My question . . . if he is distancing himself from us, how are we to become a family? How is she to adjust to him if we never spend time with him? The sex has become less frequent as well. We live 20 minutes apart and yet haven't been intimate for nearly 2 weeks. What is going on?
konfused Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Miss, To be honest, a few months of healing after a 15 year relationship seems a bit hasty. Not only for you but the entire family as well. Perhaps your daughter is simply coping with the loss. Regardless, it stikes me as odd that you would put this man before your daughter. I would think that any man you wished to date would have sympahty for whatever your daughter is going through. If he put me in that situation I'd politely make an exit from the relationship. Konfused
Walk Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Don't attempt to change your child simply because this man has an inability to cope with children. I highly doubt the poor kid could do anything right unless she played the roll of "seen yet never heard" in front of him. 40 years and never had kids... He's not going to change his stripes. Find someone who is willing to integrate, not someone who will force you and your children to change.
norajane Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I'd say it's possible he's withdrawing simply because he feels uncomfortable in your home, or that he wants to give your little girl some space so she doesn't feel overwhelmed by his presence in her life, so soon after her father's death. However the way he phrased it - unless her behavior changes, we are done - makes it sound like he's not the kind of man who has much compassion for your daughter, so he is being very selfish in his thinking. I'd consider if you really want a man like him in your life.
Miss Mary Mac Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I'm so sorry for your loss but you really need to give yourself time to grieve and heal. Although you think you're ready to start another relationship you're not. Fifteen years is a long time and if you don't get through those feelings now they'll resurface later. You didn't say whether or not the man you lost was the father of your children but regardless I'm sure they're also grieving. Give them and yourself time to heal and readjust. Right now you're in a whirlwind and not in a position to see clearly. I know this probably isn't what you want to hear but you really need to focus on the needs of your children...especially your daughter...before even thinking about beginning another relationship. The choices you make now could effect them forever. Much peace.
ash8752 Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 it is good that he is distancing himself. Let he keep on moving, he in being selfish, and although it sounds as though you are desperate to be in a relationship (dating a few months after the death) you need to focus on your relationship with your kids. Your 7 year old just lost somebody very important to her. All of a sudden mommy is having sleep overs. I am not saying that you are a bad mother or anything like that, but think of your kids more because this will effect them in the long run. Tell this man you need at least a year or so on your on, be with your kids, cope with your loss, take longer if need be, but put him and his selfish demands out of your mind and look at your kids. This is just unbelievable to me.
Author free2bme Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Allow me to clarify a few things which I didn't include in my original post as I wasn't asking for judgment on my dating habits . . . my companion (we were not married) and I had agreed to split up a few months before his diagnosis. As soon as he become sick, I opted to stay with him to help him through chemo as he was my best friend. I technically left the relationship along time before he past as we were just functioning as roommates at that point. He was the father of my 7-year old. I am befuddled as to how the man I am with now declares his love for me and my children but can be so cold and lack compassion for the situation. He tells me he wants my children to become comfortable with him and he with them before we commit a future together. He does not spend the night at our home nor do I at his home. My children come first and I am angry that he is selfish. It's becoming clearer why he has never been married and has had several failed relationships.
nicki Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I understand where you are both coming from. I also have children and date someone who has children. It's tricky. On one hand you have to understand that he may feel rejected because your daughter doesn't accept him....and he doesn't understand much about children because he doesn't have them. No matter how your daughter feels, she need to be polite to ANY guest or friend of yours. She must be told what behavior she needs to exhibit. For instance, you may expect her to say hello, but she doesn't have to hang around and be chatty. Tell her you understand her feelings. She can tell you she doesn't like him. You can tell her that it's up to her how she feels...but she may change her mind. Let her know that you feel happy because he is in your life....Let her know that SHE and your other children ALWAYS come first. She may be worried that you will love him more than her, and abandon her emotionally. (Even though you know you won't do that.) She's experienced the loss of her father. Understand how she feels, but don't sacrifice your own life if you feel ready to move on. Maybe you could have a talk with your boyfriend and find out what is bothering him. He says he loves you and wants to be a family. He just might not know how to make that happen. Nothing is worse than having a child seemingly hate you. Tell him what kinds of things she is going through. Let him know a bit about child behavior and that it's not personal. It will get better. Tell him NOT to try to be friends with her, for now. He should be friendly, but not try too hard. Time will help her trust him. Anyway, good luck. I know it's hard. But it can be done, with a lot of patience on the part of your SO. It's been two years and my SO's kids are just now beginning to show that they like me. I can wait it out. I know trust takes time.
Bobbie Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 It's hard for a 7 year old who just lost their Dad and it's impossible for a person who has no children to know yet that you can't just have expectations or issue ultimatums! I wouldn't want anyone no matter how kind around my child for a couple of years after a major bereavement or breakup, it just doesn't give kids enough time to adjust. I understand it's hard for you, but even without the bereavement and if the guy were perfect father material your child would likely be acting out and testing him. It's becoming clearer why he has never been married and has had several failed relationships. sadly, yes. The question is are you willing to be the next one? And if so, why?
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