Is it over-reacting?

[Lor]

Update: the weekend was good; was able to relax and enjoy myself. My F friend and I had a very good time.

 

I woke up this morning, started to get ready for work and suddenly, with no warning, I am doubled over in pain. It hurt so much it took all I had to get back to bed. I tried calling my in-laws but no answer. I called work and my co-worker told me I'd better call 911. I didn't know if it was my appendix but thought it was too high. So I called them and they came out. I didn't know what to do--they wanted to take me in. Still no answer at my in-laws. Called the stbXH, told him what was going on, the EMT talked to him, said they were taking me to emergency and apparently I told him I would call him when I found out something.

 

Turned out to be my ulcer--worst flare up I've ever had and it hit hard.

 

I ended up calling my in-laws from the hospital, H never called them. I wasn't expecting him to show up or anything but figured he'd at least call them. Nope, nothing. They didn't know till I called asking for a ride home.

 

Now, I don't think I'm over-reacting at all. I got royally pissed. His reasoning? Because I told him not to do anything, I'd call him when I found something out. I was in so much pain I don't remember saying that but I guess I did. The hospital is 10 minutes from his work. Did I over-react to him not lifting a finger about this? Am I blowing it out of proportion? Or am I justified in being this mad? I think he showed his true colors and feelings this morning; he says he was only doing what I told him to do.

 

Question? Comments?

[Gunny376]

Actions speak louder than words ~ and I think his actions speak volumes.

 

If for no other reason ~ I'd be there for my XW as a one human being to another and as the Mother of my children!

[Mz. Pixie]

Actions speak louder than words ~ and I think his actions speak volumes.

 

If for no other reason ~ I'd be there for my XW as a one human being to another and as the Mother of my children!

 

I disagree Gunny. I do not think his reactions were inappropriate, unless he is wanting her to think he wants to work it out.

 

They are getting divorced. If she didn't need him for the kids- to pick them up or whatever in the case of her being in the hospital what was expected from him??

 

To run to the hospital to check on her?? He doesn't give a F- he's been having an affair and will not do what it takes to work on the marriage.

 

I recently had a cancer scare. I got nothing more than a "hope your test is okay" from my exhusband. And I didn't expect anything else- even after 13+ years together. My problems are not exactly his business. I only even told him because my child said something about it to him and he asked me about it.

 

What goes on with her is not his problem, just like his problems are not hers. Situation reversed she may have ran to him to check on him- but she is still in love with him.

 

If she were really sick and in the hospital, yeah, he should take care of the kids- but that's as far as it goes when you are divorced.

 

Lor- you need to quit calling him for things- that way your feelings don't get hurt when he doesn't react the way you want him to. He's not there to check on you when you are sick, he's not there to change your tire- he is not your husband anymore. He is the father of your kids, and nothing more.

 

Reframe the way you think about him and it will do wonders for your perspective. I'm not trying to be harsh but his actions show alot about what he feels for you and the relationship.

 

Try to depend on friends for things like this rather than your ex inlaws too.

[Spurned]

Everything she said!

[dgiirl]

Sadly, Mz Pixie is right. Although I would have been royaly pissed too, the sad fact is he is no longer your husband in the real sense of the word. When my mom had a scare last year, it took all my will power not to contact my exh. And although he would have been the first person I would have told had we still been married, we're not, and I needed to stop depending on him, even for emotional support. Like my friend had reminded me just the other day, dont ever expect anything from an ex and you'll be a lot more happier.

[Gunny376]

I disagree Gunny. I do not think his reactions were inappropriate, unless he is wanting her to think he wants to work it out.

 

They are getting divorced. If she didn't need him for the kids- to pick them up or whatever in the case of her being in the hospital what was expected from him??

 

To run to the hospital to check on her?? He doesn't give a F- he's been having an affair and will not do what it takes to work on the marriage.

 

I recently had a cancer scare. I got nothing more than a "hope your test is okay" from my exhusband. And I didn't expect anything else- even after 13+ years together. My problems are not exactly his business. I only even told him because my child said something about it to him and he asked me about it.

 

What goes on with her is not his problem, just like his problems are not hers. Situation reversed she may have ran to him to check on him- but she is still in love with him.

 

If she were really sick and in the hospital, yeah, he should take care of the kids- but that's as far as it goes when you are divorced.

 

Lor- you need to quit calling him for things- that way your feelings don't get hurt when he doesn't react the way you want him to. He's not there to check on you when you are sick, he's not there to change your tire- he is not your husband anymore. He is the father of your kids, and nothing more.

 

Reframe the way you think about him and it will do wonders for your perspective. I'm not trying to be harsh but his actions show alot about what he feels for you and the relationship.

 

Try to depend on friends for things like this rather than your ex inlaws too.

 

 

I concede your point MsP as well as the others in light of your revelation.

[Lor]

Hey, Mz.P, you aren't being harsh. You are right in that I shouldn't have expected anything from him, and I honestly didn't expect or want him to come to the hospital. But, as Gunny put it, from one human being to another, the least he could have done was call my in-laws since he knew I hadn't been able to get a hold of them. I am very close to them, they are like parents to me and the same in reverse. I've already had to curb being around them but they don't want me out of their lives and I don't want them out of mine. I don't think my FIL was too happy that he didn't call and, although I haven't talked to her yet, my MIL is probably not too happy either. But I didn't perpetuate the problem by going off about it to my FIL and I won't discuss it with them or our friends.

 

That was the only reason I called him, since I couldn't get in touch with them. And for being scared half to death not knowing what was going on. Funny thing is just last week he told me he still cared about me. Boy, was that obvious. If it had been one of his friends he would have jumped thru hoops. But since its only me........

 

Calling him to change a tire is one thing; calling cuz I'm on my way to the emergency room to me is another. His family is the only family I have out here and he knows it. I would have called a friend of ours but knew they didn't have any service on their cellphone where they live and have no home phone. He was not my first thought. He honestly was my last resort.

 

Whatever happened to just being a decent person?

[dgiirl]

Whatever happened to just being a decent person?

 

We're talking about an ex who has cheated and keeps you in limbo? There's no decency in that, why would there be in any other situation? I know why you called, and I probably would have too. But we both really need to stop getting angry over our ex's actions.

[Lor]

You're right. Why should I get angry? If nothing else, this only hardens my resolve to see what an a**hole he's become, MLC or right. Now he's stalling on signing the papers.

[Lor]

I'm gonna vent. I don't need anyone to reply. I just need this release to help get over my anger.

 

why in the hell didn't you call your parents when you knew I had tried? you would have done that for a friend, you would have been there as soon as you could. but not for me. after 9 years together, it comes down to this. I know its over but I thought there was some compassion left in you, feeling. guess not. there is nothing left. there is nothing inside you. I wasn't faking, it was pain such as I've never felt. And then to know that you didn't care that I was in that pain, the pain only got worse.

 

9 years of nothing now. what a waste. the only good to come from it was my memories and the kids. and to have it thrown away for no reason. and to think I waited for a year.

 

what a bunch of bullsh*t--I told you I'd call you and you not to worry. I must have said that but since when do you listen to me? only when its convenient for you. you would have more compassion for a stranger. you went on to work like there was nothing going on. like the woman you married wasn't on her way to the hospital. do I mean that little to you now? where did you go? you never used to be this way. I don't know why I expected more from you or for you to call your parents for me except that it was the NICE gd thing to do. but you can't be bothered with me.

 

but you don't have any problem figuring out or talking about the money. keep your gd money--I never wanted it anyway. if that is what is keeping you from getting the papers signed then fine--keep it all. I don't care. I don't want to be married to someone who feels nothing for me anymore. I don't love you anymore and don't want to be married to you. I deserve so much better than this. and you don't deserve me, not after this.

 

to think of all the times I stood by you, took you to the emergency room and doctors, the surgeries, trying to keep the kids away for you to rest because of some moronic stunt you did, usually fueled by alcohol. remember the 4 whlr accidents, the dirtbike, the car?

 

and don't you try and be f*cking nice to me in email about the kids. you screwed up. I can't vent at you, yell at you anymore, its like talking to a brick wall. I have to keep my composure and act like you don't get to me. you sob, this is what it comes down to after 9 years? not even an are you okay? and you're the reason for the damn ulcer to begin with.

 

sorry for the language and for this but I need to get it off my chest. and I'd rather do it on LS that to him or anyone.

[Mz. Pixie]

But, as Gunny put it, from one human being to another, the least he could have done was call my in-laws since he knew I hadn't been able to get a hold of them. I am very close to them, they are like parents to me and the same in reverse. I've already had to curb being around them but they don't want me out of their lives and I don't want them out of mine. I don't think my FIL was too happy that he didn't call and, although I haven't talked to her yet, my MIL is probably not too happy either. But I didn't perpetuate the problem by going off about it to my FIL and I won't discuss it with them or our friends.

 

 

He's not a decent person. He screw around on you and didn't have the guts to come back home and work on his marriage.

 

That alone should have shown you he didn't give a tinkers damn about you.

 

I too have no family here so I know what you're going through but I would have just had to go it alone. There's no way in hell I would ever call my ex in laws unless one of my kids had to be rushed to the hospital and were in critical condition.

 

Repeat this mantra "He's an ass who doesn't give a damn about anyone but himself. I'm on my own, I'm on my own, I'm on my own but that's okay because I can do it"

 

Realistically sweetie, when he moves on his parents are going to move on too. You may always be special to them, but whoever he's with WILL be welcomed at their place eventually because he is their son. That's something you need to get braced for now so it won't hurt so bad when it happens.

[Lor]

I know eventually they will come around to whomever he ends up with. And they know it too. I know eventually we will lose the closeness we have and I can understand and accept that, much as I don't want to, it'll happen. I will always have contact though because of the kids, at least until they're grown. Then its up in the air.

 

I live 2 minutes from my H and 3 minutes from my ILs.

 

He's coming out of this unscathed, while I'm scarred. It doesn't seem fair.

 

I file the paperwork tomorrow. He said he still hasn't signed them but said, 'I guess, since you want to file tomorrow." What the hell does that mean? Feels like another guilt trip.

[Mz. Pixie]

I live 2 minutes from my H and 3 minutes from my ILs.

 

He's coming out of this unscathed, while I'm scarred. It doesn't seem fair.

 

I file the paperwork tomorrow. He said he still hasn't signed them but said, 'I guess, since you want to file tomorrow." What the hell does that mean? Feels like another guilt trip.

 

Yeah, I did too before I remarried and moved. It was hell.

 

He's trying to make you feel guilty. When he says shxt like that say "Well, it was your choice for this to happen. I said work on the marriage or I want a divorce. You didn't decide so I did. This is ON YOU" Don't let him pull that crap on you.

 

He's coming out unscathed as far as you can tell. That doesn't mean he truly is. He's still fogged out I think. It may take a while for him to come to his senses and he may actually never express regret TO YOU. That doesn't mean he won't feel it.

 

I personally would never tell my exhusband I had regrets and guilt over our divorce. But I always will carry it with me. My H now is aware of that and he's cool with it because he knows it's not because I want to be with him.

[Lor]

I'm planning on moving after the D is final and I finish the work to my house. Can't move out of the school district but farther away so I don't see him drive by, etc, etc. I can't move too far since I can't take my kids away from my ILs and vice versa. It would really hurt them all. My ILs are wonderful people who have been unconditionally supportive of me. I love them dearly and they me. It may not be blood but it may as well be. I know blood is thicker than water, that's why I will eventually have to distance myself somewhat, but until the kids are grown we will still get to see each other.

 

I'm angry right now. Don't want to be but.......I don't look forward to this and don't really want to do it. I have a choice but will it only end up another wasted year? More than likely and besides, I honestly don't like the way he is now. Even if my reaction to his actions have pushed him away.

[Lor]

Oh, d*mn d*mn d*mn!! A guy I had a crush on 2 years ago (my EA) was up here in our office...got talking to him.......and he's been seeing someone for 10 months! I had thought about contacting him but the timing was wrong and I've been such a mess. I'd had the thought in the back of my head that when I was ready I could get a hold of him and see if he was seeing anyone yet. Just my friggin' luck, when I finally decide I'm ready he's taken.

 

(sigh) Back to square one. Problem is that I'm not attracted to anyone else--at all. In 9 years, he's the only other man besides H to make my heart flutter, you know, that quivery feeling in your stomach.

 

Got a good quote from a movie this weekend. "Must Love Dogs" with John Cusack and Diane Lane.

 

I think your heart grows back bigger ya know, once you get the sh*t beat out of you. And the universe lets your heart expand that way, cause thats the function of all this pain and heartache that you go through and you gotta go through that to come out to a better place.

 

For those of you separated or divorced that haven't seen it, its a very cute movie. I may have to resort to the internet for my dates.

[DieselPWR]

Internet dating isn't such a bad thing. Sure, there are the horror stories(mine included) but it would have happened the same way if I had met her where I used to see her all the time.

What I had found is that you can be alot more open, and get to know people without having to commit to actually meeting them. I am not saying that you share your life story with them, but you can get to know them and feel them out, and if something happens, awesome, if not, no biggie.

Try it out, even if you're not trying to meet the man of your dreams, just like here, you can make some friends that you didn't even know existed. It also can give you that practice for when you are ready to get out there in the real world.

Sorry bout your luck with the other guy, it must not have been meant to be. You'll find your Prince Charming, most likely when you least expect it.

But, you'll also see your share of frogs out there too. Just don't go kissin em all, or you'll get warts ;-)

Me

[ilmw]

You'll find your Prince Charming, most likely when you least expect it.

But, you'll also see your share of frogs out there too. Just don't go kissin em all, or you'll get warts ;-)

Me

 

DP... now that made me laugh!!

[Gunny376]

When you get married your actually marrying three different people

 

The person you think your marrying

The person your actually marrying

And the person that's going to come about as a result of having been married to you!

 

That is to say that there's no way I would be the person that I am today, had I not been married to my XW. That gal put some changes on this old boy, I'm here to tell you!

[Lor]

Sorry bout your luck with the other guy, it must not have been meant to be.

 

That's what I was thinking, too. Things keep getting put in the way so I'm thinking it must be a sign that he's not the one. But he sure is cute. And nice. I know what they say about looks aren't everything but dang it, if I have to wake up next to someone for the rest of my life I want to say wow instead of oh.

 

I might try the internet dating thing.....haven't made up my mind yet. And as long as I'm not sure, then its not the right time. I'm not actively looking only keeping my eyes open.

 

Love the comment about the frogs and warts!! Nice way to start off the morning.

[Mz. Pixie]

That's what I was thinking, too. Things keep getting put in the way so I'm thinking it must be a sign that he's not the one. But he sure is cute. And nice. I know what they say about looks aren't everything but dang it, if I have to wake up next to someone for the rest of my life I want to say wow instead of oh.

 

I might try the internet dating thing.....haven't made up my mind yet. And as long as I'm not sure, then its not the right time. I'm not actively looking only keeping my eyes open.

 

Love the comment about the frogs and warts!! Nice way to start off the morning.

 

Lor- not a good time for you to be dating honey. I don't think you've done enough healing yet.

 

When you're still raw- and your love bank hasn't had any deposits for a long time- it's easy to meet someone and project feelings on them that you don't really have. That's where REBOUNDS come from. I don't want to see you do that and get hurt.

 

Work on you first. Then think about dating.

[Lor]

Lor- not a good time for you to be dating honey. I don't think you've done enough healing yet.

 

When you're still raw- and your love bank hasn't had any deposits for a long time- it's easy to meet someone and project feelings on them that you don't really have. That's where REBOUNDS come from. I don't want to see you do that and get hurt.

 

Work on you first. Then think about dating.

 

Thanks, Ms.P. Something kinda clicked with me that morning going to the hospital. H told me later that he wouldn't have done anything different 3 years ago than he did that day. You know what? He's right. What kind of man is that? Not someone I want to be with. When we first got together, I was late coming home with my son from a soccer game cuz we thought he'd hurt his arm and took him to the dr. I was lovingly read the riot act because he was worried. Now I'm taken by ambulance with chest pains and he doesn't care. Ding! Ding! Wake up call.

 

I'm only thinking of the dating thing, but not too hard. Kicking the idea around a bit. I'm not looking for love, not gonna get married again, but would like to feel.....oh, I don't know....special again? I don't have much of a social life and even that's been crimped because our friends are mutual and he has no problem going to something even if I'm going to be there. And I'm not comfortable with that. He's also told me that I was never able to give him space and time, which he's right about. So I've decided to quit being around him completely, even in a social setting. Its easier on me and that way the yo yo string is broken.

 

I'm not a good one for making friends easy but I'm trying to make some new friends. And I have gotten out with some of them. Problem is trust--during all this with us, I had 3 friends who I thought were very wonderful, close friends, more like family that really hit me with it hard, playing head games, twisting things around, and stabbed me so hard it took a long time to get back up. 2 were women, 1 was a man. They literally dragged me thru the mud and he hit on me after me bawling my eyes out to him over being in love with my H. Nice.

 

The guy yesterday? That was time and place and I hadn't seen or talked to him in over a year--same company, different buildings, different jobs. I was disappointed cuz the thought was there that I could maybe see what would come of it with him but you know, I'm not that upset--actually I'm happy for him; he's a great guy. And I certainly won't contact him again! His new gf deserves better than that and she's the lucky one. He's not mine to take.