NC isn't possible and it's interfering with healing.

[paperazzi]

I hate it, I just hate it! We have two children together (he left when our youngest was 3 months old for another MW), and because he has access, I have to see him. NC would be much easier but it can't be done.

 

I'm mostly over the cheated on part (because I realize that such a scumbag I DON'T need in my life!) but what's making it hard to see him is all the lying and conniving he's doing to get out of paying spousal support when he's living with this other woman (he refuses to admit it but it's factual), splitting rent with her and a roommate and left me with our entire mortgage and huge line of credit debt (which was used to fix HIS vehicle just two weeks before he left!!!!!) - and I'm on maternity leave!!!!!

 

I feel so angry whenever I see him that I do stupid things like give him the finger or throw the kids' backpack at his feet instead of politely handing it over to him. I know this is the wrong thing to do because the kids are there and I've been trying to avoid face-to-face contact as much as possible. When he comes to the house to pick up the kids, I don't show myself at all - I just have the kids ready at the door for him to pick up. Well, he hated that and insisted that I show part of myself because he didn't think there was an adult home. His arguments got really silly and it was obvious he wants us to have contact. He wanted to meet at the mall every time but I said no because I can't handle the face-to-face contact and I have three kids plus sometimes one handicapped foster child to haul in and out of the vehicle. He's going to try to make it a court order that we meet at the mall.

 

Then there's the fact that I simply can't afford to drive to the mall into town every time he has contact (four times a week) because I'm paying for all of our joint debts - yet he's insisting that I'm not being fair about the driving.

 

I think he's enjoying how difficult this is for me because it means he's still important. It's interesting that when I was full-blown rage when I found out about his affair, he was smug, cold and indifferent. He didn't respond to my e-mails (even when I was being decent) and when he did, it was impersonal. It was when I stopped making contact by e-mail or phone and stopped showing myself at the door that he seemed to have a rage attack of his own. He began to play really dirty with the finances, too, which has jacked my rage level right up there again.

 

I need some guidance here about how I can best deal with this. Is avoiding contact as much as possible the best action? Even if it means he's going to up the ante? How do I cool down? This situation is NOT helping me to heal and my kids need me to be healthy again! Any advice from people who have been through this?

[Mz. Pixie]

First of all, you're letting this ass jerk you around.

 

NC except for the kids. If he wants to pick them up then you can show yourself at the door, period. No need to talk to him. If he wants to see them he can pick them up. You don't have the gas money to trot them around.

 

Second of all, you need to see an attorney PRONTO. You're getting ripped.

I'd skip non essential bills if I had to to pay for it, borrow money, whatever it took.

 

You need to find a good one to rip him back. You may can find one on a payment plan- you pay the retainer and then you ask HIM to pay for it in the divorce!

[blind_otter]

I would like to add that you need to deal with your anger in some way without venting it in front of the children or actively hurting others. No matter whether they deserve it or not, anger only hurts YOU.

 

Your anger is a crying baby that needs attention. Instead of attending to that crying baby you get angry at something outside yourself and the anger continues to cry while you vent at someone else. If you control and attend to your anger you will be able to deal with this very difficult and painful situation a lot better, with a clear head and a calm mind.

[Gunny376]

this same kind of behavior.

 

"Whoa there! You likes and dis-likes, wants, and needs along with any 'bit*hing rights' went out the door with you, the day you walked out on me and our marriage!"

 

The mall business ~ I wouldn't worry about. The court isn't going to play that silly game I can promise you.

 

He's in for a rude awakening when the two of you do get to court. As is the OW. If he thinks the court is going to let him just walk away from you and the marriage without meeting his financial obligations he's got another thing coming. And, filing for bankruptcy isn't going to be as easy as it once was. Not Chapter 7 anyway.

 

If he does go the bankruptcy route ~ between them garnishing his wages for child support and bills ~ that's not going to leave much for him and the OW to do much more than exsist, and barely that!!

 

I know! I've lived the life. I filed for bankruptcy after my divorce ~ Chapter 7, and even then it was still rough. I'm just now getting back to where I was sixteen years ago. And, I had to swear off on LTR's to do that.

 

He's made a short term decision with very long term cosequences that he's going to be paying through the nose for a very long time coming. All in all, I doubt that he and the OW will stay together, simply because he can't afford her.

[paperazzi]

We're actually going to court in a couple weeks to figure out spousal support. Naturally, he won't pay anything. But he's going to great lengths to make it look like he's flat broke. He's living with this woman (and maybe even a third male roommate) and is claiming he's paying the entire amount for rent. I know differently because I know the ex-hubby of this woman (we got in touch with each other after the affair became public and have become good friends since then) and she has already told him how much the rent is and that she's living with my ex.

 

He's doing this because then it will look like he doesn't have any money to spare to pay spousal support (and, by default, those damned debts). I won't NOT pay these bills because then my credit would be ruined and I need to keep the house (renting would be more expensive, actually). He doesn't care about his credit - it was shot when I met him and I was the one who got him cleaned up financially.

 

What he doesn't know is that the OW's ex-hubby is going to write me a letter stating what she told him about living with my ex and how much the rent costs for the entire house (which is what my ex is claiming he's paying) so I can show the judge. That may make a big difference in a spousal support ruling, don't you think?

 

But I still feel upset and angry about how low this guy will go. Is it survival mode for him that is making him act like this or is just a really horrible person that I didn't see until too late?

[Gunny376]

Proaballly a littel of both. But then again, you're talking to a guy who actaully cared about his XW, and children.

 

MsP, and DGril already handed me my azz once tonight, calling me out (they were right ~ I called it wrong on Lor's most recent post)

 

Goggle "Debt Free Living" and Mary Hunt, that will help you out a bunch. Its a paid sight to get the full benefits of the site. But, it only cost $24 a year, $2 a month. You really need this site right now. News you can use.

 

Document, document, document!

 

Me? I knew divorce was a bitch, and I made the decision to take on as much as possible to make it as easy as possible on my children. It was another Mother, and I paid, Man did I pay. But it was worth it! I got to two relatively un-scared, healthy, well adjusted adult children out of it.

 

Its going to be alright there Kitten, in the end its all going to turn out right!

 

Just have faith! Its not just about where you've been, and what you;ve gone through ~ its about where you're going as well!

 

Its taken me a long time to forgive my wife ~ but now that I'm back out here in civilian la~la land, I can understand how it was hard being married to a man who had PTSD, depression, survior's remorse, and who ended up in the hallway at 2 AM calling in air strikes in his sleep.

 

Its like my Gunny once told me, "Man! You get out of this s*it, its all gravy! 'Nuthin" but pure gravy! Its all good! For the rest of your ever lovin' life ~ its 'nuthin" but good!"

[Lor]

First of all, you're letting this ass jerk you around.

 

NC except for the kids. If he wants to pick them up then you can show yourself at the door, period. No need to talk to him. If he wants to see them he can pick them up. You don't have the gas money to trot them around.

 

Bingo!! One word answers to questions, focus your attention on saying goodbye to the kids. Pretend he's not even there. It sounds like he's enjoying your anger way too much.

 

Document everything you can. The letter from the OW H is a very good idea, plus anything else you can get your hands on. Even if he files bankruptcy, that doesn't get him out of paying child support.

 

Worse comes to worst, you can file bankruptcy and still keep the house. Ask an attorney about it. Bankruptcy stinks but you need to think of you and your kids.

[Lor]

oh and no bashing in front of the kids. H may be a low-life, mud-sucking, cheating s.o.b., but to the kids he's still Dad.

 

Feel free to go off about him on here.

[DieselPWR]

It sounds like he's enjoying your anger way too much.

Bingo! Same in my case; if you show him that he is getting to you, it will make him want to do it so much more. The more that you get p**sed off, the happier he will be; the hardest thing to do is to remain civil in the light of animosity, but you will be a better person for it.

The less you let him get to you, the angrier it will make him. Eventually, when he sees that he's not getting to you, he will give up.

Me