dealing with unconsented sex, this is kind of long, need !!

[oannamarie]

I was raped about 14 years ago by a boy friend. We were somewhat sexually active but I was very young then and had no intentions of having sex. Anyway he didnt take no for an answer and he raped me. At the time it happened I told my mom and she told me I deserved everything I got because I was with him and doing some sexual things. I was hurt and devasted and didnt tell anyone else.

 

They guy I was with dropped contact with me as I didnt want to speak with him either. We went to the same schools and it was hard to deal with the rape everytime I would see him. He went around school telling every one that we had sex and I was a slut.

 

After dealing with this for about a year things calmed down. I met my husband who was my high school sweet heart. I told him about the incident because I was nervous about having sex with him. He didnt believe me either and said he spoke with the guy who raped me and said I was lying.

 

I am still with my husband. It is 14 years later and I still am having a hard time coming to terms with the rape. I still see this guy everynow and then at different places and he and my husband are acquaintances and speak. The rapist ignores me and never speaks as I dont speak with him either.

 

I feel now that I should talk to him about my feelings. Maybe it would help me come to terms with it as we are both older. I am now 27 and he is 30.

 

I also have some sexual issues due to the rape. I have cheated on my husband and think about sex with other men on a regular basis. I feel like I need sex and to be in control to show that I am stronger and more powerful than the men I am with.

 

Please help. I am so depressed and want to feel like a whole person.

[JadeStar]

Get into counseling ASAP, to deal with this issue. Your b/f then was wrong to do what he did, your mother was wrong to tell you you got what you deserved and your husband is wrong for not believing you. Seems like a bad situation all the way around. But until you deal with what happened it will eat you alive and you will always have some kind of sexual issues until you find some kind of closure on the matter.

 

 

 

Jade

[Poboy]

what you need is some serious proffesional counselling .

Its pretty sad your husband doesnt believe you , sounds more like a jerk ( sorry about that ).

All your actions & recations are directly related to the rape. See a good counsellor asap.

[oannamarie]

I have went to counseling a while ago. About two years ago. I could never bring myself to tell the counseler the truth about me. I didnt want him to think I was a bad person.

 

I am now starting to feel like f**K it. THat I should just go in there and tell him everything on my mind. I dont know how to tell my husband I am going to go to counseling.

 

I tried to bring it up before and he said " why are you still stuck on that guy. Do you want to F**K him." My husband isnt the nicest person either and we have had major problems with our relationship the past couple of years.

 

I have a hard time letting anyone in or getting close to any one.

[JadeStar]

Oh hun your husband is just being an a**! Anyway, I understand you find it hard to talk to a counselor, its not the easiest thing in the world to talk about I'm sure. But thats what counselors are for, to try and help you. Believe me theres counselors out there who have probably heard a little bit about everything. I don't feel that he would think you are a bad person. You might want to talk with a counselor, that specializes in sexual issues, or a crisis center for people who have been raped and deal with just that area.

 

 

 

Jade

[oannamarie]

Thanks for the advice. I think I am going to try and schedule an appointment for next week.

 

Has anyone else been through this? If so how did you get through. What affect did the rape have on your life?

[blind_otter]

counseling for rape trauma syndrome seems in order. Don't go to the man who did this to you just yet. you may not be able to handle the emotional fallout. Seek out professional help from a counselor who is specifically trained with rape trauma syndrome.

 

I understand that this can have a lifelong impact. It's your responsibility to learn how to cope so that it doesn't affect you for the rest of your life. I was raped myself and have been through years of counseling to deal with it.

 

There's a pretty good book called "I Can't Get Over It" by Dr. Aphrodite Matsakis that deals with post traumatic stress disorder, and specifically has a chapter on rape trauma. But I would counsel that you not read the book until you've been to a therapist. I tried to read this on my own and had major problems with flashbacks.

 

My rapes (it happened twice, when I was 12 and again when I was 19) affected my life pretty severely until I decided to take control. I had alcohol and drug problems, inability to handle emotional intimacy. I was emotionally removed from sexual activity and had flashbacks. I still do have flashbacks actually but I know much better how to get through it.

[oannamarie]

Again thanks for the advise. Hopefully counseling will help me. Hopefully it will help my marriage to.

[Hitman10000]

 

I also have some sexual issues due to the rape. I have cheated on my husband and think about sex with other men on a regular basis. I feel like I need sex and to be in control to show that I am stronger and more powerful than the men I am with.

 

Please help. I am so depressed and want to feel like a whole person.

 

Your cheating is possibly related to your rape, but I'd like to know about how your father dealt with you as a child. Typically when a girl has a distant father she associates sex as a way of redemption of achieving a fathers love and the sexual things with the guy. The guy was probably abusive up to the point of your rape, and you were with this person not because he was a genuine person but of someone who represented a male role model, abeit a negative male role model. Dunno about you, but I'd stfu about the cheating part and let your husband know, but I'm sure it'll eat you inside. In another sense you refer having sex and having control is a way of taking back action against your distant/abusive father.

 

I also have no doubt your husband is completely aware of your emotional issues, and I have no doubt he is treating you the same way your father treated you. In a way your husband represents your father, and you enjoy using sex as a way to control/avenge emotional voids. Should some blame be on your husband, yes. Should some blame be put on you? Partial, I recommend seeing a deep thinking professional person about this.

[oannamarie]

My father and I have an okay relationship. I am not real close with either of my parent but they are my adoptive parents. I dont know my real parents.

[blind_otter]

men tend to not deal with the knowledge that their partner was raped in the past very well. As a rule men like to be able to fix things. This is something that can't be fixed. And also, men will react with the desire to inflict some pain on the rapist, which will only complicate things (the statute of limitations is 7 years, I believe, for rape).

 

Just try to focus on your own healing process. I am very close to my father, actually, he is a great comfort to me, but I did react to the rape with a lot of sexually risky behavior. I think it comes from a certain amount of guilt or self-hatred.

[Guest Dude X]

For immediate short term purposes try practicing a confrontational scenario in a letter. Sit down in a private area where noone will disturb you and bring the pen and paper, anyting that comes to mind put it down, dont be shy let it out. When done hide it , go back reread it --- think more about what you want to do. I have helped myself by simply writing and rereading, and yeah if you wanna mail it or hand it over, burn it you decide......

[Gennie]

Maybe someone out there can advise me on how to deal with a very selfish husband, I don't know where to start. Well I have been married for 5 years now and been with him 11 years, he has two girls, the oldest came to live with use for 3 years, so she would have a better upbringing. He wanted this so bad, but who took care of her, when my husband was not home, me, this happened for the 3 years till she went back to her mom, thank god! I seem to do everything, work for him and very little pay, clean a large home, prepare dinners, and to shake a stick deal with his family. It seems anything that goes wrong it comes from him, or his family. I don't know what to do. and the list goes on. Help!!!!

 

 

Gennie

[oannamarie]

Gennie:

 

You might want to post a new thread.