blusky Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I would really appreciate hearing some considered opinion that may help me make some headway with my relationship. Here's the situation - after a years break from a long term relationship I started dating again and over the past 3 or 4 months dated a lot. I was being real careful not to rush into anything. Eventually I kept coming back to one person, we always had a huge amount of fun and everything was just great and we have developed strong feelings for each other. During the getting to know you process I discovered a few things from her past, she is loyal to her family and friends, fiercely independent, was divorced 4 years ago, has never cheated on a partner, has only slept with 8 men and has never had a one night stand. All good so far. Then one night in a flood of tears she voluntarily confessed to me that she "messed up" and had had a threesome and eventualy had an affair with the husband. She tearfully told me she was ashamed and deeply remorseful and had only ever told one of her closest friends. I was shocked to say the least but impressed with her honesty. I pressed her for details and she told me it happened a few months after she took her children and left her husband after 10 years of physical and mental abuse. He stalked her and threatened to kill her and the children and she had to take a protection order out against him. He then tried to kill himself and was committed. She became depressed and started drinking. The couple involved were old friends who she sometimes socialised with and had came under pressure from the wife "to be adventurous and have some fun" with them. Eventually after a night of drinking it happened and then again a while later. After that the husband became obsessed with her and eventually she slept with him. She said she quickly realised it was wrong and broke it off with him. He then left his wife and followed her. They saw each other for short time and she then "came to her senses" cut all contact, moved suburbs, gave up drinking, took on two jobs and has been on the straight and narrow for the past 3 years. She tells me she has no explanation and when she remembers what happened its like it was another person, she cannot beleive it happened. She is also convinced that karma will punish her for it and ruin our relationship. So my problem is - I want to beleive her, love her, trust her and be with her always - but I have such doubts - visions of her with these people haunt me and I don't know if I can trust some one who is capable of these kind of crazy actions, it's making me crazy, one day I'm ok next day I'm in tears! Has anyone been in this situation ? or just any advice or perspective would be appreciated.
blind_otter Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Why does the knowledge that this is in her past affect how you feel about her right now? Do you think that anyone capable of such sexual behavior is somehow less acceptible as a romantic partner? Or do you think this will happen to you? If it really bothers you that much then I advise that you move on. There are partners out there who would be more accepting of her past, and partners with less colorful pasts that you would deem more acceptible.
Outcast Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 She was under extreme stress and did something uncharacteristic of her that upsets her to this day. Yet you still think that she could cause herself that much grief again and worry about yourself and whether you might be 'betrayed' in future. visions of her with these people haunt me You cause yourself problems by allowing yourself to create these 'visions'. I agree with BO. If you are unable to be understanding that even the best people can do stupid things in extreme circumstances, then she needs someone who can. She was ABUSED for cripes' sakes and in fear for her LIFE for a while. Try reading this: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showpost.php?p=878016&postcount=266
Walk Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I definitely agree with the above posters. Also, If you do break up with her over this, can you at the very LEAST, reassure her that other men will not be so rigid as you and who will accept her as she is. That she is a good person and it's your own insecurities and mental hang-ups that have caused the problem, not her. Otherwise, she'll internalize the break up, connecting it to her past act, and it will rot away her insides for years and years. Don't leave her like that unless you absolutely hate her guts and wish her to suffer for decades.
Author blusky Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 Thanks for the reply BO - yes I guess there is a bit of feeling that she is less acceptable as a partner, probably irrationally, and yes I fear that she may again someday act irrationally and I could be hurt. I also accept that someone less rigid and more accepting could disregard the past and I guess I want to be like that - just trying to deal with my own (possibly irrational) feelings and get to that point... and you guys have already helped me a lot. It's so great to get another perspective because i doubt my own so much. And WALK I don't hate her guts she has been nothing but wonderful to me the last thing I want to do is hurt her. And OUTCAST "If you are unable to be understanding that even the best people can do stupid things in extreme circumstances, then she needs someone who can" to hear a third party say this really helps me along the path to acceptance - thanks so much!
norajane Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Love her for the woman she is now, and don't dwell and obsess about something that's in her past and that she herself wishes never happened. There aren't so many women out there that would be "nothing but wonderful to you" that you would also have feelings for. Cherish what you have with her, and cherish her for who she is...it's her past experiences that have made her the terrific lady you love. Treat her as you would wish to be treated if you ever do something for which you need some compassion and understanding from your lover.
The slayer Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I'd say you've got a keeper there. She once, at a time that was really difficult in her life did something completely out of character, that she not only quickly regretted but took positive action to sucessfully walk away from. Even though you would never have found out, she chose to be honest and tell you somehing that she is ahamed of, despite her fears that it will destroy your relationship. Sounds ike she is brave as well as honest, don't allow yourself to loose her
Author blusky Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Thanks - this is really helping, but is there anyone who has actually succeded in a similar situation love to hear how to move forward positively with confidence.
whichwayisup Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 They saw each other for short time and she then "came to her senses" cut all contact, moved suburbs, gave up drinking, took on two jobs and has been on the straight and narrow for the past 3 years. Because of this, she's proved herself, not only in words, but in action. Remember, her past and what happened wasn't about you. It's her stuff... I say, give her a chance, she's worth it. If you love her, the rest will fall into place.
norajane Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Thanks - this is really helping, but is there anyone who has actually succeded in a similar situation love to hear how to move forward positively with confidence. Dude, read the threads on this site. They are filled with people who have actually been through something with their loves - cheating, affairs, betrayals of every kind...and most of all, people who have lost the people they love, people who have been dumped horribly, and people who are so f*cking alone and lonely they can't stand it anymore and want to throw themselves off a bridge. You have a golden opportuity to build a beautiful future with an amazingly wonderful woman and you're going to piss it away because you just can't get an incident that happened long before she met you out of your mind. If you can't get over it, don't. If you're going to hold this over her head forever and make her feel like a slutty whore who should be stoned to death, break up with her. She's better off without you. And then you can sit at home alone feeling sorry for yourself. Then you can eat your ego and jealousy for dinner and whine about how women suck and you can't find a good one and how you're such a nice guy. You want to know how to get over it - just take a deep breath and stop thinking about it. I'm not a religous person, but seriously, ask yourself 'what would Jesus do?'. Would he whine about the horrible visions he has in his mind about a woman who's past might not be so spotless? For pete's sake, get out of your own sanctimonious way and embrace some happiness! AND GET OVER YOURSELF.
Author blusky Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Ok OK - just hoping to get a guys opinion. Seriously though - I really appreciate everyones opinions it has been a tremendous help, the fog has lifted and I feel like a weight has been taken from my shoulders*, I knew what I wanted to do but couldn't convince myself I was right. Thanks for being so thoughtful and positive...and Blunt. Brilliant ! *Sorry about the cliches
blind_otter Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Cool, no problemo. I really admire your desire to challenge your own faulty belief systems! That said, I think there are a lot of people who have overcome many different types of obstacles. Some overcome childhood abuse. Some overcome the knowledge of their partner's infidelity - while they were married! It all boils down to being able to look at yourself honestly and acceptingly. And learning how to exist NOW, which is the only moment that really exists anyways. For all you know she was abducted by aliens and had a fake memory imprinted in her brain, ha ha ha ok that's not possible, but you get what I'm saying.
moman Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I think you should forgive her. She made a mistake and feels horrible about it. We all make mistakes. I have made a mistake and let a great relationship fail because I held a partners' past over her head (similar scenario), so please don't make the same mistake I did. The only part of her story that bothers me is that "karma will ruin our relationship". It sounds as if she is convinced it will demise so if you cannot get over her past, she might already be over you.
Author blusky Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Yes here and now is good and damn those aliens intergalactic trouble makers. MOMAN - that scares me a little - maybe I'm to be sacrificed at the karma alter to clear her way for future relationships? Can I ask did you leave or did she get jack of your insecurity?
moman Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 It sounds like you are going to be the sacrificial lamb, which does not bode well for you. Sorry to say it bud, but I would be extremely leery of a woman who made a comment like that. For my situation, it's a long story, but she misspoke, I misread, we had some differences, and the ending was not good. I wish I Hadn't held things over her head but I did when it was a stupid thing to do. She finally left me for it at which point I forgave her and immediately felt better, but when we got back together the damage was done. You girls' infidelity should have been kept a secret to her. I am of the point where I do not ask any girl a question that might produce an answer I would want to hold over her head.
norajane Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 I think you should forgive her. I fail to see what he needs to forgive her for. She didn't do anything to him. She didn't hurt him, or cheat on him, or lie to him, or hide anything from him. There's nothing to forgive. Frankly, she would have been well within her rights not to even tell him about it - it has nothing to do with him. And that stuff about the karma...she so very much regrets having done it that she fears that she's going to fall in love with a guy who can't find it within himself to love her for who she is and not despise her for her past.
kingbee930 Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 dude, let he who is without sin cast the first stone.......so on and so forth, but this is the kicker. love is unconditional yet uncompromising. not hypocritical, not judgemental. i said all that to say, when ur in love and even when u naturally love, hurt is gonna happen. thats a fact. intentional or unintentional, and ud be surprised at the amount that u will actually dish out. ur a person shes a person, allow for mistakes or ur problems will not end with her they will follow u because that is ur baggage and picture of perfection. shes still a rose dude.
nicki Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I would probably be so afraid to disclose something like that. She IS brave and wants you to know everything about her. She is honest. It's not so much what she did, but her attitude and actions after that you need to look at. She regrets it, took action to correct it, and it will never ever happen again. She's learned from it. I can tell you from experience, being abused messes with your head. She wasn't in her right mind when she did what she did, and she knows it. Now, if she was bragging about her threesome and wasn't remorseful about the affair, I'd say you have a problem. But that isn't the situation here. She sounds like a wonderful, loving woman with good character and an honest soul. That's a pretty good deal these days. Give her a hug and tell her that you love her. She's probably waiting to hear from you that her past doesn't make a difference to you at all. That you are proud of what she's overcome.
Author blusky Posted August 10, 2006 Author Posted August 10, 2006 Thanks so much to you all - I'm actually starting to see that I maybe an insensitive self centered fool. NICKI you actually brought a tear to my eye I see the error of my ways and can't wait to try and turn this around. MOMAN - "I am of the point where I do not ask any girl a question that might produce an answer I would want to hold over her head." I cannot agree with this I still beleive people should share their important experiences, whatever the risk, you should know the things that have shaped your SO, made them the person they are. Sometimes it will be a challenge, but that is a test, beleive me I know this, but better that than invest 5 10 years and then find something you could never live with - what a tradgedy. Being open and honest will present challenges but it will allow you to grow - as I am right now
nicki Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Blusky, you ARE a caring and sensitive guy. It's just a normal thought process you have been going through. Glad you have worked it out in your mind. That's what you needed to do, whatever you chose to do in the end. I hope you both will be very happy together. You two deserve it.
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