Should I stay or should I go? !

[RoseNoire]

Okay, I really need to tell my story here from start to finish and get some unbiased advice. Thanks for reading, in advance.

 

I have been in a relationship for 4 1/2 years with a guy who is 15 years older than me. I have dated all sorts of men, but found I generally prefer older men because they usually provide more interesting conversation, so that's my rational for that, if it matters. I would also like to say that I am a UC Berkeley educated woman currently in my mid 20's, and I am fairly worldy, having grown up in various parts of the world. I consider myself a very spiritual person - not religious, but spiritual - I meditate regularly and am in fairly good attunement with myself.

 

I am also a self confident and independent woman, but I guess since this is my first major (1+ year) relationship, I'm just a little confused as to what it reasonable and unreasonable to expect in a relationship like this. I went into it with an open heart, a basic sense of trust (with open-ness for more), a good knowledge of myself and all my benefits and imperfections, and reasonable expectations that it would have its ups and downs like any relationship - and it has, but lately I'm wondering if the ups are really worth all the downs and if I should just walk away from this relationship entirely.

 

The first 2 years of the relationship were spent dating and living apart while I was finishing up college. We had some arguments here and there, but to be honest, the "love chemicals" were still strong at that time, and I probably didn't see things very clearly at that time. I did come to realize he had a very strong temper though, and something of a mean streak...but he was also very loving and close and romantic enough to feel like it made up for it. After college, for our 3rd and 4th year together, I moved into his apartment. This was where the trouble started. He hit me (very lightly, but still) about 4 months into our cohabitation....and was often verbally abusive when he got very angry over what was often something very minor.

 

I also found out that he has a history of domestic violence, but had gone to counseling for it and was doing his best to not follow that path anymore. I made it very clear to him that his being abusive like that - both verbally or physically - was something I would not tolerate, and since then, he has never hit me again and truly has worked hard at restraining his meaner comments. He really has made progress in this regard...and he was very apologetic and loving to me afterwards...which is why I have stayed with him so long, because I could see he really was making the effort. But, he still has a temper (even if it is not directed at me)...and a somewhat negative view of the world, which bothers me greatly...but I'll get to that in a moment

 

When I moved in with him, he said to me that he'd like to give us 1 year of living together before he would want to get married to me. I agreed to this idea because I felt it was reasonable, and I wasn't ready to get married right away, either. So, a year came and went and still no sign of an engagement ring...and when I brought it up to him, he would be like "well, let's try for 6 months of no major problems"....but it felt to me like he was just using this as an excuse, because of course we were going to argue and such. Duh, what couple doesn't? Anyways, so I suggested alternatives to him...like...handfasting (We're both of pagan leanings) or even simply moving out together into a new place which we both chose (instead of living in his apartment, which was tiny). But he would not budge, because he valued his security there and was worried that if we broke up and were in a new place, he would not be able to afford it on his own. I seriously never nagged him about it, but the concept that I had been ready to take the chance because I loved him - and he valued his security more than taking a chance for love - really bummed me out.

 

I had gotten so tired of hearing these excuses and reasons for delays of progress with our relationship - as well as his continued negative views of the world and sometimes angry streaks - that it got to the point where we were arguing almost constantly. And this was when we both said hurtful things to each other...he would say things like, why was his with a woman who caused stress in his life, wasn't his life better without me, etc? To which I would say things like "well, I can leave", etc.

 

We both became anxious...he kept telling me he only got so angry because he felt scared I would leave and that I would never forgive him for hitting me those few times...I told him I wasn't still upset about that (because he hadn't hit me in a very long time), instead I was only upset about the fact that I felt I could not be open with him because his volatile temper would still show its head sometimes, even though he tried his best to calm down and had even made great progress in that regard. When he realize how much he was hurting me, he redoubled his effort to make me happier - he even said "let's move out together" and really, really did make a true effort to be calmer and more loving instead of temperamental.

 

But I told him it would take time for me to trust that I could be open with him fully again..and at this point It was like...everything good he would do, I was always waiting for the axe to fall - because this is what experience had taught me in dealing with him. Everytime the axe did not fall, I would learn to be that much more trusting towards him. I told him this, but evidently I was not making quick enough progress for him, because more often than not he would be loving for awhile...and then lose patience. And it wasn't like I was being cold to him, or unloving - I just kept telling him the truth, which was that I still felt I could fully be myself/open with him at this point, and that it would take time, and I didn't know how long.

 

So eventually his rushing me like that, made me decide that I really needed some time and space to myself to think clearly. Thus, at the beginning of this year..I moved out. We didn't break up, but I moved to a nearby city, and these days see him about 4 times per week for a few hours. It is much easier to be around him now that we are living apart, because he has his space to retreat to and I have mine, when things start going badly to the point we can't talk them out....it gives me a chance to deal with things in my heart and mind and sort out if it's me or him being unreasonable in certain circumstances. But he's still trying to rush me. He expects that 5 months of "having my own space" and all the efforts he's made, should have been enough time and encouragement for me to feel healed and fully trusting again.

 

I told him I can't rush how I feel...I'm doing my best, and that there is some progress, and that I know he's trying his best too, but I don't want to lie to him and tell him I feel all better when I don't feel that way in my heart yet. And often when I have some minor issue come up - that could be resolved peacefully if he only simply acknowledged it, even if he didn't agree with it - he still has a tendency to get more upset than I was even to begin with, and he blows the issue out of proportion...and I just don't know how to stop that juggernaut of emotion he seems hell bent on when he gets going. I've tried to reason with him and say that it's probably a combination of both our faults...I've tried apologizing for upsetting him and that my intention was merely to express how I feel, not to hurt him...I've tried just being silent....I've tried reassuring him that this wasn't a major issue, but it's something that bothered me...etc, etc.

 

Just the other night we had an argument, whereby I tried to resolve it through so many different methods, and eventually I just asked him "what would you like me to do or say at this point?". And he said he wanted basically for me to instead of telling him I was upset, to "let it go" by being extra loving instead and approaching him with sex or extra cuddles, etc..."with the skills that so many women have for their men." This really pissed me off, because basically it seems to me like he was saying I should deny my emotions and put on an act for his benefit. What am I...a 1950's demure housewife with no mind and no emotions? I'd feel like I was a robot....not loved for being me - a real woman with real and valid emotions.

 

I'm not even saying I'm perfect...far from it...but I can't imagine it is healthy for a relationship to be based on such standards and expectations, where one person has to deny who they are and how they feel just to keep the peace. But..I try to be open minded...since this is my first big relationship. Is that really the only way relationships will work? By someone sacrificing themselves so much to become something they aren't, just to keep the relationship going? Somehow I can't see that being the case...but you tell me. And I think if that's truly the case, I'd rather just avoid serious relationships altogether...so please, someone tell me that's not the way it really is, before I become one of those horribly jaded, men-hating women out there and forsake all the good men that exist in the world....

 

Anyways, I think the simple truth is, he has an unreasonable temper...and when he gets angry like that, there is just no stopping him, save for me walking away and letting him cool off for a bit. And frankly, though he has made so much progress with controlling his temper...I'm just not sure if I can deal with it anymore. Especially not deal with it and be able to heal myself at the same time. He's also not often like that anymore where he "expects" me to be a certain way...mostly because he knows he's had no luck with those expectations so far, heh...but every now and again it just kills me to see him slip from the man I love who is loving and open into the man who is alien to me, and who lives in some bizarre male-dominated universe where anger and "perfect women" are supposed to exist.

 

So...should I stay or should I go? I'm soooo tired of dealing with the ups and downs of his emotions and temper...but at the same time...he does have potential and he truly has made great progress with his emotions and his attitude towards this relationship. But, I just don't know anymore...so I turn to the good people of the loveshack forum for some input. Thanks so much!

[Walk]

This might not help, but go read my old posts. Even the last one I put up. If you see any similiarites at all, then run. It won't get better... might not get any worse, but you'll fight for ever single milimeter of happiness you have.

 

Oh, and potential is most often unrecognized forever. So if you're waiting for the potential to suddenly shine through one day... well, you'll be always be waiting.

 

It sounds like you love him. And not that he's a bad person, he has bad habits and bad judgement, and poorly controlled temper. But it doesn't sound like he's quite right for you. He's not going to help YOU reach a higher level within yourself. And I think in time, you'll resent him for that. That you wasted those years trying to heal him when they should've been spent working with him to make two wonderful people. Not just to get him back to "level 0".

 

It's okay to love someone and still realize that that person isn't what is going to be best for you. Recognize your full potential, and take the steps necessary so that you can achieve it. You're young enough that you have years of change in front of you, even though you are worldly. People change an incredible amount between 21 and 28. Do you want someone who will stifle that growth, or encourage it? Do you want to put your needs second for a man who thinks it's okay to degrade you? Or become the woman you were meant to be? Someone who can be an example of intelligence and caring, yet balanced by strong respect for herself.