Guest Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I am married and have had the same small group of friends since high school. Most of my girlfriends have either moved away, or have children and we just don't connect like we used to or our interest have changed. I recently met a guy through associates that I have alot in common with. He and I share alot of the same interest in music, hobbies and come from a similar family background (our families were both dysfunctional..lol) My hubby doesn't share those interest with me and that's worked for us b/c it's given us both things to do without each other, while still sharing other things together. So I would really like to have a friendship with this person. Problem is H has a small jealous streak and I know would have issue with this. I would not have a problem with him befriending a girl. As a result, I would probably quickly develop a love for his hobbies...so that I could tag along..lol. But I trust him and wouldn't want to stifle him. I don't think it should matter that this friend is male, but I know it will. Any suggestions?
P1xie Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I don't think it should be a problem as long as you don't try to be sneaky or dishonest about it. Talk to your husband, offer to introduce him, invite him along. I personally would be offended with my bf if he was hanging out with another girl. Not because of it being another girl but because he doesn't want to hang out with me.
Tony T Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Friendships are great...but you are seeking a friendship with this other man because of many common interests. That's the same reason we date someone, get engaged and get married. If you've married the wrong guy, get a divorce. You shouldn't have to go our searching for friends to do things with because you don't much in common with your husband. Male friends are just fine but in your case it sounds like the friendship could escalate to something more in a short time. You have some serious decisions to make about your marriage.
quankanne Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 include your husband in this friendship is prolly the best thing you can do. Two of my closest friends from college are guys, and from the beginning, I've talked about them and my relationship with them with my husband. And he's okay with those relationships because he understands that while I love them, they'll never be considered anything more than close "family" to me. Share your friends with him – old and the ones you make during your marriage – and he most likely won't feel left out.
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 As long as the friendship stays on the straight and narrow. NO sex talk, don't discuss your marriage with him if you're having fights or anything like that with him. Don't hold hands, or be affectionate. Make sure your husband is included at times, don't exclude him from the friendship. Introduce your husband to this guy, let them know eachother abit as well. See, I look at it this way. There are friends, male ones, I've known since I was a little kid - Family friends. They're in my life forever...They're married, have kids as well. BUT, we keep intouch, have a coffee once in a while and it's no big deal. Then I have friends who I've worked with over the years and kept intouch with them. Fortunately, my hubby knows all of them too, so again, it's not big deal that I'm buddies with the guys..He is as well. Problem becomes when you meet someone new - It just is abit dangerous because feelings can creep up. Women tend to become emotionally attached, and because of that, let feelings grow that turn more intimate and sexual. It's OK to become attached, but in a healthy friend way. Caring way. If it turns sexual or you find yourself wanting to spend more time with him than your own husband, that's a huge problem and a threat to your marriage. Keep it light, fun and casual. Don't "talk" and share things with him like you would a female friend. And, don't let him rely on you too much, or "need" you. That's also something to keep an eye out for too.
davistev Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 As a general rule - no man likes it when their girl is seeking friendship or whatever from another man. You are treading in dangerous waters here. Dont be surprised if your man decides on dating . . .. . . be careful my dear.
differ Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I'm not a fan of opposite sex friendships. I picture everything in the context of two people taking a 2 month roadtrip together seeing the countryside. After enough time spent together, unless one is totally repulsed by the other, the odds of something happening are highly likely in my experience.
HokeyReligions Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 The best friends I've had have all been guys. As long as this other guy knows the boundaries and knows you are not seeking something else and will refuse anything offered other than friendship - why not? My male friends don't have that much in common with my husband, but I invite them over or hubby out with the guy friends (when we used to go out - haven't in years!) and hubby was fine with that. It does help to have other friends to share things with that your spouse doesn't necessarily enjoy. Some of hubby's friends are female and I don't have a problem because they share things that hubby & I don't share -- and hubby and I share things that we couldn't or wouldn't share with our friends. My view is that just because people are married doesn't mean they have to be joined at the hip. With us it's more of a crowd thing though - very seldom have I just hung out with one person. Maybe to go to a movie that no one else wanted to see, or go "antikiing" as one friends spells it! We greet each other with "Hi Anti-King" and it took a long time for hubby to understand the joke. Anyway - if your hubby is jealous then he must come first - but try to include him. Invite your new friend over for dinner -- along with some other friends, have a BBQ or something so they can get to know each other a little and be more comfortable.
ladyinwaiting Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 I have several male friends, most of whom became friends through work or through community organisations. We're not talking intimate trips to the movies or slumber parties, I have lunch with one or other of them quite regularly, exchange emails during the day, and do things like fundraising together. I was involved in one's wedding. I sometimes get the sense the Man is a little edgy about it, but I'm open and honest so he knows he doesn't have anything to worry about. I'd be both offended and dismayed if he said friendships with men were out of bounds. I wouldn't say it would be be a deal-breaker, but it would make me reasses the relationship and his control issues... Tolerance, however, works two ways. My partner keeps in contact with his ex-girlfriend, usually calling her once every couple of weeks. Another of his close friends is younger and prettier than me, and I admit I get insanely jealous about that at times. But, thing is, he's with *me* and I'm with him. We've got to trust that, or the relationship isn't worth anything. My suggestion? Be open with your husband, introduce your new friend if your husband reallly wants to meet him, but otherwise continue as normal. And make sure you're marriage is healthy. That's the real way to avoid temptation - not mandates from your spouse about the gender of your friends.
skylight Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Yes, why not. And married men can have female friends. Marriage should not be about restriction and control.
skylight Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Yes, why not? And married men can have female friends too.
Outcast Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 It's not about 'restriction and control'. Other than maybe controlling yourself. It is not that hard to fall in love with an opposite-gender friend. Happens all the time and then people find themselves having affairs. So you can rail against 'restrictions' all you want, but if you don't want to end up in trouble, you conduct yourself wisely.
michaelk Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I think it's okay to have an opposite-sex friend as long as it's within a larger social group. As many here have already said, if you and your friend start spending one-on-one time together, the chances of something happening are real. On the other hand, if you had a male friend at work (for example) and you hung out with other co-workers, there would probably be less chance of the two of you straying down the wrong path together. Maybe you need to find some local interest groups that center around your hobbies/interests. That way you could meet others with those interests in a safer environment.
Green Posted August 11, 2006 Posted August 11, 2006 I'm not going to lie any girl I'm friends with if push came to shove and I got the green light for a kiss or something I'd probably dive right in!
Cecelius Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Man + woman alone (and not because of work, short term requirement like waiting for spouses, etc.) together -- sure looks like a date to me.
DeeBrod83 Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I'd love to say that you can have opposite sex friends and have no interest in them that way, but honestly I don't think that's true. Most of the guys that I'm friends with, if situations were different, I'd consider dating. But I feel that I could/would never do that to my SO, so that keeps me in check, but I make sure that I don't put myself in tempting situations either b/c that's just ASKING for trouble, or at least doubt on your SO's part.
Moose Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Nope, it's not appropriate for a Married woman to keep company with men. Whether he's Married or single.....
bluetuesday Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 it's unwise. i'd advise you not to do it. perhaps you are completely trustworthy and so is this man, and perhaps feelings will not develop on either side. but if you spend enough time alone with him, doing fun things, it'll be unusual if one or other of you doesn't want more at some point. your husband would have an issue with this for good reason. it doesn't mean he's got a jealous streak. it means he recognises a bad idea when he sees one.
JamesM Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 I think it has been said well already, but I will weigh in also. It is unwise. When any married person has a friend of the opposite sex that he or she spends time with, the biggest danger is that when things are not going well at home, then this person becomes even more enjoyable. At this point, an affair can become a reality. You must answer the question that if he invited a girl over while you were gone or went with one who had the same interests as you..would you feel okay? And then you must both answer the question that if you have other friends of the opposite sex who you would rather go out with for fun, why? I know I would have a problem if my wife had a male friend she would rather go out with than me, but I know that my wife would always love to have me along...unless I want to "control" her shopping! We have rare times that we can get out due to kids. She could take that a step farther and go out with a male frined while I stay home an babysit...but that would not be healty for either of us. I know my wife would have a problem if I started going out with a female friend. First, I don't think she would trust that it would stay a friendship. But second, she would feel angry and jealous that SHE needs to stay with the kids while I got out. In either case, when we had our most difficult times, I can see these friendships becoming dangerously more rather than us...and in particular me...spending that energy on our marriage. So, is it possible? If both parties are okay with it, and your marriage is perfect and will stay that way...yes. Practically..I do not believe it is good.
a4a Posted August 22, 2006 Posted August 22, 2006 Doesnt this boil down to a really serious lack of trust? I have several male coworkers I spend gads of time with, hell even have to sleep with them in close quarters. But I would never dream of touching any of them with a ten foot pole.
Outcast Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 Doesnt this boil down to a really serious lack of trust? No. Your indicates that you would not choose to spend time with these people and don't enjoy their company. We are talking here about people like the OP, who said of the guy He and I share alot of the same interest in music, hobbies and come from a similar family background (our families were both dysfunctional..lol) My hubby doesn't share those interest with me How do you fall for someone? You find shared interests, spend time together, enjoy each other's company. You share intimacies. And you fall in love. She's already got a few of the elements of love on the go so to go spend time sharing mutual interests with a man other than her husband is to be headed for one of the many, many 'I've fallen in love with my friend' posts that we find in the Infidelity forums among other places. Now, maybe you're a person who has found your SO so superior to all other men that they simply cannot compare - in which case it's a no-brainer. But again, the OP's 'friend' shares many interests with her that the spouse doesn't meaning he's not that perfect and so she's more vulnerable.
a4a Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 If you have the hots for some other person..... go for it. But leave your current partner. wtf happened to honor, self respect, and just plain old doing the right thing? Maybe if the OP is entertaining the idea of an affair or thinking the grass is greener she needs to remind herself that men may come and go but she will have to live with her actions and decisions for the rest of her life....... certainly not worth doing in my view. But hell I have high standards for myself...... maybe I am the biggest weirdo in the world because of it? I do not need to limit my contact with others (steaming hot or butt ugly) because I fear I will cheat.
FataMorgana Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 As long as the friendship stays on the straight and narrow. NO sex talk, don't discuss your marriage with him if you're having fights or anything like that with him. Don't hold hands, or be affectionate. Make sure your husband is included at times, don't exclude him from the friendship. Introduce your husband to this guy, let them know eachother abit as well. See, I look at it this way. There are friends, male ones, I've known since I was a little kid - Family friends. They're in my life forever...They're married, have kids as well. BUT, we keep intouch, have a coffee once in a while and it's no big deal. Then I have friends who I've worked with over the years and kept intouch with them. Fortunately, my hubby knows all of them too, so again, it's not big deal that I'm buddies with the guys..He is as well. Problem becomes when you meet someone new - It just is abit dangerous because feelings can creep up. Women tend to become emotionally attached, and because of that, let feelings grow that turn more intimate and sexual. It's OK to become attached, but in a healthy friend way. Caring way. If it turns sexual or you find yourself wanting to spend more time with him than your own husband, that's a huge problem and a threat to your marriage. Keep it light, fun and casual. Don't "talk" and share things with him like you would a female friend. And, don't let him rely on you too much, or "need" you. That's also something to keep an eye out for too. great post, pretty much covers it all, totally agree.
EnigmaXOXO Posted August 23, 2006 Posted August 23, 2006 I don't think it should matter that this friend is male, but I know it will. Then you already know the answer which best fits your unique relationship dynamics. So it becomes a question of whether developing a friendship with this new man should take priority over the friendship and feelings of trust you have already established over the years with your husband. Is this new relationship really worth shaking up the foundation of your current one? Would it be fair to risk your husband's peace of mind over this other guy … knowing full well in advance how he will respond? My thoughts are along the same lines as Outcast's on this one. It seems making a new "friend" isn't the issue here as much as having found another man to fill in some of the gaps in your current relationship that you feel your husband has left open. It would be great to have a gal pal to share your hobbies and interests with because; if you find her more "fun" to hang around with than your hubby; you're less likely to confuse it with "love" and want to shag her. But if you’re a heterosexual female, it's likely your male buddy will start looking a helluva lot better than your husband after a while. And as Outcast already pointed out … that's exactly how extramarital affairs start. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. And when standing at a fork in the road you must become 100% accountable for choosing which path to take and the consequences you may encounter. Choose carefully and wisely … because more often than not, there's no turning back.
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