If you had your time back....

[Volverte_a_ver]

Hello, I'm new to the forum!

 

I'm not currently in a LDR, but am about to enter one. I promised myself I would never put myself in this situation, since I tended to be a jealous and someone needy person in the past, but I think I've grown since then, and also met the love of my life.

 

The situation's not too bad, it's only going to be for eight months..("only".. well I know it could be worse!). In that time, we will only be able to see each other once, at Christmas time, but we'll stay in touch through phone calls, e-mail and snail mail.

 

Anyway, I'll probably be camping out here for the next eight months, but I'm not here (yet) for help coping with the LDR, but rather to ask:

 

"If you had your time back, what would you have done before the LDR to make things easier?"

 

Is there anything you wish you had done, or would think to do now? He's leaving in 14 days, so I have a bit of time... just wondering if anyone can offer me some advice!

 

Thanks!

[RecordProducer]

Spend a lot of time talking (voice in some of the messenger programs, Skype is the best for voice, I like Yahoo for chats). Have webcams installed to see each other.

 

Don't be jealous and trust him. If he truly loves you, he will be faithful. I was in a LDR with hubby for a year and a half (we met online) and we trusted each other.

 

Don't take the distance as a disaster! Enjoy the expectation and be patient. Great things are worth waiting for.

[leopardprint]

Is there anything you wish you had done, or would think to do now?

 

Well, I can't say I know anything to do to "prepare" for the LDR before I got into it, since mine started as an LDR.

 

I can say, there are a lot of things I wish I had known before hand going in. I wish I would have done a lot of things differently during it.

 

- I wish I wasn't so caught up in my own insecurities, and I wish I didn't blame him for them.

- I wish I just remembered that LDRs end and soon you'll be together. I got caught up in the distance and time away, and just forgot that one day I'd be waking up next to him every morning. Forgetting that left me feeling lonely, anxious, and angry.

- I wish I had not assumed certain things and feelings because at times, I couldn't see him or I couldn't ask. I assumed the worse, when it didn't even exist, thus, I pushed him away. I guess this goes back to the personal insecurity thing.

 

There's so much more, but it all falls into that same catagory; I wish I hadn't been so anxious and nervous and frantic about the whole thing. I knew the LONG DISTANCE part of the relationship would end some day... I just got worried, and impatient, and that kind of ruined everything for me.

[leopardprint]

Don't take the distance as a disaster! Enjoy the expectation and be patient. Great things are worth waiting for.

 

 

EXACTLY. Perfect advice, RecordProducer.

[Guest]

Spend as much time together in the next 14 days. Even if you have to work, make the time to see him (if you have your own place, have him stay with you as much as possible). This is crucial right now since he is thinking the same things as you. This is your best time to reassure eachother right now. Get your emotions towards him out and said. You do not want to send him off with him feeling like you might not be there for him emotionally. Show him your best side and that you will do everything possible to make this work.

 

Take it piece by piece. The first time you will see eachother again - focus on that... not the end time. So many people let the love slip because of the distance and time away. It sounds to me like he is going away to college since you mention 8 months. Trust each other. Email eachother every day even if it is a one line. Trust me that means a hell of a lot when you are apart. Ask questions, get updates, and really fill eachother in. It makes the relationship so much better when your SO knows of and can picture the people you speak of. Send pictures via internet. Set up a special joint myspace account and share things there. If you want this to work, you will find ways. Snail mail is exciting to get these days. Send anniversary cards and B-day cards and just cards in general. It's a delight!

 

Keep the contact. DO NOT LET THIS SLIP. It is very important to tell eachother how you miss them and what you would do together if you were there right now. Don't dwell on the fact that you aren't with them, but that you can't wait to see them again and hold them in your arms. Things like that. You both need to reassure eachother that the feelings are still there and that nothing is changing.

 

I have been in LDR's, quite a few. They are amazing, and to tell you the truth, some of my best affectionate relationships have been LDR with the emotional connection.

[Volverte_a_ver]

Thank you so much to everyone who has answered!

I really appreciate it, and will take everything you've all said into account.

 

For anyone who cares, just to explain: He's moving away to another province with his family. I have one year left of my degree (hence the eight months), which means I can't transfer, but once I graduate I am going to follow him there.

[RecordProducer]

...once I graduate I am going to follow him there.

And that's where your problems will start so enjoy while you're full of happy hopes!

[Volverte_a_ver]

Thanks for judging us when you don't know our situation at all!

Ps- We're engaged. And I was going to move there (or a choice between another two cities) anyway. Ah well, it doesn't really matter what some random I don't know thinks. Thanks for the support, which is what I came here for.

 

In future, if anyone has any negative comments, I don't really need them at this point right now. So if you can't say anything nice...

[Kelebek]

Hi sweety - well, I live 2000 miles away from my wonderful boyfriend and it hurts every day when it hits me that I can't see him. I know it sounds obivous, but when you really want to hug then and physically CAN'T, it's so upsetting. 16 days til I do though!! Can't wait to be on that plane!

 

I can never find a way of making it "easier" while we're together, as I can practically HEAR the time ticking...all I can say is just have the most fun you can have with him...sometimes we find it hard, because we know we will be apart again soon, and that pressure makes us bicker over silly things...so just try to not get upset by the distance looming, and enjoy being with him. As another member said, webcams are a must - I find it invaluable. To see him laughing is so GREAT, and making the silly faces that I miss, and little things like that

 

Most of all, you both have to prepare for the fact that trust is automatically a huge issue, and that you will both have to make an effort. My boyfriend and I made the decision to trust each other 100%, and to ALWAYS be honest with each other. We have nothing to gain by lying - we agree that we'd be better off apart if that happened, obviously. I realise that by agreeing to believe everything the other says, it can leave you open to being completely taken advantage of, and having your trust betrayed. Easy peasy, he could be riding rings round himself. So could I. However, we love each other...and in knowing that someone is trusting me so completely, I want to protect that with all I have, as it's really precious. I actually feel a huge responsibility, and that makes me want to tell him everything I'm doing and when. So I have no reason to lie, and I know he's the same.

 

Also, it's so much easier, no heart-wrenching worry - I've never really been great at trusting people in the past, and I know jealousy intimately lol. But to feel so comfortable in trusting someone is fantastic. In this situation, if you have trust issues, you will find it excruciatingly difficult. If someone takes slightly longer to reply to an sms, or online, someone with trust issues would immediately start to panic, and question the person, leading to arguments.

 

I'm sorry if I haven't helped much - I must be rambling as I'm fairly new to all of this too. I just think that really talking with him about trust etc is the most important thing. And as another post said, keep in touch - it sounds obvious, but as you're not sharing your every day lives, it can be difficult at first to find things to talk about. I found that my boyfriend and I were only rambling about how much we missed each other and getting caught up in the romance of the whole thing etc and one day I phoned him and said, Look, let's just be the real you and me...let's talk about stupid boring things, as well as the soppy stuff. So now we talk about the stuff we talk about when we're together, which I miss more than the soppy stuff lol. So try to keep it real.

 

Don't worry honey - people in the same situation who understand what it's like will be supportive. It's tough!! My friends/family who have never been through anything similar find it difficult to be supportive, and I understand that, despite being upset by it. They just don't know, it's not their fault. And people who have been through similar things, and have had it fail and are bitter (perhaps the inspiration for the above comment?) well it's sad but it's not you. Don't listen to them. You sound like you're thinking about this really sensibly and trying to prepare for it, so I'm happy for you - I think you will cope really well. I flung myself into it without thinking of the consequences and now I'm completely stuck in the deep end, lol. I wish I'd thought about it as well as you! To sum up - 8 months isn't a long time, honestly. My best friend was away in another country studying for 6 months, and it FLEW, and she and her partner are as happy as ever. I can't believe how fast it went. Trust me, you won't either. At least you're not like me - no CLUE where the end lies! Lol!

 

Good luck with everything, and congratulations for when you graduate! I will graduate at the same time as you lol, just realised that...I didn't realise it was only 8 months away though! Oh God!!! :S

 

Take care and if you need a moan, we'll all be here probably moaning too, lol. xx

[RecordProducer]

Thanks for judging us when you don't know our situation at all!

I wasn't judging you at all! But now I will: you have no sense of humor. And you're also out of this planet if you think that being married is a piece of cake.

 

I was joking. But it's also a joke based on truth for all couples. relationships are a lot of work, compromising, effort, and roses don't bloom all the time in a marriage. While dating long-distance, everything is cool except the fact that you miss your partner. The real problems start when you get married. And you either overcome them or they destroy you.

 

Nothing in my statement was judgmental. I don't even know you. But I think you took my statement too personally for a reason!

[Volverte_a_ver]

Kelebek.. thank you so much for your response! I know you felt like you were rambling but you have no idea how much that post helped me out! Like you said, you can't really go for support to friends and family members who haven't experienced it, and just hearing someone say "I'm going through the same thing" really helps out.

 

I really like the idea of agreeing to trust each other 100%. Obviously that's always the goal, but just to speak it out loud to one another I think is a big step. Our most common lament is "you're going to meet someone else", and while I don't think either one of us fears that situation actually arising, the lack of control is unsettling. I'm going to talk about this with him the next time we're together!

 

I hate talking on instant messengers sometimes just because I tend to jump to conclusions.. if someone's messages are brief or they don't seem chatty, I'm quick to assume something's wrong, but what you said made me realize I should hold back if that happens, because I don't want to waste worrying about things like that when really, he just can't type as fast as normal because he's eating a sandwich, and I haven't given him the time to tell me!

 

It is without a doubt easier to wait for a set period of time than to wait indefinitely, so I am extremely grateful that I know how long we will be apart, and have school to occupy myself with. I hope that, if you can't be together soon, that you at least find out how soon it will be until you can be with yours.

 

Thanks again! You've really made me feel better, if even just letting me know you're out there too, going through this, and surviving!

[Kelebek]

Lol you've got no idea how great it feels for me too, to find someone going through the same thing!!! Like you said, knowing people are experiencing the same thing is a relief, and we know how to support each other

 

I just had to reply because I understand 100% about the "you're going to meet someone else" thing....DON'T start that, cos it escalates out of control. I said this to my boyfriend, simply because I'm naturally a jealous person and I always like to pre-empt disaster and sort of give the other person a way to easily admit what they're up to (how trusting am I?? lol) so I would say it jokily...."oh yeah, you weren't online, that means you were obviously out up to no good!" Thing is, my boyfriend didn't take it as a joke, and it became a bit of an argument, and we both realised it was stupid, hence leading to our "let's trust each other 100%" discussion. That means no snide comments, no comments even made as a joke, because it's obviously a sensitive subject.

 

We were the same as you, neither of us has the slightest intention of meeting anyone else, and to be honest I felt stupid even as I was joking about it, as it's so unlikely - but you're right, the lack of control IS unsettling. That's why you need to address this before he leaves And I don't think you two will have any problem with trusting each other 100%...you're engaged, so obviously you already do I'm happy about that, as a lot of people don't understand how I can open myself 100% to someone, leaving myself extremely vulnerable. But to be honest, I feel SAFER. When I don't trust someone, I end up sabotaging on my own with my own stupid suspicions, and I really don't want that to happen here, so I'm happy to trust him, and he deserves it Of course you're right that it's always the goal, but when you actually speak about it and agree to it, you both feel sooo much more secure and comfortable, it honestly has made this so much easier.

 

You're totally right about the online chatting thing - it IS different. I've had arguments start with closest friends due to their tone being "off" in my opinion when really they're just watching tv at the same time, lol. It's a totally different beast, as you don't get physical vibes and impressions. That's why I think a webcam is a huge help. It lets your partner see that you're laughing when, for example, you say something sarcastic...cos I'm really sarcastic and things that I say could be taken very differently if my boyfriend couldn't see me laughing on the screen It's just safer, lol!!

 

I'm definitely surviving hun, and I'm always here, prepared for a ramble () if you need a little pick me up You're going to surprise yourself at how well you'll cope, 8 months will FLY, I'm saying that from experience so trust me!

 

Glad to have helped, it's helped me too!!