Brokenheart17 Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I have been married for 10 years to a man I have known my whole life. We have a wonderful little boy who is 7. After many miscarriages and my husband's alcoholism, I had decided to settle into a life of just "blah". We are fine financially and our son is the light of both of our lives, but really, that's it. We have different friends, different interests . . . well, you get the picture. Then I met the most annoying man in the world. He wouldn't stop looking at me for months and after avoiding him, well, you again get the picture. This man is married with two children and we have the best time together, playdates with the children, long conversations with each other, music, adventure. It's as though we were the same person. We have so much in common, our children are wonderful friends and we are both married to people we really don't love anymore. I have fallen very hard for him and I truly believe(d) he feels (felt) the same for me. After a while, of course, our friendship turned sexual. No don't get me wrong our friendship was always first, but the sex . . . very great. So, after months of agonizing over what to do next, knowing that this behavior is wrong and could be hurtful to lots of people, and thinking of each other all the time and finding every excuse under the sun to just see each other, we decide to leave our spouses. Him first. He was suppose to have this all said and done by now, but that hasn't happened. He tells me that money is the issue (attorney at all). He is, however still living with his wife, and to talk to him . . . he's getting all things straightened out, they've told the kids, have to sell the house, etc. It's been months now and I haven't seen any action. Nothing. I truly believed that by now things would have been more on schedule and he would have been well underway with his divorce and I would be starting mine. Of course, I try to talk to him about my feelings, but it turns into a "This is hard", "I'm trying" discussion and occassional argument. Which is hard, since we're spending less and less time together. I don't think he's telling me everything. I don't want to spend all our precious time together fighting. This weekend we spend alot of time together at kids' functions and it's killing me. We spend time trying not to spend too much time together and it's uncomfortable. Our spouses used to suspect there was something going on, but they have both resolved themselves to the fact that he and I are just best friends. Which is true. I really just need advice. Is he stringing me along? I don't want to take a break, because I truly love him and when we are alone (sex or not) I am more comfortable than I have ever been. More happy too. Yes, I am seeing a therapist to help me sort through my feelings, but I don't know how much good that's doing. I think I'm just as confused as before. This is the first time I have ever even looked at another man and I am a good person with morals and usually make good judgment calls, and I think this mess and the whole morality of it all is what's hurting me as much as the fact that things are not moving along as fast as I had thought. I thought this man and I were a TEAM and we were going to get through both divorces together, but I find myself miserable at home and learning later that the other member of my TEAM spent a great family weekend doing family things. Anyone?
owcanbhppy Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 wow, sorry for your frustration there. i would definately be curious for more details of what the delay is, since he said the children have been told. im also curious as to why you havent filed for your divorce yet.
Author Brokenheart17 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 The children have been told (I know that's true because they came to me with this information), but the excuse I'm getting is that she is not financially able to live on her own and there is a dispute about who gets the house. She cannot afford it (she just got fired from a high paying job for not showing up regularly, so don't feel too sorry for her) and wants to keep the marriage intact so basically WON'T leave. He would like to keep the house and doesn't want her to destroy things while he's out. I would like him to leave and get a place of his own, but you know I don't have any control over those things and any suggestions I have are always taken under advisement and then time passes, and . . . . The plan (which I realize is not going to materialize) is that we not separate from our spouses at the same time. He will go first, get things set up for us and then it will be my turn. We didn't think it would be a good idea for us both to be going through an emotional breakup at home and have the children all torn apart at the same time. While he was going through it, I will remain where I am and be there for them, and then it would be my turn. Oh it sounded good, about four months ago. Foolish? hu?
movinon05 Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Once again I offer up my story: Very similar. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t86518/ You may very well have a long road ahead of you. Good luck.
stillhere Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 The plan (which I realize is not going to materialize) is that we not separate from our spouses at the same time. He will go first, get things set up for us and then it will be my turn. We didn't think it would be a good idea for us both to be going through an emotional breakup at home and have the children all torn apart at the same time. While he was going through it, I will remain where I am and be there for them, and then it would be my turn. Oh it sounded good, about four months ago. Foolish? hu? No, it wasn't foolish. He made a promise to you, and many OW's on here can and will tell you that the men never really seem to leave their M. They tell you they will, but they rarely ever do. Mine is not leaving, he's told me this from the beginning, and still to this day. I think you have to give him an ultimatum. If he truely wants her out, and if he can afford it, have him rent her a place until the divorce is final, and then she'll be on her own. Give him a specific date, and if he doesn't start the process by that time, tell him it's over. I can understand your frustration, i have enough of that myself. I know divorce is very difficult, as i'm going through one as well, but if it is something he really wants, he'll get his butt moving on it. Otherwise, he's just stringing you along, and that's not fair to you.
Last Mohegan Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 I know exacty where your head is... I've been a part of plans like this and to the two people making the plans it sounds rational and well laid out. Its romantic and feels like the two of you against the world and fighting for your love. It will be a train wreck. There are waaaaayyyyyy too many variables and so many unanticipated factors AND feelings that enter into the "leaving". It looks great on paper, honestly, I know, but it just doesn't pan out the way you think its going to. No matter how on track and in sync the two of you say you are now, there will be very fluid feelings that come and go for both of you as you implement your staggered "leaving your marriage" plans. Train wreck all the way around. I would not, however, have listened to this kind of advice myself at the time but wish that I had. It was already out of control. Actually, I'm not sure I could have stopped the train and turned it around at this planning stage...it was my dream and I still have trouble letting it die. Also, your spouses may have accepted your "best friend" status but I can assure you they're in denial... It will be clear to them no matter how much you stagger your departures that you are both exiting to be together. My train (relationship) did wreck and the wreckage is STILL being felt by many, many, many people. Do we still love each other? Yes. Are we together today? No. I'm honestly not trying to bring you down but I do ache for the hell storm you are headed into. Brace yourself...there will be casualties. The children have been told (I know that's true because they came to me with this information), but the excuse I'm getting is that she is not financially able to live on her own and there is a dispute about who gets the house. She cannot afford it (she just got fired from a high paying job for not showing up regularly, so don't feel too sorry for her) and wants to keep the marriage intact so basically WON'T leave. He would like to keep the house and doesn't want her to destroy things while he's out. I would like him to leave and get a place of his own, but you know I don't have any control over those things and any suggestions I have are always taken under advisement and then time passes, and . . . . The plan (which I realize is not going to materialize) is that we not separate from our spouses at the same time. He will go first, get things set up for us and then it will be my turn. We didn't think it would be a good idea for us both to be going through an emotional breakup at home and have the children all torn apart at the same time. While he was going through it, I will remain where I am and be there for them, and then it would be my turn. Oh it sounded good, about four months ago. Foolish? hu?
whichwayisup Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Of course, I try to talk to him about my feelings, but it turns into a "This is hard", "I'm trying" discussion and occassional argument. Which is hard, since we're spending less and less time together. I don't think he's telling me everything. I don't want to spend all our precious time together fighting. That's the other thing. You two have spent so much time when things are wonderful. You've not dealt with day in and day out, daily routine, stresses, family, illnesses, all the wonderful crap that life throws at you. So, maybe it is good that you're fighting abit. It makes it more of a real reality than fantasy.
silktricks Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Do you want to leave your husband only if you can be with this other man? It sounds like your marriage is unhappy, and you are unhappy in it. Why don't you just leave and begin to take care of yourself. Even if things don't work out with OM, there are many very wonderful men out there. Take care of you and your life. Make it separate from both of the men. You'll be far happier if you do things to take care of you and your children rather than simply doing things to be "with" someone. A lot of times relationships don't work out, if you work towards being happy yourself, in yourself, you will be a much more content and joyful person.
Author Brokenheart17 Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Thank you for your story. There are SO many similarities in what you have gone through and what I am currently experiencing. All this advice has me thinking that I'm not alone and I need to listen to the advice of many wise women who have obviously gone through this before. (And I can totally see my MM's wife punching me in the face, she's a red head and is plain mean). All day long I have been going through my experiences and fun with my MM and wonder if they outweigh all the heartache and pain I am currently feeling (and wondering if he is truly feeling the same). I feel that I have changed as a person and although I was lonely and empty inside before, I was a good mother and very active in the community and did lots of things with my friends. Now, it seems that I am just spending a great deal of energy hiding my dirty little secret and checking my phone for text messages or trying to figure out a way to escape and be together all the while with a tremendous burden in my heart. I seem to always be on the verge of tears or some sort of anxiety attack and avoid any sort of conversation with ANYONE other than the superficial stock answer of, "I'm fine". And from what I understand it, could get worse?
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