I am a Married OW

[Brokenheart17]

OK. Give it to me.

 

I have been married for 10 years to a man I have known my whole life. We have a wonderful little boy who is 7. After many miscarriages and my husband's alcoholism, I had decided to settle into a life of just "blah". We are fine financially and our son is the light of both of our lives, but really, that's it. We have different friends, different interests . . . well, you get the picture.

 

Then I met the most annoying man in the world. He wouldn't stop looking at me for months and after avoiding him, well, you again get the picture.

 

This man is married with two children and we have the best time together, playdates with the children, long conversations with each other, music, adventure. It's as though we were the same person. We have so much in common, our children are wonderful friends and we are both married to people we really don't love anymore. I have fallen very hard for him and I truly believe(d) he feels (felt) the same for me. After a while, of course, our friendship turned sexual. No don't get me wrong our friendship was always first, but the sex . . . very great.

 

So, after months of agonizing over what to do next, knowing that this behavior is wrong and could be hurtful to lots of people, and thinking of each other all the time and finding every excuse under the sun to just see each other, we decide to leave our spouses. Him first. He was suppose to have this all said and done by now, but that hasn't happened. He tells me that money is the issue (attorney at all). He is, however still living with his wife, and to talk to him . . . he's getting all things straightened out, they've told the kids, have to sell the house, etc. It's been months now and I haven't seen any action. Nothing. I truly believed that by now things would have been more on schedule and he would have been well underway with his divorce and I would be starting mine. Of course, I try to talk to him about my feelings, but it turns into a "This is hard", "I'm trying" discussion and occassional argument. Which is hard, since we're spending less and less time together. I don't think he's telling me everything. I don't want to spend all our precious time together fighting.

 

This weekend we spend alot of time together at kids' functions and it's killing me. We spend time trying not to spend too much time together and it's uncomfortable. Our spouses used to suspect there was something going on, but they have both resolved themselves to the fact that he and I are just best friends. Which is true.

 

I really just need advice. Is he stringing me along? I don't want to take a break, because I truly love him and when we are alone (sex or not) I am more comfortable than I have ever been. More happy too.

 

Yes, I am seeing a therapist to help me sort through my feelings, but I don't know how much good that's doing. I think I'm just as confused as before.

 

This is the first time I have ever even looked at another man and I am a good person with morals and usually make good judgment calls, and I think this mess and the whole morality of it all is what's hurting me as much as the fact that things are not moving along as fast as I had thought.

 

I thought this man and I were a TEAM and we were going to get through both divorces together, but I find myself miserable at home and learning later that the other member of my TEAM spent a great family weekend doing family things.

 

Anyone?

[whichwayisup]

Have you divorced your husband yet? Or does he not know yet what's going on?

 

He's probably (your MM) is caught between you and his wife. She may be pressuring him to stay and work things out. The fact is, he's not being truthful with you, he's more than likely biding his time - So he can see how things are at home.

 

If your MM decides to stay with his wife, are you going to still get a divorce from your husband? Honestly, you should because your H deserves to be with a woman who will love only him.

 

This is the first time I have ever even looked at another man and I am a good person with morals and usually make good judgment calls, and I think this mess and the whole morality of it all is what's hurting me as much as the fact that things are not moving along as fast as I had thought.

Sorry to sound harsh, but I don't know how you can say that, when you've cheated on your husband...No matter what the circumstances are at home, you decided to cheat. And I'm sure your husband thought you two were a team at some point.

 

Did you two (you and your H) ever go to marriage counselling?

[Brokenheart17]

Don't apologize for being harsh, I know I deserve this and asked for it. I do feel bad for my actions and struggle internally with it on a daily basis. My husband and I have been to marriage counseling, and after the death of our baby, he turned to alcohol and left the marriage (if not physically) about two years ago. Yes, he deserves someone who will love him for that, I guess. I continued to go to marriage and grief counseling alone after he was too drunk to continue going with me. Now, I raise my son and go to my own counseling. I know it's hard to believe, but a part of me still loves my husband. I love him for who he was. He's very hard to love now.

 

I know the MM is biding his time. His wife is being very nice and making life good for him at home. My conflicts are great.

 

Thank you for your insight.

[whichwayisup]

I just wish you wouldn't give up on your husband. He's suffering too and him being male (they hold it in and don't like to talk about it, which is probably why he's having a harder time coping) doesn't help!

 

Maybe because of your son, give your marriage another chance. You explain to your husband that you DO love him, but he needs to start getting his stuff together so both of you can be happy. Let him know that you wont' wait forever, but you need to see some effort on his behalf.

 

Is he going to AA?

 

OK, you may not like this, but don't trust your MM 100%. The fact that he's been lying to his wife, cheated on her etc., means that he's capable of lying to you as well. Go read some threads in the OW/OM section, maybe even copy and paste this thread there - You might get more insight from the OW who have been through this or are currently dealing with their MM's.

 

Don't wait for the MM. Go on with your life and if that means getting a divorce, then do it because you don't want to be married anymore to your husband. Don't stay with your H if it's because things aren't going to workout with your MM. Maybe you need to be on your own for a while, sort this out.

 

Oh, have you ever been to an ALA-NON meeting for yourself? It could help too.

 

Good luck and keep posting!

[Brokenheart17]

Yes, my husband goes to AA and then drops out of AA and then goes back. We had dated on and off for 15 years (all through high school and beyond) before getting married, so I know him pretty well. I guess not too much anymore.

 

I tried Al-Anon, but it's hard to find a sitter for our 7 year old (can't leave with Dad very often because of the alcohol thing and it's hard to find a sitter as he is autistic). It was hard for me to listen on all that sadness. It just seemed that if I found time outside of work and the home to do something, it needed to be something joyful, not listening to all that sadness and complaining (funny as that is exactly what I am doing now).

 

I love my MM for how he makes me feel. It's hard to hold everything up at home with little appreciation and then when I found HIM and he seemed to really love me and say all those nice words and was nice to my son and we had so much in common and then promised me the moon. . . my guard just fell down (he worked on it for quite awhile--it wasn't easy for him).

 

Thank you again for your words. Don't feel bad about saying anything nasty to me, believe me, I know exactly what I have done and the damage I have probably caused to a great many people and I deserve any stoning that happens my way.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, my husband goes to AA and then drops out of AA and then goes back. We had dated on and off for 15 years (all through high school and beyond) before getting married, so I know him pretty well. I guess not too much anymore.

 

Well, losing a child (and I am sorry for your loss, that's heartbreaking) changes people forever and the dynamtic of the marriage. Unless together you two rely on eachother...But it sounds like each of you dealt with it a certain way, him turning to alcohol and letting that take over...Too bad he didn't stick with AA or go into rehab.

 

I tried Al-Anon, but it's hard to find a sitter for our 7 year old (can't leave with Dad very often because of the alcohol thing and it's hard to find a sitter as he is autistic). It was hard for me to listen on all that sadness. It just seemed that if I found time outside of work and the home to do something, it needed to be something joyful, not listening to all that sadness and complaining (funny as that is exactly what I am doing now).

 

Do you have family around? Your folks or his inlaws? Sisters/brothers etc?

 

I just hope you don't regret leaving your husband, looking back and thinking "If only we had tried harder..." There's alot of history between you two and it's just sad to give it up without giving it your 100% best. And, it's sad for your son. The fact he's autistic must make it harder.

 

I love my MM for how he makes me feel. It's hard to hold everything up at home with little appreciation and then when I found HIM and he seemed to really love me and say all those nice words and was nice to my son and we had so much in common and then promised me the moon. . . my guard just fell down (he worked on it for quite awhile--it wasn't easy for him).

Those needs your husband should be meeting, not the MM. Which makes me wonder if you really "love" him in the sense of growing old with him...I also think trust will become an issue between you two. Sometimes couples can make it work, but the fact is HOW you two got together wasn't pure and honest like how most start off relationships...That 100% faith and trust isn't there because each of you are cheating on your spouses...

 

Your MM may not leave his wife, so be prepared for that. He's got two women in his life and he may not want to lose his "having his cake and eating it too..." He could work things out, or not. I don't know how it will play out, that's all up in the air...

 

Don't make long term plans, at all. You don't want any high expectations otherwise you will be more hurt.

 

Thank you again for your words. Don't feel bad about saying anything nasty to me, believe me, I know exactly what I have done and the damage I have probably caused to a great many people and I deserve any stoning that happens my way.

 

You're welcome. And I'm not going to throw stones at you. You seem very sincere and very aware of the full situation at hand. I know as hard is it is, you'll take the responsibility of your actions and suffer the consquences, be accountable etc...

 

You're not a bad person, I think you and your husband have been thru hell and back, and because of that, his drinking, growing apart as a loving couples, stresses of an autistic child - has helped you make afew bad decisions, ones that will more than likely hurt you, as well as many others.