GF gets laptop after 5 years of marriage!

[davistev]

Here is a situation I would like to get some advice for. My girfriend of 8 months is divorcing her husband of 5 years (no kids). Some background - she was 20 when she got married and he was 59. She is from the Philippines and he is from the USA. When they got married, he had her sign a prenuptial agreement to protect his assets (fair enough!). During the 5 years she worked fulltime and all her money went into his account. She has no idea where the money went or the details of the financial situation.

 

When they agreed to part ways, he said she should be grateful to him for getting her out of the Philippines and bringing her to America. He has let her have a laptop computer and he will get everything else. He wants her to sign the divorce documents that gives her no claim to anything during the last 5 years. She thought this was normal and I have advised her to see a lawyer and not sign anything. She does not want to do this because she says "he is right" that he did bring her to America. I have told her it is all BS. He worked her like a dog for 5 years (double shifts etc) and she was basically his 401K. He is now looking for another young girl - - - - --

 

Lastly, during the 5 year marriage, they acquired another property and it is in both their names as well as the mortgage. He wants her to sign off the deed but not the mortgage. The story goes on like this. Finally, she asked if she could have one of the 3 cars. He is "considering" selling her one of them at top dollar.

 

I am sitting here in disbelief as I believe she is being used by a dirty old man who only wanted her for financial reasons.

 

I do not want to rock the boat too much, but I would hate to see her get used one last time. He also keeps in constant contact with her daily through emails, phone calls etc (another story which I am not happy about at all.).

 

My advice to her is see a lawyer NOW. She just wants to sign off the divorce and move on. I am concerned because her name is on the mortgage and this will have an affect on our ability to buy our own house.

 

How should I handle this situation? I am very upset at the man but she is not. Advice and comments appreciated.

[superconductor]

It is absolutely none of your business. Keep your mouth shut.

 

Life isn't fair. Never was, never will be. Sorry for your friend, but it's her issue, not yours.

[P1xie]

You gave her the best advice by telling her to see a lawyer. If she won't you don't have any control over it and she will be ripped off.

 

By signing off the deed and not the mortgage she is responsible financially for the home but does not own it. Does she not realize this?

[dgiirl]

You told her to see a lawyer. If she's not willing to do so, you cannot do much to control that. Is there a reason she fears seeing a lawyer? Atleast she should talk to a lawyer to see what is inside that prenup. Just to know her legal rights, even if she doesnt want to ask for anything.

[crazy_grl]

Is it possible that she thinks by bringing a lawyer in that something negative will happen to her (get deported or something)? I don't know but he may have somehow convinced her to be afraid of legal action. If that is the case, then what he told her was probably false.

 

I agree with you that she doesn't owe this man anything. Unfortunately, the culture she was raised in is probably causing her to see things differently and you'll likely have a hard time trying to convince her otherwise.

[norajane]

Old man is an ass, and your gf is being taken advantage of. She needs to see a lawyer NOW, and to stop talking with him.

 

Yes, she will be responsible for that mortgage, it will affect her credit rating, and if he defaults, the bank is going to come after HER.

 

She is entitled to something from their 5 years together, absolutely.

 

Is there anyone else in her life that she trusts and talks to? Perhaps if she also had a friend telling her to see a lawyer and that in this culture things are much different than in the Phillippines, she might start to see the light.

 

Failing that, look up divorce laws in her state, and print out the facts so she can read them in black and white. She has many more rights that she is entitled to than she is aware of.

[davistev]

Thanks for the replies folks. All of this has had an impact on our relationship because I see her hubby as a "user" and she see him as a close friend. She wants to invite him over to our apartment for dinner and I am not too keen on this idea. He seems to think she should be grateful for the "use" of a 16 year old car and what makes me more upset are his excuses for contacting her. In the last week alone:

 

1) Called her and told her come out NOW and pick up a basket of blackberries.

2) Dropped by and left phone charger on door knob of our apartment.

3) Endless phone calls regarding how she has hurt him and he needs to be treated as an equal (I never agreed to a threesome relationship here).

4) Texting all the time.

5) Asking to send some extra money to the Philippines so her sister can pass on some dollars to a new girlfriend(one of many). REASON - to save transaction fees as my gf sends money home on a regular basis.

6) Calling to ask that she drops by the house and give Grandma her pills. (GF also spent years as a in-home care nurse for his elderly mother.

7) He tells her he has to "think about" her request of if she can have one car.

8) He tells her to "not forget where she came from".

9) Slaps her on her ass as we leave him in my presence.

10) Insists that kisses and hugs are appropriate now.

12) Finally, he tells her "that she left him and she should not expect anything". When in reality it was by mutual agreement and he has since flown back to the Philippines on a mini sex-tour.

 

 

And so on . . . .. .

 

I am just tired of all this. I am trying to build a new relationship with my GF in the middle of all this and it is not easy to stay positive. I find myself not wanting to say anything as I get confused about why I feel upset. Hence my decision to join this forum.

 

Sorry to go on but I am at a loss . . . . .

[davistev]

It is absolutely none of your business. Keep your mouth shut.

 

Life isn't fair. Never was, never will be. Sorry for your friend, but it's her issue, not yours.

 

Respectfully, I disagree as this lady will be my wife and I do not want this man's mortgage liabilities on my shoulder. I love this lady very much and so I feel obligated to advise her to seek legal advice. To say nothing and to butt out in my opinion would be something a "friend" would not do. She is not educated and knowledgeable of the American way.

[RecordProducer]

I am sitting here in disbelief as I believe she is being used by a dirty old man who only wanted her for financial reasons.

Hahahah!

 

Actually she used him for the same reasons also. She is a sweet girl for appreciating what she got.

 

In any case, I think she should talk to a lawyer and get at least a car and some of the assets. They both used each other. He used her for sex and young company, she used him for the green card. But she shouldn't be thrown out in the street with nothing. She worked, she was with him, slept with him, probably cooked, and took care of the house - she deserves something.

 

First she should change her mindset about what belongs to him and what belongs to her. Then she should try and negotiate whatever agreement through a lawyer.

[RecordProducer]

Is it possible that she thinks by bringing a lawyer in that something negative will happen to her (get deported or something)? I don't know but he may have somehow convinced her to be afraid of legal action. If that is the case, then what he told her was probably false.

She has been married to him for 5 years and most likely has already a US citizenship. In any case, her green card status becomes unconditional after 2 years of marriage, which means she cannot be deported unless she commits a serious crime. If she has a citizenship, she cannot be deported under any circumstances.

 

I agree with you that she doesn't owe this man anything. Unfortunately, the culture she was raised in is probably causing her to see things differently and you'll likely have a hard time trying to convince her otherwise.

I too suspect this is the case.

[davistev]

She has been married to him for 5 years and most likely has already a US citizenship. In any case, her green card status becomes unconditional after 2 years of marriage, which means she cannot be deported unless she commits a serious crime. If she has a citizenship, she cannot be deported under any circumstances.

 

 

For the record - she was only 19 when she met this man in the Philippines and had no understanding of divorce, green card or citizenship. In her mind, she was to stay married forever. After many years of working 16 hour days and not seeing him, and after talking to some other co-workers, she learned more about what was appropriate in an American marriage and what was not. She decided that their marriage was finished when he told her that he was going to retire in the Philippines and she was to stay in America and work and transfer money to him.

[Craig]

Maybe your best bet would be to do a Google search under "immigrant abuse" and have a look at the various support services available for people in her circumstances. Seriously, this is not an uncommon problem and happens every single minute in this country. It's essential that you find someone that can help her, speaks her language and can get through to her to explain what has really been going on.

 

Additionally, the prenup may in fact be worthless and may be unenforceable. It's not as simple as signing a piece of paper and unless all the requirements for a valid and enforceable prenup are met it is as if it never existed. Get a copy of it and go see an attorney.

[RecordProducer]

For the record - she was only 19 when she met this man in the Philippines and had no understanding of divorce, green card or citizenship. In her mind, she was to stay married forever.

Ooooohhhh, how naive you are!

 

And why is she so grateful to him for bringing her in the US again?

[FredTravels]

Seems like this girl was a result of a "sex tour" as you say he is on another one for her sister. The guy wanted a young piece of ass and he got it. Hey, it happens all over the world. What did she want? A better life than she had in the Phillipines. And she got it. For 5 years.

 

Are you sure they have been married (legally) for 5 years? I thought that in the absence of children, you could be deported for marraiges lasting less than ten years.

 

She may be fearing that.

 

With that said, I think she is entitled to something more than a laptop out of the deal. If she can legally remain in the country, she needs to see an attorney. To be honest, 5 years does not really entitle her to much IMO. But depending on the state, she may be entitled to half of his assets. IF not, I woudl at least say she is entitled to the half equity in the acquired property, and a partial split of the bank and securities that might be held.

[Guest]

Are you sure they have been married (legally) for 5 years? I thought that in the absence of children, you could be deported for marraiges lasting less than ten years.

 

They CAN'T deport her for marrying an American for less than 10 years let alone the children. As long as she possesses the Green Card, no matter what happen to their marriage, she shouldn't be worry . You should sit her down and explain to her EVERYTHING about immigration laws, especially on the marriage. 5 years isn't enough time for her to fully understand her right in America as an legal permanent resident. She might believe everything he said and I think I understand what she is going through. It called guilt. They both know that each has their own benefits role playing in this marriage--no love involved. She married him to get to America and He married her...fill in the blank.

 

If you have no choice in whatsoever to convince her that she has rights, you both need to sit down and call the INS and ask them questions then let her hear it on her own. I hope that help

[SoleMate]

You're absolutely right in wanting her to get a better deal out of this divorce. However, there is only so much you can do to convince someone. At this point, I do think that deflecting her husband's debts should be the biggest aim. All you can do is keep talking to her.

 

What reason does she give for not wanting a lawyer? What if you set up a free consult, possibly with a Filipino heritage lawyer who could understand her motivations a bit better, and took her along with you?

[davistev]

You're absolutely right in wanting her to get a better deal out of this divorce. However, there is only so much you can do to convince someone. At this point, I do think that deflecting her husband's debts should be the biggest aim. All you can do is keep talking to her.

 

What reason does she give for not wanting a lawyer?

 

The reason she tells me is that she still is close friends with him and does not want to cause upset in his family.

[superconductor]

Respectfully, I disagree as this lady will be my wife and I do not want this man's mortgage liabilities on my shoulder. I love this lady very much and so I feel obligated to advise her to seek legal advice. To say nothing and to butt out in my opinion would be something a "friend" would not do. She is not educated and knowledgeable of the American way.

First off, please accept my apologies on my assumptions. I guess I didn't read the original post in enough detail, and must have skipped by the part about you and her being involved. My fault.

 

With that said, I have to concur with pretty much everyone else. There is only so much you can do to point her in the right direction about getting competent legal advice. Whether she chooses to avail herself of it or not isn't anything you - or anyone else - can control.

 

If you do end up marrying her, make sure your prenup states clearly that you are not responsible for any debts that she brings into the marriage.

[Gunny376]

Having been to the Phillippines, and been around the ladies of the Phillippines, having Bud's who married Phillippino's, you're in luck!

 

Give me a second, the Phillippines? Ahhhhhhhhh! Yes! The Phillippines!

 

First a little backgroud. In the Phillippines, the women outnumber the men something like 15 or 20 to 1? The reason? The Japanesse killed so many during WWII and the equiliberium still hasn't been regained. Secondly the Phillippines use to be a Spainish Colony, thus the strong Catholic Church influnence. Girls ~ women in the Phillippines per Asian culture and because of the outcome of WWII, are not valued. They're sold into servitude, prostitution, etc. They're considered a burden on the family. And, the sooner they're gotten rid of ~ the better. Also, girls are raised in the Phillippines that they're one and only purpose in life is to serve a man. That's it. There wants, their needs, their desires are all secondary. Inconsequential.

 

Poor? Brother, you don't know what poor is. My retirement from the Marines is around 2K a month. For that amount, in the Phillippines I can get a mansion, a cook, a maid, a butler, and if I had a wife that told them to do anything other than what my express wishes were ~ they wouldn't do it.

 

Compare to where she came from ~ you can bet she could care less about what he gets out of the marriage ~ she's damn grateful to be in the land of the "Big PX" America to her? She's done died and gone to Heaven.

 

I had a bud of mine in the Marines ~ who married a girl from Burma. He had meet her while he was on Emabssy Duty. Bob was a dog when it came to women ~ kind of like the XH you described. When his GF aka OW, got evicted out of her apartment, old Bob packed her up in his truck took her home to his wife and three children, and told the wife ~ this is my GF, she's moving in with us, and if you've got problems with that ~ you can move out!" This went on for two years, until his command Sergeant Major got wind of it ~ and put a stop to it!

 

I'm explaining al of this to you so you can understand where your GF is coming from. Its a different world from the one that you come from!

 

With that said, Yea! You need to get her together with a lawyer ~ to protect her and yourself. This azzhat ~ knows what he's doing. He knows the "game" She's clueless, and you've got to look out for her, her rights, and the two of you! You've got to look out for yours and her future.

 

And, yes! I've not even meet her, and I can tell you, you've got a great potential wife! Fillipino women are terrific. They don't ask for much of anything, are grateful for what you give them, do for them, give them. Most of them are devotely faithful, loving, caring, nuturing, giving, make terrific mothers, wives, and are deeply religious.

 

I personally like the Fillipino people. They're good people. You become friends with one ~ and you've made a friend for life. I've not been to the Phillippines in over 18 years, but I know I could go back today ~ and it would be as though I had never left. If I were to go back to Subic Bay today ~ it would be like I was a long lost son come home! I can say the same about the people of Okinawa, Japan. Just damn good people!

[Nicholas]

Who cares where she has been. She is here now.

 

Do not marry her.

[Mz. Pixie]

There are more issues here than what she's getting out of the divorce.

 

I suspect she cheated with you- and feels guilty for leaving him and is giving him everything.

 

Plus, he is taking advantage of her not being from the US- what a dog.

 

She needs a lawyer. And if you're going to marry her you need to lay down some ground rules with this guy and with her.

 

I can so see my exhusband slapping me on the ass in front of my new hubby! That wouldn't happen in 10 million years.

[Lor]

Why don't you try and convince her to talk to a lawyer and if she doesn't like what she hears, then the choice to do more is hers. You may want to see a lawyer familiar in her situation and understands her culture, who can make it clear to her.

 

Also, isn't it illegal to go on the sex tour? I thought I'd read they were cracking down on that kind of activity.

[Gunny376]

What happens in Manila ~ stays in Manila!

 

Subic Bay isn't but a sex tour.

 

You use to could (and probally still can) get a motel room for four days, get you two bar girls (they're not prostitutes ~ just regualr girls trying to hook up with an American) lay up drink, eat, feast like a king and not spend but about $20.

[norajane]

The reason she tells me is that she still is close friends with him and does not want to cause upset in his family.

 

I'm afraid this is going to sound manipulative...because it is...but...

 

If this is the woman that you're going to marry, explain to her that she would be causing YOU upset if she continues to have a relationship with this man. Explain to her that YOUR future together would be affected by her decisions right now, particularly if she neglects her financial welfare and takes on his debts...that YOU would be affected in the future if he were to default. Explain that as her intended husband, you believe it's important that she put YOU first, not him. Tell her that you love her for the kind, thoughtful, caring, and loving woman that she is, and indeed that you would never want to change a thing about her, but it hurts YOU that she would put him and his family before your relationship and your future together. Explain that you want to take care of her and make sure she gets the best of everything, which is why you would like to help her consult with an attorney on her divorce.

[Gunny376]

I'm afraid this is going to sound manipulative...because it is...but...

 

If this is the woman that you're going to marry, explain to her that she would be causing YOU upset if she continues to have a relationship with this man. Explain to her that YOUR future together would be affected by her decisions right now, particularly if she neglects her financial welfare and takes on his debts...that YOU would be affected in the future if he were to default. Explain that as her intended husband, you believe it's important that she put YOU first, not him. Tell her that you love her for the kind, thoughtful, caring, and loving woman that she is, and indeed that you would never want to change a thing about her, but it hurts YOU that she would put him and his family before your relationship and your future together. Explain that you want to take care of her and make sure she gets the best of everything, which is why you would like to help her consult with an attorney on her divorce.

 

Well put indeed! I liked that!