strongerthanthis Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 My boyfriend of 18 months broke up with me two nights ago over the phone. There has been no contact from either of us since. It's complicated; as it always seems to be. I am 24 and live at home with a loving, supportive and wonderful family. He is 28, owns his own inner city apartment and has been living independently for the past ten years. We have had vastly different upbringings, different levels of education, different experiences in terms of relationships, different challenges in our lives and different problems to overcome along the way. We both acknowledged these differences, and at the start they seemed irrelevant and he seemed to respect and admire me for my achievements. However, over time, this awesome relationship managed to unravel itself into a viscous cycle of fights in which I always was made to feel like the selfish, uncaring and ungrateful one. There are so many examples, that I wouldn't know where to begin. But in short, if I questioned him or his motives, ever asked him to tell me how he felt about me (mainly because I wasn't secure in it!) then he would turn and say that I always made him feel like he wasn't good enough... that nothing he could do would please me. He would always make me feel like I had done the wrong thing by him, which inevitably would result in me apologizing profusely, running to him and basically begging for him to stay with me... And in those moments when we made up, everything seemed perfect. He would cook me dinner, love me, cuddle me... tell me how he really didn't want to leave me; that he loved me and that it would be ok. And I believed him. Until the next time. And then it would happen over and over again. Every 3-4 weeks. Sometimes more frequently. This had been happening for the past 5 or so months. Each time I would be more distraught; he never seemed as emotionally upset, but it would affect my work, my study, my sleep... everything. My family have been witness to multiple upsets; I have been regularly sad and emotional at home - things they have never seen in me before. I used to be confident, successful and happy with myself... but it began to be that I needed his validation to feel good about myself. Anyway, they basically put a lot of pressure for me to leave him about three months ago... I stuck by him... dug in my heels... fought for the relationships... but along that road, had to deal with a lot of emotional heartache at home. I wasn't happy in general, and so my relationship with my boyfriend didn't improve either. I was torn between my family (who in my heart I knew thought they were doing the right thing)... and my boyfriend (who I still wanted to work things out with)... He offered for me to move in with him... to leave my family, move in and begin a life with him. He said he would support me financially whilst I finished studying; but a part of me just couldn't do it. I love my family and know they love me. And so basically he made me make that choice... he said all he wanted was to be with me... for me to stay over, to spend more time with him, to be happy... and they if I was committed to him then I would do it... he wanted a life with me.. but didn't want it like this. So things hit a head last Friday and he said he'd just had enough; he'd given me enough time and that was it. I was hurt... I have loved him, supported him, been there for him.. showed him in EVERY way except to desert my family that I wanted to be with him... Every ounce of me wants to ring him; but I feel that after all we've been through, he doesn't respect me anymore and that it would just be another step in self-destruction. My friends all say I deserve someone better than him... please tell me what you think.... Feeling a bit lost, and very hurt..
Chinook Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 I always was made to feel like the selfish, uncaring and ungrateful one. There are so many examples, that I wouldn't know where to begin. But in short, if I questioned him or his motives, ever asked him to tell me how he felt about me (mainly because I wasn't secure in it!) then he would turn and say that I always made him feel like he wasn't good enough... that nothing he could do would please me. He would always make me feel like I had done the wrong thing by him, which inevitably would result in me apologizing profusely, running to him and basically begging for him to stay with me... Sorry but this part of your post really stuck out. I'm reading a book at the moment on Emotional Unavailability. Your ex boyfriend seems to be displaying sure signs of it. You're never quite able to come up to scratch and so you end up not only not getting your needs met, but also shouldering all the responsibility for wanting them to be met! You go along fixing what is 'wrong' and time after time, the goal posts move and something else isn't right. Meanwhile all the time the person who isn't emotionally as involved, turns the tables and says they are the one who feels they're not good enough, you question every move. How do you fix a problem like that..? The short answer is, you can't. You didn't break it to start with, so you can't fix it. Breakups are hard and it takes a toll on not only the heart, but the confidence, self-esteem and trust for other people. What you have to be sure about is your role in the relationship. Did you truly do your best...? (and only you can answer that) If you did then you have nothing to be ashamed about or sorry for. In every relationship there is 50% responsibility and your 50% is what YOU are to ensure you take care of. If you didn't do that and things failed then you can look at why. But he has 50% responsibility too and if he didn't take care of that, then you can't fix his half of it to make it right. It simply doesn't work like that. For a relationship to work, both people have to want it to work and have to want it to work out - relationships are not easy. But they shouldn't also be continual fighting or battling for you to have your own needs met. Relationships are a balance of power between you both and when they work - that balance is fairly equal with the occasional shift either way. It seems to me that in this case, the power was all his. It was never going to work out if that's the case.
tearful_soul22 Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Heartbreak is really, really, painful and i know from experience that there are times when coping with a break up can feel so over whelming. It may sound trite to you right now, but time is a healer. You need the alone time right now to cope and perhaps to reconnect with at least some of the love you once felt for this person you've parted from..and not in a way that eats at you, but in a way that nourishes your sense of SELF. Be strong and take one step at a time. Take care of yourself and my best to you!
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