first run-in...kind of

[sick of it]

I havent posted in a long time. Things have been getting better. I thought i was past a lot of it. Yes i still had thoughts, but nothing horrible. I just got a new job paying me a lot. Im also the youngest in my area to hold the position so im very proud of myself and news has been traveling fast around my town and surrounding areas of the fact that I got the position. The point being that im moving on and doing well with myself.

Anyway, i went out to eat after a performance tonight with a few freinds. after some drinks my friends suddenly suggests that we leave. we get to the door of the restaurant and he tells me that my ex and her guy had walked in and that the guy is outside the restaurant right now. I got a knot in my stomach but kept completely cool. I stared the guy down (not ina creepy or mean way, but just a "i dont give a **** about you" way). i walked to my car and left. I never saw the ex.

Its been just over a year since we split after a 5.5 yr relationship. just under a year since ive seen her. and a few months since i spoke with her. though i didnt see her tonight, im still shaken up. i dont know why. i got pissed on my way home. hes outside smoking a butt with these punk looking guys and this girl thats dressed like a slut. i got so pissed that thats the life theyre leading. i dont know. im pissed....not nostalgic...not sad...just angry. which i guess is better than those other things...but i dont want any of it.

i have this great job now and am doing well and cant share it with her...maybe im pissed about that. that im doing everything i told her i wanted in life and shes doing things differently and i cant show her. im so angry and jittery and anxious.

[Brittjean06]

Than be proud of your job! don't let this encounter with your ex's new man to get in the way. Though I know clearly how you feel. Your heart drops you panic , you begin to get the sweats trying to keep your cool. Good job on keeping your cool And even after a year or maybe a little under it, your still not completely over it. And some wont be for a while which is normal. It takes alot of new things to come in too your life to really take those thoughts out of your head on the ex. What kind of life is she leading now? her loss than right

[johnnytable]

Good job man. You will get past this. You did the right thing to minimize your pain and agony. This has made you stronger I believe.

[sick of it]

im trying to think why i feel the way i feel. taking the time to analyze my feelings...again. i havent done it ina while, i havent had a need to. just a minor set back maybe.

of course i had weird dreams last night. about her, but i expected that. what i really want to find out is, why am i still angry?

nothing has changed. i didnt find something out last night, and even if i didnt it wouldnt matter.

i always knew that i would run into her eventually. technically i didnt last night but yknow what i mean. why wouldnt i stop and say hello. why cant i? i was thinking that its because theres someone else. if she had no one, i would call her. if she didnt live with this guy, i would talk to her. but she got with him so quickly...im still angry about that. and im angry that its lasted. im angry that for everything i felt, it was easy for her to move on to find someone else, to be happy. im angry that im not yet. that i still think about her and that theres no one i want to be with. that i look at this guy as being inferior to me....which sounds like an a-hole thing to say...but he is. crappy part time job, smoker, no education. why was that so appealing? i know theres more to someone than that obviously. but i have it.

if i have it...why dont i give it to someone...right? im the only one preventing it. i get so angry that i still compare. that i want to feel that way about someone else...but dont want to take the time to develope the feelings. i want what i had again.

didnt mean to talk like this...just typing as i think it.

[johnnytable]

All I can say is that I know how you feel.

 

However, don't feel bad or beat yourself up over not wanting to see her or talk to her. You handled things well and it is the smart and strong thing to do to protect yourself.

 

Getting over somebody does not mean that you get to the stage of wanting to see them. I have been broken up with an ex for 10 years and I still don't want to see her... I simply know better.

[Mollyanna]

there is nothing wrong with saying how you feel on here. So don't apologize. It is better you are telling us all of these feelings then calling her and saying any of it. And you shouldn't have to hold them inside to hurt you either.

dont want to take the time to develope the feelings. i want what i had again.

I have that feeling too and just never put it into words. Yes, that is how I feel. I want to be in love and over this. I want an instant fix. I don't want to meet people and weed through the losers and lies. I don't want to be disappointed when someone doesn't meet my expectations of passion.

 

I think all these feelings are perfectly normal. I don't know how to make it any better for you, other than to just tell you that you are not alone. Sorry if that isn't much help.

[KittenMoon]

SOI-

 

Been wonderin where you got yourself. You did good man- that "first time" seeing the ex again after you've really accepted its done... well it's just another step isn't it? Hope you continue to move forward. If you ex wants the "bad boy" thing let her have it... she'll see how it turns out.

[Ariadne]

Hi,

 

I dont know. im pissed....not nostalgic...not sad...just angry.

 

Yeah, I can imagine. Seeing the ex's new bf must have been quite the shocker.

 

I get pissed too sometimes, you know, that you want to be with them so bad and they are with Mr. Wonderful.

 

Sigh... good job with the new position,

 

Ariadne

[sick of it]

so i guess things happen in 3's. As i said above, the other day, i kind of had a run in. today she leaves a voicemail...i havent talked to her in about 3-4 months. So i call back. we have a pleasant conversation and i agree to meet with her for breakfast on Thursday.

 

<crowd> WHAT?! WHY?! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

I realized something when I was on the phone with her. I didnt care. I got nervous when i heard her voice on my voicemail. but it was shock. I had no feelings on the phone with her. I didnt care. Im in a wedding party with her next summer and we're going to be hanging out between now and then for wedding purposes anyway...so it was inevitable. however i figured if things happen in 3's, i would control one of them.

[johnnytable]

so i guess things happen in 3's. As i said above, the other day, i kind of had a run in. today she leaves a voicemail...i havent talked to her in about 3-4 months. So i call back. we have a pleasant conversation and i agree to meet with her for breakfast on Thursday.

 

Woah hold on there!

 

I'm not saying not to go, but why are you going? I'm just curious as to your reason. Is this to clear the air since you are going to be running into her for the wedding party stuff?

 

I'm just giving words of caution. For example yesterday I was feeling great and like I was over everything, and then today it came back. You have come a long way.

[sick of it]

Its inevitable that I will be seeing her a decent amount in the next year. So I have to do this at some point. Why not do it now. I dont have a problem with her anymore...as Ive realized when talking to her. Him yes, the situation yes....but you know what, the conversation was friendly and I felt much different than I had ever felt before. If I never had to see her again, I probably wouldnt do this. But I have to, so I have to.

Maybe Ill be back crying...maybe I wont...I wont know until I do it. But I truly dont feel like this effects me as much as it use to. So I have to take the step forward and try. I thank you for the concern though. We so often need someone to second guess our reasonings