Last Mohegan Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I have been reading a lot lately on how important it is to be completely honest when working on restoring a marriage after infidelity. One of the things I read today is about how terrified the WS is of disclosing everything for fear it will be the last straw for the BS and they will abandon the WS. The book I'm reading is very good in that it points out that the typical excuses for not disclosing betrayals in the past are really just efforts of self protection on the WS's part. Things like, "the truth would just kill them" or "they'd leave for sure if they knew about X, Y or Z". The point in the book is that they must be honest in order for both parties to sufficiently grieve and move forward on equal footing. My question is this and I've asked it of myself as well. If this disclosure from the WS makes you realize that the betrayals are far more than you ever imagined, what do you do? How do you move forward? When I ask myself the same question, I sit there and think, well, it takes a lot of courage to disclose everything and it is respect for me to do so. On the other hand, repetative betrayals that I knew absolutely nothing about means I've been consistently living with a stranger of sorts. It seems not disclosing and cutting your losses is the easier way, however, complete healing may not occur and the risk of further infidelity is a very real threat. I truly am interested in opinions on this because I do believe people can heal from this hell...everyone in the triangle can heal. The more I read, the more I believe that when we are brave enough to expose what's really in our hearts, we have the greatest chance of not repeating horrific mistakes. Thoughts?
silktricks Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Wow, those are some deep ones. I personally believe in a bit of a middle ground. Complete honesty is hard not only because of fear, but also because of the fact that memory is a bit at a time retrieval system. So, say I had betrayed my husband, confessed, he forgave me and we went on. Then 6 months later I remember something else that we hadn't talked about. Do I rake it back up and discuss that? At times, and for some things, I think the answer should be yes. But for the most part I think no. Everything that I told him already was everything I remembered. I wasn't lying, I just hadn't remembered. Memory being what it is, if everytime you think of something else you bring it up, the scars may never have a chance to heal. (By the way, I didn't cheat, this is a for instance). OK, so that's one situation. The other situation is asking forgiveness for indiscretion #1, but knowing that the other party doesn't know about indiscretions #2-5. That is a different kettle of fish. For that, I believe that you really do need to confess all, and give your partner a choice of continuing or leaving. You made the choice to stray, it is not fair, not right, not humane, to continue living with your partner when they don't know the whole truth. For the WS, they may not be able to go on, or they may choose to go on, but need to process the separate incidents separately (consecutively) rather than simulataneously. In other words, the forgiveness process (if there is forgiveness) may go on much longer and far more painfully for all concerned. Either way, it sucks.
Blind Illusion Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I'm a middle grounder, also, probably leaning towards the idea of more honesty than sins of omission. What happens to the trust-rebuiding proccess if the WS answers in the negative about whether there was anyone else and it comes out later, that there was. I think you probably go back to the very beginning of the rebuilding, only even further back because you lied again. However, I don't think one needs to be completely open about every single fleeting feeling one may have. There isn't any purpose to be served by uttering how the affair partner made you feel more alive sexually than anyone ever did before. Even if you momentarily felt it.
Author Last Mohegan Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 I agree regarding every little feeling or things you remember about something six months down the road~~that's achin to picking a healing scab and serves no purpose whatsoever. What I'm referring to is the number of infidelities or outright betrayals that the BS may have no idea about. Or it could be any other betrayal, not just additional infidelities. But, the point being that through the WS's "honesty" the BS comes to realize that the state of what is already bad is far worse than they originally thought. I know for me, working on a relationship where I've been betrayed and then thinking, okay, I can try to deal with this, we'll work together...then finding out the campfire is truly a raging forest inferno, I would be shattered to say the least and appalled so many betrayals had occurred with me standing right next to them. For example if a 911 operator told you that a room in your house had burned but that was the extent of the damage but then when you arrive on the scene you find the entire home in ashes. Maybe a bad analogy but I can't think of another one. It seems the risk in complete honesty for the WS is realizing that the BS could indeed leave them if they knew the whole truth. But then you have to weigh that against knowing disclosing the whole truth could ultimately bring healing. Its a risk either way if you really believe honesty is the only path to restoration~~from what I've read, if the honesty isn't there, the betrayal will be repeated. anymore thoughts?
silktricks Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 What I'm referring to is the number of infidelities or outright betrayals that the BS may have no idea about. Or it could be any other betrayal, not just additional infidelities. But, the point being that through the WS's "honesty" the BS comes to realize that the state of what is already bad is far worse than they originally thought. {snip} It seems the risk in complete honesty for the WS is realizing that the BS could indeed leave them if they knew the whole truth. But then you have to weigh that against knowing disclosing the whole truth could ultimately bring healing. Its a risk either way if you really believe honesty is the only path to restoration~~from what I've read, if the honesty isn't there, the betrayal will be repeated. anymore thoughts? OK - honesty has risks - that's why it's so d*mn difficult!! But, if the WS truly wants to fix things up, I do believe honesty is the best policy. However, I do not believe that if the WS simply cannot bear to divulge all that it necessarily means the betrayal will be repeated. In large part, I believe that it depends upon the "lessons learned" by the indiscretions. Some people will cheat once, never be caught, never tell their spouse, and never do it again. They learned their lesson from their own pain around what they did, and their disappointment in themselves.
jonesgirly Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 I would think that the level of honesty is directly related to the commitment of each party to repair or improve the marriage. Now, if you're talking serial-cheater taxicab confessions here, I would think that anything past 15 can be summarized into the following statement: "I've had an affair with a different person every three months since we've been married. Also during the period we were dating. Names and faces? Nobody you know, and so unimportant to me that I honestly cannot remember their names. The point is, I've got a serious problem, and want it to stop. I used/did not use protection, and want both of us to be tested for std's. I will understand if you decide that I am too risky for you to ever trust again, but HOPE that you would want to. I love you enough to tell you the truth, and want to spend the rest of my life with only you." The spouse would then have ten million questions, which the betrayor should answer patiently and thoroughly, thus showing their sincere remorse and freely given honesty. It also demonstrates respect for the hurt spouse, and may, at some time, allow their spouse to forgive and/or rebuild. There would be a discussion of boundaries, and an agreement to total 'transparancy' that the WS would freely agree to. This would hinder any future 'adventures.' It all depends on the motivation behind it. Personally, I could admire my WH a LOT more if he HAD 'come clean' with me. I've told him often that I would rather hear that they had sex every day at lunch, than the standard "we're just friends!" (when it was apparent that they were NOT). I think it would've made me feel respected, which is important when you've been DISrespected on such a basic gut level that you cannot think about anything other than the fact that your spouse was with 'someone else'. And some WS's indicate that they withhold information in order to do "damage control." That is another word for "I am a chicken sh*t, and want to cover up as much as possible." Again, its all in the motivation behind BOTH parties.
norajane Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 One of my friends is a guy who has cheated on his wife since the start of their marriage. He travels a lot for work, and often had little one nighters with various women he met along the way. As far as he's told me, he has never had a longer affair with one woman in particular. He says he doesn't do the one nighters anymore...much. He and his wife have been in marriage counseling for years. He has never brought up the cheating during counseling. I guess they have other issues, some revolving around his workaholic/traveling stuff, and some revolve around her refusal to have a baby with him...b/c of the working/traveling. She doesn' want to feel like a single mom with him away all the time, and their marriage hasn't necessarily been all roses. I really don't know the extent of their issues. I've been telling him from day 1 that he needs to be honest in MC about the cheating, and he doesn't see why he should since those things are meaningless (to him), and he doesn't see them as being relevant to the marriage. Years later, they're still in MC, and nothing has changed about either his working, their lack of children, or the health of their marriage. I think you have to spill all the beans, or there's no way to really get to the heart of your issues. If he could figure out why he feels compelled to screw around with pretty ladies even though he loves his gorgeous, wonderful wife, maybe they'd have a chance of really being together. Holding on to some lies, means maintaining a distance from your spouse which inhibits true intimacy.
Author Last Mohegan Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 Years later, they're still in MC, and nothing has changed about either his working, their lack of children, or the health of their marriage. I think you have to spill all the beans, or there's no way to really get to the heart of your issues. If he could figure out why he feels compelled to screw around with pretty ladies even though he loves his gorgeous, wonderful wife, maybe they'd have a chance of really being together. Holding on to some lies, means maintaining a distance from your spouse which inhibits true intimacy. That's what I'm reading also...that the reason for full disclosure is that any secret impedes intimacy. At the same time, the WS may be dealing with huge abandonment issues and fear full disclosure would be the final straw. The spouse would then have ten million questions, which the betrayor should answer patiently and thoroughly, thus showing their sincere remorse and freely given honesty. It also demonstrates respect for the hurt spouse, and may, at some time, allow their spouse to forgive and/or rebuild. And some WS's indicate that they withhold information in order to do "damage control." That is another word for "I am a chicken sh*t, and want to cover up as much as possible." Again, its all in the motivation behind BOTH parties. I agree that it shows courage and respect for the BS. It seems like the three big hurdles are a) fear of being left after BS hears how really bad it is; b) not believing transparancy is crucial to intimacy or c) if the reason for wanting to stay in the marriage has more to do with children, finances, status, etc. than rebuilding the relationship with BS. I also think the "damage control" excuse is just that... its another level of selfishness and self protection. Another thing that it seems the WS wouldn't be able to heal from if full disclosure doesn't occur is shame. I think shame over secrets keeps people locked in one place. I know it does for me. Shame is every bit as powerful as fear IMO. The deception is that things will be worse if disclosure happens...I guess sometimes they are but irregardless of the outcome of the relationship, at least the WS and the BS are totally "free" of the shame when they are dealing with the truth.
Recommended Posts