dr strangelove Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Its been a long while since I broke up with my ex. Life seemed to be better before doing so. When I realized she was gone for good I fell into a deep depression. I shut my bussiness down. I gained weight. I became very reclusive. I had a string of bad luck.. that has added to the depression. Ive tried to climb my way out of this mess. It always seem to centre on me doing things. Thats alot of weight to shoulder alone. Ive helped others out, that seems to have backfired on me.... Theres one person I really helped out.. well I leant my ex money and rescued her many times.. now where is she? As well I helped out someone that has way more money then me.. Im now faced with perhaps suing them to get it back. I cant believe they have double crossed me knowing everything that I have been through. I think about ending it alot.. The other day I thought about stepping out into traffic. Then I was thinking no I need something painless. I been considering counselling but, Im not the one making me feel this way. I got my bussiness up and running again.. but lately sales have dropped off and that really terrifies me as I cant really look to anyone for a loan.. as well why should I? I just feel like freaking out on this person I leant money too.. like really freaking out.. just letting them know everything even that Ive considered ending it how they make me feel like doing that.. how they never supported my choice when I met my ex. Very few friends actually seemed to encourage that relationship.. it kills me that it seemed everything was going against us. The loneliness I feel not having her around.. Yesterday when i was shopping I felt so lost.. Then as I walked down the aisles, I stopped at one section. I dont remember which one.. oh I was looking at satay sauce and plum sauce I felt this sensation in my hand like someone was holding it.... It felt like the way she held it..I thought about her. Ive gone to a few people for some guidance, one said I could have her back but why would I want that? As well as fixing everything in my life that was up to me. I dont really know how... Before I met my ex, I lost my life savings in a robbery. I had all these bills to pay. Im not one to pay people late. I can say that its a very humbling experience, I was very scared everyday not knowing if my bills would get paid or not. I somehow found myself being very optimistic and not as hard on myself, as well as working harder. I dont really know what came over me at this time, I keep trying to figure out how to get into this mind state again. I giess I thought that would be the worst life throws at me. I was really grateful everyday and I tried to give back as much as I could. I ended up making triple what I lost. And I had my ex, I thought she was a real blessing I never told her that. Im thinking that she has said some things to me since we broke up, one was about not trying hard enough, another about feeling sorry for myself something about giving up. I dont really know what she thinks or what to think its easy to criticize from the sidelines. I just remember that I use to see everything head on, I wouldnt curl up into a ball everytime I had a problem... unlike what I do now. I didnt let things get me down, now I do. I guess I just didnt expect to have such bad luck. I just feel like theres no patch of sunshine in all my struggles. I had to pause while writing this, my lawyer/friend/customer phoned wanting to know what I plan to do about this debt problem. Im not really sure , I feel like I should be so afraid of asking for my money back. Other times I just want to go fetal and have someone else deal with it. I should be afraid of anything.. I guess ive lost my mojo. My best sales month was fueled by my anger towards everything and everyone. Maybe behind every hero is a scared little boy?
Guest Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 hope is the last thing to die so get on with your life - focus on being happy, no matter how hard it might seem happiness comes and goes its ups and downs - life isnt a smooth ride for anyone but thats what makes it special
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