burned by the rebound - i didn'

[DKNY]

This is my first post (so be gentle!) -

 

UUUGH - I am yet another person that thought they could avoid the rebound. But like CLOCKWORK, one week after my bf's divorce (we dated 5 months prior to the divorce being final), boom, he was out of there. [fyi - i did not meet him until the divorce papers were filed]

 

I started reading posts on this site when I began dating a man who was in the process of getting divorced - since I was afraid of being the "rebound" relationship. We'd been dating for 5 months when the divorce became final. Up until that point things had been really great. Literally, as soon as the ink was dry, he was off on a guys weekend over the fourth of july - didn't tell me about it until the thursday before and I had thought we would be hiking or doing something like we have normally done on weekends. I talked to him and basically let him know that i was upset more about the late notice, but that I was actually happy that he was able to do something that he enjoyed. He didn't call me over the whole weekend. Then he started saying the "I just need to be a friend to a woman", "I can't be responsible to anyone". Totally all reasonable but I have realized the crappy thing about being in my position is that you just merrily go along and never see the bus that's about to hit you - even though everything you read SAYS the bus is going to mow you down, you just think you can avoid it. Basically he broke up with me but never actually said it in that manner. So I said to myself, I will try to just take it easy, be friends, see what happens. Well, a month later, after a few phone calls and him being gone on excursions every weekend (diving), I realize that he is just avoiding me, although he says he misses me. He is also going diving again for like the 6th weekend in a row mid-August- on my 40th birthday! Have not seen him since June 30th. That's when i did the NC initiation - over the phone on Weds. It took him by surprise, although i did it in a very nice and gracious manner (thought about it for 24+ hours so it wasn't an impulsive reaction) and he was very hurt - as if I broke up with him? I just couldn't go on week after week with the continuous feeling that the relationship dissolved without a clear break and it became not even something I would want as a friendship. I have never been more miserable than in the past month and just couldn't take it any more.

 

Has anyone ever successfully maneuvered the classic rebound relationship? I.e. dated someone just divorcing/divorced and actually had it work? I would be curious under what, if any circumstances it does work?

 

This one seems like a no-brainer, I need to absolutely steer clear. But you can't just turn off feelings. I've also seen a lot of posts saying that NC if you might actually want a reconciliation is "playing games". For me it's feels like self-protection, and kind of taking a stand for what I need. But it's HARD.

 

debbie

[Returning]

Hey Debbie,

 

They say life beins at 40, I guess it's kinda true although the good times didn't kick in till I was 42 in June. The way I see it if a person wants to be with you, they are. I don't know what the guy was doing or what he's at but one things for sure, he isn't the key to your happiness, you are. The only advice I could offer is to chalk it down to experience, learn the lesson and stick stedfast to the NC. Don't get caught up in no booty calls as it may make you feel worse.

 

It may take your emotions a little time to catch up with your logical decision to steer clear so do a few nice things for you, treat yourself and you'll come through the other side being a better person and a magnificant woman, you were too good for him.

 

I hope all goes well and you have a great birthday

tc Returning

 

PS. this thread is good for the rules of NC

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=56954

[DKNY]

I definitely like being the age i am! Although it sounds strange I would NEVER go back to my 20s when I was just so not sure of who I was.

 

Yeah, it's been 4 days of NC and I can't get this person out of my mind. I have read all of the other posts and have leveraged the heck out of my mother and friends. They all suggest the same thing... get involved with something I like to do. and i am here in vermont which has so much to offer.

 

I'm just pretty hurt. One thing I didn't mention in my first post was that I probably stupidly, lent this guy a fair amount of money to finalize his divorce. Since it was only a week later that he just was gone, I don't honestly think that he took advantage of me but the thoughts have crossed my mind and that adds a double whammy. I went down the path also of building a new house and up until the point of when I signed the papers, he was there with me and seeming to want to do it with me (he actually kind of led me down the path) and then he was kind of like thinking that if he helped me with the house but we were just friends that it would negate out the loan. I travel all of the time and definitely needed the help but in the end, if i screw it up on my own, it's still better than the emotional havok of having someone involved that I thought I might actually live with. It was as crazy as having his name (not mine even though i was financing it) on the architects plans. and then he vanished.

 

very sad.

 

but thanks again for the words, i will definitely be not contacting him. although i feel that he will at some point contact me and i am not sure how to react.

 

Debbie

[rickenbacker]

DKNY, recently I went through something very similar and it has been unbelievably painful so I really can relate to what you're going through. In my case, when she finally left her husband, I was shown the door and she never looked back. The person I knew now acts as though she doesn't even know me despite us knowing one another for over 3 years, and she immediately hooked up with someone else - to the point of being blinded by her obsession with this new person. The story of the situation is in my post at the end of this thread:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94341/

 

I'm sorry you're dealing with this, it is definitely one of the most painful things a person can endure.

 

rickenbacker

[rickenbacker]

DKNY, to add to my previous post, further evidence of how this person I knew for over 3 yrs vanished and decided she no longer wanted to know me, is that I saw her car at the gym today and she and this new guy got in, and it was as if she never even knew me. In times past, we had worked out together and were pretty steady gym partners. Even in Feb of this year, we were doing so, before everything went down the tubes.

 

Much the same as your situation, it was a vanishing act on her part. In my case, the "180" was explained in one angry email (which I know you didn't even get from him) but how these people can do a total about-face when up to this point things had been very good, mystifies me. I don't think they understand the damage it does to the people they were involved with. Sad as it is, we're left dealing with the damage and figuring out how to move past it.

 

rickenbacker

[DKNY]

I think there is something about actually finalizing a divorce that somehow changes things. I have letters that say "I could never have gotten through this without you, you have been such a positive force in my world, i love you" and then IMMEDIATELY after the divorce it's all changed. god, I am never going to be involved with someone who hasn't been divorced for well over a year. It feels likes it is literally an unterminable loop in my head and I would do anything to just be able to think about something else. it does make you wonder why, if everyone seems to want the same thing, intimacy, "their biggest fan", the love of their life, WHY it just doesn't seem to ever work. weird.

 

debbie

[DKNY]

people can be strange. and then i think about all of the really sick stories about like the minister's wife killing her husband and I realize that there are a lot of people with a lot of severe problems and none of them are really visible on the surface. so you just have to have confidence in who you are and not bring everything upon yourself when people don't act in a respectful way.

 

dk

[norajane]

Have your lawyer send him a bill for the money you lent him.

[DKNY]

is that I so wanted to help him out that I promised him that if things didn't work out i wouldn't come demanding that he pay me back. I didn't think that money was a good way to guarantee a relationship and I was trying to avoid that dynamic. but i cared about him immensely and i was so hurt by what he was going through. It was $8,500 UUUUUUUUGH. which is a lot of money. but i am so meticulous to my word that unless he actually does it on his own accord, i can't (and I wish i could) go back on my word and demand it back. i told him that he was responsible for figuring out how to pay me back. i am like the stupidest person out there, I know.

[destination_unknown]

Man, that's a lot of money! If someone owed me that much and were flitting off on adventure sporting weekends I would be maaaad! Maybe its not so much for some people but that amount could literally change my whole life! I never like to owe someone money and would go hungry to pay someone back - I think he sucks if he doesnt make an effort to return at least some of what you lent him. Esp because he knows you will be needing to get things done with the new house. Ugh.

[DKNY]

Yeah, he's been on several dive trips to cape cod, a week plus in bermuda and now he's in maine for four days on a diving trip. I am trying to chalk it up to you live and you learn but i didn't want to build a house alone and for the entire multi-month process the builders thought we were a couple building a house together and the week that i had to sign, he was gone and i can't back out of something like that so i just continued but now i am worried about the cost and having to pay for an expensive new house. it's just HORRIBLE. i would have been happy where i was but he kind of pushed me into it and i got sucked in. my vision was to move from NYC (where i lived for 10 years) to back to my home in vermont and find a relationship and then build. which is what i thought i was doing. now i have to handle a stressful job, selling my place, and also building a new house totally alone. it's a definite shock to my system. hopefully pain is an avenue to growth.

 

debbie

[norajane]

is that I so wanted to help him out that I promised him that if things didn't work out i wouldn't come demanding that he pay me back. I didn't think that money was a good way to guarantee a relationship and I was trying to avoid that dynamic. but i cared about him immensely and i was so hurt by what he was going through. It was $8,500 UUUUUUUUGH. which is a lot of money. but i am so meticulous to my word that unless he actually does it on his own accord, i can't (and I wish i could) go back on my word and demand it back. i told him that he was responsible for figuring out how to pay me back. i am like the stupidest person out there, I know.

 

So what if that's what you said before? You have every right to change your mind. Send him a bill.

[destination_unknown]

I think Nora might be on to something there. It would be different if the guy really didn't have the money. But why should you struggle when he is off in Bermuda?? Your money could have PAID for Bermuda!! I'm mad for you.

 

If you feel that letting the money issue go is what is right for you then thats what you must do, but only let it go if it is for your own peace of mind, not because you think it would be being a bitch to get it back. It definitely wouldn't be being a bitch.

[norajane]

I think Nora might be on to something there. It would be different if the guy really didn't have the money. But why should you struggle when he is off in Bermuda?? Your money could have PAID for Bermuda!! I'm mad for you.

 

If you feel that letting the money issue go is what is right for you then thats what you must do, but only let it go if it is for your own peace of mind, not because you think it would be being a bitch to get it back. It definitely wouldn't be being a bitch.

 

Even if it IS being a bitch (which it most definitely is NOT!!), you have an expensive new home you need to pay for, and it's probably costing you a lot more than you expected. It's certainly making you worry about money. You have every right to get that money back that you lent him.

[rickenbacker]

I think there is something about actually finalizing a divorce that somehow changes things. I have letters that say "I could never have gotten through this without you, you have been such a positive force in my world, i love you" and then IMMEDIATELY after the divorce it's all changed. god, I am never going to be involved with someone who hasn't been divorced for well over a year. It feels likes it is literally an unterminable loop in my head and I would do anything to just be able to think about something else. it does make you wonder why, if everyone seems to want the same thing, intimacy, "their biggest fan", the love of their life, WHY it just doesn't seem to ever work. weird.

 

debbie

 

 

You really hit the nail on the head with what you said here. I had no idea this was coming when she got her divorce, and to think, 3 YEARS down the drain and she's off galavanting around with someone else - or in your case, he's off enjoying his newfound "status". Sad, any way you cut it - especially sad how he sent you those emails which are now meaningless. I know exactly what you mean by having the unterminable loop in your head - for me, it's been 4 months and I still think about it constantly. And to think, 4 days - 4 DAYS - before she sent me the nasty email, we were sharing ice cream at a Baskin Robbins nearby. And now, "I can't talk to you because I don't want to lie to the new man I'm seeing". Yet, it was okay to deceive me when she met this other guy. Some people are just beyond explanation. In your case, just try to realize what a weak person he was - his behavior was unacceptable.

[DKNY]

it's one of those things where you HOPE that the person will do the right thing. i am going to wait and see if he does offer. if not, then based on some of the opinions here, i probably will seek to get some of the money back. i am hopeful though that he will understand that he needs to pay me back.

 

but again, the emotional turmoil kind of trumps any kind of monetary concerns. painful.

 

debbie

[DKNY]

I am going to try to get a laugh out of you. although it sucks sometimes. there are good things in life and one of them is a darn good ice cream cone. so put aside those memories and just think about the small pleasures in life and the people that are important to you and you can count on. and i am sure you have some of them. people can do the most screwed up things to each other but as long as YOU feel that you treat someone well, that's all that counts. at least that's how i am trying to think about it.

 

debbie

[London Girl]

My ex who is also a divorcee dumped me in January 2006 after we dated for 2 years. He asked me out seven months after his wife left him. He told me he loved me, that I am his perfect girl, talked about a future with me, told me that he loved me more than his ex-wife, could not believe his luck when he found me BUT yet he still dumped me! However, we have been on and off as FWB since January until last week. I am still hurt and devasted that we have broken up but life has to go on and I cannot waste my time with someone waiting for them to see if they come to their senses!

 

I came to the conclusion that my ex simply became abit of a commitment phobic, his reasons for ending it with me was petty excuses and did not make any sense whatsoever. I think he was looking for this "perfect girl" which we all know no one is perfect! I think my ex's pride was damaged too as his ex-wife is getting married again so soon after their divorced. Men especially cannot take rejection!

 

I now have to be strong and go no contact on him. He called me yesterday and left me a message on my cell phone but I did not respond.

 

If I can do it, so can you. You get to a stage when you think enough is enough. I've been so emotionally drained since January wondering whether he will come round and the fact that he given me mixed signals. It's time for me to move on and that's what I think you should do. Divorcees has too much baggage and you cannot wait around - life is too short! It will be their loss at the end of the day for not realising how great we are!

[dancehead]

Puts me off dating any seperated or divorcees. Where are all the unmarried people at 33?

[scrybe74]

I think there is something about actually finalizing a divorce that somehow changes things. I have letters that say "I could never have gotten through this without you, you have been such a positive force in my world, i love you" and then IMMEDIATELY after the divorce it's all changed. god, I am never going to be involved with someone who hasn't been divorced for well over a year. It feels likes it is literally an unterminable loop in my head and I would do anything to just be able to think about something else. it does make you wonder why, if everyone seems to want the same thing, intimacy, "their biggest fan", the love of their life, WHY it just doesn't seem to ever work. weird.

 

debbie

 

I am loathe to admit that I was one of those people who dated shortly after my separation from my wife. My friends kept telling me to wait at least a year before dating, etc....WTF???? I was free!

 

For 2 years I bounced from girl to girl. Relationships never lasting more than 2 months. I broke many a heart and vanished many times. It took me several more years after that to realize the mistakes I made and the people I hurt. If I could ever find them again I would tell them how sorry I was.

 

I didn't even realize what I was doing. I guess I was just using them emotionally and physically to get by during a tough time in my life. My self esteem was so low that I think i needed to prove to myself time and time again that I was desirable, etc.

 

So looking back...I've changed my mind. I'm going through a bad patch in my current relationship and we are going through a 'trial' separation to see how things go. I'm going to counseling and so is she to figure out if we still have a future together. One thing I've decide though.....if our relationship does end I won't be getting involved with anyone else for a long time. I realize now that I'll need time to heal and deal with the problems that existed in my failed relationship and not take anyone else down with me during that time.

 

Good luck to you and you are doing the right thing....

[DKNY]

London Girl - I think there needs to be a hard and fast rule (sorry for anyone looking to date right after their divorce :-)) that you DO NOT DATE SOMEONE GOING THROUGH A DIVORCE!!!!!! I thought it would be different you know, "it won't happen to me, this is different". but it's a GIVEN!!! it's going to be screwed up.

 

Skrybe74 - You sound exactly like the guy! He has extremely low self-esteem at this moment and has repeatedly said that he doesn't want to "pollute" my life with all of his baggage and "he doesn't deserve me", blah blah blah. We have talked, and so I have broken the no contact rule but I think I need to have him completely handle the building of my new house. i just want nothing to do with it and want it to just go away. he offered way back when to do it and I couldn't do it with him and now I think I will just have him do it alone and then try to sell the house and not even move in.

 

after my previous posts, he has gone on vacation after vacation - haven't seen him for 7 weeks. I finally did say something about how it caused me to think "hey, I would like to be able to afford 8 vacations" and he kind of took offense and questioned as to whether I thought he was a con man. The fact that those kinds of things are even coming up in a conversation is really scary to me and causes me to completely question my decision-making and judgement.

 

anyways, thanks for the comments.

 

debbie