bantambelle Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hello Being new to site I have spent quite a bit of time reading various posts and have finally plucked up the courage to post. Here's my tale of woe! On 12th July my husband and i had a row that was over nothing but went into a mountain we did not speak for 2 weeks, in all the 14 years of our realationship, we have never been like this, we were both very stubbon. on 24th July my husband rang me at work and asked me to meet him in a park, I went and he went on to tell me that he did not love me any more and he had been feeling like this for a long time, I was dumbfounded, I asked him what he wanted to do and he went on to tell me he had moved all his stuff out that day, I was gutted, I did not cry or plead just asked him for his key even though our house is in joint names and I walked off. As soon as I got in my car I cried my eyes out. that night was very emotional and I could not believe what had happened, I contacted him 2 days later by e-mail as I have never dealt with any finances he did it all and I didnt even know who our gas provider was. he was very to the point but said he would carry on paying all the bills from our joint account. that same weekend some hurtful texts were sent by me as he was refusing to meet with me and I had a lot of questions. last sunday I managed to get him to answer my requst and arranged to meet him for a drink to discuss things on the monday of this week, it started off very civil and i bit the bullet and said do you truely and honestly want to end this marriage and not give it a chance, he thought for a bit and he said your right we will go Friday(last night) I never had no contact with him untill yesterday afternoon when he text me to arrange to meet. I met him and it was going alright till he mentioned something about that couples split up every second of everyday, so i said so what about us, he said I am sorry its over, I walked out of the pub and me being drunk he would not leave me so he walked me home I cried all the way, I asked him to come in and he refused, we ended up argueing very badly, he just walked off in the end,i have not been to bed I cant stop crying, I am more devasted then the 1st night, I am hurting so much, right now I can not see a way forward, I feel like my life is over. How do I copeHow do I resist the temptation to contact himhow do i pick myself up from thisHe only reason he said for leaving me is that we do different things. He came round this dinnertime and wanted his golf clubs, he just apoligised and went.
JamesM Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 After 14 years, and this is how it ends? Have you been spending alot of time together or has he been "working alot of overtime?" Do you have children? No affairs that you know for either? I would suggest that you reexamine this marriage as closely as possible. He has had total control over finances? Do you know how much money the two of you have? Do you work outside of the home? How much does he make? As hard as this is to bear, could he have a girlfriend? My fear for you is that he has prepared for this and has been planning for a divorce. If that is the case, you may want to get as much information as you can about your financials, his life, etc. before he gives you papers to sign. I feel alot of sorrow for you...truly.
Author bantambelle Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 Hi James I can truely honstly say there is no one else, he never does overtime, he goes to the pub with his mates on a saturday and sunday in the afternoon and is always home by 9ish. I see his mobile phone bill as its e-mailed to my works address. We dont have any children together I have a daughter who he has brought up since she was 2, she is devasted as he hasn't even contacted her. i dont know how much money we have, I do not even know how much our house is worth, we have account of our own and every month I have a direct debit that goes to the joint account to pay bills thats all i know. Me knowing him, tells me that he diffently planned this, cause he is the type of person who once makes his mind up on things does not go back.
Guest Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Dear Bantambelle, Your post just about broke my heart because I have been in your shoes, and I know the pain you are feeling right now. My husband left me after 25 years of marriage, after our youngest son turned 18. No warning, no signs that I "should have" picked up on--just one day, he came home, told me he didn't love me anymore, didn't want to be married anymore, and packed his things and left. Four months later, I was a single woman again, completely and utterly lost. But I have to tell you this, and I know you might not believe it now but I am telling you the God's honest truth: the pain you are feeling now really will diminish, and one day you'll wake up and it will be gone. One of the things that you can do to help yourself out of the pain-induced coma that you're in is to see a lawyer. Your own lawyer--not one that is representing your husband, but one who will look to YOUR best interests. STOP those direct-debit deposits into your joint account, too. You have to realize that you are responsible for yourself now, and you have to wake up and attend to your own affairs, which means finding out how much money you have, who the gas supplier is, where the mortgage is paid--all of that. You are not a child, you are an adult and should be able to handle your own affairs. You have a child, and she needs you to get a grip and stop being dependant upon your separated husband emotionally and financially. I know that your finances are totally entangled with his, and you may or may not make enough salary of your own to support yourself and your daughter. That's where a lawyer comes in handy, to look out for your interests and to help you see solutions on how you will make ends meet financially so that you can begin the process of healing emotionally. Divorce is a horrible process in so many ways; it creates so many new problems for everyone involved under the guise of "solving" another. But if you wake up tomorrow morning and FORCE yourself to face the fact that there are important matters that need to be attended to (start with the financial ones, the lawyer, etc), for your own good and that of your daughter, you'll gradually find yourself thinking of those things, rather than thinking of your separated spouse and having contact with him. I hope this has helped a little bit. You and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers.
JamesM Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 What puzzles me the most is that he suddenly announces that it is over...no separation and possible reconciliation. Usually this indicates something else or someone else is a part of this. When have you last had sex? How often? Has he ever appeared to not like it? These mates he goes to the pub with...have you ever met them or gone with him? ANy particular ones that stand out as unusual? ANy women there? Does he have a secretary? How many hours does he work? Why haven't you had children with him? You have a two year old daughter...previous marriage? Do you work outside of the home? I think there is some underlying reason for this. Maybe if you discover it, things may get clearer. Otherwise, I still think you may have to see a lawyer as to what you need to do.
Guest Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Wow, this is a tough one. Six months ago, my wife left to visit a friend out of state (female friend). She didn't call me the whole weekend and wouldn't answer her cell. When she came home, she acted as if nothing happened. We had a big fight the next morning, when I challenged the situation. I later found out, her visit to her friend was a house shopping excursion. She left a few weeks later and I've only chatted with her a few times since. It turned out there was another guy. A person she worked with and whom I knew. She was so guilt laden from the affair, she ended up leaving both of us, but continued the affair long distance for a couple more months. Things like this don't just happen over night. They typically build for a couple of years. More likely than not, he's having an affair. Does he come home late? More business trips than before? Do you know the friends he visits on the weekend and can you verify where he was? If you know them, call them up and ask. Be honest with yourself as you answer these questions. I truelly understand your hurt and confusion, but you need to push the pain aside for a few days and protect yourself. If he's the kind of person who plans things out well in advance, he could have seperate bank accounts and may still be trying to move things around. I highly suggest you do these things in the next couple of days: 1. Get a lawyer. Something is fishy and they will help you protect yourself. 2. Get your own checking account and switch your electronic deposit. 3. Run a credit report on yourself and your husband (seperately). 4. Go over the last year of credit, checking, and investment accounts. Make sure you understand what all the significant transactions were for. My heart goes out to you. I am still on an emotional roller coaster, but the ride is starting to calm down. There is light at the end of the tunnel
Author bantambelle Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 Thanks guys for your advise. i am meeting my lawyer tomorrow, I believe him when he says there no one else, I am not naive, I have an high powered job so have to have my wits about me. he phoned me on saturday night at ten past one in the morning saying he had a missed call from me, i told him i had not phoned him so god knows what that was about. i had about 9 hours sleep since thursday and food is a waste of time cause if i do eat i am just sick, i lost weight, i know one day the pain will go but wow am I hurting now, i got friends i can ring but what i cant deal with is the long lonely nights. i had a drink last night and thought it would make it better but all it did was make me send stupid text to his mobile. Wendy
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