Super89Rex Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hey everyone, I really need some guidance, I have been dating this woman for one month now; and I am really crazy about her. Everything has seemed so great, she spends the weekends with me and at first we really spent a lot of time together. But recently I have been having these feelings of worriness or untrustfulness. For starters here is a little history on me, I was in a serious 2 year relationship that ended last August; she ended up cheating on me with one of my best friends and then leaving me for him. Back to my current issue, anyways... My current girlfriends lives and goes to school in the same city as me, but she is originally from a town about 1 hour away thats where her folks live. She recently got a job there and thus has been commuting back and fourth to see me, I havent seen her in 4 days because she worked al 4 days and I also work fulltime. She doesnt finish work until 5, so I guess it would be unpractical for her to drive down here and then drive back only to have to work in the morning again the next day at 9. The other day she told me she went out to dinner with a friend from highschool after work (a HE) and I didn't really want to say anything, but all these thoughts just blasted through my head of unfaithfulness. I know this might seem sort of crazy, but I didn't like the idea of her going out to eat with another guy. Now, Ive spoken to her everyday since we started dating, she either calls me or I will call her. Last night I spoke to her and I know I sounded really worried, I said I wasn't getting very good "vibes" from her as she really wasnt saying much, or I would say "I miss you" and she wouldnt say it back; I told her because of what I've been through, I like re-assurance and I like it when she says things like that. She said shes not very good at expressing her feelings, but to me if you think you have found the right one then it shouldnt be an issue.. she told me not to worry so much, I dunno.. I am just so paranoid and petrified of getting my heart ripped out that Im starting to freak out, I havent seen her in a few days and I think its worse because I havent seen her in a bit. Shes supposed to come down after shes done work today to spend the weekend, we'll seehow it goes.. Now, my question is: What can I do to make sure I keep that attraction she had when she first started dating me as she said she really liked me.. How to I avoid acting needy or pushing her away? And in general what is your take on the situation? (*Also, we agreed after 1 week of "Dating" to officialy be g/f and b/f.. So we have been official for 1 month now..)
Beachgrl486 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I understand what you are going through along with many other people...it is a real common story. You say you are scared of getting your heart broken again. Well...You putting yourself out there for that to happen in this situation. "never make someone your priority when they make you there option" In relationships it has to be 50/50 in order for it to work. You have already realized that you need to be reassured that everything is ok and she has said that she does not feel comfortable about that kind of stuff. There is a warning flag right there. Don't settle. You havent been together that long at all. If you need more and are not getting what you need out of this relationship why would you try to push it and set yourself up for more heart ache? You need to step away and look at the situation and ask yourself if this is making you happy or is it bringing you down? Yes I am sure you have good times together...everyone does...but is the bad outweighing the good? Ask yourself what is right for you...what is going to make you happy? Don't set yourself up for a let down. If you say you miss her and she doesnt respond that tells you something...no matter what you think or what she says...if she missed you she would have said it too.
Author Super89Rex Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 I know what you mean, you see I have had experiences with past relationships or women I have dated where they have suddenly lost interest, or attraction for me. I am starting to believe that this could be related to my "needy" behavioiur, I dont want this to happen with this one. I know I should have bottled up how I felt and not sounded like such a wussy. I know women absolutely despise needy men who seem to lack confidence. Now, she is coming over this weekend for 2 days.. I need some quick ways to bring back that initial attraction she had for me (or be sure I do) Like behaviour wise or ways I can interact with her to let her know that I'm not needy.. I don't even know if there is such things.
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Quit clinging. If you feel a pressure from within to do something, then it's compulsion driving you and you have to fight it. You need to relax - internally and externally. Needy and clingy is boring, unattractive, and tiresome. Just imagine someone being that way with you. It would drive you nuts fast. So don't do that to someone else.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 In my personal experience, if you want to trust a woman 100%, date an ugly one
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 And if you want to trust a man 100%, go to sleep and dream. You do realize that some readers read this cynical BS and believe it, don't you? It is depressing that people feel the need to spew cynicism about entire genders on LS all the time. SOME women are not to be trusted. SOME men are not to be trusted.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 And if you want to trust a man 100%, go to sleep and dream. You do realize that some readers read this cynical BS and believe it, don't you? It is depressing that people feel the need to spew cynicism about entire genders on LS all the time. SOME women are not to be trusted. SOME men are not to be trusted.well, you know my reasons for spitting acid
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 GET YOURSELF TO A COUNSELLOR!!!!!!!!!! Nothing is helped by you turning into a cynical ball of venom-spitting, now is it? You poison other's lives and still are not curing your own self. It's the emotional equivalent of climbing a tower and shooting. You're miserable, so take everybody else down with you. Not a good coping strategy.
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 In my personal experience, if you want to trust a woman 100%, date an ugly one :lmao: If you wanna be happy for the rest of your life Never make a pretty woman your wife So from my personal point of view Get an ugly girl to marry you A pretty woman makes her husband look small And very often causes his downfall As soon as he marries her then she starts To do the things that will break his heart But if you make an ugly woman your wife you'll be happy for the rest of your life An ugly woman cooks meals on time And she'll always give you peace of mind - Jimmy Soul "If You Wannna Be Happy" Super - yes, you're being paranoid and needy. After one month of dating, if you talk every day and it's only been 4 work days that you haven't seen each other, you're making too much of this. Listen to what she's telling you, and when you start to worry, remember her words and think of how you are together and how she treats you. Don't let your past sabotage your thoughts of every relationship you have.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 thanks, nor-jane, for showing that one can still have a sense of humor admist this terrifying existential hell
Touche Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Well, I thought it was funny too. Some of us realize you weren't being completely serious so don't worry about it. As for the OP, I agree with everyone here. You'll push her away if you don't relax. There's nothing you can do to make her want you more or the same way as before. She either will or she won't. You'll find out soon enough if it's meant to be or not. Be prepared for the worst and just hope for the best. That's all you can do.
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 thanks, nor-jane, for showing that one can still have a sense of humor admist this terrifying existential hell Sense of humor is the only thing that gets us through that hell, sweets.
p8riot7 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Rex, Whether you end up speaking to a counselor or not, I would like to suggest some reading. There are books called "His needs, Her needs" and "Love Busters" by Willard F. Harley. It has alot to do with each one of us having an imaginary "love bank" where deposits are made for pleasant experiences and withdrawls are made for bad experiences. Each person that we have any kind of relationship with has their own "account" in your love bank. Just as your girlfriend's "friend" also has an account with her. It may seem hard to grasp, but the thing is, you need to make sure that YOU have a higher positive balance in your account with her than anyone else does.
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Some of us realize you weren't being completely serious 'Some of us' aren't the only readers. There will be readers who don't share that sort of sense of humour. We're not an insular group of folks who all know each other. There are lurkers and readers who soak this stuff up seriously.
burning 4 revenge Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 There are lurkers and readers who soak this stuff up seriously.and you seriously don't think it's easier to trust an ugly girl? please
Touche Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 'Some of us' aren't the only readers. There will be readers who don't share that sort of sense of humour. We're not an insular group of folks who all know each other. There are lurkers and readers who soak this stuff up seriously. Well, I think now they will know that it wasn't serious. And of course people don't all share "that sort of senf of humour." So what? Does that mean that some of us should stop being who we are for the sake of those who don't "get it?" I think not.
Outcast Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 If you allow yourself to believe in such shallow generalizations, you'll never turn into the kind of guy who'll attract any decent woman. There are trustworthy beauties and slutty uggers.
gfto Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Getting back to the original post......... The other day she told me she went out to dinner with a friend from highschool after work (a HE) and I didn't really want to say anything, but all these thoughts just blasted through my head of unfaithfulness. I know this might seem sort of crazy, but I didn't like the idea of her going out to eat with another guy. I wouldn't necessarily worry about this on its face. He could just be a platonic friend with whom she has stayed in touch over the years. But, it's the rest of your post that signals bad news..... Ive spoken to her everyday since we started dating. big mistake. I said I wasn't getting very good "vibes" from her as she really wasnt saying much, or I would say "I miss you" and she wouldnt say it back; I told her because of what I've been through, I like re-assurance and I like it when she says things like that. She said shes not very good at expressing her feelings, but to me if you think you have found the right one then it shouldnt be an issue.. she told me not to worry so much, I dunno.. You sound very very needy, and she's picking up on this, which is going to lower her interest in you. What can I do to make sure I keep that attraction she had when she first started dating me as she said she really liked me.. How to I avoid acting needy or pushing her away? Keep it light and funny. Humor. And, back off a little bit. It isn't necessary to talk to her EVERY day. No serious subjects. You've only been dating her for a month. *Also, we agreed after 1 week of "Dating" to officialy be g/f and b/f.. So we have been official for 1 month now. How exactly did this conversation happen? Who brought it up?
been7077 Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 "Now, my question is: What can I do to make sure I keep that attraction she had when she first started dating me as she said she really liked me.. How to I avoid acting needy or pushing her away? And in general what is your take on the situation?" Still can't get this quote thing right, but some thoughts on your above comments... The only thing to do is to tell her what you think and feel and let it go. If you really like her and want a future with her that is the only way. I have had the same situation happen a number of times. Often someone else comes along who catches her eye --hard to believe right, when we are such studs -- and off she goes. Many times it doesn't work out and you may get a call back. You know why? If you are a decent guy and are not needy or insecure or demanding and pay some degree of attention to details and have a sense of humor ("ugly women") you will find you are a scarce commodity. You can't make someone want to be with you, like you or love you. That's life, buddy!
Tony T Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 There are lurkers and readers who soak this stuff up seriously. Are you serious?
whichwayisup Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 You definately need to back off and not be so intense, jealous and controlling. Let her have her life - Just like you should have yours. You're not "boyfriend/girlfriend" in a sense of being INVOLVED in eachothers daily lives 100% yet. You're still in the "getting to know eachother phase" and so let the rest just happen. If you don't back off and give her space, you will lose her faster than you can say BOO. Noone wants someone "telling" them what to do/who to see/how to feel. That's just not cool and it's puts people off. So, enjoy YOUR time to yourself and let enough time pass so you both can miss eachother...That way when you are together, the time is more special... Lighten up, have fun and keep her laughing...
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