Bf feeling abandoned, what do I do...

[Walk]

My bf is upset/sad that his friends and family don't seem to want to spend time with him. They do, just everyone is busy this weekend and he's feeling down about it. Anyway, my family invited the two of us to dinner last night, and I went. I invited my bf but he said he didn't want to go.

 

I think he's feeling abandoned by his family, a little rejected, and also jealous that my family calls and wants to do stuff with me all the time. But now he's pushing me away because of this. Like, he ran off to pay bills this morning. I just wanted to hang out with him today. BUt he doesn't seem to want me around. The whole bill paying will be the only time he leaves the house today, since we're broke. So it's not like we're going do something later this weekend. I feel like he's putting distance between us and it's making me upset. I'd like to handle this in a positive way, and not get emotional about it.

 

What do I do to make him feel better, and stop pushing me away? Should I talk to him? I think if I try to hard to compensate for his feeling abandoned and rejected, that he'll feel smoothered. He's the type that closes off if he's hurt. He'd rather hide up in a hole then talk, or cuddle or whatever.

 

What can I do? What would help? If I leave him alone, he'll feel I abandoned him too? What would help in this situation? I'm at a loss as to even a starting point on this.

[destination_unknown]

Yea, when I feel ****ty like that I kinda just want to be alone. Don't like people seeing me in my immature mode! I usually sulk for couple of hours, then realise how silly I'm being and come back to the land of the living!

 

Maybe it would be good to just let him be alone for the day, then when he starts to be more cheerful again, do something sweet. Say you know he had been feeling a bit crap over the weekend and your glad he's happier now.

[Walk]

D.U., I'll try that. Kind of worried if I don't do something, that he'll think I abandoned him too.

 

Before he left to pay bills he called his friend up. The friend was having breakfast down the road from us, and asked if my bf wanted him to order him something. Bf said no. Friend asks if he wants to get together today, but that he (the friend) had something going later that day. Bf says no, and that it didn't sound like friend would have time to get together if he had other obligations. etc. etc.

 

Bf leaves at quarter to 9 to pay bills. Two bills, and pick up a bag of cat food. It's been almost 3 hours since he left. So now I think he did meet up with the friend... and I'm irritated by that. Actually, I'm hurt. I feel like I'm being shunned. It is seeming as though he doesn't want me to go do anything with him. He wanted to hook up with his brother yesterday, and he told me this a few days in advance. But it was all how HE was going, and when HE was going. He never asked me what I was doing. Didn't ask if I wanted to go, and nothing was ever.."We".. just HE. So, yesterday, after he told me he was meeting up with his brother, I decided I wasn't going to sit at home alone again, so I agreed to have dinner with my parents. Then he doesn't get ahold of his brother, so can't go meet him. I tell him I had to meet my parents, and he says "fine, just leave. Abandon me..." As a joke. I ask him to come. He gives an emphatic No way. I tell him that he was going to abandon me to go see his brother, so why should I sit at home and wait. He said he wasn't going to, he was going to take me. Then I feel guilty for making other plans. Except, I really don't believe he would've invited me to go see his brother. He used to invite me to go with him every where, but now he doesn't. He just gets up, gets dressed and leaves. I have to ask where he's going. I should try not asking one time... see if he leaves without ever telling me anything.

 

Now granted.. my bday is in a 4 days.. so maybe that is why he didn't want me to go today? But I just know he met up with the friend, and they're off doing stuff together. Which is fine. I don't care. But gad dang tell me so I can plan things *I* want to do with my day! A simple call to say, honey, I'm running around with X today, be back late this afternoon.

 

Am I over reacting? Maybe I am. Maybe he's out diligently trying to find the perfect gift or some bs. I told him I only wanted a book. I really don't want anything anyways. Just to spend some time with him. Instead, I get ditched all day, so that he can buy me a trinket and hang out with his friend. I might be wrong about him hanging out with his friend... but I don't think so.

 

I'm irritated and I'm hurt. I might be over reacting because we've been arguing a lot. Reacting to that, instead of what's really going on.

[tinktronik]

Let him sulk it out for a while , and maybe it'll clear . How old is your b-f by the way?

[Walk]

I guess I just say screw it and go do my own thing (AGAIN) today, huh?

 

He'll be 33 end of this year.

[tinktronik]

I guess I just say screw it and go do my own thing (AGAIN) today, huh?

 

He'll be 33 end of this year.

Do you ever get tired of having problems in your R walk? Your pacience seems endless. 33 is too old for a guy to still sulk around , from the broad spectrum of your posts on your R it sounds as if he's very moody .When do you get to just be happy?

[Outcast]

Walk, this guy will be mad at you WHATEVER you do. This is NOT about what you do or do not do or should or should not do!!!

 

I wish you could get this!!!!!

 

This is about HIM. HE is chronically dissatisfied with life and you are part of life. HE is seriously unhealthy and you are driving yourself into the ground trying to fix a situation that is IRREPARABLE.

 

I wish you'd quit believing that you can fix this. You absolutely cannot.

You absolutely cannot.

 

You absolutely cannot.

 

You absolutely cannot.

[tinktronik]

Walk, this guy will be mad at you WHATEVER you do. This is NOT about what you do or do not do or should or should not do!!!

 

I wish you could get this!!!!!

 

This is about HIM. HE is chronically dissatisfied with life and you are part of life. HE is seriously unhealthy and you are driving yourself into the ground trying to fix a situation that is IRREPARABLE.

 

I wish you'd quit believing that you can fix this. You absolutely cannot.

You absolutely cannot.

 

You absolutely cannot.

 

You absolutely cannot.

My that does about sum it up . And it sounds miserable .

[alphamale]

This is about HIM. HE is chronically dissatisfied with life and you are part of life. HE is seriously unhealthy...

Not only that but this dude isn't cutting the mustard financially either. WALK, you need to find a real man who has his act together.

[tinktronik]

As an add to , you need to stop tiptoeng around him and trying so hard to make him happy .Make yourself happy , cause you aren't ever going to make him happy.

[Walk]

I was just thinking about happiness and how it relates to my life today before reading this..

Do you ever get tired of having problems in your R walk?..... When do you get to just be happy?

Good question. I was pondering the relationships of my life and how much they ALL have blown chunks. In exactly these same annoyingly draining, yet not quite disasterous ways. None of them cheat, or beat me, or are addicts, or anything so blatant you couldn't ignore. They're all just... draining. The accumulation of little things over and over.... til you can't ignore it anymore. Then I feel like an ass because I was fine with the little quirks and difficulties before.

 

For instance, this relationship. The moodiness, the quirks, the aspects that make you go Aaarrrggh. I can tolerate some weird things, 'cause I'm pretty weird. But I used to get more hugs and cuddles, and he'd ask me to come lay in bed with him while he drifted off to sleep. Just to feel me next to him. But now? Hell, he doesn't seem to want me even taking a nap with him. He seems to tolerate the idea, more than relish it. He'll still cuddle up with me for a while, but his mouth is saying he doesn't want to.

 

Like Tuesday... I come out half naked trying to get him "in the mood" so to speak. I start talking dirty to him, etc. etc... He says, and I shyt you not. "I can't. I have to dig boogers out of my nose." Maybe he's joking. But **** me that's hurtful. So I get all moody and quiet and pull away... then he wants to have sex. But now I think he only wants sex cause out of guilt or something. So I guilted him into having sex with me... sweet.

 

Which by the way... a guy who is in one of the groups I'm in thought I was turning 22 this year. Not 32. so why the F*** am I not more "visually stimulating" than mining for nuggets?!?!?!?!?!

 

And worst part. absolute worst. I want to leave because I am utterly BORED out of my mind. I am BORED to tears in this relationship. I feel so bad about it, but it's true. I want to get out, do things, have a bit of adventure now and then... He always says no. Wouldn't even cost anything to him. I got it covered. He still says no. He'd rather stay home.

 

Argh. I'm moody, angry, and freakin bored outta my skull. All I do is homework. All day every day. Just wanted a little fun time. And I wanted to share it with him. And then I think.. I'm too good for this. I deserve better than this crap. He should be kissing the ground I walk on!! I am the BOMB as far as gf's are concerned. I clean house, I set out his pj's, and a fresh towel for him when he gets home from work. I have his favorite beverage waiting for him after he takes his shower. I initiate sex 99% of the time, and I personally like having sex 3-5 times a week, and I ask 6 out of 7 days a week. I'm always up for anything at all. I get along with all his friends.. I go out of my way to ensure he has time to spend with his friends. I insist he go out with them. If he's short on cash, I offer him mine. If he refuses it, then I tell him I LOVE eating at home. And how great it is NOT to go out.. I'm earning my bachelors so that I can make great money (more than I was) all so he can go back to school or find a career he'll actually enjoy. I'm smart, and pretty. Yet I'm still not good enough to cuddle up with.

 

You know what... I'm going to tell him this. No I'm not..

[Walk]

P.S. He didn't meet up with his friend today. He came home with two huge bags of stuff he hid behind his back when coming in. Then he ran into the second bedroom and I'm assuming spent the next 20 minutes wrapping.

 

Now he's napping...

 

I feel guilty for being mad and hurt and frustrated by everything.

[destination_unknown]

Ooooh, wonder what it is? Are you going to sneak a peek?

 

Don't know what to say to you bout your frustrations with the relationship apart from whats the communication like?

 

Edited to say: I wonder if he feels inadequate because of not earning what he would like and being unsatisfied with his career? Its still not a justification for being moody all the time though

[Mary3]

Walk you are wayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy too patient , decent and kind to someone who would rather pick his nose than have sex with you.

 

What is his problem ? Likely alot : Depressed at himself about your financial status. Selfish immature baby . Pain in the Arse,.

 

You can fly to the moon tonite and pain the landscape in GOLD and it won't impress him.

 

He got you some gifts tonite. You seem to hold on the little fractions of gestures and ignore the BIG picture.

 

He is likely bored with your tremendous outpooring of loving , cleaning, sacrificing , being a wonderful gf, building tree houses in the back yard, paying for him when he can't , suffering along with him.

 

Now you either have to live with this man and accept all his faults ( and hes got plenty ) Or you need to find a way to remove yourself from this. Is this the same guy you had problems with previously ? Now HE was a doozy !

[Walk]

I was laying in bed last night thinking. I was trying to connect thought with feeling, right? Anyway, I realized that when he pulls mean crap my mind automatically goes into denial mode. Its like I'm watching slightly removed from the situation. Its toned down, muted. Not happening to me.

 

I talked to him last night about feeling like he doesn't want to cuddle, be affection, or have me around much. And how I was unhappy with the lack of communication, or him saying one thing then doing the opposite. First he launches into how he has a right to meet up with his friends. (i agree) That I'm jumping his azz about it. He talked and talked about how his friend was uncomfortable around me because one time I supposedly went off about how women aren't inferior to men. I probably did. But they crack on the female gender a lot.

 

Anyway, there was a lot he said. How men don't want to cuddel and women have to pay for the priviledge, just like guys have to pay for the priviledge of having sex with her. And if a woman wants to keep a man being affectionate than she needs to keep the sex interesting and new. And its really easy at teh beginning of a relatioship for a woman to do that.. but then she has to work a lot harder to earn that affection as the relationship progresses. Otherwise, the man will start looking at other women. THen he equated it to end cap shopping. How the item on an end cap is all shinny and fascinating when first seen, so you buy it, and then after you get it home and have had it a while, it's not so shiny and fascinating.. So then the new end cap item looks so fascinating and you want that one instead...

 

I have no idea.. I just stopped him and said "So I'm an end cap item? And you want a new end cap thing?"

 

He says, don't say it like that.. the way you say it, it sounds bad.

 

DUH!!!! Gosh.

 

Then he finally stops beating around the bush about why he's not being affectionate etc. (at least I thought he was stopping) He says "Why am I not being as affectionate and cuddly, well, lets look at the male population as a whole..." I snapped... "This isn't about the population, this is about you and me."

 

So.. long story short (since he yabbered on for an hour about it) he said I'm not doing enough sexually to keep his attention, or to pay for the affection I would like to recieve. And if I wanted that affection back, then I'm going to have to work harder at it. Especially since the relationship is older, and the "newness" is gone... it's going to be harder for me do... THen he starts giving examples like "A woman shopping in a porn store to spice up her husbands life.. she knows how to keep a man." Something else about how I'm not experimental enough in the bedroom, and he's had to come to grips with that, but that doesn't mean I earned more affection from him.

 

I listened for about 10 minutes to this... Then cut him off mid sentence and said I don't want to hear this shyt. I NEED more affection from you, not hear how I'm not doing enough and how inadequate I am. Then said I was going upstairs to cry my eyes out and then sleep. He just lets out this exasperated sigh like I'm crazy and drops his head like he's "giving up" because *I* just don't get common sense. Then he slept on the couch all night. He played guitar, I heard him make more coffee.. etc... He never came upstairs. Nothing.

 

This is beyond retarded. I can't even wrap my brain around this. Like it didn't happen or something. Or more like a bad dream. I told myself if he didn't come upstairs and try to talk or even just give me a lousy friggin' hug, then I was leaving today.

 

He didn't. And I'm currently not packing, I'm writing on here...

[Walk]

He is likely bored with your tremendous outpooring of loving , cleaning, sacrificing , being a wonderful gf, building tree houses in the back yard, paying for him when he can't , suffering along with him.

I think he just said he was.. that's what I gathered from the convo last night.

Is this the same guy you had problems with previously ? Now HE was a doozy !

If you mean the same guy I started posting on here about a year ago.. Yes.

[destination_unknown]

K, your guy is really tactless. I don't think he has done a real good job of articulating his needs in a sensitive way to you!

 

So what I'm getting from what he said is that unless you are swinging from a chandlier, wearing pink crotchless panties and sporting a riding crop he will withdraw affection / look for something else?

 

I don't know, maybe it equates somewhat to the love bank thing, like his needs are fulfilled sexually and your fulfilled non-sexually, so he's stopped all direct debits to your account until you start paying him more, either that or he will reach an agreement to get his love bank filled by some other account? I guess it's kind of a stalemate situation then. His analogy was hurtful, but he's talking. TBH, I haven't read all your posts but I think I recall one and going "wow, he's an ass". I guess it all comes down to what you said before - you KNOW your a good girlfriend and you KNOW you have been not exactly happy for a year. How much longer do you want to keep fighting for this?

 

Do you have somewhere to go if you decide to pack?

[Walk]

You are right D.U., about the "love bank" idea.

 

Let me back up a moment... I know that nearly everything that comes out of his mouth is driven from insecurity and fear of showing weakness. He doesn't really want me hanging off chandeliers and carrying riding crops while wearing a leather thong. And he wouldn't necessarily want crazy sex acts. He wants the effort and time that comes with the elaborate planning etc that comes with doing those things. I think he's been conditioned to believe that women don't enjoy sex but do it in order to get money/things. So if a woman goes out of her way to "please" her man, then she must really love him. And he doesn't want to be fooled into giving "her" every ounce of who he is if she didn't want HIM, but his stuff.

 

It's twisted logic. flawed.

 

So he says shyt like how I'm not making sex exciting enough. What he means is "I don't feel loved because you don't seem overly interested in having sex with me." But I get defensive because he's actively thawarting me in meeting those needs. Always telling me no... He does this because he's scared he'll be taken advantage of, and that I'll use him sex to control him. So he pushes me away. So I withdraw and we don't have sex, and he feels more unloved... and I feel rejected and unwanted... etc. etc..

 

I saw a flier for a room for rent today and wrote down the email address. Maybe it's a "sign". haha

[doubleint]

Hmm, I think I may be of some help here. When I was with this girl for about a year, the sex started to get...boring if you will. We ended up breaking up for different reasons but when I found this other girl who I ended up dating for 6 years, the sex was always amazing. It wasnt because things were different, it was because there was just something about this girl that drove me nuts sexually. It didnt matter how much we had sex, or how little we did, what mattered was we were having sex.

 

Basically what im trying to say is, I think you should move on and find another guy who will love to have sex with you no matter what. Although I dont know you or your boyfriend that well, thats just the feeling im getting when reading your posts. In my opinion girls shouldnt have to do new things in bed just to make their boyfriend tolerable to be around. Sure she can spice things up, but let that be a surprise, you know?

 

Some more info would be nice. Good luck!

[whichwayisup]

I saw a flier for a room for rent today and wrote down the email address. Maybe it's a "sign". haha

 

Yes, take it as a sign. And start thinking ahead because the way things are going, how he's treating you and you're putting up with it, sooner or later YOU will lose it and finally dump him. Walk, he's completely manipulating you, making you feel bad when he feels bad. He's being passive agressive and very immature. He's shown so many signs of being controlling and being an Narcississtic person.

 

He isn't going to change, ever. He is who he is and honestly, if you are willing to stay with a man like that - You will lose who you are.