MrPot Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I've been around for a couple months. I joined up because I was hurting over being dumped, and I figured I would find some good help here. Just by reading other threads, I have. But now I want some more specific advice. Here's the Cliff's notes version of my situation: I meet girl in college. Become close friends. Hear about her deadbeat boyfriend of 4 years she's trying to dump. She dumps him, starts going out with me and my friends. Becomes very close friend. After a few flings with other guys she meets as I show her the world I fall for her, and after a few months she falls for me back. We're together for 6 months. I love her to death, but there are problems. An intellectual gap. Differing values and wants out of life. Her insecurities, jealousy, and posessiveness. I know she's not right for me, but I don't have the heart to end it. After spending a week being a total bitch to me, she dumps me three days after our 6-month anniversary. I immediately experience a peculiar ambivalence: a mix of despair and relief. I don't have the love of my life - the woman I thought I would marry - anymore, but in exchange I have my freedom back and the opportunity to find the real woman of my dreams. We decide we still want to be friends. I'm ok with this, yet I still want to be able to live a life away from her. Honestly, I still wanted to be with her, but I wanted to avoid her a little to help me heal. This becomes difficult as she adopts my closest circle of friends as her own and hangs out with them a lot. There are a couple incidents in which she erupts in jealousy because I'm already talking to another girl. There is one particular incident that makes the situation difficult for her with the other friends. She causes something of a scene by bringing around her old deadbeat boyfriend of 4 years, the one over which we used to fight because she still wanted to be friends with him but I disagreed. I don't want to list what he's done to her, but let's just say he was the epitome of a bad boyfriend, and a bad person in general. A couple friends object to her hanging out with him because a) they don't like him and b) they have loyalty to me. She gets upset with them because she feels they won't give him a chance (she's wrong) and she defends him. One of the biggest issues I've had with her is her tendency to want to talk to him again (he never stopped pursuing her completely, yet he'd take breaks) and after I'd bring up all the terrible **** he's done to her, she'd tend to defend him. Like the moron I am, I didn't take this as a sign to move on. So, we've been good friends up to this week. We've even hung out a few days ago and I've handled it well. I still have feelings for her, but I know I don't want her back, so I've been doing pretty well. That is, until tonight. It's Friday night. She works midnight shift every night but Thursday and Friday. Hence, they used to be our nights to spend the entire night together. Before I get into what happened tonight, I want to share some quick background: We're supposed to be going to a concert together with 4 other friends next month. However, I bought her ticket and she still owes me the money. For reasons we won't get into here, she was supposed to be able to pay me last week but her old ex (the deadbeat with whom she's friends again) owes her money and she was supposed to get it then. He was out of state on a job and she sent him something he needed and he was to wire the money. He apparently ran into some complications and didn't get her the money on time. However, as she told me, he was supposed to be in town by yesterday or today and she should definitely get the money by then. I was already hurt enough that she had any interest in communicating with this person, but tonight it's worse. I called her twice and she didn't answer. Never returned a call. I went out to a club I frequent, and thinking that maybe she lost her phone or was having trouble, I'd swing by her house since it's on the way home. She wasn't there. She wasn't there and she's not answering. The obvious explanation, to me, is that she's with him. With Jim. It hurts to think this. Not so much because I'm jealous. I don't want her anymore. No way. It hurts to think I've wasted so much time, so much emotion, on someone who would 1) associate with that person again and 2) childishly ignore me. So here's my dilemma. I'm thinking of finally initiating complete NC tomorrow. I've done a good job of staying away from her for the most part, but since I've been over her for a few weeks I thought we might as well stay friends and I've been open to seeing her recently. However, I don't want to deal with this. Not this drama, not this hurt, not this disrespect. Not anymore. The problem is, we still have a close friendship and a business relationship (which I won't explain here, but using my avatar and some sense, you could figure it out). I feel that I can't simply start ignoring her. I feel that I need to give her an explanation. I also feel that this would provide me closure that would be refreshing. Should I end our friendship? The money issue is a no-brainer; I can just offer the ticket to someone else. It's for Tool, and I have lots of Toolhead fans who would jump at the offer. And I don't want to just avoid her. She'll know something is up and I'll inevitably be asked for an explanation. I figure I might as well get it over and done with. Thanks for any insight.
waitingforlove Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hi MrPot, You replied to my thread and I'd like to reply to yours as well! I guess it's always easier to see other people's situations than our own ... It sounds to me that: 1/ You don't want her back; 2/ You do still care about her (not care "for" her but you do care about her; that's why it hurts you when she's still talking to someone who has hurt her so much); 3/ You do want the friendship, but at the same time it hurts if you stay as her friend as she's mistreating you; 4/ You do want some closure. You sound like you have a clear head and are pretty sure that you want to move on, am I right? If you are ABSOLUTELY SURE that you don't want her back and you're not just denying your feelings, then I would say it might do you good to talk to her. You have to decide whether or not you still want the friendship. I think that's the part that's ambivalent for you; since you want the friendship but you don't want the hurt that comes from it. Would it help to evaluate how much the friendship means to you? Is it important enough for you to sustain the hurt that comes with it? If yes, then hang in there and just try not to get too involved with her; if not, then end it -- at least for a few months. I admire and almost "envy" the strength that you have!! Hang in there; keep being strong and move on!! Good luck to you!
Author MrPot Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 You're pretty much right about your guesses. Thanks for the suggestions. For an update on the situation, the plot has thickened. She called me the next day and left a message saying that she didn't answer the phone because she was "laying down." Obviously a lie, unless she specifically meant she was lying down at Jim's house. And she wasn't lying down for 5 hours in the middle of the evening (I called once at 10 and again around 3:30). I am not going to be friends anymore with someone who avoids my call and then lies about it. This is going to be one of the hardest things I've done, but I feel I have to do it. My current plan is to write her a letter and explain to her why we can't associate anymore, at least for now. If I try to talk to her she'll argue with me and I won't get my points across. I'm going to send her a letter and just walk away.
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