Marlien Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Nearly three weeks ago, I broke up with my emotionally abusive and polygamous boyfriend. (He had four others, if you must know.) I haven't felt better in all my life, but... Lately I've been thinking back on our relationship, and wondering why I even stayed as long as I did. I can't help but get a little angry when I think of his lies and his actions. How he was so nice at first, but soon dropped the facade. For a while, I was watching his webpage of sorts, just to know what he's been doing. However, four days ago, I stopped doing this, with some reluctance. I know that I must stop thinking about him so much in order to get over him. But it's not always easy. If anyone has any ideas to help me, whether it's resisting the temptation to visit his webpage or to just even think about him, please share.
Pink Amulet Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Don't leave yourself with a minute to spare. Just keep busy- every minute of the day.
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 When I'm thorughly stressed and overwhelmed by something, I really like to plan a vacation or long weekend getaway. It doesn't have to be terribly expensive or anything, but there's something about being somewhere else and seeing different things, experiencing different people and smells or tastes that just kinda knocks me out of my obssessive or painful rut. It tends to give me a fresh outlook, or at least a reprieve from my thoughts. I like to write, so I can sometimes get absorbed in writing a new short story. I don't know if you have a passion for something, but maybe it's a good time to immerse yourself in something you really enjoy, or try some new things that you've always wanted to try but never did. And for some reason, mystery novels or movies usually help me when I have relationship stuff on my mind. It could be that there's generally little romance in them, and if the plot is compelling enough, it captures my thoughts just enough to give me some peace from my painful thoughts. Also, being in the midst of nature also takes me out of my head. Standing at the ocean or in the midst of giant redwoods makes me feel really tiny and the world so vast...it reminds me how small my problems are and how big and wonderful the world is, and how likely I am to find more joy in it. I like to take day or weekend trips to hike around glorious wooded trails, or moutain scenes, or waterfalls, rivers...it's so peaceful and I take lots and lots of pictures. Finally, yoga and belly dancing classes really work for me. There's something about needing to focus on the movements of my body, and control small and large muscles that just knocks every other thought out of my head. Course, I can't pat my head and rub my stomach at the same time, either. Good luck - you've done a fantastic thing for yourself and should be really proud, as well as hopeful for a much better future.
johnnytable Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Look, its okay to think about him. This is part of the healing process. However if you are obsessing, then you might need some help.
Author Marlien Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 Thanks for the advice, everyone. It's true that I think of him less each day. Sometimes I need to, just to get the feelings out. I'm not sad at all, I'm just so angry with myself for being tricked like I was, to become part of his 'collection'. I really should have had better judgment. I've been finding relief from the times I do think about him by spending time with my family, reading good books, and occasional walks. I guess a busy mind is a mind that doesn't think about unnecessary things. It's probably just a trifle harder, since he was my first love. (If you can call it that. It was more like blind infatuation.) Either way, I'm kind of glad it all happened, because it taught me a lesson. Since we barely knew eachother before he pushed the idea of a relationship on me, I now know that good relationships take time to develop.
destination_unknown Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Your first love is SO hard to get over, and you deserved to have had nicer memories at least to grieve over! Doesn't mean there's anything wrong with your judgement. We can never truly know what is going on under the surface with another person, so why beat yourself up over it? I think there is a true first love around the corner for you.
In Sync Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 But it's not always easy. If anyone has any ideas to help me, whether it's resisting the temptation to visit his webpage or to just even think about him, please share. mending a broken heart is a process, but it can be done and has...some of us on LS are living proof. Each day is new day and I suggest part of our healing is to see it as a brand new opportunity to reinvent and start fresh. Try exercising, great for releasing tension and feeling great after a workout. Pamper yourself, do little things for you..from getting a fresh look to having a pedicure or massage! Learn to shower all that love on you. On the flip side start looking around you, do something for someone else. Bake a cake, help someone in need. It takes your mind off of your situation because as much as we all hurt from disappointment there is someone out there who's in pain and needs you. Lastly do stay away from all momentos of your ex....trips down memory lane will hinder your healing. All the positive things you do for yourself will feel pointless if you keep looking over pics and websites of your ex. I can't see it doing anything except holding you back. You won't suddenly stop thinking about the ex overnite...it's a long process to overcome feelings of despair but you must be the one to make those efforts. Your happiness from this day forward is in your hands.
Brittjean06 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Its not your fault you got involved with a sociopath, yes a SOCIopath. I did to at 14 and for 2 1/2 years lived a lie? Its really hard because all it does is confuse you about guys, but its not guys It was him. I know how you feel I keep looking back at the past and reamber all the red flags and wonder why I never listed to my gut. Well because I didn't know of the word sociopath and I thought everyone was as loving as me ha boy was I wrong. Try to see him for him and know that your love for him was love of his potential and what you thought he was. I am surprised to know that many many people have encountered one of these various types of people. We all have our own verison though. Haha Mine made me believe he was so moralised and he was charming and I could never really have a real emotional bond with him. He also broke all my stuff and broke all the doors in his house. He was crazyyyyyyyyyy. I hope to god I've learnt my lesson. I was lurking through loveshack. just looking to see if anyone has dated one And I'm sure many have...
Author Marlien Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 This forum is very supportive. All the advice makes sense to me, and I intend to apply it. I greatly appreciate your concern. As for the sociopath business... He fits that description perfectly. He wasn't violent in a physical way, but exploited people to say the least. He made me pity him with his stories of being used, and his borderline tendencies. But it was ironic that I was the one being used, and pushed closer to the edge. (Figuratively) I'm a much stronger person because of this experience. I wonder why I didn't realize what he was sooner. (However, I'm glad I ended the relationship no later than three months in.) All I know is if I keep letting it bother me, he'll only have succeeded more in harming me. Thanks again, everyone.
Brittjean06 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 My ex would tell the most destructive self pity stories and now that I think of it it was fake, I always new that kid lacked remorce. They don't have to be physically abusive. But their mentally abusive. My friend is involved with one right now and has told me he is lies so much and says all these weird stories . This guy told her he could pass a lie decector test. That says alot....As much as I want to keep telling her she already has instincts she will learn like I learned. She has already dismissed all the things he has done so far in their new relationship. Sad but sociopaths are everywhere. Grr ...
daphne Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 My ex would tell the most destructive self pity stories and now that I think of it it was fake, I always new that kid lacked remorce. Ah.... self pity stories. I remember an ex who was either sociopathic or narcissistic. One of his stories was about losing his virginity. He slept with a girl that had been molested by 2 of her family members and she flipped out on him. He said something to the effect "can you imagine having your first time being like that? it was awful." Poor him. He couldn't possibly imagine how she was feeling because he couldn't care less about anyone but himself. Another story was about his ex who he had a crush for (and broke up with to be with me.. oh boy). He pursued her relentlessly and finally got her. He told me that she would argue with him about the relationship and how she was the bad guy and that he felt he "deserved better." From everything he told me about her I sided with her and couldn't quite figure it out but he liked to play teh victim role even though he was cheating on her left and right (didn't know this at first), used her to do menial tasks for him even after he was with me, and treated her like crap. Btw, there are few female sociopaths but a whole bunch of male ones. That shouldn't be terribly surprising.
Brittjean06 Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Yeah and all the junk they talk about their ex's lol its all bull crap. They want to make themselves look like the victim. My exs fiance now believes all this crap she happend to blog about me saying I treated him like crap. All I thought to myself was time will tell and you will see the mask unvailed after sometime. People also say you shoudlent just call them sociopathic because they did something wrong. We all as humans can do evil acts or make many mistakes. But I stand by heavily towards my ex being 99.9 % sociopathic. hahaha she talks about how hes so charming. Ding ding ding. I now realise I could never really get a real emotional side out of him it wasn't real. No matter what destruction they make in their paths, humanity will prevail. I never thought Id be the ex that he now makes up crap about. But he would tell peolple all these lies about me even when going out. I was so stupid. He was very violent and had the worst temper just a very strange character and time is easily placing things in perspective for me. Kind of sad my first " love " had to be with that type of experience
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