superconductor Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Friends of mine are just about a month or so away from their first child. They've already decided the baby's name (they know it's going to be a girl) but suddenly my buddy's wife has become adamant within the past few months that the baby have her last name. (She kept her last name when they got married.) They have a good relationship, at least as far as I can tell. But since she got this idea in her head that the baby absolutely must have her last name, things are a bit difficult. He's tried to compromise, trying everything from hyphenating the baby's last name to even coming up with an entirely new name, sort of a combination of both their names. But she refuses. No way, no how, no discussion, nothing. Could be just her hormones talking, and that she may change her mind (again). But my buddy is pretty much beside himself over this, and can't see a way out. Suggestions? Comments? (For the record, it's not me who's involved, it's just that I know the couple very well.)
Pink Amulet Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Why is he so concerned about the baby having the mothers last name? My mother was a bit of a radical feminist and insisted I have her last name. I'm quite pleased as my mothers last name is prettier (Swedish) than my fathers (German). I don't see why this would cause too many dramas, especially in this day and age.
Alexandra Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I'm quite pleased as my mothers last name is prettier (Swedish) than my fathers (German). I don't see why this would cause too many dramas, especially in this day and age. Tiny OT... we have something in common PA, the Swedish last name;) Back on topic, it's causing drama because it's causing an issue in their marriage, it's an important topic that they fundamentally disagree on and can't find a way to compromise. Dissing it as unimportant may well be as possible as telling a woman her husband watching porn is a sign of the technological era and she ought not bother. Not an exact comparison but it will have to fly. Superconductor, yes indeed it may be hormonal although if I understand it right 8th month is not one of the particularly moody ones. -I may remember that wrongly, I'll be happy to retract if need be.- Are you positive this is not something he could live with or eventually get used to? Afterall names are never permanent, they could change it later on, the child could and will -if it's a girl even more so;)-, etc. Would it cause that much damage to their relationship long term if he just gives in? If so he does need to keep defending his point and hope that enough talk/begging/explaining will make her agree to one of the less radical, hyphenated alternatives.
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Why is he so concerned about the baby having the mothers last name? My mother was a bit of a radical feminist and insisted I have her last name. I'm quite pleased as my mothers last name is prettier (Swedish) than my fathers (German). I don't see why this would cause too many dramas, especially in this day and age. I can see his point. If she won't allow their daughter to have any part of her name show that she is also his daughter, he might feel like he's being cut out of the picture...like he barely matters as part of this family...like his wife is claiming this child as hers and hers alone. I'm sure he's as proud to be a father as she is a mother, and would like their daughter's name to reflect that he is as much a part of her life too. What is the wife's objection to a hyphenated name? Is his last name something really horrible?
Pink Amulet Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 like his wife is claiming this child as hers and hers alone. Couldn't it be said that would apply if the baby were to take his name? In fact, with this mentality does this mean if you take your husbands last name he has claimed you as his?
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Couldn't it be said that would apply if the baby were to take his name? In fact, with this mentality does this mean if you take your husbands last name he has claimed you as his? I'm not saying that's what I think. I'm saying that's probably how he feels. Logic and rationality don't really enter into it. As to taking his name at marriage, she's a grown woman and can make that choice for herself. He didn't seem to have any objections to her keeping her name. However, now she is also making that choice for their child without taking his feelings into account at all. In any case, my proposed solution is a hyphenated name, not that the baby take only his name or her name.
Author superconductor Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 Why is he so concerned about the baby having the mothers last name? ... I don't see why this would cause too many dramas, especially in this day and age. It's not the type of drama that has ever come up before. Previous to her recent change of heart, she was perfectly OK with the child having her husband's last name. He's not that traditional in the classical sense, but this is one element he just can't seem to handle. And if she's changed her mind about something that they had already discussed, something so fundamental about raising a family, what else is she going to change her mind on? That's why there was the discussion about possible hormonal changes in his wife causing her to become a little, uh, erratic and adamant about the whole thing. Who knows? Maybe once the little one is born, everything will settle down. Then again, maybe not...
Pink Amulet Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 If this is the extent of their marital troubles, I say, lucky them. I am sure they will come to some agreement later on... It's nice to see such concern from a friend though!
Darkwall Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Some might believe a name is just a name, maybe so. But, this name lives with you forever. If they can agree to have different last names as a married couple than they should agree that that same married couple made a baby who needs a name. A name that reflects the people who made it (the baby). If they can't agree... I say the only FAIR choice would be to hyphenate.
Pink Amulet Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Depending on the length of given lasts names, a hyphenated last name could make this childs life hell.
Darkwall Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 There is a lot to be said about a name. Some believe it's just a name. I believe it stays with you forever, so choose wisely. While it's cool both parents maintained their own names it's not cool to take away from both contributing donors. I say hyphenate. That's the FAIR thing to do.
HokeyReligions Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Could they have his last name as the baby's middle name? That's a tought situation.
Quinch Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 If there's no other way, he could change his surname to hers (?) It's not worth falling out over something like this. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet
burning 4 revenge Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 If there's no other way, he could change his surname to hers (?) It's not worth falling out over something like this. A rose by any other name would smell as sweet some of us would rather die
a4a Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Maybe the wife who kept her last name thinks since she is the one with the child inside of her and will go through the pain of the birth and such she has the need to give the child her name alone?
Author superconductor Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 Maybe the wife who kept her last name thinks since she is the one with the child inside of her and will go through the pain of the birth and such she has the need to give the child her name alone? Beats me. For all I know, she's doing it out of some misaligned spite, or some radical feminazi behaviour she's picked up along the way. Haven't spoken to my buddy in a couple of days, but I'll probably see him tomorrow and pass along the suggestions and see what happens.
blind_otter Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Is she from a different culture? Not all cultures insist that children have their father's last name. It's amazing to me how people think this Giving babies the father's last name is gospel when it's just a tradition. It's leftover from the days when we were not sure of paternity. It was to mark the child as having that particular father, since no one could ever really be sure back then.
a4a Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Beats me. For all I know, she's doing it out of some misaligned spite, or some radical feminazi behaviour she's picked up along the way. Haven't spoken to my buddy in a couple of days, but I'll probably see him tomorrow and pass along the suggestions and see what happens. Perhaps for some reason that we just cannot grasp it is important to her.... not out of spite, not radical, just something she really desires. One could say that the husband is stubborn and is set in traditional ways attempting to claim ownership/property rights on this female child as well...... as a matter a fact I think a great new trend would be to give male childern the fathers surname and female children the mothers. How is that for a suggestion
norajane Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 I still think he must have some awful last name that his wife wants no part of. He's not named Joe Hitler, is he? Or Joe Pickshisnose? Or Joe Schlundtencundt?
Author superconductor Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 I still think he must have some awful last name that his wife wants no part of. He's not named Joe Hitler, is he? Or Joe Pickshisnose? Or Joe Schlundtencundt? Manfred Weinerschleiden Actually, both they both have pretty standard WASP-ish names. I won't divulge them here, but the names aren't uncommon in any North American phone book.
Author superconductor Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 ...as a matter a fact I think a great new trend would be to give male childern the fathers surname and female children the mothers. How is that for a suggestion Sure, that's fine until mum wants to take her son, or the father his daughter, across any border.
Author superconductor Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 OK, I finally got the rest of the story through my buddy's wife directly. It turns out that one of her friends is one of those raving feminazi types who insists that all males should be castrated at birth, or launched to the moon or whatever, with a few small exceptions so guys can kill bugs, take out the garbage and supply women with expensive gifts. She got this idea from this so-called friend. Regardless, she's changed her mind (again) and now has decided that it's OK if the baby has her dad's last name. Her surname will be the child's middle name.
Buttaflyy Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 OK, I finally got the rest of the story through my buddy's wife directly. It turns out that one of her friends is one of those raving feminazi types who insists that all males should be castrated at birth, or launched to the moon or whatever, with a few small exceptions so guys can kill bugs, take out the garbage and supply women with expensive gifts. She got this idea from this so-called friend. Regardless, she's changed her mind (again) and now has decided that it's OK if the baby has her dad's last name. Her surname will be the child's middle name. Glad that worked out! It seems like a battle for him to fight and win to me. It's the childs birth right as well as the father's. If you decide as a mother to change this, I'd suggest mentioning this before you are pregnant.
Author superconductor Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 Baby Felicia was born, pink and wriggling and squawking up a storm, yesterday afternoon. She decided to come a bit early but not too early to be dangerous. The first thing she did after coming out of the 'chute was pee. "Well," the doc said, "that works!" Mum and baby are doing fine. Dad's an exhausted wreck, but happy. Care for a cigar?
Buttaflyy Posted August 9, 2006 Posted August 9, 2006 Baby Felicia was born, pink and wriggling and squawking up a storm, yesterday afternoon. She decided to come a bit early but not too early to be dangerous. The first thing she did after coming out of the 'chute was pee. "Well," the doc said, "that works!" Mum and baby are doing fine. Dad's an exhausted wreck, but happy. Care for a cigar? Congrats to the new family! I'll smoke one for ya!
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