lovelylady1234 Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 I cheated a couple of year before we got married and he's held it over my head once or twice a year since and this was 8 years ago. We recently started having similar problems with each other like we did 8 years ago and he keeps mentioning he feels like he did 8 years ago and it's driving me crazy. I feel like he's pushing me to cheat. I have been completly faithful for 8 years, but I have been noticing other men and I don't like it, but is infidelity ever forgiven or are people who are cheated on's memories forgiven but not forgotten. It kind of feels like if he didn't really forgive me or if he's expecting me to cheat then why not?
laRubiaBonita Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 I cheated a couple of year before we got married and he's held it over my head once or twice a year since and this was 8 years ago. We recently started having similar problems with each other like we did 8 years ago and he keeps mentioning he feels like he did 8 years ago and it's driving me crazy. I feel like he's pushing me to cheat. I have been completly faithful for 8 years, but I have been noticing other men and I don't like it, but is infidelity ever forgiven or are people who are cheated on's memories forgiven but not forgotten. It kind of feels like if he didn't really forgive me or if he's expecting me to cheat then why not? what is going on that he feels "this way" again?
P1xie Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 but is infidelity ever forgiven or are people who are cheated on's memories forgiven but not forgotten. I agree with that. You can "Forgive", (I tend think it's more like move on, or let go than actually forgiving) but you can never forget. I doubt if there is one person that has been cheated on in the past that stayed with their SO has in their anew forgiveness never brought up the issue again or threw it in their faces.
ThumbingMyWay Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 so you post about have a an itch to scratch with your crush... you post about your H bringing back anger about your past infidelity... and you post about swinging... you are in a very confused state....in a "fog" as they say. I think you and your H need to sit down and have an extreme heart to heart talk about what you want in a marriage relationship and your future.....
Author lovelylady1234 Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 what is going on that he feels "this way" again? because he comes from a family that stayed home all the time and were up each others butt's and not happy but they stayed married (with the help of antideppressants) I am a very outgoing person and I am not willing to sacrifice that for anything, over the past few years I have quelched myself and stayed home. Over the last year I have been pursuing hobbies and just plain old shopping and going out to eat with family and friends, but at least it gets me out of the house. first, He said "do what you want but don't be disappointed if I don't include myself". Now it's becoming " I want to stay home all the time, and I want you to stay home too." Even if we are not doing ANYTHING together he just wants me home. It's so frustrating and I feel he thinks I am "changing" but I think he has a short memory.
Author lovelylady1234 Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 so you post about have a an itch to scratch with your crush... you post about your H bringing back anger about your past infidelity... and you post about swinging... you are in a very confused state....in a "fog" as they say. I think you and your H need to sit down and have an extreme heart to heart talk about what you want in a marriage relationship and your future..... the swinging post was more of a curiosity than something I would act on, I just wanted to see how people would respond or did respond, for not only me but my friend who is starting to do it. We are becoming close and I wanted to offer any advice I may get from this board. A fog is exactly what I feel like. I feel like I am searching for a RIGHT answer, but I don't know the question. My husband is so ready for all or nothing I feel a "heart to heart" right now would hurt us. Everytime we argue he says "I can't take the fighting anymore" then we end up arguing in a circle and then making up. I am physically ill over this whole thing and I have no one to talk to that's why I came here.
ThumbingMyWay Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 A fog is exactly what I feel like. I feel like I am searching for a RIGHT answer, but I don't know the question. My husband is so ready for all or nothing I feel a "heart to heart" right now would hurt us. Everytime we argue he says "I can't take the fighting anymore" then we end up arguing in a circle and then making up. I am physically ill over this whole thing and I have no one to talk to that's why I came here. your answer comes from within....took me 2 years to figure that out.... and you cannot keep going the way your are going....its as you say...circular....good...to OK...to bad...to OK...to good, so on and so on. sooner or later you BOTH need to come to the realization that you MUST communicate ALL you inner feelings to become complete with each other again. for my wife and I it took her affair to make us SEE again...... suxed for both of us...but helped US find each other again....but it still suxed to feel betrayed.... stay here a while....there are some great people here that will help you to get back on track...
mrnobody Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 last year....after a grand 14 year relationship with a woman I met after my divorce in 1991....I had an affair with one of her hairstylist and I regret that I did. It happened fast and did not take but a few days along with some inspired sex that the both of us agreed to TRY and enjoy if nothing else. I told this woman that I was simply doing it for the sex and at the time she also agreed it was for that purpose only. Well ....afterwards I felt too guilty to keep it from my girlfriend.... I dumped my guts to her. The 'hairstylist' ran home and bragged to her husband that she had just had sex with me and purposely explained the entire episode to him just to piss him off. (well planned on her part) I might add. She wanted out of her marriage and was just looking for a 'scapegoat'...(namely me) Anyhow, I have been trying to patch things up with this woman I care about for over a year now......she claims to 'forgive' but she can't condone what I did to her because her husband of 26 years also did this to her. When I met her...we fell in love and I was her 'saviour'. for lack of a better meaning...... & for the most part, after our meeting....I did practically everything for her a man could possibly do for a woman... remodeled her home....helped her with her auto, yardwork...bought appliances for her....nice gifts...you name it ...I did it for her. There was nothing I wasn't glad to do for this woman. Including her her 2 older sons with anything they asked me to help with. I listen to her now ....tell me that she forgives me but can't 'forget'. She knows me well enough that I would NEVER repeat this mistake but up until now ,she refuses to consider getting back together at this point in time. (she's very old fashioned and stubborn to boot) and practically hates when I try to talk to her about it. She is not without mistakes though.....she has done things over the years that didn't sit right with me and I allowed them to pass without dwelling on them. I was always given what she would call.....'good and innocent' REASONS FOR HER ACTIONS -- none of which were intended to be 'infedelity' in any way shape or form.(so she claims)..but none the less bothered me and at times seemed very much like adultry to me and could possibly have been from my veiwpoint. I disagree with her judgement somewhat.....I loved her and always gave her the benefit of the doubt. And this is what I don't understand.......I've been told there's always a reason a person cheats....some 'form' of minor or major unhappinesss or lack of contententment that drives them to even consider it. Well , somebody got to me and I did the dirty "act"......I never meant for it to happen...it just was too hard to pass up at that given time and we both seemded to need another form of affection or something. But the pain over the last year of losing this woman has been more unbearable than anything I have had to deal with. ....Thru discussions with her....I told her I must have had a hidden or unconcious reason for my actions.....none of which she will even consider being responsible for. Although I see she finds it "easy" to blame me and only me. I know how much I hurt her but I cannot get her to understand that it happened not because I didn't love her.......but in fact was reaching out to the only person that would listen to my problems at the time. (the sex was a temporary fix at best) for what bothered me at that given moment. So forgiving is ONE thing....with a woman....I can testify that 'forgetting' they will almost never do..specially the 2nd time around....I DO pray that someday she'll realize that I have waited for 14 years for her (hand and foot) and I really loved her and wanted us to become 'one' and live together and also own our own home. Which I always mentioned wanting. We always 'talked' about these items but they never seemed to transpire for all kinds of meaningless reasons. How long was I to wait? I tried telling her this many times.....she always told me this..."eventually"...we will have all these things" but after 14 years....I watched everyone else getting married and living happily together....while I spent my evenings AT her HOUSE then going home each night to my own home.......to sleep. I can't explain the hurt I caused her and how I hurt myself now....but asking a woman to 'forget'.....I'm beginning to learn IS IMPOSSIBLE.....but sometimes....I feel she may never really wanted my dreams all along......after all HOW long does a man have to wait for his dreams and how long do you have to GIVE to them before they realize you love them dearly enough to do anything for them? Procrastinating ....never solved anything in my book and that's what she seemed to be best at........ANAL maybe because of her failed marriage? I'm seeking answers also! I still love her dearly like no other.....and it hurts. (badly) hope this helps
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