mayadown7 Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 My husband of six years just told me that he had a one night stand with a woman who used to work at his office. He had the affair in June and did not tell me about until August 1st. I was in total shock. His reason was sex. He and I do not have a very fulfilling sex life- due to my disinterest in sex. He said he felt incredibly guilty about it. He admits that he is attracted to women from time to time but that he never acted on it until he felt he could no longer hold out. I'm not so angry about the affair- but I'm really angry that he waited a whole month and a half (and took me on vacation) before telling me. I would have hoped that he felt so guilty after doing it that he would come straight home to tell me about it. I said that the only way I would get over it is if I too could have a one night stand. He reluctantly agreed because a. he either doesn't care what I do or b. he thinks that is the only way to get through this and stay married. I also made an appointment for him to get checked for STD and I made a marriage counseling appointment. I really think/feel that he loves me. He said he wants to stay married and faithful and happy-but he also wants a healthy sex life with his wife. I believe him. We have two beautiful, happy and healthy children. Breaking the family up is the last thing I want to do. I love my husband and realize we have issued to work through. I want to know what the chances are of us repeating this pattern. He cheats so I feel I have to cheat too. I don't want to go through it again. More than breaking my heart- he broke my trust. Has anyone gone through a similar experience-any advice would be helpful.
JackJack Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 2 wrongs doesn't make a right. So I would hope that you do not pursue wanting to have an affair just becasue he did. He may tell you he doesn't mind that you have one just to justify what it is he has done. Sounds like marriage counseling is a good plan. Trust can be rebuilt, but it will take time.
UnknowingOW Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Yes you can re-establish trust, and it will take time. The only reason it took him time to tell you was he needed to digest his actions, and find the most appropriate way/time to keep honesty in your marriage. This was a huge step for him and you. He could have never told you and continued in the A. For him to come clean it means he has honor in his marriage. He may have slipped, but he couldn't hold back the truth from you. You husband is wanting the marriage and you. You have just learned you cannot trust blindly...anyone. And going out to gain vengence is not going to help you in any way. It will only make you feel worse then you already do. Do not act negatively. Think of your children, but most importantly what would it do to your own self-worth and morals? You husband is opening himself up to you...a complete open book. He's telling you what he's done and what he needs to make this work. It's your turn now. What are you prepared to do for him and your marriage? PS the one night stand is NOT the answer.
whichwayisup Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Marriage counselling. This is crucial right now and you two must learn to open up and talk, listen to eachother. Both of you are neglecting eachother's needs, and both of you need to step up to the plate and FIX things before you end up divorced.
Author mayadown7 Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 Thanks for the advice. I actually feel better. I don't think I will go through with the one night thing- I would just feel terrible. I agree- it will take time and effort to built a better marriage and establish trust. I'm glad I'm not alone out there.
Guest Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 It took my husband over two years to reveal his affair to me. Good grief I think a month and a half is record time. The fact that you would have expected him to come right home and confess is unrealistic. Very unrealistic. The fact that you feel the only way to get over it is to drag yourself down to his level and have an affair is very immature. What is that going to prove? That is likely to end the marriage very quickly. He agreed to that out of guilt and pressure from you. He doesn't want that and if you really think about it, you are only seeking revenge and that will only make you feel as bad about yourself as he most like feels about himself right now. The fact that he came to you and told you willingly and on his own is a BIG DEAL. He is an honest man with morals and values. He owned what he did, RESPECTED you enough to tell you and wants to do what it takes to make the marriage work. What more do you want, his blood?? Ok, now the kicker, if you don't want your husband to go elsewhere for sex then have sex with him. If you have no sexual desire then go to a doctor and find out why and what to do about it. A married man has one outlet for his sexual drive and that is his wife, if his wife doesn't fulfill that need then he is going to find fulfillment elsewhere. It isn't moral, it isn't right, it isn't good for the marriage or the children, but it is a fact that if a wife refuses to have a good sexual relationship with her husband, someone else will. So you are blaming him 100% for the affair, but my friend, you are to blame as well and now your solution is to go out and have and affair as well. That is childish. Instead you should be accepting your husbands apology, working or forgiveness, going to marriage counseling, seeing a doctor and looking inwardly at your fault in this affair. Some people think affairs take two, but I think often times they take three and you are the third party in this situation that needs to be responsible for your share of the "blame" being thrown around by you. I am sorry this happened to you, I know how it hurts and I would be lying if I said I didn't consider having a retalitation affair, but it was only a fleeting thought, I knew I would never lower myself to that! Sorry if I seem harsh, but your post just seemed selfish on your part and I think you need to look at yourself a little instead of putting all the blame on everyone else.
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