EndoftheRope Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Surely I can't be the only one who has ever felt this way on realizing the depth of lies and deception. One of the reasons I especially want to retaliate is his idiotic insistance that none of this is that big a deal. I could be forgiving so much more easily if he'd acknowledge the depth and seriousness of the things he's done, and if doing it right back is what it takes to get him to admit it, then so be it. I keep reminding myself I don't want my children to EVER have the sad story of two parents BOTH getting down in the mud at the same level. I want to keep my own self respect and my children's respect. (Honestly, I think my parents and sisters have had it with him and would hardly blame me, but children do not see it that way and I don't feel I can raise good kids if they have no respect for me.) I keep reminding myself I may feel differently down the road and don't want to have to hide and lie as he is doing. I don't want to feel guilt and shame. I don't want to spend my life worrying about him finding out (if we reach a point where I suddenly DON'T want him to know, rather than wanting to rub his nose in it.) I'm trying to think at the end of my life how I will view all this, and the actions I take today. Yet, I'm also desperate for some emotional connection with a man. Yes, I'm sure I sound like a horrible person, but it turns out, all these years I thought my husband was some sort of emotion-less robot, it's just that he was giving it all to her. Thoughts? Stories? Encouragement to do the right thing? Help in getting over this feeling and desire permanently? Thank you.
blind_otter Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 The urge to strike out in retaliation when we are hurt is false logic, the child part of your psyche acting out. In reality, when you are angry, your anger is like a baby crying out for attention. You should attend to your anger. Breathe deeply. Take care of yourself, ease your own suffering. You cannot ease your suffering by hurting someone else. This will only complicate the situation and increase the suffering of all those around you. It is difficult to discipline the child within you and force yourself to feel compassion for your own suffering instead of externalizing and acting out. It helps to have compassion for the other person on some level. Understand that they operate from a very limited and damaged view of the world, and that their inability to share love and compassion with all those around them will ultimately make them very sad, lonely, angry people who have been abandoned by those who used to love them because they did not know how to cultivate and care for the love they were given. But that usually happens at a later stage in the game. When you have watered and tended to the seed of anger for too long it can take a while to get rid of that weed. Be gentle with yourself.
silktricks Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Whether you've decided to stay with him or leave him, either way, revenge is not the answer. It would only sully your own opinion of yourself. The person you look at in the mirror is the one you have to live with, and not wanting a mirror in your home is not a good thing. I've always (well, maybe not always, but for a long time now) really enjoyed the saying "the best revenge is living well". Live well for yourself and your kids. With time you may be able to forgive him, but on the other hand, you may not want to. Follow your heart. The only other thing I can suggest, is don't jump the gun in any direction. Distance helps you gain perspective. It's really difficult to see the whole picture when your nose is up against the screen. So give it a little time to make sure that any decisions you make are made with the whole picture in mind, but just the little tiny bit you can see an inch in front of your eye.
portableversion Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Revenge indeed is sweet. I've exacted it a few times in my life...and i have never regretted it. EVER!
P1xie Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Revenge is sweet but NEVER COMPLETE! Two wrongs don't make a right and it's not going to change anything but make you feel miserable for stooping down to levels you normally wouldn't.
jonesgirly Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 If you were to retaliate with an affair, and assuming your H found out, everything that was 'wrong' in your marriage would become YOUR fault. Oh, he would broadcast to the WORLD what a cheating, lying, cheap whore his wife is! Trust me, you: A) Don't need to do that to yourself. If its not in you, its not in you. B) Don't give him even the suspicion that you are above reproach and C) It wouldn't be a genuine attraction to another anyway, at least one that would rip you away from your marriage, right? All in all, its much easier to sleep at night knowing that you are "yourself." Regardless of how much pain you'd like to inflict in retaliation, it really wouldn't "even the score" anyway. It wouldn't diminish yours AT ALL! A retaliatory affair does not 'erase' what your H has done. He seems like the type to look for 'reasons' or 'justificiation'. DON'T give him that! (especially when its NOT really something you WANT to do anyway) A lot of of BS's go through this in some form or another. Its natural to want to strike back when we've been wounded by our loved ones. Its not unusual for it to happen, but I'd like to hope that maybe you would NOT demean yourself in this way. I would rather be able to walk down Main Street with my head held high, than have to duck into stores if I saw someone who "knew" about me.
reservoirdog1 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I sowed my oats a lot after finding out that WXW was a serial cheat. But, I waited until after we'd separated (after she gave up on the brief attempt at reconciliation). My first bout of "oat sowing" happened the very night after I moved out. I sh*t you not. And you know what? It felt righteous. I was able to walk out of that marriage knowing that, whatever my shortcomings, I'd kept my side of the bargain right up to the end. I don't regret what I did and I doubt I ever will. And it STILL felt like I got the revenge that I, like you, wanted. There's a lot to be said for being able to sleep at night, knowing that you've done the right thing.
jonesgirly Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 There's a lot to be said for being able to sleep at night, knowing that you've done the right thing. Yeah..what he said.
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