almostthere Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 I have noticed in my relationship that my bf babysteps around his exw. i couldnt meet the kids until she was ready. he has to run to her house every thursday to drop off a money order for child support right after work. the kids cannot be dropped off to just me. we cant mail a money order much less mail a check for support payments. And the list goes on and on. So finally last night after asking him if he was going to discuss something with her about back child support I asked him if he could let her know we were going to start mailing the child support checks instead of him driving them out to her once a week. he told me babysteps. He wastes 45 mintues a week driving this money order out to her. Even if he gets off of work at 12 am or later he still has to drive it out there. i am tired of losing this time with him because he has been working 70 - 80 hours a week. So i told him last night i said youd rather not upset her but make me mad? i told him this relationship is between me and him not him and her so therefore he needs to start worrying about the way i feel not just her. He doesnt want the argument from her even though this is causing arguments between him and i. Why is he doing this? do all guys have the same thought process of my exh? my bf sure does. my exh used to say that out of everyone he would rahte rupset me then to upset anyone else because he knows that i will forgive him. guess he was wrong...i divorced him!! Any advice on why he feels it is necessary to babystep with her?
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 The only thing I can think of is if she is holding visitation rights over his head. But that should have been something that was worked out during their divorce by the court, so she really can't deny him his visitation rights. As for the checks, mailing them should be fine, though why is it weekly? Can't he do it monthly? How long have you and he been together? If it's a new relationship, maybe he's just not getting it through his head that his relationship with you deserves more consideration than he's giving it...or that it could cause you to leave him because you feel you are in second place to his exW.
Author almostthere Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 Well he has to do it weekly because their divorce papers state every week. She only threatened custody for the first week we were together And we have been together officially since 9/4 of 2005 so almost a year but have been dating since april of 2005 so a year and a half. and he is still doing it. i dont understand why he would sacrifice our relationship or happiness and comfort in our relationship just to avoid an argument with her. granted we dont argue and i try to mind my own business when he starts doing this but for the past 2 months i have been finding myself upset about it and saying little things like will you please start mailing the checks soon? then finally we argued about it 2 weeks ago. so i think i may just start to let him know exactly how it makes me feel instead of telling myself that time will make this pass. i am tired of waiting. this has been gong on since april (5 months). We are living together so i feel that i have a little more right to state my side then i did when we were just gf and bf. we arent married and wont become married for at least 8 years. financial aid reasons for my college education but we talk of getting engaged all the time. he tells me all this sweet stuff all the time about how he has never felt like this and how happy he is and he shows it too so i know its not just all talk. his best friend tells me how happy my bf is so that shows he is talking about me positively to his friends. so i believe when he says that but i dont understand why he puts me through this stress. Then after discussing all that with his exw last night he calls me and says thank you. i said why? and he said because he got into a huge argument with her because he asked her what i wanted him to talk to her about. i dont see this as my fault. i am trying to safegaurd us and give us more time together. how is it my fault that i am trying to clean up the mess he has made of his life before me? i kept telling him...she isnt my exw. I didnt make the decision to marry her and if it wasnt for him she wouldnt even be in my life as I did not know either of them when they were married. it just really bothers me ya know? makes me feel that my feelings arent as important.
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Why is he so afraid of arguments with his exW? Is he equally afraid of arguments with other people, or just with her? What does she do during arguments that is so upsetting to him? I think you have every right to ask for consideration of your feelings, particularly when his ex is being ultra-unreasonable in demanding that he drive over there with the check. Maybe you are being too easy-going. Maybe you should start big arguments and he can decided which he'd prefer - an occasional screaming match with his ex, or a very cold home with you.
Fritz Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Welcome to the world of living with folks who are divorced with kids. Perhaps you'll learn that the woman tends to have a legal/emotional edge over the man. I'd recommend that if he mails it (which is reasonable, driving it there isn't but hey... its her power trip and his likely folly/requirement to get along to keep visitation at regular intervals), is to mail it certified and to keep detailed records of the payments.
suchislife Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 He can set up an electronic transfer from his checking account to hers. You might as well make up your mind right now that you will have to have a lot of patience until this situation evolves into something more comfortable. It will. Believe it or not, it's still "new", even if it isn't. Change for some people is hard, and it sounds to me like there are some control issues. But, if you want the relationship you will have to work at it. Good luck!
Author almostthere Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 He doesnt argue with anyone else. he says he doesnt like to argue. we all say that. the problem is is that he takes it to extremes like these. he hates when i am mad at him. even if i dont say anything about being mad he knows. i dont talk to the person much when i am mad at them. i dont mean to make it obvious but even when i am faking everything is ok...he still knows. I think its all a control issue on her part too. she wanted him back and made it obvious the first 7 months of our relationship. maybe she still feels like he cares since he is still running a check out there every thursday. even if he isnt saying anything to her but hi and by. all i know is at this point i have invested way too much thinking time in this relationship. they (him and his exw) have made it really hard just to have a normal relationship. I am divorced with two kids too and me and my ex get along great with this coparenting thing and havent argued in 2 years. No, one year but it was short and we resolved it within 15 minutes. I guess thats what happens when your exwife moves out and you start dating someone new 4 months later. I just found that out last night. that would explain a ton of her emotions on us being together. I was told they were divorced for a year before we met. it was a year but they were still living together til 4 months before we met. doesnt matter anymore. that was a year and a half ago. how can i get mad about it now? besides we were just friends and dating (no sex at all) from that april to sept, so about 6 months. so i cant get mad. however, had i known at that time i would have never decided to start dating him so soon after his exwife moved out. oh well...cant go back in time.
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