Rejecting marriage proposals

[soberminded]

I guess the reasons I rejected her don't matter does it? You outta give me the benefit of the doubt and at least consider that maybe I did have a good reason to say no since you know very little about her character. All you know is that she proposed and I said no.

 

I told her I didn't want to get married as soon as she asked me and not a second before or a second after that. I was being honest and she did not appreciate my honesty. It does not seem to matter whether I tell the truth or not because the truth hurts.

 

I didn't say I was a decent man nor did I say I wasn't. I said that if the situation were reversed where I did the proposing and got rejected I would question what is wrong with me. There seems to be a double standard here.

 

The women on this board would agree that there is probably something wrong with me if a woman turns down my marriage proposal. But if I'm the one who's turning down a marriage proposal then the women here still think there's something wrong with me.

 

So according to walk's view I'm at fault whether I'm the one doing the rejecting or the one getting rejected. You all seem to think that she is completely innocent and is at 0% fault for the breakup.

 

You don't know the whole situation behind what was going on in the relationship before she proposed to me. You are posting your bias and jumping to your own conclusion before hearing all the facts.

[soberminded]

If you're a decent man then why are you so afraid to take that step??

 

 

 

If I was not a decent man then why would she bother to bring up the topic of marrying me in the first place let alone propose? See I don't believe my decency is based on my willingness or unwillingness to get married.

 

There's plenty of jerks and abusive men on this planet who are eager to get married. They get married for the purpose of controlling their wives. Are they decent men just because they are willing to get married? I may be commitmentphobic but at least no woman has to worry about me being a wife beater or posessive.

 

At least I can say that I did not control my ex girlfriend. I supported her being an independent woman and having her own separate life outside the relationship. If anything she was the one who wanted control over me by making that proposal. And when she didn't get the control over me that she wanted she cut me off. A marriage is a trap. I don't want to have to answer to any woman.

 

I'm smart enough to count the cost. If I got married that means I would have to get her permission to go out and play golf with my buddies. I would have to get her permission to do alot of things. I'm not about to let some woman put restrictions on my lifestyle and that's exactly what marriage does.

 

I am amazed how many women on this board condoned my ex's willingness to control me with a marriage proposal and then condone her actions to walk out just because she didn't get the control over me that she wanted.

 

She can have whoever she wants. Good luck if she finds a man who is stupid enough to give her control over his life by marrying her. I feel sorry for any man out there who decides to get married and is therefore dooped into giving a woman power and control over him.

 

I tell other men this: If you want to be your own person then don't get married. If you are turned on by a woman having control over you and putting restrictions on you and keeping tabs on you then by all means get married.

[norajane]

Your post totally has nothing to do with why she wouldn't be friends with you after you rejected her proposal.

I guess the reasons I rejected her don't matter does it? You outta give me the benefit of the doubt and at least consider that maybe I did have a good reason to say no since you know very little about her character. All you know is that she proposed and I said no.

The reasons you rejected her make absolutely no difference to whether she would want to be friends with you after rejecting her proposal. The bottom line is it doesn't matter why you rejected her. All that matters to her is that you didn't want to marry her. Friendship is optional and she chose not to stay friends. Most women would do the same regardless of WHY or anything about character, hers or yours.

 

I told her I didn't want to get married as soon as she asked me and not a second before or a second after that. I was being honest and she did not appreciate my honesty. It does not seem to matter whether I tell the truth or not because the truth hurts.

Being honest in your response to a proposal is no more and no less than what anyone should do when someone proposes. You don't deserve a medal for that. Had you told her in the beginning of your relationship that you had absolutely no intention of getting married ever (if that's what you were thinking), that would have been more honest and would have spared her from falling in love with you when she could have been falling in love with someone open to the idea of commitment and marriage. That could be why she didn't seem to appreciate your 'honesty' when she proposed. If you had no intention of committing to anyone, you need to tell women that long before a proposal is imminent.

The women on this board would agree that there is probably something wrong with me if a woman turns down my marriage proposal. But if I'm the one who's turning down a marriage proposal then the women here still think there's something wrong with me.

More likely than questioning what's wrong with her, she's thinking YOU thought there was something wrong with her which is why YOU didn't want to marry her. If she thinks YOU think there's something wrong with her, she's not going to be particularly interested in being your friend...why would she?

So according to walk's view I'm at fault whether I'm the one doing the rejecting or the one getting rejected. You all seem to think that she is completely innocent and is at 0% fault for the breakup.

 

You don't know the whole situation behind what was going on in the relationship before she proposed to me. You are posting your bias and jumping to your own conclusion before hearing all the facts.

I didn't read Walk's post as saying anything of the kind. She did not address whose fault the break-up was! She was asking why you are so into the idea of keeping this woman's attention after you told her you didn't want to marry her.

 

It makes absolutely no difference who's fault it is that a relationship ends when it comes to deciding if one or the other wants to stay friends. No one is obligated to stay friends with anyone, ever. Friendship is a choice. It matters not at all what the situation was before she proposed.

[soberminded]

And nobody is obligated to marry anyone either. But it seems to me you would not tell my ex this if she were on this board somewhere complaining that I rejected her. Instead you would feed her with sympathy. Double standard here. You would not tell her that I was under no obligation to marry her. Why do women get cut more slack than the men?

[norajane]

And nobody is obligated to marry anyone either. But it seems to me you would not tell my ex this if she were on this board somewhere complaining that I rejected her. Instead you would feed her with sympathy. Double standard here. You would not tell her that I was under no obligation to marry her. Why do women get cut more slack than the men?

 

I don't see the double standard if we console her because she was rejected.

 

If SHE had rejected your proposal and you were posting because you were hurt, we WOULD be consoling you and probably telling you to forget her and to move on to someone who is open to marriage.

 

If she rejected your proposal and were whining about why you didn't want to be her friend anymore, we would be telling her the exact same thing we're telling you.

[soberminded]

I don't see the double standard if we console her because she was rejected.

 

If SHE had rejected your proposal and you were posting because you were hurt, we WOULD be consoling you and probably telling you to forget her and to move on to someone who is open to marriage.

 

If she rejected your proposal and were whining about why you didn't want to be her friend anymore, we would be telling her the exact same thing we're telling you.

 

 

It's a double standard because while it is true that nobody is obligated to be friends, it's also true that nobody is obligated to marry you. Women who have this attitude of entitlement turn me off 100%. Alot of women walk around with the mindset that men owe them something. Well if she doesn't owe me anything then I don't owe her anything.

 

By the way there was no reason for me to bring up the topic of how I feel about marriage early on in a relationship. I assume that if a woman feels that it's an important issue she will ask me early on if I ever have plans to get married. She won't wait until we are 2 or 3 years into the relationship.

 

The point was there were 2 rejections that took place here. I rejected her proposal of marriage and she rejected my proposal of friendship. Both rejections are just as bad and nobody had an obligation to accept either proposal. So you can't say that I'm wrong to reject her but that she's right to reject me. In this case niether one of us is right or wrong.

 

I seriously doubt any woman here would console me if I proposed marriage and got rejected. No I would be attacked with questions on how I treated her in the relationship. I would be questioned on what I have to offer a woman. You would question whether or not I should be in a relationship if a woman rejected me because afterall she rejected me for a reason.

[insomnie]

The point was there were 2 rejections that took place here. I rejected her proposal of marriage and she rejected my proposal of friendship. Both rejections are just as bad and nobody had an obligation to accept either proposal. So you can't say that I'm wrong to reject her but that she's right to reject me. In this case niether one of us is right or wrong.

 

 

 

This is very true, there were two rejections that took place, and you are right that nobody owes anybody anything as far as marriage and friendship goes (I think this is what some posters have been trying to get across to you.) But, no one here is telling you that either of you were right or wrong, or that you did anything "bad" by rejecting her proposal.

 

What everyone is trying to figure out is why this fixation on a woman you don't want to be with.

[Walk]

I guess the reasons I rejected her don't matter does it?

Nope. If you want, I'll make up a story.. "She's a 32 year old ex prostitute, that still did tricks on the side but never told you. She gave you 17 different STD's and a hernia when she asked you to do that one special trick she used to love."

 

I don't care.

 

You rejected her for good reason is what I assumed. I believed you had a throughly capable and highly intellectual mind that was used to make a good decision on how to live your life.

 

What I don't understand is why you give a rip why she doesn't want to be your friend now. Just move on... drop it... You didn't want her in your life.. she doesn't want you in hers. Problem solved. Move on.

 

I told her I didn't want to get married as soon as she asked me and not a second before or a second after that. I was being honest and she did not appreciate my honesty. It does not seem to matter whether I tell the truth or not because the truth hurts.

 

You gave a false impression. You led her on.

General consensus is:

Succesful serious relationship = marriage.

 

 

Next time, YOU take responsibility and inform these women you date up front.

 

Omission is lying. You led them to believe that marriage was a possibility in the future. If you want a person to accept you for who you are, then its your responsibility to inform the people you date about your views and beliefs. If you imply through omission that you are open to marriage, then you have no right to get upset that these women no longer want anything to do with you when they find out they've been led on because you were too wussy to tell them the truth up front.

 

Were you scared they wouldnt' date you if you told them? Scared you'd be left alone? You'd rather continue a charade with them... then potentially be alone?

[Outcast]

I was being honest and she did not appreciate my honesty.

 

Honesty would have been telling her right up front that your view of marriage is that it is an institution created by women to control men and that you have zero intention of ever being controlled that way. And then taking the consequences. To pretend otherwise is to be dishonest. Period.

[soberminded]

I don't see omission as lying. I don't reveal what my beliefs are unless I'm asked. It's part of good manners. I assume that if I'm not asked then the issue must not be that important for them to care about what I believe.

[soberminded]

Nope. If you want, I'll make up a story.. "She's a 32 year old ex prostitute, that still did tricks on the side but never told you. She gave you 17 different STD's and a hernia when she asked you to do that one special trick she used to love."

 

I don't care.

 

You rejected her for good reason is what I assumed. I believed you had a throughly capable and highly intellectual mind that was used to make a good decision on how to live your life.

 

What I don't understand is why you give a rip why she doesn't want to be your friend now. Just move on... drop it... You didn't want her in your life.. she doesn't want you in hers. Problem solved. Move on.

 

 

 

You gave a false impression. You led her on.

General consensus is:

Succesful serious relationship = marriage.

 

 

Next time, YOU take responsibility and inform these women you date up front.

 

Omission is lying. You led them to believe that marriage was a possibility in the future. If you want a person to accept you for who you are, then its your responsibility to inform the people you date about your views and beliefs. If you imply through omission that you are open to marriage, then you have no right to get upset that these women no longer want anything to do with you when they find out they've been led on because you were too wussy to tell them the truth up front.

 

Were you scared they wouldnt' date you if you told them? Scared you'd be left alone? You'd rather continue a charade with them... then potentially be alone?

 

 

No a successful serious relationship means a successful serious relationship and not marriage. It it paritially the woman's fault for reading into it and analyzing it to mean marriage. It doesn't necessarily have to lead to marriage. It is possible to have a serious relationship without getting married.

 

It is not my responsibility to make sure the women I date don't analyze the relationship. It was her analysis that got her in the position that she's in right now. I assume that if marriage is that important to them they would let me know in the beginning of the relationship.

 

So therefore it was her responsibility to make clear to me early on that she was serious about marriage and would not compromise for anything less. She has no right to get upset because I was not the one who proposed to her and led her on.

 

I could understand her getting upset if I promised marriage and then later went back on my word. But I'm not the one who made any promises.

 

As for wanting her in my life as a friend well I wonder sometimes if I did make a big mistake by saying no to her marriage proposal. I don't experience 1 single emotion all the time over a decision I make. I am naturally a little ambivilant. That's just the way I am. I'm always going to question whether I made the right decision.

[norajane]

As for wanting her in my life as a friend well I wonder sometimes if I did make a big mistake by saying no to her marriage proposal. I don't experience 1 single emotion all the time over a decision I make. I am naturally a little ambivilant. That's just the way I am. I'm always going to question whether I made the right decision.

 

1) If you truly believe that marriage is a way that women control men, then yes, you made the right decision. A successful marriage can only happen if both people see the benefits and aren't opposed to it on principle.

 

2) If you want her in your life to determine whether you made the right decision or not about marriage to her, that's not friendship.

[soberminded]

Well I think I know what to do in the future. I'll just continue to have long term relationships that don't last more than 2-3 years. It's been my experience that I can get away with getting the milk for free for a few years.

 

Then once they bring up the topic about marriage I'll just say no. If they don't bring it up then I see no reason why I should bring it up. According to my calculations I'll end up with 14 more girlfriends during my lifetime if each of them last 2-3 years.

[Walk]

Well I think I know what to do in the future. I'll just continue to have long term relationships that don't last more than 2-3 years. It's been my experience that I can get away with getting the milk for free for a few years.

 

Then once they bring up the topic about marriage I'll just say no. If they don't bring it up then I see no reason why I should bring it up. According to my calculations I'll end up with 14 more girlfriends during my lifetime if each of them last 2-3 years.

 

I really, really don't understand why you can't just tell women you date that you don't see marriage in your future.. up front. Maybe the 4th - 5th date. Lay your cards on the table up front. Chances are much higher that you'll find a woman who would accept this arrangement, or potentially be really happy to hear you say that.

 

I don't want to get married again. I'd be happy to stay in a long term dating relationship forever. I told my guy up front that I felt that way. From day one. He's a little disgruntled about it.. but he accepts it.

 

Not all women want marriage. Why not weed through the ones that do by being more open about your beliefs from the get go? Instead of spending 3 year stints in relationships that will end the moment a woman learns your true feelings toward marriage. You have a better chance of finding someone who's views are more like yours if you are upfront.

 

Why are you opposed to doing that?

 

p.s. I do agree with you about it being a 50/50 sharing of responsibility. The women in your life should have asked those questions at the beginning, if that is what they wanted in their lives. So Yes, you are correct.. they do share the blame in that.

[melodymatters]

Totally agree with WALK. Why set youself, or somone else you care about ( or hopefully you DO care, and aren't just in it for the "milk". Your'e not a sociopath are you ?) to get heartbroken after 2 to 3 yrs, when there ARE woman out there who are on your same page ????

 

I have found that casual conversation in the first few days/weeks/months, lets you know where your partner stands. Only a fruitcake would start asking about marriage on the first date, BUT, there is a weid cultural thing where something as important as somones life goals, like the wish to marry or have children is as verboten a topic of conversation as bestiality or the like ! " Do you like golf ?" "Do you smoke?" THESE can be discussed, but NOT lifechangers like " One of my biggest goals is to be a parent" or " I hate kids and never want any".

 

Stupid isn't it ?????

 

On our third date, my BF said "If I ever get married again I want it to be in church" ( as opposed to his one marriage yrs ago where it was a justice of the peace. THIS piece of information, led me to belive he DID belive in marriage. He also announed a 2007 wedding at a new years party and proposed a week later, but NOW says he doesn't belive in marriiage, so maybe it's all bull**** and a crap shoot, or maybe I'm just with somone who can't make a friggen decision.

[Outcast]

I really, really don't understand why you can't just tell women you date that you don't see marriage in your future.. up front.

 

He's already said it:

I can get away with getting the milk for free for a few years.

 

Be thankful I'm not a gypsy.

[Walk]

He's already said it:

 

 

Be thankful I'm not a gypsy.

 

Yeah... guess he did.

 

I'm starting to believe he is a sociopath. No remorse, no empathy, no compassion.. Makes it every one elses fault for why things went wrong. Her fault for not asking. Her fault he didn't want to get married. Her fault for not talking to him. Her fault for leaving him.

 

I think he just wants attention. Needs it. He's not here for advice, or suggestions, or even understanding a situation. *cough* **narcissist** *cough*

[blind_otter]

I don't see omission as lying. I don't reveal what my beliefs are unless I'm asked. It's part of good manners. I assume that if I'm not asked then the issue must not be that important for them to care about what I believe.

 

The phrase "lie of omission" most certainly does exist, whether you believe it's a lie or not.

 

But I still cannot understand why you think it's so awful that she didn't want to be your friend. You rejected her, she rejected you. Seems like you're both on equal footing.

 

Here's another analogy. Say she was interviewing for a job with a business, and you rejected her. Should she then continue to associating with the business, and hanging around trying to do work, even though she didn't get the job?

 

No.

 

And just because she wants marriage in her life doesn't make her a bad person. It just means she believes in something different. I personally won't ever get married again, but I can understand why OTHER PEOPLE may want that in their life!