Rejecting marriage proposals

[soberminded]

Maybe she doesn't like you any more and doesn't want to be your friend. What's the big deal? It seems really odd to be so fixated on making someone be your friend.

 

 

I'm just saying that I have not given her a good reason to not want to be friends anymore. It's not like I betrayed her or abused her or slandered her. I would say the same thing if one of my male friends all of a sudden did not want to talk to me anymore just because I didn't do something that he wanted.

 

To me that's real childish to cut someone off just because you didn't get what you wanted from them. Is that how you treat your friends? Just cut them out of your life if they don't do what you want?

[blind_otter]

I'm just saying that I have not given her a good reason to not want to be friends anymore. It's not like I betrayed her or abused her or slandered her. I would say the same thing if one of my male friends all of a sudden did not want to talk to me anymore just because I didn't do something that he wanted. To me that's real childish to cut someone off just because you didn't get what you wanted from them.

 

How do you know how she feels about you? You may have given her good reason. You have no idea and since you aren't in a relationship any more she has no reason to explain anything to you.

 

You don't have to be friends with someone just because they don't betray, abuse, or slander you! That's rich.

 

My feeling is this -- I have enough friends. I don't need to collect ex's as friends. That's so lame!

[norajane]

At least I was honest about my intentions. I didn't lead her on. Nobody is commending me for my honesty. I was willing to settle for friendship since she didn't want to continue the relationship. But she didn't even want to do that. Friendship would have been 2nd best for me.

 

Bascially any woman who proposes to me is like sticking a gun to my head and threatening to shoot me if I give the wrong answer.

 

Are you getting so many proposals that this is really a major problem in your life?

 

No need to think of it in such life and death terms. Think of it like a temp to hire job situation. Sometimes employers need to hire someone for a job full-time, but decide to try out a temp employee to see if they fit the company and the job. The temp also gets to see if they like the fit of the company and the job. After a period of time, they make a decision. If one of them says no to the full-time hire, they part company, no hard feelings.

 

There's no point in the temp sticking around if s/he knows s/he doesn't want to work there full-time - s/he wants to be out looking for other positions. The employer doesn't want the temp sticking around because they want to find someone for the position full-time. Neither really gains anything by dragging things out.

[soberminded]

How do you know how she feels about you? You may have given her good reason. You have no idea and since you aren't in a relationship any more she has no reason to explain anything to you.

 

You don't have to be friends with someone just because they don't betray, abuse, or slander you! That's rich.

 

My feeling is this -- I have enough friends. I don't need to collect ex's as friends. That's so lame!

 

 

Because I know what I did wrong in the relationship. I haven't done anything serious to jepoardize a friendship. I don't see how you can condone somebody cutting off a friendship because of a difference of opinion. So the only reason I was cut off was over a difference of opinion. Part of being a mature adult is being able to disagree and still keep a friendship going.

[blind_otter]

Because I know what I did wrong in the relationship. I haven't done anything serious to jepoardize a friendship. I don't see how you can condone somebody cutting off a friendship because of a difference of opinion. So the only reason I was cut off was over a difference of opinion. Part of being a mature adult is being able to disagree and still keep a friendship going.

 

What is so hard to understand? No one is obligated to continue associating with anyone else, ever. Not friends, not ex lovers, not family members. We are free to choose who we want to associate with. Obviously, she doesn't want to associate with you. That is her choice, whether it makes sense to you or not, and has nothing to do with "being a mature adult".

 

I mean you can disagree and keep a friendship going -- if you feel the friendship is worth the effort. If you don't feel it's worth it, you cut your loses and move on.

 

Accept it!

[soberminded]

What is so hard to understand? No one is obligated to continue associating with anyone else, ever. Not friends, not ex lovers, not family members. We are free to choose who we want to associate with. Obviously, she doesn't want to associate with you. That is her choice, whether it makes sense to you or not, and has nothing to do with "being a mature adult".

 

I mean you can disagree and keep a friendship going -- if you feel the friendship is worth the effort. If you don't feel it's worth it, you cut your loses and move on.

 

Accept it!

 

 

We're not talking about obligation here. I didn't say anyone was obligated to do anything. I'm just saying that it really says alot about a person's character if they want to cut someone out of their lives over a difference of opinion.

 

By your line of reasoning nobody has to associate with someone just because they are black. That's true. We certainly have the right to not associate with someone just because of their skin color. We might as well just condone prejudice.

 

So I guess what you are saying is that the reasons for rejecting somebody doesn't matter. Then it does not make it right or wrong for me to reject a woman's marriage proposal by that same token regardless of what my reasons were for rejecting her. I could have rejected her because of her skin color. Does that matter?

[norajane]

It's a little more than a difference of opinion if one person in a couple wants to spend the rest of their life with you, and the other person does not.

[soberminded]

It's a little more than a difference of opinion if one person in a couple wants to spend the rest of their life with you, and the other person does not.

 

 

It is a difference of opinion and nothing more. If that one person wants to get married and the other doesn't then a mature adult would say "ok then we can't continue dating because I want someone around full time but we can still be friends." No hard feelings. Just a difference of opinion. I doubt you will make many friends if you always cut people out that don't agree with you over an issue. It will be your loss.

[norajane]

It's not a generic issue where people can rationally agree to disagree and carry on. It's a deeply personal issue about a lifetime commitment. That you would think losing you would be her loss is precisely why a woman who proposed wants to be away from you.

[blind_otter]

We're not talking about obligation here. I didn't say anyone was obligated to do anything. I'm just saying that it really says alot about a person's character if they want to cut someone out of their lives over a difference of opinion.

 

Yah, it says they know what emotional boundaries are necessary in their lives and they do the work to maintain such boundaries.

 

By your line of reasoning nobody has to associate with someone just because they are black. That's true. We certainly have the right to not associate with someone just because of their skin color. We might as well just condone prejudice.

 

that was an amazing leap of logic. It makes absolutely no sense, but what more could I expect! you're too funny.

 

Also, by my logic, I don't have to hang out with racist people, or individuals who think that everyone should follow their personal set of rules!

 

I could have rejected her because of her skin color. Does that matter?

 

Nope. you totally didn't get what I was saying. Let me try to understand, by your reasoning, then, we should all stay friends with every single person we associate with who does not do anything overtly bad towards us? Wow, your rolodex must be huge.

 

I don't associate with ex lovers because it complicates future relationships. Nothing bad on my ex's. Why the hell would I want another friend, though. I have enough.

[Outcast]

Dude. You HURT HER FEELINGS. You seem to think that she is some emotionless robot whose choice to ask you to marry her was akin to her choice of which bread to buy - no real big issue.

 

It was a HUGE issue. She wanted to CHANGE HER WHOLE LIFE by including you as a married partner. She offered you herself. And you said 'nah - not good enough for a partner but hey, you'll do as a pal'.

 

Do you sit with your hand on a stove burner that's turned on? I'm guessing (hoping) no. That's because it hurts. Well, continuing to hang out with you would be the equivalent of keeping her hand on a lit burner. It HURTS her. She has these things called 'feelings'. You may have heard of them. Although I am beginning to wonder.

[soberminded]

Yah, it says they know what emotional boundaries are necessary in their lives and they do the work to maintain such boundaries.

 

 

 

that was an amazing leap of logic. It makes absolutely no sense, but what more could I expect! you're too funny.

 

Also, by my logic, I don't have to hang out with racist people, or individuals who think that everyone should follow their personal set of rules!

 

 

 

Nope. you totally didn't get what I was saying. Let me try to understand, by your reasoning, then, we should all stay friends with every single person we associate with who does not do anything overtly bad towards us? Wow, your rolodex must be huge.

 

I don't associate with ex lovers because it complicates future relationships. Nothing bad on my ex's. Why the hell would I want another friend, though. I have enough.

 

 

So according to you it's alright to be as selfish as you want to as long as you are happy. Are you that emotionally shallow that you don't care to know the reasons behind why a guy dumps you? Oh yeah that's right if I recall correctly you said on one of my threads that you didn't really care to know the reason why a guy wants to end a relationship with you.

 

Alot of women on here say they want honesty in a relationship but sometimes the truth hurts. They can't handle the truth when I give it to them. I can't win with women. If I tell them the truth that I don't want to get married they take offense to it when all I was doing as telling the truth.

[melodymatters]

Most people, want some sort of committment and/or future plan to keep going with the current sytem. It's human nature. If your boss basically made you "interview" every day, instead of offering you a position, if your roomate woke up every day and had the option to decide whether to throw you out, how comfortable would YOU be ?!?

 

Following this analogy :

 

There are no guarentee's in life I admit. But your either Hired, Own The House, OR your temping or renting. No girl wants to be a temp or be rented.

 

If you CAN'T see this woman as your wife eventually, you're better off being honest and SHE'S better off leaving you behind. If you CAN, but simply aren't ready, you need to convey that in a way that will still allow her to keep her dignity and hope alive.

 

I'm 40 and know who I am and what I want, need and deserve. If somone is unwilling to give it to me, I will find somone who not only will, but will feel blessed and honored to.

 

I've had many relationships, but there's not ONE I look back on and say " Gee I wish I was still with so and so".

 

Let her go, make some excuse that allows her to keep her pride and when you run into her at the store someday and she's married with a family, you'll feel either relieved or like a big f*cking idiot.

 

Good luck,

Melody

[MissSenorita]

Sober, you sound angry and frustrated. But what people here are saying is true. Imagine you meet a wonderful, perfect woman who is everything you ever wanted and you are happy just to see and be with her every day. You feel so free and happy at last to have found this wonderful person and don't want anything to ruin it.

 

Now, at this point, do you want old ex-gf's stopping by to chat about old times or make your new love of your life feel uncomfortable? Absolutely not.

 

She offered you the most valuable gift she has to give - offering herself to you for the rest of her life, to you alone, even when you are old and sick and maybe in a wheelchair, she would have still been there for you. And you said no.

 

Now she is going to find the man of her dreams who will say yes. You are obviously not it, so she doesn't want you around to mess things up when she does meet her future husband.

 

Also it isn't a question of friendship or politeness. It's about security for the next 60+ years. And it is an extremely difficult choice, of picking the one guy who will be a good father, a reliable husband, a friend and confidant, so that together you can support each other when your and her parents grow old and die and things in life aren't going so well. It is a huge life-altering decision, and she must have thought very highly of you to have asked you to share this role in her life.

 

But you said no, and while some ex's choose to stay friends and keep in touch, others consider it a liability. I mean, is she supposed to invite you to her wedding? Surely you can understand.

[soberminded]

Sober, you sound angry and frustrated. But what people here are saying is true. Imagine you meet a wonderful, perfect woman who is everything you ever wanted and you are happy just to see and be with her every day. You feel so free and happy at last to have found this wonderful person and don't want anything to ruin it.

 

Now, at this point, do you want old ex-gf's stopping by to chat about old times or make your new love of your life feel uncomfortable? Absolutely not.

 

She offered you the most valuable gift she has to give - offering herself to you for the rest of her life, to you alone, even when you are old and sick and maybe in a wheelchair, she would have still been there for you. And you said no.

 

Now she is going to find the man of her dreams who will say yes. You are obviously not it, so she doesn't want you around to mess things up when she does meet her future husband.

 

Also it isn't a question of friendship or politeness. It's about security for the next 60+ years. And it is an extremely difficult choice, of picking the one guy who will be a good father, a reliable husband, a friend and confidant, so that together you can support each other when your and her parents grow old and die and things in life aren't going so well. It is a huge life-altering decision, and she must have thought very highly of you to have asked you to share this role in her life.

 

But you said no, and while some ex's choose to stay friends and keep in touch, others consider it a liability. I mean, is she supposed to invite you to her wedding? Surely you can understand.

 

 

Are you trying to convince me that I made a big mistake by rejecting her? There's alot of men who are sorry they are married and want to get out. I don't think one can regret turning down a marriage proposal but one can certainly regret getting married.

 

Nothing that anybody says is going to make me feel guilty for not wanting to get married. Nobody should get married out of obligation.

 

I don't need a woman to support me when my parents die. I'll be able to support myself just fine. Besides I have friends and cousins who will support me emotionally during that time.

 

Besides if I were to change my mind in the future and decide I want to get married I have plenty of options of women to choose from. I don't believe that you only get one soulmate or only one chance to be married.

[MissSenorita]

Not at all... you absolutely made the right choice by saying no. But you have to accept the consequences of that choice, meaning, she's going to continue looking for Mr. Right and you're not invited to tag along.

[soberminded]

It's only a matter of time before I find a woman who is not desperate to get married. I'm better off dating divorced women. Alot of those women who experienced a bad marriage don't want to remarry anyway.

[soberminded]

Not at all... you absolutely made the right choice by saying no. But you have to accept the consequences of that choice, meaning, she's going to continue looking for Mr. Right and you're not invited to tag along.

 

 

And what if she never finds him then what? There's no guarantees she'll find him. What if most of the guys that are eager to marry her treat are *********s? You mean you'd rather settle for a jerk because he's willing to marry you than a decent man who is afraid to take that step?

[norajane]

And what if she never finds him then what?

 

That still doesn't mean she would be happier remaining friends with someone who turned her down as a life partner.

[soberminded]

That still doesn't mean she would be happier remaining friends with someone who turned her down as a life partner.

 

 

She could go through a series of guys like me who turn her down. I mean there was a reason I turned her down. I didn't post all the reasons why I turned her down. You don't know me or her. I haven't posted much details about what went on during our time together or the kind of character she has.

 

I'd say the same thing about myself if I did the proposing and got turned down. I'd know that there was a reason I got turned down and I'd wonder what my chances are of finding mrs. right. Because I'd take a look at myself and wonder what is wrong with me. I'd wonder if her rejection of my proposal had anything to do with something in my character that she didn't like.

[norajane]

If she were wondering if there were something in her character that you didn't like, then that's all the more reason not to try to be friends with you after you rejected her. Why be friends with someone who doesn't like something about your character?

[MissSenorita]

If you're a decent man then why are you so afraid to take that step??

 

[MissSenorita]

I do feel your pain though. It is very silly to expect rational people with a life expectancy of 80+ years to make these permanent decisions now. On the other hand, if you wait too long she's going to be married and you'll be stuck wondering why. As I said, its a question of security. Are you willing to provide it? If not, then you were absolutely right to reject her proposal. If you do love her, and think she is the one who will be your ideal wife, then you had better get in touch with her and fast, and spill your guts out mister.

[Walk]

Why are you so dead set on keeping this woman's attention?? What the heck does it matter to you if she doesn't wish to talk to you anymore? YOU REJECTED HER!

 

End of story.

 

You didn't want her. SHe got out of your life. Now your whinning that she doesn't want you in her life? WTF?

 

What kind of narcissitic personality do you have that makes you NEED to have her attention?

 

You made your choice, she's making her choice. You can take it as a personal insult if you want... but if you've got SO MANY other women begging to fill her role.. then forget her and move on. Why do you need her attention so badly?

 

Let her go already. Its over.. it's past.. she does not wish to talk to you anymore. Let it go...........

 

 

*

[Walk]

I have one question for you Soberminded.

 

At what point did you tell these women (point blank) that you never wanted to get married?