Just want to vent

[waitingforlove]

Hi everyone,

Basically, my situation -- at least for now -- is hopeless. I just want to vent a little bit. I sent my ex a final email today after contemplating on it for a couple weeks. He was the dumper and has asked for NC after initially wanting to be friends. But I wanted to tell him that I forgave him and still considered him a friend anyway, because he's kind of stubborn and will never admit his own mistakes. I figure that even if he wants to open the door of friendship again in the future, he might be so afraid of getting rejected by me that he won't do so. So I wanted to imply to him that it will be "safe" to come back any time he wants.

 

No, I don't want to be a doormat. I was, and maybe in his eyes, I still am today. But I know I am no longer his doormat. I do have my self-worth, but I don't want to continue with the hatred just because he broke my heart so thoroughly! I'd rather leave the door open for possible reconciliation.

 

Am I waiting for him to come back? Yes and No. Yes because I still do wish for a second chance with him. He is a very good person, with a kind heart -- except that he's now so cold and hard-hearted with me after the breakup. Maybe he wants to force me to move on by being mean to me, or maybe he just simply doesn't love me at all. Either way, I know that I can't just wait for him to come back wholeheartedly, because it may never happen. In my final email to him, I promised him that I would never contact him again until I heard from him -- if that ever happens. He said he was interested in someone else, and I told him that I wished him success in his new relationship. I do genuinely want the best for him. But sometimes I wonder why I'm doing this to myself -- why do I love someone who hurts me so much?

 

Admittedly, I've made mistakes in the relationship. I was insecure and clingy, and he also saw me as manipulative. Yet I have changed. Towards the end of the relationship, he actually started to see changes in me, and even said "we are finally at a point where we can understand one another." Yet on the same day, he said, "I thought you might need some time apart," and broke up with me "officially." I have been very tolerant to him over the last five months after the breakup. Yes I did contact him, but not much. But he just gradually removed himself away from my life -- from wanting to be friends at the beginning, to distancing himself more and more, to finally telling tme that he wanted a break from contacting one another. Sometimes I wonder: Were my mistakes so unforgivable that I deserve all these treatments/punishments?

 

Yet I still can't make myself tell him that I hate him -- because I don't. I am very sad, somewhat angry, and feel guilty about my own mistakes. I want him to know that he also has some responsibilities in the failure of the relationship, but I am at the same time afraid that if I tell him that, he would be even more mad at me. Over the course of our relationship (11 months, but we were friends before), he has NEVER once apologized for anything he did wrong WITHOUT me having to explain to him over and over again why it hurt me. I figure that whenever he says "I am sorry," it's only because he doesn't think it's a big deal. Whenever it comes to something really hurtful that he did, he would say, "I didn't do anything wrong," and deny all his wrongs. One time when I was in a foreign country, I called him on a payphone. It was night time for me and afternoon for him. He wanted me to call back in fifteen minutes on a land line instead of his cellphone. I was very upset that he wasn't even a bit considerate that I was alone on the street in a foreign place at night; he would rather me call back at a time and place that was convenient FOR HIM. I quickly hung up, not wanting to waste the minutes on the phone card. I did say, "okay okay" when I hung up. I called back in fifteen minutes. He wouldn't pick up the phone. After calling seven or eight times, leaving a couple messages, he finally picked up the phone. The first thing he said was, "why did you do that?" And then he gave me a lecture about how he hated it whenever people hung up on him .... I apologized. He said, "okay." I thought I could explain myself, but as soon as I started explaining, he said, "that's an excuse." He honestly thought that if I explained myself AT ALL, then that meant I didn't mean my apology. I cried so much at the phone booth at night in that foreign place ..... After an hour trying to negotiate my point of view with him, he still didn't take it. I was wrong -- the only one who was wrong in his eyes.

 

A few months later, one time I said something that upset him on the phone, and he hung up on me. I called him back apologizing, he wouldn't pick up the phone. I emailed him and apologized again. He finally called me back a day later when he wasn't mad anymore. I tried to explain to him that it also hurt my feelings when he hung up on me, but he said, "you hurt my feelings. I did nothing wrong." Why is it that if I hang up on him, it's MY fault; and if he hangs up on me, it's also MY fault?

 

There were other instances too .... but anyway, I just know that he would NEVER apologize. Likewise, he would never come back pleading me to forgive him, simply because he would never let down his pride. After the breakup, I completely let down my pride, thinking that it didn't matter who gave up the pride first to save the relationship. But ultimately, I was only treated more and more like a doormat and pushover. It only made his pride elevate more. Between his pride and me, I would always lose. So that's why I wanted to tell him that I have already forgiven him and would still consider him a friend -- because I don't want him to be afraid that he would have to lose his pride by apologizing if he ever wants to come back. I know he won't apologize, and it's okay ..... because I truly love him. Unconditionally.

 

Am I just being silly? Don't worry, though. I won't contact him again. I thought about it so long before sending him that email, so I don't regret sending it. I promised him, and also myself, not to contact him again. But of course I still wish that some day ..... months or years down the road, if he misses me at all, he would drop a note to say hi ..... I still can't give up all our history together, as friends and lovers ...... why does our history mean nothing to him at all now? How can he just throw everything away in a heartbeat?

 

Thank you for reading this long thread ..... I just needed to let these words come out ...... It's too hard to let them stay in my system ....

[MrPot]

I am honestly well acquainted with how you feel. A couple months ago, I was dumped by my girlfriend of 6 months. We were best friends for about a year before we dated.

 

It hurts, and I know there's a lot of talk you want to have with him and things you want him to know. Unfortunately, those things don't matter at all to the other party compared to how they matter to you.

 

I'm glad you said that you won't contact him, because that's really important. Anything you do to contact him or reach out to him will immediately be interpreted as a "push," anyway. It'll be obvious that you want him back.

 

You might still want him back, but it's imperative for your own sanity that you move on.

 

Keep thinking about the way he treated you; the way you were disrespected. You still want that person as your friend?

 

This man made you your doormat and he showed you no respect. As far as I'm concerned, all that you need to do is reclaim your own respect by deciding that you don't want to be his friend anymore. If he ever contacts you, ignore him. If he persists, make it clear that you have no use for him anymore.

 

If you think about it logically, this is the best way to go. I know it's easier in theory than practice; I struggle with it every day. Months or years down the line, you'll be happy that you finally adopted this strategy when you did. Especially when you finally find a new love, which you will

[waitingforlove]

Thank you so much indeed, MrPot!! When I wrote this thread, I didn't really expect there would be any reply since it was so long. But it certainly makes me feel better knowing that somebody out there sympathizes with what I'm going through. Thanks a lot!!

 

I know you are right: Sometimes even I myself wonder WHY I still want to be his friend after being treated like a doormat. I guess a part of me is always afraid that "maybe I misunderstood him;" "maybe it was REALLY my fault and I should try to see it from his perspectives;" or "maybe it was just because I annoyed him that he reacted this way." Whenever I think like this, it immediately makes me feel guilty -- that perhaps he treats me that way JUST BECAUSE I failed to make him happy.

 

This kind of makes me think about people who are abused and why they keep forgiving the abuser and feel guilty about being abused -- thinking that maybe it is "their fault" and that's why they "have to be punished." When I think that way, then I realize my blind spot and think perhaps I don't have to feel so guilty. But the problem is I'm just REALLY CONFUSED how I should feel -- I can't determine whether I really deserve to be treated this way because of what I did or failed to do, or he is really being abusive and disrespectful. Maybe I'm just giving him too many excuses or justifying his behaviors, and thinking too much about his feelings -- even to the point of accepting that if he never apologizes, it's "okay." I guess that's probably part of why I needed to post this thread .... I guess unconsciously I wanted somebody to "shake me up" and tell me that I am just dreaming too much!!

 

Maybe I should stop considering his feelings? I don't know. It just seems that the more I think about his feelings, the more I feel the need to justify his behaviors, which ends up hurting myself and making me feel more guilty. Then I feel like apologizing to him again -- when he will just continue to ignore me. I have been really sincere wanting to work things out and make changes that would improve our relationship, but it breaks my heart to find out that he doesn't care AT ALL about the fact that I care enough about him to endure difficulties and challenges we might have to face. It makes me feel really dumb and worthless, wondering if I'm really "that bad" that no apologies would undo my wrongs?

 

But anyway, thank you again -- indeed, for listening to me!! I am very determined this time not to contact him again. I have to remind myself that his heart is probably made of stone; nothing could melt it. You're so right; whatever I say or do right now would be interpreted as a push (or manipulation according to him) anyway. I just have to TRULY start over and move on, without the slightest wish no more of having him back, in order to start a new life and look forward to a future with someone who will love me despite of my imperfection.

[waitingforlove]

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