loss of my husband

[Guest]

I am lost. I cannot concentrate I cannot get anything done I miss him so much I cant stand it I cant sleep Have a hard time living without him. He was diagnosed on March 20 and passed on June 6. I dont know what to do eveything is overwhelming. He took care of all financial and I am so far behind I think im ahead. It seems like I take one step forward two steps back I have 2 teenagers at home I know I have to go on for them and the other children and grandchildren but Im so sad. I want him back I would do anything I know that no matter how much I mourn him hes not coming back It it just like he disappeared into thin air. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Rose

[Diver012]

I am so truely sorry for you loss. I cant even imagine what your going through. The only advice I can offer is to reach out to friends and family.

 

They are there for you. You are not alone. I will say a prayer for you tonight. I pray every night and I will certainly include you in my prayers.

 

God Bless!! Someone is thinking of you tonight.

[HokeyReligions]

Nothing we can say is going to help you - I wish we could. I am so sorry for your loss. Have you tried to do a search for Grief Support? There is one website I go to sometimes (found it after my daughter died) called BeyondIndigo and it has helped somewhat. On those sites you can 'talk' with others who will truly understand your pain. Have you also tried some in-person grief counseling? You can call a hospital and ask for a social worker there to get you some information for someone near you.

 

What Grieving People Want You To Know

by Virginia A. Simpson, Ph.D.

 

Grieving people, you may want to print this out and give it to a friend...

Through my work and the privilege of listening to so many stories, I have come to wonder where people get their ideas about how another person is supposed to grieve.

 

Here's a test for you:

1. How long does it take to recover after someone you love has died?

2. When should a person begin to "get on with their lives?"

3. Do you think it's better to mention the deceased's name to the grieving person or to avoid mentioning the name so that you won't make that person cry?

4. Do you think it's a good idea to tell a grieving person how strong they are?

You can figure out the answers to these questions by understanding what grieving people want you to know about them.

 

1. I am not strong. I'm just numb. When you tell me I am strong, I feel that you don't see me.

 

2. I will not recover. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm grieving and that's different. I will not always be grieving as intensely, but I will never forget my loved one and rather than recover, I want to incorporate his life and love into the rest of my life. That person is part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with joy and other times with a tear. Both are okay.

 

3. I don't have to accept the death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are just some things in life that are not acceptable.

 

4. Please don't avoid me. You can't catch my grief. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

 

5. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. So, in advance, let me give you some ideas:

 

(a) Bring food.

(b) Offer to take my children to a movie or game so that I have some moments to myself.

© Send me a card on special holidays, birthdays (mine, his or hers), or the anniversary of the death, and be sure and mention her name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for giving me the opportunity to shed them because someone cared enough about me to reach out on this difficult day.

 

(d) Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may so no at first or even for a while, but please don't give up on me because somewhere down the line, I may be ready, and if you've given up, then I really will be alone.

 

6. Try to understand that this is like I'm in a foreign country where I don't speak the language and have no map to tell me what to do. Even if there were a map, I'm not sure right now I could understand what it was saying. I'm lost and in a fog. I'm confused.

 

7. When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel bad enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right.

 

8. Please don't call to complain about your husband, your wife, or your children. Right now, I'd be delighted to have my loved one here no matter what they were doing.

 

9. Please don't tell me I can have other children or need to start dating again. I'm not ready. And maybe I don't want to. And besides, what makes you think people are replaceable? They aren't. Whoever comes after, will always be someone different.

 

10. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on, but it may not look the way you think it should. This will take time and I never will be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know, that with your love and support, the joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

 

----------

Do you have family support? Friends? There is some information on those websites I mentioned that you could forward to your friends and family to help them understand when you don't feel like trying to explain.

 

The above was given to me and I've found it on many different websites. I don't know that it is copywrite protected (I don't think so) and it was very valuable for me because I printed it or emailed it to my friends and family and even at work and people seemed to relax around me a bit more which helped me to cope. Note I said 'cope' not heal.

 

Again, I am so sorry for your loss.

[AriaIncognito]

I wish there was something I could say to make you feel better, but unfortunately, I can't. Please just know that tons of thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. Come here to LS as much as you need to, cry, vent, etc. Know that you aren't alone, and that your husband is looking down and smiling at you.

 

Jennifer

[Chinook]

I am lost. I cannot concentrate I cannot get anything done I miss him so much I cant stand it I cant sleep Have a hard time living without him. He was diagnosed on March 20 and passed on June 6. I dont know what to do eveything is overwhelming. He took care of all financial and I am so far behind I think im ahead. It seems like I take one step forward two steps back I have 2 teenagers at home I know I have to go on for them and the other children and grandchildren but Im so sad. I want him back I would do anything I know that no matter how much I mourn him hes not coming back It it just like he disappeared into thin air. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated. Rose

 

Dear Rose,

 

It's been less than two months since you lost your husband. What you are feeling right now is normal. I can't tell you when you will feel better but I can tell you that you will feel better in the distance of time. It's very hard to get used to the space that is left when a partner is missing. But I want you to think about something... because he isn't there, does not mean he doesn't love you. He is simply geographically, spiritually and metaphysically some place else now. It doesn't change his love for you... that is still as timeless and as true as it ever was. I'm not sure I should post this but I lost a baby last year and someone sent me this poem and it helped me alot. I hope that it will help you too. Take care of yourself. Try to eat and sleep more - emotional turmoil burns more energy and can make us feel under par so please make sure you look after yourself physically.

 

 

Do Not Stand At My Grave and Weep - Mary Frye (1932)

 

Do not stand at my grave and weep

I am not there; I do not sleep.

I am a thousand winds that blow,

I am the diamond glints on snow,

I am the sun on ripened grain,

I am the gentle autumn rain.

When you awaken in the morning's hush

I am the swift uplifting rush

Of quiet birds in circling flight.

I am the soft starlight at night.

Do not stand at my grave and cry,

I am not there; I did not die.

[kimba]

Dear Chinook,

 

thankyou very much for the poem, i lost my dad 3 months ago to cancer. the irony is that the poem set me in floods of tears!!

 

To Rose,

 

I really feel for you , and i was afraid that i would drown in the grief, that the tears were somehow going to hurt me, but i read in a book "A TIME TO GRIEVE" about how you have to let yourself fall into grief and it will not harm you. Have a look at the book, i started reading it pretty much after the funeral, and it helped in those early stages.

[superconductor]

I have no words that will help you through this difficult part of your life. Just know that there are people here who have felt exactly the same thing, and despite the pain of loss we've all managed to go forward.

 

Be well, and take good care of yourself. My sincere and heartfelt condolences.

[Outcast]

I'm so very sorry for your loss. Reach out to friends and family - don't think you have to seem to be 'over it' for their sakes. They will understand.

 

And you can certainly find support here on LS. Would you like to tell us a bit about him?