my_dream_love Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 First of, I finally got my member account to work. For this last week, I've read most of the posts and followed each one to the end in forum mostly dealing w/marriage issue as I do have one on my own at the moment. Before I start this, little marriage background, my husband and I both are in our mid 20s. We've been married for 3 and half years and together 4, no kid. During those years were rough, but we both know from others telling us that the first couple years of marriage life is the toughest part. And you make it through, your most likely will have one satisfy marriage life. That's what we both believed. As some of other couples, we had our bad and good times. Mostly related to his drinking and other unbrokable habits. Dont get me wrong, he was a very passionate guy, holding me, told me how beautiful I was and he was so lucky to have me. All the things women want to hear. Yes, I liked what he said. But on the other hand, beside that he was so uninvolved emotinally. Like if I told him that something he does bother me and asked if he could stop doing that he just dimissed it. And said I have it all worked up for nothing. ALWAYS! even if i sat there crying. I'm one of those women who likes to talk things out with my hubby instead of seeking comfort from another man. So, for one he has drinking problem, he smokes lots but never around me. I give him credit for that but try to have him stop drinking and smoking. His uncle died from acohole poisoning years back and what got me worried. No matter how I tried, it won't work but at least I got him to drink only certain day of the week when he was home, not drinking everyday like last year. Skipping to the real problem, he first had an EA with a MW who he knew online for years who I only knew as his one good friend. Laster I found the email and contronted him while he was away on a trip. After controntation, I decided to forgive him and work things out. I'm a very forgiven person. We went to see counselors but he didn't seem to pay attention during sessions. His mind was wondering somewhere else. Skipping: Time passed, things were great, I got over the EA thing and loved him for who he was. But he didn't see how much I have given him. Things got bad again with him spending so much money and didn't care if there was a penny left. Our biggest problem is that he won't do or at least considered what I asked him to do even though I asked him nicely. He was like a rebelled teenager when come dealing with my request. That was okay, I thought I could live with that after I married him even how hurt it was. Last part, my final straw: This last trip he made, he had slept with a prostitutes. He confessed after I asked him. He said that he can't remember what happened because too much achohol but woke up in the morning in a hotel with a condom on his manhood. My mom told me, it's a bull**** excuse. I found this out a day before his return home from 5 and half months. The incident occurred 3 months ago during those time period. I know this because I know where it happened in what country, because he emailed me almost everyday. After I found out what happened, I told him I wasn't going to pick up him. I couldn't bring myself to see him, my mistake, I should have. So, his flight was at 2am. He didn't come home but got a friend to pick him up and stay there until right now. So, he called and emailed to say how sorry he is for hurting me and that I should leave him. That I am better off without him, he is a satan with black soul. He doesn't deserve me and asked me never forgive him for what he had done. He said that I should go and find a better man who treates me right and the one I deserve. Last night he emailed me said that he went to a bar and met a guy, told him what is going with our marriage. The guy said, why don't you beg for forgiveness everyday? He told the guy he did but I'm not forgiving him. When I read that emailed, I thought he'd never once asked for forgiveness let alone coming home. All he does is to tell me leave him and find a better man. He doesn't deserve me:confused: It's been 5 days, my life is a mess and in hell here all alone. Within that 5 days, I came from 100lbs to 95lbs. Can neither eat nor drink, all I think about is why he doesnt come home to see me or face me like adults instead of emailing and phone calls? Why does he do that? Is there such a thing if he truely loves you he would....? How can I find the energy to bring myself up on my feet and do things: moving, quiting job, and flying home? Please if somebody out there help me with some answers to why he does things the way he does things right now? Or what should I do or is there anything I could do...I do really appreciate it. I know the message is too long but thanks so much for reading them. I really do. I want a closure, no remorse, but right i'm not even close to that peace in mind...please help:(
destination_unknown Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 This is a very trying time for you, but you will get through it. You do have the strength, its the emotion that is draining you, but you have the phsyical strength. Make sure you are eating well, I know you can't make yourself sleep, but try anything you can to get sleep. Meditation CD's are really cheap but I find them great for inducing sleep. Burning lavender oil is very relaxing also. If you are willing to try to save your marriage, I think councelling for your husband on his own may be benificial. I think there (that have nothing to do with your marriage) that he hasn't dealt with that are manifesting themselves in his drinking and extra-marital activities. I suspect that your husband may be acting this way (subconsciously) as a self destructive mechanism. I went through something similar myself. If you feel like you are not able to continue with the marriage, things will be very hard for a while until the dust settles. But it will settle, it can't spin around up in the air forever with no wind to keep it afloat. Make sure you get checked for STD's, to be safe. Your husband should do the same. God bless
Author my_dream_love Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 If you are willing to try to save your marriage, I think councelling for your husband on his own may be benificial. I think there (that have nothing to do with your marriage) that he hasn't dealt with that are manifesting themselves in his drinking and extra-marital activities. I suspect that your husband may be acting this way (subconsciously) as a self destructive mechanism. I went through something similar myself. I'm not sure if I understand this statement. What does it have to do with the prostitute and self-destructive? Could you please clarify that for me? If you feel like you are not able to continue with the marriage, things will be very hard for a while until the dust settles. But it will settle, it can't spin around up in the air forever with no wind to keep it afloat. Make sure you get checked for STD's, to be safe. Your husband should do the same. God bless My mom told me that I have to do this (leave him) if I keep staying and forgiving him all the time, he will never learn his lessons. Everybody in my family got tired of hearing my marriage problem. Even my brother said if I don't leave him this time, don't bother to call him again. I know deep down I still love him. I'm not a cold heart bitch. Never to him that is why I am toss and turn and can't sleep. Yes, I am start eating little now after my body wants to give up on me. I just feel so alone and wondering. Since we haven't been slept with each other for about 6 months now, I'm not worry about me getting any STDs. But I do worry about him and that is what I was going to talk to him about only if he bother to comes home instead of saying why bother when the wife hates him now. A couple of days ago, we talked thru emails, I told him that I will hired mover to move all my stuff to the storage and then fly home with my dog and drop of the car for him without seeing him. He asked if he can come to play with our dog for one last time. I havent answer that I just left it blank so to speak:( I feel like if he cares and loves us that much why push me so hard? Why not putting effort and come see me face to face like adults? Why gone to bar drinking when knowing that acohol was the problem starter? He said he doesn't remember when it happened...my mother said that is a lie. It's not that I believe my mother but that also is what I believe. The only thing I want is a CLOSURE, but I can't even have that. It is big GAP wide open:( my_dream_love
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