I got what I wanted, unfortunately.

[KGwynne]

KG, I understand exactly how you feel and why you cheated. I do not think worse of you for it. I know that is unusual to say, but I will.

 

Thanks for being open minded.

 

However, the negative to this is that the OW may have developed feelings for you and may not let you off easily. Or there is always a possibility that this secret will come out at some point in life. Maybe the OW shows up at a school function. Your future son/daughter in-law is related. The possibilities are endless. If none of that is true, then a secret it can remain.

Honestly, I'm not too worried about her falling in love with me - not yet. And she's made it clear she wants to find a man who she can have a family with. I think she knows that's not me.

 

As for the possibility of meeting in the future, I guess anything might happen, but since she and I live 60 miles apart, it's not too likely.

 

Avoiding conflict seems to be the way you handle your differences with your wife...did I read that correctly? If so, then this is why she is remaining in the mommy mode. I have four children. But it wasn't until after our children were all born that sex began to dwindle. I do think that this was part of the problem, but it was not all of it by far. As a husband, you must consider this temporary and declare yourself faithful. My favorite phrase has been: "This too shall pass." Saying this has gotten me through some bad times.

Yes, I am a conflict avoider in general. It's nice to hear that someone else has gotten through this period. I appreciate your insights.

 

Now I need to ask if there is any medical reason that she no longer wants sex. I feel like a broken record, but if you read my first thread you will see where I am coming from. My wife lost her libdio gradually due to hypothyroidism.

I suppose it's possible. I never thought of it.

 

My suggestion...sit back and DECIDE to love your wife again. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. I not only believe it...I know it from experience. Focus on what you love about her, what you admire about her, and what she is to your children. Forget about sex....what I mean is that this refocusing is not about sex, it is about the bigger picture. It is about firing up your marriage. From experience, I can say that this works. Become her friend. Then come up with creative ways that you can bring her out of the mommy mode. Date nights, flowers, and free nights out are very much apreciated. Lingerie is not. Spending time just listening to her can help. When all of the above doesn't work, come up with new ideas. Truly, "if at first you don't succeed" is a good rule to follow.

This is all great advice, and coming from someone who's been there, I value it all the more. Thanks so much for your very well thought out post!

[KGwynne]

It's okay to let the little things slide. But when you let things go that are big enough to cause you to become withdrawn from the relationship, you haven't done your job. Making sure that you're communicating your most essential needs is part of your job.

 

Like you... I've got a tendancy to avoid conflict. I didn't have an affair over it. What I did instead is emotionally withdraw from the relationship, to the point where my husband was seeking female attention from others. He was acting like an ass for the most part, frustrated because he couldn't get his needs met. Rather than face the prospect of fighting, I found it easier to avoid him as much as possible, and when I couldn't avoid him... I placated him until I withdraw from his company.

 

What I've learned is that it's MY JOB to get in there and face the conflict. It doesn't matter if we're talking about his needs or mine. Each of us must prioritize the others needs as if they were our own. We're not talking wants here. We're talking about the basic things that we need from each other that make us happier to be together rather than alone.

 

It's his job to communicate with me, mine to communicate with him. When we don't, we're not living up to our responsibility within the marriage.

 

Listen to Brother James. He's got his sitch worked out.

 

Yes, I'm sure your right. I confess to falling short when it comes to communication, especially about things I need. I hate to feel demanding or like a burden. And I do hate conflict.

 

In a way, I suppose my situation isn't too different from the one you faced. In my case, I think both of us are withdrawing from the relationship, and so someone is going to have to reach out and make the first move. I suppose that task is mine.

[Ladyjane14]

I confess to falling short when it comes to communication, especially about things I need. I hate to feel demanding or like a burden. And I do hate conflict.

 

Think about it this way.... If you had given your wife the choice a couple of months ago to either deal with the issues even if it meant INTENSE conflict, or to lose your fidelity.... what do you think she would have done?

 

I bet if she had known what the stakes truly were, she'd have gone to the mat with you. You guys might have fought like cats and dogs, and one or the other might have spent a night or two at the Motel Six.... but by the time you were done EVERYBODY would've been on the same page.

 

Sometimes conflict is a beautiful thing.

Try the article I recommended to H2T on the other thread. You'll find it by googling "The Three States of Marriage, marriagebuilders"

[BenThereDunThat]

KG - I just today read your post and had to reply. If any of this has been covered, I apologize. I got too anxious to read the whole thread.

 

My exMM could have written your post, everything except he does not have children. He's been married 17 years and needs that "romantic spark" in his life. When our A first started, I was mentally in the process of leaving my husband. I did not tell MM that, however, until I had asked H to leave. I didn't think it was necessary. After all, I was not going to fall in love with this MM, we were just fulfilling needs that were missing in our lives at the moment. HAH!

 

We were truly fooling ourselves. After my H left, we covered all the same ground you've spoken of. If I meet someone and it turns sexual, we'll stop. If I start dating, he'll have to stifle his jealousy issues.

 

In any case, he told me he loved me. Yes, yes, he knows he should have been the "strong" one and stopped things, yes, yes, I'm intelligent and knew better.

 

What I'm trying to say is, my exMM had no intention of leaving his wife either. But when the love talk started, all the intimacies that went along with that, somewhere in the back of my mind I started having thoughts of 'if we feel this powerfully, why shouldn't we be together?' And guess what? I had absolutely no hope of finding another man to date while he was filling my head with all these romatic notions. He didn't just love me, "he loved me deeply", I was a "handprint on his heart", I "changed him in ways no one else ever did."

 

For all his talk of love, he had no intention of disrupting his life. He took me to levels he had no intention or ability of being able to commit to.

 

I finally broke things off for good. This all went on, off and on, for 7 months. I am now in the grieving process. And let me tell you, it is has been extremely difficult. I went through the depressed stage where I cried myself to sleep every night for a week. Now I am just angry at him for getting his intimacy fix, while I'm left holding the bag of my messed up emotions. And I'm angry at myself for seeing the brick wall, and then walking right into anyway.

 

So, just another perspective to think about. We all think we have good intentions, or that we have a handle on things, can stay in control. When dealing with matters of the heart, you might as well throw all that stuff right out the window! Especially if you're at all vulnerable and craving love and attention.

[Last Mohegan]

Now really, H2T... both your hands are absolutely burned off from repeated stove touching! You know he needs to come clean.

 

If I were you - I'd wouldn't tell the wife what you did. But do tell her that you're about to do it. She may get the wakeup call you need her to get and if not - she can never say she asn't warned.

[BUTAFLY]

I don't thing KGwynne is anything like H2T. KG sought an OW who wanted nothing more than a fling. She still had her life. H2T sought another woman to replace his wife. All you have to do is end the affair. Whats the big problem? You said if either one of you begin to have feelings you would stop...so stop! Once the Ow is out of the picture it will get easier for you at home.

 

ps(I'm saying this w/o reading whole thread and thinking you guys aren't attached emotionally)

[Trimmer]

I don't know if this is something I'll get over in time, or if it will just get worse. My cynical nature says it's the latter. Is something like this even remotely workable? Or do I just need to deal with the harsh reality that I can't have my cake and eat it too?

So, it's cynical to think that cheating on your spouse will make you feel worse as time goes on? And it's a "harsh reality" that you can't cheat to meet your need for enough sex and affection?

 

She and I have also agreed that if she starts seeing someone else and sex is involved, that will be the end of us doing it. But of course there is no guarantee that she will tell me...

Sad how you can't count on a partner to be honest with you when it really counts, eh? Do I really need a smiley to point out the irony here?

 

You're right of course, but I come home at the end of the day and see how tired she is, and I feel guilty about making her deal with any of my issues. I mean, if the kids are well cared for and happy, why should I make her life harder by pointing out the things that aren't getting done?

So you don't feel guilty about cheating (oh, if only you could keep it hidden, and be infection free, and not fall in love, and not break up your family - then boy, that would be the ideal world.) And you justify keeping it hidden by claiming you are protecting your wife from this burden of having to work on your marriage. Why, your infidelity is a good thing, really, because it takes the pressure off your wife.

 

So - sarcasm aside (and I have lots more where that came from...) your first post seems to me to be about your uncertainty about your feelings of jealousy over your OW dating - not even about the general issue of cheating. Is that still the case; are you still trying to figure out how to have your OW and keep things balanced out, or has your dilemma switched now to whether or not to stop, whether or not to tell your wife, whether or not to try to work on your marriage, etc?

 

Incidentally, you say:

If either one of us starts to fall in love, we'll call the thing off before it gets out of hand.

...followed a few lines later by the admission that you felt jealousy over her going on a date. I think you have a profound ability to rationalize hiding the truth (both from yourself and your wife), and I think you are doing it here. I think you are already in deeper than you admit to yourself.

[plainoldjared]

This scares me to death. My fear is that if we go into counseling, things are going to come out that will be very hurtful and might make things even worse. In a way, I almost prefer complacent and boring to conflict. I know, I know - that sounds chickensh*t.

 

I don't see how this is helpful, but no I don't think she is. If she wanted to, I'd probably endorse it.

 

Well, for sure I'm not going to tell her what I did. My whole goal here was to keep the family together, not break it apart. As for your suggestion that I tell her I'm about to do it, I see where you're coming from, but isn't that a slippery slope? If I tell her that, she'll become alert and suspicious, and maybe find out what I did anyway. I suppose the counseling suggestion would be a better way to air the problem.[/quote

 

I read your thread from beginning to end, and unfortunately you come off sounding like a selfish chicken**** adulterer. Your wife had your child, does she work too? Have you asked her how you can help take some stress off her? Have you done everything you can to let her know that youre there for her and your child and that you want to make your family the happiest its ever been? Have you told her that you miss the flame you had and that you would like to work together fun time into your lives? If you have and nothing worked then definitely I get your frustration but that is still NO reason to cheat on your family. And whats this about you endorsing her cheating? BULL, how can you be jealous that your skank is going on a date yet you endorse your wife getting a side gig? Do you have low self esteem? Are you afraid of your wife? WHATS UP MAN?! Talk to your wife DONT threaten her thats ridiculous and petty be a man and try everything you can to fix your marriage.

[KGwynne]

Thanks to everyone for responding to my post.

 

It's with some disappointment that I note only a couple of respondants addressed my original question. I guess this isn't really a good place to discuss the issues arising inside an EMA, because it seems almost everyone would rather make the argument that the EMA shouldn't happen in the first place.

 

Having said that, there have been some responses that were persuasive on the issue of trying to repair my marriage. (I don't include among these the moralizing and plain insults of some.) I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. I got into the EMA less from thinking and more by reacting to my feelings of need and neglect, but it's time to turn my brain back on. I'll find a way to approach my wife, air some issues and see if we can't work together on improving things at home.

 

I don't know whether this will ultimately lead to me falling back in love with my wife. Regardless, I'm still committed to providing a stable home and a positive environment for my kids. I figure it's better for them to have two parents at home who are friends, as opposed to just one parent.

 

Please note that after this I don't plan on checking back on this thread, so you're welcome to respond, but I probably won't see it.

 

Thanks again.

[Trimmer]

It's with some disappointment that I note only a couple of respondants addressed my original question. I guess this isn't really a good place to discuss the issues arising inside an EMA, because it seems almost everyone would rather make the argument that the EMA shouldn't happen in the first place.

Actually, the atmosphere around here tends to be one where we don't do a lot of sharing about how to make affairs work emotionally, which was, effectively, your original question.

 

And you are right, the common feeling here tends to be that affairs should not take place, or that one should endeavor to stop them and repair the damage if they have already started. Sorry if that disappoints you, but you did, in a fairly short time, get a pretty good feel for the group here.

 

Good luck. I wish the best to you and your wife.

[Hard2Think]

I can sympathize with your frustration at the advice on your situation. I tried for years to find a way to get through to my wife that things were not well in our marriage at all. I got plenty of meaningless advice about how to fix things .. such as drawing a bubble bath for her, more flowers, and all that bunk.

 

What was all the more frustrating is that I wasn't asking for anything other than love, affection, and sex with some desire. It seems ludicrous that a spouse should even have to even ask for these things. But there I was.

 

I don't know about your wife - but with my wife, there was just NOTHING I could do to get the message across. She just couldn't understand what the hell my problem was. And even after all we've just been through, I'm pretty sure she often thinks the problems we had and were not real problems, but just excuses so I could "bang other women".

 

If I could do things differently - I would have warned my wife that she's looking too much like a roommate to me and that I may need to go elsewhere to get what I want. I would have told her that I really want her and that I'm sorry it has come down to this - but that I feel that I at least owe telling her.

 

But I would NOT tell her that you already had an affair. There's just nothing good that can come out of that. She'll suffer terribly and there's nothing either one of you can do to change it. The way things are - you'll always be wrong because you had an affair while she'll get a free pass for having neglected you in the marriage.

 

But that's just my two cents. I'm willing to bet that every situation is different.

 

Thanks to everyone for responding to my post.

 

It's with some disappointment that I note only a couple of respondants addressed my original question. I guess this isn't really a good place to discuss the issues arising inside an EMA, because it seems almost everyone would rather make the argument that the EMA shouldn't happen in the first place.

 

Having said that, there have been some responses that were persuasive on the issue of trying to repair my marriage. (I don't include among these the moralizing and plain insults of some.) I guess I have a lot of thinking to do. I got into the EMA less from thinking and more by reacting to my feelings of need and neglect, but it's time to turn my brain back on. I'll find a way to approach my wife, air some issues and see if we can't work together on improving things at home.

 

I don't know whether this will ultimately lead to me falling back in love with my wife. Regardless, I'm still committed to providing a stable home and a positive environment for my kids. I figure it's better for them to have two parents at home who are friends, as opposed to just one parent.

 

Please note that after this I don't plan on checking back on this thread, so you're welcome to respond, but I probably won't see it.

 

Thanks again.

[Trimmer]

H2T - his frustration at the advice was that no one directly addressed his original question:

 

I don't know if this is something I'll get over in time, or if it will just get worse. My cynical nature says it's the latter. Is something like this even remotely workable? Or do I just need to deal with the harsh reality that I can't have my cake and eat it too?

In other words, how do I get over my jealousy at my OW dating, and how do I make my affair work?

 

That's a far cry from asking for advice on how to make his marriage work - an issue which he didn't even touch on.

[LittleLady]

You are such a creep.

I can't believe you were willing to throw 18 years of marriage down the drain. You obviously don't love this woman, yet were willing to impregnate her. She went through hard labor to have your child and doesn't feel appreciated for good reason. YOu are a selfish pig!

[LittleLady]

This is conflict avoidance. If you don't ask for what you need, if you don't negotiate for it.... how can you expect to get it?

 

Your needs are yours to deal with. It's not your wife's responsibility to read your mind. It's YOUR responsibility to bring your lack of fulfillment to her attention. And in some cases to KEEP bringing it to her attention until she fully understands what it is that you're trying to communicate to her.

 

Most guys think they've accomplished making their position clear to their wives, but more often than not they really haven't.

 

 

Exactly. And conflict avoidance actually leads straight to divorce. Because instead of arguments (which are very healthy) to straighten up problems, some people let those problems sit because they don't want to fight, which ends up leading to straying because they aren't getting what they want. That's what I believe because a study showed that the couples that fought the least were more likely to divorce.

 

In an ideal world, if I could continue with 100% certainty that my wife would never find out, that I would never get an STD, that I would not fall in love and wish to leave my family, I would continue.

 

Can you be any more selfish? Is it age that brings that about in men? Honestly, do you give two ****s about your wife and how she would feel?

[LittleLady]

BULL, how can you be jealous that your skank is going on a date yet you endorse your wife getting a side gig?

 

Exactly.

 

This guy is so delusional to rationalize his own behavior, it's not even funny.

[LittleLady]

You don't tell your wife... not because it will hurt her... but because you KNOW it will anger her enough to infringe on the quality of care she gives to your family, like cooking for your selfish ass, cleaning and taking care of the kids. Plus, it will mess up that FRIENDSHIP you have and add TONS OF CONFLICT which you admitted you DO NOT LIKE and LOVE TO AVOID! ME ME ME ME

Let us all repeat: "ME ME ME ME ME ME ME"

 

Go find a sculptor.. and tell him to create a statue mirroring yourself. Then move out of your home and move into an apartment with your statue and live with yourself for a while. Not to mention divorce your poor wife.

Afterall, I don't think you have any capacity to actually care or think selflessly for ANYBODY ELSE! You should be a BACHELOR; NOT A HUSBAND!

 

With all of these completely selfish remarks oozing out of you, there is no doubt this woman is probably pretty unhappy as well. I guess it's her fault as well for not picking up on your character for 18 years, or I can say even 12 years which is when she decided to spawn your children.

 

The fact that you knew there was problems after the first child, but you continued to knock her up without any discussion on the problems in your marriage is really asking for it. And you still blame your wife, huh?

[LittleLady]

"and I figured a little something on the side would help me feel better until the kids get a bit older and my wife becomes more 'available' to me. "

 

Ever care to think what would make your wife feel better so that she actually has time for you?

Your wife is working her butt off to take care of your family. What does she get in the next few years to "feel better"? NOTHING??? A woman doesn't just become a "bitch" for no reason. She is exhausted and probably feels taken for granted.

 

And with your attitude and behavior, you wonder why she doesn't want to be around you.

Reading your words are disgusting enough. Living with you would be an unbelievable feat in itself.

[Guest]

Ditto! Ditto! Ditto! Why do you selfish ass married men marry anyway. Just stay a bachelor and screw around all you like. Hire a surrogate to have your children and pay her every month. Eat at restaurants for your meals and put your clothes in the laundry. Don't take vows when you know you haven't the backbone to keep them. Don't speak of love as you know nothing about it and stay alone and be alone like the roving shark you are!!!!

[LittleLady]

I don't know whether this will ultimately lead to me falling back in love with my wife. Regardless, I'm still committed to providing a stable home and a positive environment for my kids. I figure it's better for them to have two parents at home who are friends, as opposed to just one parent.

 

 

 

How is ignoring all of your problems and giving little support in your home resulting in your wife becoming a "bitchy" mother and you screwing around "positive"? This will affect their lives one way or another. Because your relationship seems pretty ****ty and she probably will take it out on the kids and you. Not to mention behavioral patterns your kids will learn from you.

 

And now YOU decide to "repair" the marriage? How convenient. Shouldn't that be up to the wife after you tell her the truth? Oh, but from the impression you gave, you seem to have no problems with "affairs". Nice positive influence there daddy dearest. I bet your kids are already picking up on your selfishness and putting it into their own character. It'll be nice when they dump you in a nursing home one day because it would make their lives inconvenient otherwise.

[Guest]

I competely feel you pain, because like you, I also had an affair thinking that it would be a no strings attached relationship and in the end it didn't work out.....and I ended up getting hurt. I understand why you don't want to tell your wife, and wouldn't blame you if you didn't.....maybe you would be just causing her undue pain and risking the chance that your children could grow up with divorced parents. I think peope sometimes need to take a step back and walk in someone elses shoes for awhile before they are so quick to judge

[americat]

I think peope sometimes need to take a step back and walk in someone elses shoes for awhile before they are so quick to judge

 

I agree. You pigs should try walking in your wives shoes and think of how she would feel before you make such an immature and irresponsible move that puts your whole marriage at risk. Bet you've never done that hypocrite. If you tried and really were in touch with her feelings, you wouldn't have done such stupid things.

Sometimes a divorced home is better than the woman being constantly abused emotionally by a man who can't keep it in the pants. Afterall, he turned her into a "bitch" and I'm sure takes it out on the kids. She would probably be a better mother without him.

[Ladyjane14]

In an earlier post, the OP has stated that he probably won't be checking back on this thread. On the off-chance that he does though.... I hope he knows that the vitriol of some of these posts is not the norm for LS.

 

Yeah, we speak frankly at times. I know I do anyway.

But the name-calling and personal attacks are NOT what a guy or gal should have to expect when they share their troubles here. :(

[PinkShorts]

I think name-calling is on his level. I take offense that he calls his wife a bitch after he cheats on her. I've never read posts so self-absorbed in my life. She's a bitch taking care of house and children meanwhile he is a 'good husband' who just happened to cheat. Hmm. What he deserves is a good kick in the you know what.

 

-pinky

[Ladyjane14]

I think name-calling is on his level. I take offense that he calls his wife a bitch after he cheats on her. I've never read posts so self-absorbed in my life.

 

I've got a totally different take on this guy, Pinky. Yeah, I flippantly (and deliberately) rattled his cage in my first post to him by saying.... " Is your wife also getting a little somethin' on the side?"

 

His response told me a little something about him....

"I don't see how this is helpful, but no I don't think she is. If she wanted to, I'd probably endorse it."

 

What it told me is that he was sensitive to criticism, and very likely emotionally charged. Probables say his conscience is still working then, otherwise he wouldn't have taken offense.

 

By his final post.... he still wasn't really digging it, but he had talked things over a little bit and was willing to re-examine his original stance:

.....there have been some responses that were persuasive on the issue of trying to repair my marriage. (I don't include among these the moralizing and plain insults of some.) I guess I have a lot of thinking to do.

 

People f*ck up from time to time. I could chew through a box of ten-penny nails... that's how mad I get now and then.

But derisive name-calling NEVER changes a thing.

[PinkShorts]

Well I hope somehow the wife makes out decent in the end.

I'm so amazed how most of the married men posting out here experience little to no guilt. While the W having the affair usually has some form of guilt. It's like these men have absolutely no empathy for their wives and that bothers me. How can he 'endorse' his wife fooling around, yet be insanely jealous over some ow he barely knows seeing other men? ugh.