I got what I wanted, unfortunately.

[KGwynne]

I've been with my wife for 18 years, and we've been married for 12. Over the past 5 years, since having our first child, the nature of our relationship has changed. It's the age-old story of the new father who suddenly finds that he doesn't get his wife's attention anymore, because it all goes to the children. Plus, since she's been in 'mommy mode', she's become sort of...well...a bitch. Very inflexible, obsessive, and a little mean (not to the kids).

 

Anyway, I've always been faithful and a good husband, until now. I finally just got fed up and started meeting women online and chatting. I felt so dead inside, I just wanted to find someone who could put the 'spark' back into my life. I have no desire to break up my family, and I figured a little something on the side would help me feel better until the kids get a bit older and my wife becomes more 'available' to me.

 

I figured that I could find a woman who wanted a married man in her life, because she just wasn't interested in a full-time serious relationship. And after a few months of searching, and several false starts, I found her. Our understanding is that we will see each other on the side, but of course since I'm not really 'available' to her, she can date as she likes. If either one of us starts to fall in love, we'll call the thing off before it gets out of hand.

 

Now we've only been doing this for a few weeks and already, for the first time in ages, I've got that 'new romance' feeling back in my life. It's wonderful, and exactly what I wanted! But I'm also realizing how stupid I was. Along with this comes all sorts of thoughts and desires that just can't be fulfilled because I'm not free. And what's worse, I found out last night that she was going out on a date and I felt jealous! How ridiculous is that?! Rationally, I know that she can't commit herself to me because I can't commit myself to her. But emotionally, I just can't help feeling this way.

 

I don't know if this is something I'll get over in time, or if it will just get worse. My cynical nature says it's the latter. Is something like this even remotely workable? Or do I just need to deal with the harsh reality that I can't have my cake and eat it too?

[beach]

Wouldn't it be a bit easier and simplify your life if you worked with your wife on your marriage... in an honest forum?

 

Try counseling! Try reconnecting, go on a long weekend with her - and find romance again!

 

It certainly is worth a try, and lose all the other distractions in the meantime, just to be fair...

[Ladyjane14]

Is your wife also getting a little somethin' on the side?

 

If not, why not??? What sauce for the gander ought to be sauce for the goose, don't ya think?

 

Here's our most recent example of why EMRs (extramarital relationships) don't work. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94408/

[Hard2Think]

I'm the guy in the thread. Yeah - I can tell you it's not worth it once the sh*t hits the fan. But like you, I had heard that advice before and it meant nothing to me.

 

I also understand your motivations 100%. I was there. It is exhilarating and the sex can be great. You will likely fall in love because this "we'll stop when it gets out of hand" stuff never works that way.

 

If I were you - I'd wouldn't tell the wife what you did. But do tell her that you're about to do it. She may get the wakeup call you need her to get and if not - she can never say she asn't warned.

 

Is your wife also getting a little somethin' on the side?

 

If not, why not??? What sauce for the gander ought to be sauce for the goose, don't ya think?

 

Here's our most recent example of why EMRs (extramarital relationships) don't work. http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t94408/

[KGwynne]

Thanks for the responses so far. My comments:

 

Wouldn't it be a bit easier and simplify your life if you worked with your wife on your marriage... in an honest forum?

 

Try counseling!

 

 

This scares me to death. My fear is that if we go into counseling, things are going to come out that will be very hurtful and might make things even worse. In a way, I almost prefer complacent and boring to conflict. I know, I know - that sounds chickensh*t.

 

Is your wife also getting a little somethin' on the side?

 

I don't see how this is helpful, but no I don't think she is. If she wanted to, I'd probably endorse it.

 

If I were you - I'd wouldn't tell the wife what you did. But do tell her that you're about to do it. She may get the wakeup call you need her to get and if not - she can never say she asn't warned.

 

Well, for sure I'm not going to tell her what I did. My whole goal here was to keep the family together, not break it apart. As for your suggestion that I tell her I'm about to do it, I see where you're coming from, but isn't that a slippery slope? If I tell her that, she'll become alert and suspicious, and maybe find out what I did anyway. I suppose the counseling suggestion would be a better way to air the problem.

[Hard2Think]

Thanks for the responses so far. My comments:

 

Well, for sure I'm not going to tell her what I did. My whole goal here was to keep the family together, not break it apart. As for your suggestion that I tell her I'm about to do it, I see where you're coming from, but isn't that a slippery slope? If I tell her that, she'll become alert and suspicious, and maybe find out what I did anyway. I suppose the counseling suggestion would be a better way to air the problem.

 

I think the best goal is to get your wife on board and be a lover. It's way better than the affairs in the end. I can't speak for counseling since I haven't done it yet .. but I think you need to warn her first. I wish I had done that.

[a4a]

Thanks for the responses so far. My comments:

 

 

 

 

This scares me to death. My fear is that if we go into counseling, things are going to come out that will be very hurtful and might make things even worse. In a way, I almost prefer complacent and boring to conflict. I know, I know - that sounds chickensh*t.

 

You cannot resolve problems by avoiding them... it is C-s**t

 

 

 

I don't see how this is helpful, but no I don't think she is. If she wanted to, I'd probably endorse it.

 

Nah you would end up in a jealous rage.....

 

 

 

Well, for sure I'm not going to tell her what I did. My whole goal here was to keep the family together, not break it apart. As for your suggestion that I tell her I'm about to do it, I see where you're coming from, but isn't that a slippery slope? If I tell her that, she'll become alert and suspicious, and maybe find out what I did anyway. I suppose the counseling suggestion would be a better way to air the problem.

 

Call a MC before the weekend..... use this weekend to talk to your wife about going to the appt with you. Set up the appt..... face your problems and then you are on your way to making sense of things....... without it your just avoiding all your problems and creating more.

 

Other option..... divorce your wife now.

[Hard2Think]

She's right. I would have scoffed at the advice a week ago. Now I know this is the way to go. Please trust me on this. I'm speaking from experience here.

 

Call a MC before the weekend..... use this weekend to talk to your wife about going to the appt with you. Set up the appt..... face your problems and then you are on your way to making sense of things....... without it your just avoiding all your problems and creating more.

 

Other option..... divorce your wife now.

[michaelk]

I don't know what the answer is to your situation, but I wish you luck in figuring it out.

[KGwynne]

This is the most selfish thing I think I've heard you say. Like above, it isn't the truth that will break up your family, it's the lies. Your W has a right 2 know what kind of man she's married 2. And the right 2 make her own choices as 2 whether she wants 2 stay married 2 your or divorce you. Give her the information she needs 2 make an informed decision.

...

If you're afraid 2 tell her the truth, then yes, the counseling session would be the place 2 tell it. But tell it you MUST.

I absolutely do not agree with the notion that W has some "right to know all truth" that trumps everything else. This sounds like idealogy without any concern for the practical implications.

 

My assertion is that if I walk away from the affair at this moment and never breathe a word of it to anyone, my family will be MUCH better off than if I bare all and let the chips fall where they may.

 

It's going to be challenging enough for us to work through the issues that brought me to this point in the first place. I fear that bringing up the affair will likely take things from repairable to not.

[Ladyjane14]

I absolutely do not agree with the notion that W has some "right to know all truth" that trumps everything else. This sounds like idealogy without any concern for the practical implications.

 

Are you sexually active with your wife as well as with other people?

If so, she did not CONSENT to sexual contact with anyone but you. Even when practicing safe sex you are putting her at risk regarding STD's. Herpes and HPV can be passed even when utilizing a condom. And if you are not practicing safe sex.... you are playing Russian Roulette with her very LIFE.

 

She ought to have something to say about that.

 

My assertion is that if I walk away from the affair at this moment and never breathe a word of it to anyone, my family will be MUCH better off than if I bare all and let the chips fall where they may.

 

If you never take a risk... you can never WIN. You couldn't fix the marital problems on your own before. Why do you think you're going to be able to fix them now? It takes TWO people working together to fix a broken relationship. Crisis is often the impetus that gets them both up off their butts.

 

It's going to be challenging enough for us to work through the issues that brought me to this point in the first place. I fear that bringing up the affair will likely take things from repairable to not.

 

That's a definite possibility. When she finds out, she might leave you. Some folks don't play.

 

Your alternative is to live out the rest of your life in the company of your own lies.

[KGwynne]

Are you sexually active with your wife as well as with other people?

If so, she did not CONSENT to sexual contact with anyone but you. Even when practicing safe sex you are putting her at risk regarding STD's. Herpes and HPV can be passed even when utilizing a condom. And if you are not practicing safe sex.... you are playing Russian Roulette with her very LIFE.

 

She ought to have something to say about that.

 

You make a good point. Yes, I have had sex with this woman, and yes I have used protection. She and I have also agreed that if she starts seeing someone else and sex is involved, that will be the end of us doing it. But of course there is no guarantee that she will tell me, just as the condoms are not 100%. Clearly the only sure way to eliminate the risk is just to stop.

 

Your alternative is to live out the rest of your life in the company of your own lies.

In response to this, and also 2long's comment about guilt, what can I say except that I don't feel guilty for what I've done, nor will I likely feel that way if I just "stuff what's happened". Finding that my life had become completely about providing for the needs of others, and with no one looking to fulfill my needs, I did a selfish thing and started this affair. Those things that I was missing are now being taken care of.

 

In an ideal world, if I could continue with 100% certainty that my wife would never find out, that I would never get an STD, that I would not fall in love and wish to leave my family, I would continue.

 

Given that this is not an ideal world, and one of these things is likely to happen eventually, I have to face the reality that what I should do is go back to the way things were before. That way my children will be guaranteed of having a stable home to grow up in, and with some luck my wife will start to come back to earth once my youngest is a few years older. Then we can spend some time on each other again.

[whichwayisup]

You could hide it from her, but what if the OW you were having an affair with told your wife? Or somebody who knows of the affair tells her...Never say never...You don't know if someone you know 'saw' you together with someone other than your wife...You don't know what lengths a scorned woman will go through, if emotionally driven and hurt enough. Go read afew threads in the OW/OM section or as recent thread by Hard2Think.

 

 

This scares me to death. My fear is that if we go into counseling, things are going to come out that will be very hurtful and might make things even worse. In a way, I almost prefer complacent and boring to conflict. I know, I know - that sounds chickensh*t.

 

So what? Life is hard, marriage is hard. Atleast by going to counselling you two have a shot at fixing it. If it doesn't work out, so be it but atleast you'll feel better about giving it your best before it ending.

 

Also, you took a chance by cheating on her ... To her, that would mean you don't love her, desire her anymore - SO in your heart and in your penis, the marriage is dead anyway, right? And in your mind - You convinced yourself it was OK to do.

[KGwynne]

You could hide it from her, but what if the OW you were having an affair with told your wife? Or somebody who knows of the affair tells her...Never say never...You don't know if someone you know 'saw' you together with someone other than your wife...You don't know what lengths a scorned woman will go through, if emotionally driven and hurt enough. Go read afew threads in the OW/OM section or as recent thread by Hard2Think.

 

Yes, I've read some of that thread. It's not fun to contemplate. I've made it VERY clear to my OW that I will never leave my family. In fact, she brought it up initially, insisting that she didn't want to get involved in a divorce situation. So I think we're starting on the same page. Of course, things could change if she gets overly involved, then I'll be in a bad spot.

 

Also, you took a chance by cheating on her ... To her, that would mean you don't love her, desire her anymore - SO in your heart and in your penis, the marriage is dead anyway, right? And in your mind - You convinced yourself it was OK to do.

Yes, you're right. At some level, it does feel like the marriage is dead to me right now. It seems all we're left with are our obligations. I guess my hope has been that this is a temporary situation. That when the kids are a bit older and she goes back to work, she'll come out of 'mommy mode' and things will improve. Maybe I'm deluding myself.

[whichwayisup]

Yes, you are deluding yourself. And holy f**k'n cow man, "mommy mode". If your children could read this now.......That sentence makes me sick to my stomach. Imagine the reaction of your wife, let alone your own flesh and blood, to BLAME kids for the fact that his/her mother is not in the mood for sex. How old are they?

 

Get a divorce now. The longer you emotional detach from your wife and sleep with other women (I can assume that if this one dumps you, you'll move onto another?) the less chance you have to "fix" the marriage in the future. Not only that but how can you live such a lie? Not only to your wife and your children but your whole extended family?

 

I know you don't get this and probably won't for a long time...But one day you're going to look back with so much guilt, saddness and regret.

[KGwynne]

I don't believe you're "marriage material." It's sad that you have a family.

 

You know, there's not enough time or space available for me to properly respond to that. Suffice it to say that I've been a faithful, loving, considerate and kind husband and father for many years. There are so very many families in far worse situations than my own that I just can't buy your assessment of me. Because if I'm not 'marriage material', then we'd might as well abolish marriage except for a small percentage of people who are somehow inhumanly perfect.

 

This is also verbatim from the "Cheater's manual". It's all about you. When you realize that nobody but yourself is responsible for making you happy, you'll be better able 2 be in a committed relationship. Maybe in another decade or 2?

I finally did realize that only I am responsible for making me happy. That's why I finally stopped wallowing in the boredom of my marriage and took the initiative to do something about it.

[whichwayisup]

I finally did realize that only I am responsible for making me happy. That's why I finally stopped wallowing in the boredom of my marriage and took the initiative to do something about it

 

Then stop being so selfish and only thinking of yourself. Get a divorce. If you're unhappy and want sex all the time - Do just that, but end things with your wife. Yeah you did something about it, but on the expense of your wife and your children!

[KGwynne]

Yes, you are deluding yourself. And holy f**k'n cow man, "mommy mode". If your children could read this now.......That sentence makes me sick to my stomach. Imagine the reaction of your wife, let alone your own flesh and blood, to BLAME kids for the fact that his/her mother is not in the mood for sex. How old are they?

 

Whoa! Who said I was blaming the kids? Hell, I don't even blame my wife. "Mommy mode" is simply a flippant way of referring to the fact that mothers of small children go through a period when they are totally focused on the kids. That's where my wife is right now. And it's not just about sex, either. She simply has no energy left for me at the end of the day. No conversation, no dinner, no nothing.

 

Now, to set straight whatever ideas you've got in your head about me, let me say that I respect her for everything she does, I try to support and help her as much as I can, and I never give her grief about any of the issues I mentioned above. She works hard - hell, harder than I do - and I appreciate that.

 

Now, in a few years when the kids are both in school and she isn't burdened so much by having little ones in the house, it is my honest hope that things will improve.

 

Jeez - it's amazing how quickly people are willing to paint me with the 'evil cheater' brush. I know I'm not perfect, but I'm just trying to honestly express my thoughts and feelings here in the hopes of getting some constructive input.

[KGwynne]

If you're unhappy and want sex all the time - Do just that

 

There's the 'evil cheater' brush again. I never said I "want sex all the time".

[whichwayisup]

But you want it enough to take a chance and ruin your marriage for good.

 

I got you thinking and reacting now. Good! And I mean that in a nice way because what I think doesn't matter, what matters is how your wife is going to feel if/when she finds out about your affair. What I said to you is NOTHING compared to the hurt, devastation she will be feeling. Take that into consideration.

[KGwynne]

I got you thinking and reacting now. Good! And I mean that in a nice way because what I think doesn't matter, what matters is how your wife is going to feel if/when she finds out about your affair. What I said to you is NOTHING compared to the hurt, devastation she will be feeling. Take that into consideration.

 

Point taken.

[Ladyjane14]

....and I never give her grief about any of the issues I mentioned above.

 

This is conflict avoidance. If you don't ask for what you need, if you don't negotiate for it.... how can you expect to get it?

 

Your needs are yours to deal with. It's not your wife's responsibility to read your mind. It's YOUR responsibility to bring your lack of fulfillment to her attention. And in some cases to KEEP bringing it to her attention until she fully understands what it is that you're trying to communicate to her.

 

Most guys think they've accomplished making their position clear to their wives, but more often than not they really haven't.

[JamesM]

KG, I understand exactly how you feel and why you cheated. I do not think worse of you for it. I know that is unusual to say, but I will.

 

Having been where you are...almost, I will say different than others. Get yourself tested for STDs. You said she had another date. There is no guarantee that she isn't having sex with other...she probably is. If you are STD free, then I think quitting now and ..yes, I will say it...keeping this affair a secret is an option. However, the negative to this is that the OW may have developed feelings for you and may not let you off easily. Or there is always a possibility that this secret will come out at some point in life. Maybe the OW shows up at a school function. Your future son/daughter in-law is related. The possibilities are endless. If none of that is true, then a secret it can remain. But if it comes out at a later date, and you have rebuilt your marriage, then you will have a bigger problem. If this was using porn or visiting a massage parlor, then it could remain a secret. But when another person is involved, this cannot be assumed.

 

Avoiding conflict seems to be the way you handle your differences with your wife...did I read that correctly? If so, then this is why she is remaining in the mommy mode. I have four children. But it wasn't until after our children were all born that sex began to dwindle. I do think that this was part of the problem, but it was not all of it by far. As a husband, you must consider this temporary and declare yourself faithful. My favorite phrase has been: "This too shall pass." Saying this has gotten me through some bad times.

 

Now I need to ask if there is any medical reason that she no longer wants sex. I feel like a broken record, but if you read my first thread you will see where I am coming from. My wife lost her libdio gradually due to hypothyroidism. A change in medicine not only brought her libido back, it also brought her out of a depression and took away pain that was in her body day after day. Before this new med, she was very unpredictable as far as mood. Stress from everyday things really affected her. The new wife is so much different. I cannot tell you all of the hurtful things she said to me, and how she said no more sex ever. If I had done what I wanted to do, she would still be in pain, and I would be in an affair.

 

My suggestion...sit back and DECIDE to love your wife again. Love is not a feeling, it is a choice. I not only believe it...I know it from experience. Focus on what you love about her, what you admire about her, and what she is to your children. Forget about sex....what I mean is that this refocusing is not about sex, it is about the bigger picture. It is about firing up your marriage. From experience, I can say that this works. Become her friend. Then come up with creative ways that you can bring her out of the mommy mode. Date nights, flowers, and free nights out are very much apreciated. Lingerie is not. Spending time just listening to her can help. When all of the above doesn't work, come up with new ideas. Truly, "if at first you don't succeed" is a good rule to follow. And yes, I know. Four years of virtually no sex is hard to take.

 

Truthfully, you have cheated once. It is so much easier to cheat again and flee from conflict. But the "rewards" for an affair include loss of family, loss of personal respect, loss of children's respect and possibly love, and even loss of job. The devastation is huge. H2T has told you his story. There are so many stories like his. And kinda tongue in cheek, if you want unattached sex, go to a prostitute. It would definitely be more secretive.

 

Now the rewards of a rebuilt marriage are great. There is a happier family, a happier wife, good example for your children in their future marriage, etc. The satisfaction of knowing that you single-handedly revived a marriage that was heading for disaster is gratifying. And I can say that in my case, the extra reward of a grateful wife for solving not only the loss of her libdio but also resolving her life of physical pain is extremely rewarding. She will never forget that. Do you know how that makes her feel about MY love for her?

 

Hang in there. Do not flee...fight. You can win the battle of love.

[KGwynne]

This is conflict avoidance. If you don't ask for what you need, if you don't negotiate for it.... how can you expect to get it?

 

You're right of course, but I come home at the end of the day and see how tired she is, and I feel guilty about making her deal with any of my issues. I mean, if the kids are well cared for and happy, why should I make her life harder by pointing out the things that aren't getting done?

[Ladyjane14]

You're right of course, but I come home at the end of the day and see how tired she is, and I feel guilty about making her deal with any of my issues. I mean, if the kids are well cared for and happy, why should I make her life harder by pointing out the things that aren't getting done?

 

It's okay to let the little things slide. But when you let things go that are big enough to cause you to become withdrawn from the relationship, you haven't done your job. Making sure that you're communicating your most essential needs is part of your job.

 

Like you... I've got a tendancy to avoid conflict. I didn't have an affair over it. What I did instead is emotionally withdraw from the relationship, to the point where my husband was seeking female attention from others. He was acting like an ass for the most part, frustrated because he couldn't get his needs met. Rather than face the prospect of fighting, I found it easier to avoid him as much as possible, and when I couldn't avoid him... I placated him until I withdraw from his company.

 

What I've learned is that it's MY JOB to get in there and face the conflict. It doesn't matter if we're talking about his needs or mine. Each of us must prioritize the others needs as if they were our own. We're not talking wants here. We're talking about the basic things that we need from each other that make us happier to be together rather than alone.

 

It's his job to communicate with me, mine to communicate with him. When we don't, we're not living up to our responsibility within the marriage.

 

Listen to Brother James. He's got his sitch worked out.