Cheated on wife, coping?

[SPR]

Hi..

Warning...This is a long one!!

 

A few months ago I entered into an email relationship with a friend that I work with. At first it was just conversation about mundane things, work, silly stuff. At some point she started ending her notes with "I love you" and starting saying things like "I miss you" and such. I asked her not to, as we were just friends, and she said she meant it as a friend. Now, I know we were not close enough for that kind of talk, but honestly I got a bit of a buzz from her saying it. I really wasn't particularly attracted to her, only as a freind, but for some reason I got a buzz out of it, and didn't try to stop it. I said to, but not very firmly. Now, there were some things I was percieving as "wrong" in my mariage, my wife was working a lot more, going to bed earlier, and some part of me felt she didn't have time for me. Instead of doing the right thing, I spent time conversing with the "other woman". Now I never wanted this "relationship" to become sexual, or spill over into reality. We never really talked about sex or anything else in our exchanges. The closest I got was maybe a quick flash in my mind. My wife says said her name one night in my sleep. Maybe some of me did want something else, but my conscious mind knew I would never let it go there.

So, her boyfriend finds some of the emails in her sent items and becomes convinced we are really sleeping together. He calls my wife, and then I do the dumbest thing I've ever done. Instead of owning up to the emails, I denied it all. I cannot even tell you why. I never lie to my wife, I'm not a deceptive person at my core. I know I should have said something about these emails, but I felt sort of ashamed, and knew it would hurt her. Now most of the emails were fairly tame, but there was one in particular where she jokingly said something about meeting up in a park to do things. It was uncalled for, but that's the type of stuff she had started saying. Anyhow, her boyfriend found her diaries where she had written fantasies she has had about me. These are being taken as fact unfortunately. Now everything is being called into question. We were on a business trip together a few months back, and there have been a couple of times where if I was screwing around I could have. I now have the burden of proof to prove that is never did, and never was going to become physical.

 

But...that is not the important part to me.

 

My wife is going through all the classic stages of dealing with infidelity, and yes, I know even though it was a "cyber" relationship, it was indeed cheating. She is devoted to keeping our marriage together, as am I. She has confided in her family, and a few of our friends that have given her advice to pretty much forgive me because, as she says they put it "he's a good man" They want her to start the healing process, but I understand she has to work through the emotions. I would like to start repairing things as quickly as possible, but I know it's a long hard road.

 

We had a calm, long discussion last night about issues, grievences, and what the future holds. I have a list of things I must work on to strenthen the marriage. And I will.

 

I'm sorry it took this to pull my head out of my ass, but my eyes are now open, and my main concern is helping her learn to trust me and not feel betrayed and hurt. Then on to fixing my shortcomings in the marriage!

 

Does anyone have any advice for me??

 

 

Thanks ion advance

[Returning]

Hmmm your actions have been at best frivolous and at worst unwise. Try and hold onto that, your actions were unwise. Don't value judge them as anything else and start beating yourself up as you will get into a trough and may dig the hole a little deeper.

 

I don't know if this is cool to do this here so I will appologise first if I'm wrong but I am not a book seller and am just offering advice. I would recommend a book called 'NLP & Relationships' by Robin Prior & Joseph O'Conner, ISBN 0-7225-3868-5.

 

Read the book before you take a knife and fork to the situation in hand. It may help you understand why what happened did, why you became involved at all, what were you lacking? Moreover, it may help you build a better relationship than you previously had with your wife.

 

Hope it all works out for you anyway, it all comes out in the wash, it always does.

[SPR]

Thanks for the advice. I will get that book, sounds like a valuable tool.

We have had many discussions the last couple of days about how things are. Valid points were brought up, and I think we are on the way to healing.

 

Last night she said she would rather know with 100% that I had actually slept with the other woman, so she could start dealing with that, instead of being uncertain. Now part of me wants to lie and say, yes we did, take the "heat", but give her closure, but the overwhelming part of me, that lied about it in the first place, can't because it would be another lie that admittedly would help her gain closure, but I made a vow to myself, and her never to lie again. I really am not a deceptive person, and lying does go against my nature. Thinking more about all of this, I feel that maybe my subconcious was trying to make me get caught at something, anything that would bring on a confrontation. Only then would I be able to own up to some issues I really needed to address, but for whatever reason I couldn't.

 

Thanks again! I know this will get better.....

[Returning]

Whoa!!! steady on....If you didn't 'do' the other woman don't lie about it. In the longrun that will be worse. There is only one reason what happened did 'opportunity' pure and simple. Why you capitalised on the opportunity is another story. Get the book, it will help I'm sure

[P1xie]

My brother and his wife are going through the exact same thing. She found some e-mails. The two work together and there were times he was really late coming home from work.

 

She is trying to deal with did he or did he not sleep with her. If you did not sleep with her ease her mind and say you didn't. Don't say stupid things like my brother such as (the woman is not very attractive) look at her, you don't think I could do better than that?

 

You have already lied to her. Apologize and tell her point blank YOU DID NOT SLEEP WITH HER!!!

 

The evidence is against you and it may take some convincing and time. My brother had a emotionally intimate relationship with another woman for over a year. It hurt my sister-inlaw immensely but half truths and full lies don't make it better.

[JamesM]

If what you said is true, then why is your wife having a hard time believing you?

 

I think my wife would believe me if I told such a story which was true, but it would also depend on my appearance of honesty. The only reaon my wife wouldn't is that I have gone to a massage parlor six or seven years ago. But the way I would have told her...in other words am I truthful...yes or no? She can definitely tell when I am hiding something.

 

I understand that you lying about the emails was probably the biggest stumbling block for her now to accept your story. However, she appears to be getting past that.

 

Have you been having problems in your marriage? Have you done anything before that would give her reason to doubt your story? What about this OW and her bf...does your wife know them?

 

Anyow, just some questions.

 

Advice...keep working at it...you appear to be on the right track. However, don't this be suddenly a "now you are at fault for everything in our marriage" discussion from your wife to you.