jenna1975 Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Hi! I know there have probably been a lot of these topics but I need advice. Sorry this is so long too!!! I am 30 and have been dating a guy (who is 10 months younger than me) for 3 1/2 years. 3 days ago he told me he needed space and time. Let me fill you in on what lead up to this: For the past year we have both been getting blocked calls from someone saying we were cheating on each other etc. For the life of us we can't figure out who it is. Somehow, they were able to access his voicemail password and called me to play his messages to me. One of the messages was from a girl. That wouldn't have normally bothered me except I have never heard of this girl the entire time we were dating. Of course, I freaked out. I drove out to his house and confronted him. He swore to me it was a cousin of a friend that he has only seen at family parties and never hung out with. He swears he has never cheated on me. Deep down I believe him. We have joint cell phone accounts so I could see anyone he has called or texted. I don't look because I trust him. This lead him into saying he doesn't think he can give me what I want (marriage). We are from different cultures (he is Afghan and I am American). By the way, the girl he has been talking to is Afghan too. The age difference is bothering him. Even though it is slight, he feels that by the time he is ready to have kids it will be too late for me. In his family, others have married outside of his culture. I have told him that I embrace his culture w/ open arms, I want to learn all about it, and learn to speak the language etc. He first acted like he wanted to break up completely but then said he needed his time and space to think things through. To find out what he really wanted. He didn't want to break up. His meaning of space = not seeing each other but we can call each other. I asked why he changed his mind and he said that me learning the language would make a huge difference. I was really crying when I was talking to him. I know how he gets when I cry. He says he hates it. I almost feel like he changed his mind because me crying was breaking his heart and he could not do this to me. I wanted to leave but he asked me to stay because he would be worried about me driving in that condition so late. So, I stayed. All through the night he cuddled up to me and kissed my shoulder, arm, or forehead. When we got up in the moring and I left he hugged me and told me he loved me. When I got home that morning he called an hour later. I texted him some info that he had wanted previously and he texted me back. Then he called to let me know he got another blocked call and asked if I got the same. He asked if I could call our cell company to find out the blocked number. The idiots there but a block ID on our phones so when we call out it shows up blocked. He called to let me know so I could change it again. We called a couple of more times about this and then didn't talk for the rest of the night. I got a blocked call the next day and called him to see if it was him and if his phone was fixed. Then, I did something that might have been stupid. I wrote him a letter of everything I was feeling. Then I mailed it. I freaked out and called him to warn him it was coming. After that we did not talk. He just called me now. He sounded upset. We just chit chatted and before we got off the phone I asked if he was OK. He sounded stuffy and upset. He said something but the phone cut out. It sounded like believe it or not he is having a hard time...... Opinions? advice? Thank you!
superconductor Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 In short, "We should take a break" = "I want to break up with you but haven't got the courage to say it to your face." Sorry...
typical Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I think this: He needs his space. What does that mean? Might have to do with this: By the way, the girl he has been talking to is Afghan too Quite frankly, I believe that he wants to explore other options. Normally, I would take into consideration that sometimes people just need a break, especially if things are hectic in their lives and the relationship is becoming emotionally draining. But in this instance, it appears that external influences are at work. For one thing, there is this: For the past year we have both been getting blocked calls from someone saying we were cheating on each other etc. also, something about this: Somehow, they were able to access his voicemail password and called me to play his messages to me. bothers me....I wouldnt be surprised if perhaps it was he himself who *67 you, and played you the message. Perhaps a friend of his did this for him, with his consent and knowledge. Think about it, who is that close to him that they would have direct knowlegde of his password to his voicemail...besides himself of course... I think he might be taking the cowards way out, and trying like mad to backpeddle on the relationship, and when it didnt have the desired affect ie you breaking up with him, he then moved on to "i need space" but then said he needed his time and space to think things through. To find out what he really wanted. Meaning you or Afghan girl. This: he feels that by the time he is ready to have kids it will be too late for me Is truly ridiculous, given that the age difference is so slight, that it shouldnt matter at all. In fact, in certain months, you are both of the same exact age. That is a pathetic cowardly excuse. He is making it sound like it is a 10 year difference, for the love of jonah... I find this: I have told him that I embrace his culture w/ open arms, I want to learn all about it, and learn to speak the language etc. and this: I asked why he changed his mind and he said that me learning the language would make a huge difference. Most interesting indeed, especially when combined with this: he is Afghan and I am American). By the way, the girl he has been talking to is Afghan too He changed his mind when he learned that you were interested in learning the language, something him and Afghan girl already have in common, however, didnt change his mind enough to still want space....at least enough of it to where he can still see Afghan girl with a clear conscience... Dont worry, I am sure he will make his choice once he figures out who..i mean...what he wants... He swore to me it was a cousin of a friend that he has only seen at family parties and never hung out with. Friends are great, especially when one can pawn off the blame on them, guilt free and without fear of repercussions... It sounded like believe it or not he is having a hard time...... Yeah, decisions, decisions....and when he comes crawling back to you, dont accept him back so easily. Make him work for it. Has his family met you? And his friends? If so, what do they think of you?
rina_r Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 In short, "We should take a break" = "I want to break up with you but haven't got the courage to say it to your face." I agree with Superconductor, no matter how painful it sounds.
bluetuesday Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 i'm sorry, it sucks, but from the evidence here i too believe he wants to break it off and can't tell you. if you were genuinely all he wanted, he wouldn't be acting this way.
Author jenna1975 Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Thank you for your responses! I know he loves me. That's what makes this so hard. I have met his family. I am there most Saturdays and have dinner with them almost every Sunday. I get the impression his mother really likes me. As a matter of fact she was talking about Afghan weddings and traditions. She said she should bring me to one so I can see what they are like. I [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]think [/FONT][/sIZE]know that his family has a lot to do with this. His uncle is married to an American woman. By Afghan tradition, when the parents are not able to care for themselves, the youngest son takes them in. His g'mother was living with the uncle and his "white" wife. One day he said he could not take care of his mother anymore and she went to live w/ her son in CA. According to the family, it was the white woman's doing. She is evil, she is the devil. His mom is terrified of that happening w/ me. I try to get out and do things to get my mind off from this but it is hard. I am a teacher so my whole summer is nothing but free time. If I was working at least that would take my mind off things. My friends actually talked me into doing this Speed Dating thing tonight. I really don't want to go, especially since I am going alone. I feel it is too soon, especially since we are not broken up. They think I just need to get out and meet new people. I don't want to feel that I am betraying him but I can't sit around and wait while he makes his decision. It is hard to go out and [sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]find [/FONT][/sIZE]meet new people. Where do you go where there are 30 somethings that aren't only into hooking up?
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