in the middle of an affair & having a breakdown

[whichwayisup]

My first decision has to be whether i'm ending the relationship or not. If not, then I cannot let him know. If I am, then should I let him know or can I learn to cope with this secret and is he actually better off never knowing? I cannot imagine that conversation. I think it could possibly put him into the same depression I am in right now.

 

You can't keep your hubby around incase the shoe drops off with the online guy. That's selfish, cruel and unfair for you to do. Do you two have any children? If so, you're playing with their lives as well.

 

You say you love your husband, yet your actions are showing otherwise.

 

My suggestion is for you to seek some counselling. Go talk to a professional about this as it's really messing you up big time. You need help, you have to end it with the online guy. Therapy will help you deal with that loss and obsession feelings.

 

Your husband isn't stupid and sooner or later he is going to catch on that his wife (you) are not acting like yourself. If he gets suspicious enough, if he hasn't already, he could watch what you're up to...Maybe install a keylogger on your computer to find out what is going on with you. I don't mean to scare you, but if he starts digging, cell phones, computers, regular phones - He has tons of evidence already...Just be aware of this. Again, your husband knows you, so I'm sure he figures something is bothering you. Unless you're an incredible actress and able to hide all your feelings and emotions.

[InaPanic]

I am a horrible actress & today has been one of those days I am almost just dying to tell him. But I have to know that telling him is to try to save our marriage, not to make me feel unburdened. I've done enough to him as it is, I have to think this out clearly & lately clear is not a good description of my thinking.

I know some of you will poo-poo this but my husband & I had a GREAT marriage. Other couples we know would comment on what a good relationship we had. If someone had asked me 2 days before I met the online OM if I would ever have an affair my answer would have been a huge NO!

But because of this, I keep wondering if there is something to the OM, if there is a reason we met & if we are meant to be. I know that sounds hokey as hell but these are things he's been feeding me & I guess I started believing it. It's one reason I am having a hard time deciding to let him go.

I've never felt like this in my life. I've had my heart broken before but this is different & that's why I am so scared I'm going to have a breakdown.

[Sup]

I am a horrible actress & today has been one of those days I am almost just dying to tell him. But I have to know that telling him is to try to save our marriage, not to make me feel unburdened. I've done enough to him as it is, I have to think this out clearly & lately clear is not a good description of my thinking.

I know some of you will poo-poo this but my husband & I had a GREAT marriage. Other couples we know would comment on what a good relationship we had. If someone had asked me 2 days before I met the online OM if I would ever have an affair my answer would have been a huge NO!

But because of this, I keep wondering if there is something to the OM, if there is a reason we met & if we are meant to be. I know that sounds hokey as hell but these are things he's been feeding me & I guess I started believing it. It's one reason I am having a hard time deciding to let him go.

I've never felt like this in my life. I've had my heart broken before but this is different & that's why I am so scared I'm going to have a breakdown.

 

So JUST tell him! Even if hubby leaves you, thats HIS choice, NOT yours, you made your choice, now it's time for your hubby to make his choice. And the excuse that it JUST happened DON'T fly either, so don't even think about using that one!

[Kathleen2260]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]InAPanic,[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman]You are going to be ok. Believe it or not. You will get over this guy. I know right now he probably seems like your life line. You sit around all day waiting for him to call, for any interaction with him. I know I”ve been there. It feels like your day is not complete if you do not talk to him, to feel that connection you once “thought” you shared. I say thought because those feelings you are having are not real. It is just an obsession. You say you and your husband are best friends and that you have a great marriage. You may think you do but obviously something is missing. I think you have security and friendship and maybe your sexual needs are even met by your husband (because you didn’t start the online thing for sex) but I don’t think your husband is meeting your need for admiration (a need you may not even have known you had till this guy started saying the sweet wonderful things he did) or maybe your husband isn’t meeting your need for emotional intimacy because that is what you’ve created with this guy. [/FONT][/sIZE]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]To get over this obsession you need to realize that your “wonderful” man is just a fantasy. I think you are beginning to see that he is not the person that you thought he was. I know with my guy there was a honeymoon period where I loved everything he said and did. He seemed like the sweetest person to me. But it was just two people caught up in the intensity of a new relationship. I think that’s all you situation was too. He may or may not have been lying to you or just saying what you wanted to hear to get you to have sex with him. But for whatever reason, reality has set in and he’s just not interested. He’s not on his toes anymore trying to impress you and admire you. He’s realized that it won’t work out and actually he doesn’t’ want it to work out anymore. I know that it is difficult. When my guy started acting differently I was so upset. I couldn’t believe that this person who told me how crazy he was and how meant to be we were was a just an ordinary boring guy who stopped professing his love for me. It was so hard to get over. But you will get over him. What I did was ended all contact with my guy. I didn’t call him, or email him or go anywhere that I might run into him. This is difficult because when you try to stop contact you will think about him all day and just feel this burning need to call him. Also I made a list of all the things I didn’t like about him. This may be hard because you still have those rose-colored glasses on but try to forget every sweet thing he told you and just look at the person he is now. Strip away his words and look at his actions. Make a list of what you don’t like and why it would never work about between you. NOw make a list of why your husband and children are important to you. And its very important that you have NO contact with this guy. You can tell him goodbye (and he may beg you not to but don’t listen, you don’t’ have a future with him, this is NOT meant to be, I promise you that. He just fulfilled something that was missing in your life, you may not have even realized it was missing. But now you do and you can take action and do something about it. Talk to you husband. Possibly go to counseling by yourself. But don’t have any more contact with your online guy. It will be very difficult, you will miss him and yearn for him but it does get easier. Focus on your family. What I did was kept very busy, I tried to never be home alone, I went out with friends, spent time with family. Start a new hobby. I Know this all sounds incredibly boring but trust me it does help. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3] [/sIZE][/FONT]

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]As for telling your husband or not I have never been in that situation so I’m not going to give you advice on that matter. But there are couples who have survived infidelity and went on to have stronger marriages. So telling him is not the worst thing in the world. You WILL get thru all of this. It just takes time. The first few weeks is the worst. But keep busy and try to have no contact with the online guy. Those are the first steps. [/sIZE][/FONT]

[whichwayisup]

I am a horrible actress & today has been one of those days I am almost just dying to tell him. But I have to know that telling him is to try to save our marriage, not to make me feel unburdened. I've done enough to him as it is, I have to think this out clearly & lately clear is not a good description of my thinking.

I know some of you will poo-poo this but my husband & I had a GREAT marriage. Other couples we know would comment on what a good relationship we had. If someone had asked me 2 days before I met the online OM if I would ever have an affair my answer would have been a huge NO!

But because of this, I keep wondering if there is something to the OM, if there is a reason we met & if we are meant to be. I know that sounds hokey as hell but these are things he's been feeding me & I guess I started believing it. It's one reason I am having a hard time deciding to let him go.

I've never felt like this in my life. I've had my heart broken before but this is different & that's why I am so scared I'm going to have a breakdown.

All the more reason to stay away from the online guy. Those feelings he brought out in you were very addictive and you need those feelings now to get you through the day. It's not the actual GUY as you don't know what he's really about it...You may have gotten to know him about as well as you can online, but in reality??? Not even close. You don't know if he's responsible or not. What he gets like if he's had a bad day. How is he with his friends/family etc...Is he giving and kind? Selfish or cruel? How is he when handling stressful situations -BEING there for someone who is sick. Etc..etc..etc...

 

Please consider going to see a therapist. They can help you cope with your feelings and help you through all this until you're strong enough to let go and BE yourself again.

[InaPanic]

thank you all so much. today, though it hasn't been easy, has been probably my best day in 2 weeks. i haven't heard from OM yet & it's odd for him to go this long but I am doing all i can to not panic & to not call him & to not obsess about it. It is very hard. I have been online trying to look up anxiety disorders as I feel like that's one of my problems. I would love to have a day of happiness like I used to.

[stillafool]

I know he was equally attracted to me without a doubt. After our first visit he was begging me to let him meet me out of town when i visited my friend. It was obvious during the entire time together he was attracted & still 'in love', if that's what it was. Even when we got back in town those first few bad days he was still his old self, talking about us & talking about the sex, etc. It wasn't until days & days of arguing & me obviously losing it that he started backing off.

 

If a few arguments makes him back off he isn't in love.

 

I have no idea why after 18 years of fidelity that I did this. Maybe i'm having a midlife crisis at 38. That would be easier for me to wrap my head around than the fact I feel like I am really in love with this guy.

 

I think you were infatuated with this guy because of the attention he gave you. He made you feel young and in love again. After 18 years of marriage things do cool off and this guy ignited passion in you.

 

I think he is thinking rationally which is something I am not doing at all. These are almost word for word what he has said to me. He's thinking that i need to give it time, make sure it IS him I want so that I don't leave my husband, regret it & possibly leave him to come back to husband or stay with him & be miserable.

 

My, my how rational he became after he got to have sex with you until he got his fill. I have to agree with another poster, after you two got together he obviously wasn't that impressed and started back tracking. How did he go from wanting to move to your town to be with you to now telling you you may regret leaving your husband when he was so sure before?

 

He's worried about finances - he says a divorce is not cheap, he knows he's been through it & that all of our money will be tied up in my divorce & his custody battle if he moves away. He also says that my husband shouldn't have the knowledge of the affair because then he can use adultery against me & possibly take me to the cleaners as far as kids & possesions.

 

Also what he didn't want to tell you is he doesn't want your husband causing problems for him. That's why he said don't tell your H. If he was really in love with you he would want you to tell your H so you guys can be together. Does he think you make enough money to pay your h child support, alimony, etc.? See what I mean, why didn't all of these things come up before you had sex with him.

 

He's also concerned because he thinks that I have money, which i do not, & that I will not be happy with him because we wouldn't be able to afford the things that I'm used to.

 

Well if he thinks you have money then obviously you would be able to afford the things you are used to. This is just another one of his back tracking excuses to end it with you.

 

The biggest thing he's concerned about is being able to move away from his daughter. He used to say he would, & I would say to him are you sure you can do that? His response was always yes. I guess as it started looking more like a reality that could happen he started seriously thinking about it. He is an involved father who has his daughter half the week every week. I know that would be hard for him. I know this above all else is our biggest obstacle.

 

no, again this was not an obstacle for him but now it is? How do you know this guy hasn't met other women on line and done the same thing.

 

I know you want us to take it easy on you but you need to snap out of it. You made a huge mistake, it happens. Block all communication with this guy and tell yourself you got fooled and thank God your marriage is still in tack and try making all of this up to your H as soon as possible. You were attracted to this guy because you were being chased by him. After he had all the sex he wanted the chase is over for him. He is trying to ease you out of this because you are being so emotional it is starting to scare him. I think by the way you are acting with your BF he is afraid if he doesn't handle you with care you might tell your husband and cause problems for him.