in the middle of an affair & having a breakdown

[InaPanic]

I am hoping that someone here can maybe say the right thing to me to help me make a decision or come out of this funk i'm in & see things clearer. i will try to keep this as short as possible but i want you to know all. i cannot afford therapy though i have checked into it. i am on the verge, i believe of a breakdown & need help.

i am a married woman of 18 years with two children. prior to meeting my boyfriend online i had always felt i was happily married. but now i am doubting everything that i felt safe in before.

we met online in a chance meeting of me needing help on a website & he helped me. we hit it off right away & began talking online for hours every single day. it then moved to phone conversations. hours & hours we spent on the phone talking, getting to know each other & i'm afraid falling for each other. he was incredible. but he moved very fast. within 2 weeks he was saying he loved me & had never felt anything like this before. he said he wanted to be with me as a couple (married) & had the patients & would wait as long as i needed. he said he would leave his town (we are approx. 8 hours apart) & move here to be with me. i was always the realistic one who would say to him that the chances of this ever being more than an affair were slim & that i didn't want to lead him on. but i knew i was falling for him. finally after about 7 weeks of talking we met. i hoped in person there would lack some magic we had in talking but it didn't. we hit it off pretty well. i didn't want it to be sexual the first time we met & i tried but in a rushed, last minute before he left his room we did have sex. it was not earth shattering & i was upset & crying. we parted & i still had feelings for him but wasn't ready to say 'love' yet. we met up again just a few days later as i had planned to go out of town to visit a friend & he met me there. this gave us 2 nights & 3 days together. it was wonderful. the intimacy was much better this time & i knew once sex became involved i would be more emotionally attatched. little did i know how much. during this weekend, i told him i loved him. we parted ways & i was sad but not even crying, i felt fine i did not feel madly in love. once i got home that evening i fell apart. i couldn't talk to him until the next morning & at that point he was still asleep & wanted to know if i could call him back. i flipped out because i was hysterical & hadn't slept all night thinking of him. i couldn't believe he could sleep! (keep in mind he'd driven 8 hours to get home & didnt' get there until 2am & i called at 7am). i was out of my mind for the next 5 days off & on. all we did was argue. i wouldn't believe he cared for me as much as i did for him. my doubt really hurt him more than i even now can understand. i suddenly became very aggresive about us being together which in turn seemed to cause him to want us to slow things down. his reasons made sense. financial, divorce & adultery, children. but the more he pulled back the more i wanted him. he was always the one chasing me & now it seems the roles have been reversed. it's now been 17 days since our weekend together. i am a nut case. i am on prozac & seriously think he has become an addiction to me. i feel like my feelings for my husband have shifted. the sex which was always good has no feeling to me anymore. i am a zombie & i'm not good for my children right now. every waking moment i think of the boyfriend. i feel obsessed with him. in my head i know leaving my stable, wonderful (& he really is) husband for the other man would be a foolish thing to do. He's breaking my heart by now being this person who no longer says 'head in the clouds' stuff about us being together. he says he had an eye opening when he came home & realized he wasn't sure if he could leave his daughter (he's divorced & has shared custody of his 4year old), he says he thinks i'd be disapointed in him financially & that i would regret leaving my husband & resent him. he says he still wants us to be together but there are obstacles that may or may not be overcome but he wants us to try. I miss how he used to be with me so bad. our hours of phone calls have been cut back drastically & our online time has too. he says we need to be able to live our lives & not be too wrapped up in each other. we were way too wrapped up in each other before, i know that, we wern't doing our jobs or spending time with our kids. i know he got in trouble at work for skipping out & i know he was doing that to talk to me. i did try, a weak attempt, at breaking it off with him last sunday via instant messaging. he talked me out of it. which is what i wanted him to do. we have plans to see each other in late august. what i want is to be able to hold on until i can see him one more time. see if what i think i'm feeling is actualy real. the way we came together & the way i feel, i hate to dismiss it. but i'm afraid i'm going to have a breakdown before then. my husband knows something is wrong with me, knows i'm depressed & i'm afraid i'm going to flip out & blow it. please help me. please take it easy on me. iknow what i'm doing is wrong but i can't seem to be strong enough to stop it.

[Pink Amulet]

I don't have the patience to read a post without paragraphs, or proper punctuation but from what I could stand to read I suggest you seek professional help on this matter.

 

Unfortunately no matter what happens, no one can come out of this unhurt. You need to work on damage control.

 

Do you want to leave your husband for this man?

[InaPanic]

wow, my apologies for improper punctuation & paragraphs. i imagine there are probably some mispelled words too being that my hands were shaking so bad as i typed i really wasn't worried about those things. sorry.

[Pink Amulet]

Oh well now I feel terrible.

 

I am sorry you are in such pain. Why do you suddenly feel so horrible?

[quankanne]

a couple of things: you CAN afford counselling if you're willing to visit your pastor or minister to talk to about your affair; as for the psychological end of it, if you feel you are in a funk see your doctor. He's able to prescribe the needed anti-depressants if he thinks your case merits it.

 

now for the red flags I see in your post:

 

• prior to meeting my boyfriend online i had always felt i was happily married. but now i am doubting everything that i felt safe in before

 

• hours & hours we spent on the phone talking, getting to know each other & i'm afraid falling for each other. he was incredible.

 

• within 2 weeks he was saying he loved me & had never felt anything like this before.

 

• he said he wanted to be with me as a couple (married) & had the patience & would wait as long as i needed. he said he would leave his town & move here to be with me.

 

• (sex) was not earth shattering & i was upset & crying.

 

• i flipped out because i was hysterical & hadn't slept all night thinking of him. i couldn't believe he could sleep!

 

• all we did was argue. i wouldn't believe he cared for me as much as i did for him … i suddenly became very aggresive about us being together

 

• the more he pulled back the more i wanted him.

 

• i am a zombie & i'm not good for my children right now. every waking moment i think of the boyfriend. i feel obsessed with him.

 

• He's breaking my heart by now being this person who no longer says 'head in the clouds' stuff about us being together.

 

• he says he had an eye-opening when he came home & realized he wasn't sure if he could leave his daughter

 

• I did try, a weak attempt, at breaking it off with him last sunday via instant messaging. he talked me out of it. which is what i wanted him to do.

 

• the way we came together & the way i feel, i hate to dismiss it.

 

plain and simple, he groomed you for a relationship you are not free to enter, and you've hit the ground running toward a fantasy. Now that reality's hit him, you refuse to stop and assess what this is doing to your relationship with your family, because you've chosen to be obsessed with him.

 

i know what i'm doing is wrong but i can't seem to be strong enough to stop it.

 

my sister has this thing she'd tell her kids: There's no such thing as can't. Either you want to, or you don't. Either you will, or you won't. Not "can't."

 

I think this applies to you, in this particular situation. You know what your responsibilities are to your marriage and family, yet you give way to this unhealthy obesession for a fantasy relationship with a man you don't even know. Screwing him is not the same as knowing him, nor does that picture you have in your head of him and y'alls relationship give you knowledge of him.

 

you know what you need to do, even if someone has to spell it out for you: Get the help you need to walk away from this fantasy relationship. Take care of your family first, figure out whether you want to be married to your husband and go from there. Because if you're divided in heart and mind, and don't want to make an effort in rebuilding your marriage, then you need to set your husband free so that he's able to make a life with someone who can devote themselves to a relationship with him, not be stuck with someone with divided loyalties. Because right now, your obsession with your internet lover is much, much less important than the family you live with.

[InaPanic]

why i suddenly feel so horrible is what i cannot seem to get a grip on. Before our second meeting I felt totally in control of the situation. I felt like i could end it at any time & be ok. My whole world has been turned upside down since then. I'm not sure if it's because once we got back & I had all those days of losing my mind on him & scared him, then he backed off. So i was no longer the one being chased but the one chasing. The whole fact that when we seperated i didn't feel this desperate need to cling to him makes me wonder if I'm thinking clearly at all. He was so loving & sweet & sexual in our phone calls & messages. And he was for a few days after we got back. But i think he saw how i was reacting & thought we needed to slow down. He still says I love you all the time but not much of the other stuff. When he found out i had to go on Prozac he called me crying because of what he was doing to me. I honestly think he thinks i'm falling apart, which i am, but I am trying desperately to not let him know. I do think we have something special but I am not sure after only two visits I can be ready to leave my husband for him but inside of me that is what I'm thinking & he knows it. I honestly think he has turned into an addiction to me. I need help getting a grip on my life & going back to how I was before. I had him but my life didn't revolve around him.

[blind_otter]

my sister has this thing she'd tell her kids: There's no such thing as can't. Either you want to, or you don't. Either you will, or you won't. Not "can't."

 

I think this applies to you, in this particular situation. You know what your responsibilities are to your marriage and family, yet you give way to this unhealthy obesession for a fantasy relationship with a man you don't even know. Screwing him is not the same as knowing him, nor does that picture you have in your head of him and y'alls relationship give you knowledge of him.

 

you know what you need to do, even if someone has to spell it out for you: Get the help you need to walk away from this fantasy relationship. Take care of your family first, figure out whether you want to be married to your husband and go from there. Because if you're divided in heart and mind, and don't want to make an effort in rebuilding your marriage, then you need to set your husband free so that he's able to make a life with someone who can devote themselves to a relationship with him, not be stuck with someone with divided loyalties. Because right now, your obsession with your internet lover is much, much less important than the family you live with.

 

excellent advice. Sometimes you just need to take control of yourself and your life.

[Bryanp]

I suggest that you get involved with marriage counseling. You have a history of 18 years with your husband and children. How would you feel if the roles were reversed and your husband had a lover on the side and was putting your health at risk for STD's?

 

You said that you thought you had a happy marriage. Does your husband and family really deserve this? This OM sounds like a player. Clearly he also has no problems cheating on his wife and having sex with another married woman. The chances of relationships being successful are very low when they begin as cheaters. He will not trust you and you cannot trust him.

 

You need to think long and hard what you are doing. Are you sure you are willing to throw out 18 years of a happy marriage for a cheater. You stand a good chance of ending up divorced and alone. I strongly suggest NO Contact and being honest with your husband and start marriage counseling at once. It sounds like you have become sexually and emotionally addicted to this cheater and unable to think clearly what you are doing to your husband, your children and yourself. Please get counseling at once before you self-destruct your life and everyone around you who truly loves you. I wish you luck.

[JamesM]

Yes, paragraphs do make it easier to read, but i think I struggled through it all.

 

You met a guy online. Then you met in person. You fell in love. He didn't. You both enjoyed the sex. He wasn't as impressed with you as you were with him.

 

That I think may be the key point. You were inpressed after your first meeting...he wasn't. Trust me on this one...he was ready to move here to be close to you...until he came here and spent a weekend with you. Not only wasn't it like he expected, he had a cold splash of reality...you ARE a married woman with children. The fantasy he met online became reality. His guilt overcame him. His passion died.

 

I strongly think that you should begin to face the reality that this affair will not be. He realized that a married woman would complicate his life. His daughter made him realize that he could not break up another family. And underneath it all, he may simply be not as attracted physically to you as you are to him.

 

Stand back. Think rationally. Immediately begin focusing on your family before you lose them.

[JamesM]

What brought about his divorce? Or rather what did he say brought it about?

 

He still says he loves you but nothing else...how does he say he loves you? As passionate as before? Does he still say he wants to be with you?

 

I gather he has no wife (divorced) or girlfriend...as you know it. Have you seen pictures of his girl? His house, ex wife? Do you know much about him?

 

Did this start simply because you became bored with your life?

 

As a guy, my pov is that he came to his senses, and now he is hoping you will come to your senses before you do anything irrational and breakup not only your happy family but also his world.

[InaPanic]

"plain and simple, he groomed you for a relationship you are not free to enter, and you've hit the ground running toward a fantasy. Now that reality's hit him, you refuse to stop and assess what this is doing to your relationship with your family, because you've chosen to be obsessed with him."

 

Yes he did. I do honestly think he meant everything he said at the time he said it. I think he was so infatuated at the time he wasn't thinking clearly. But i was hearing it all & believing it all. And that is part of my problem now.

 

"Screwing him is not the same as knowing him, nor does that picture you have in your head of him and y'alls relationship give you knowledge of him."

 

I really didn't look at it as 'screwing', honestly. It was much more serious than that to both of us i believe. We got to know each other for over 7 weeks before meeting & having sex. We spent a lot of time talking & getting to know each other. Probably more than most couples who can see each other often & we held off sex longer than we probably would have had we been closer in distance.

 

I am beginning to think that the person i thought he was isn't who he is at all. That's a hard realization to come to because I desperately want him to be as he was before.

[bluetuesday]

this problem appears to be all in your head and i don't think you need to see a doctor - there is nothing medically wrong with you.

 

you are simply in the grip of an obsession about this man. you have made a series of selfish choices to spend time with him and convince yourself you're in love with someone you can't have and shouldn't want, that is all. because of that you are risking your husband and kids. what you are doing is going to rip your family apart and you DO have the power to stop it. you need to begin, immediately, to get a grip and start making better choices. this obsession doesn't rule you, you allow it to continue.

 

break off all contact with this man and focus your energies on your family. YES, YOU CAN. you lived happily before he came along, you will do so again. you CAN live without him. you MUST. imagine he is dead if it helps. grieve and then go back to doing what you should have been doing all along - making a happy life with the people who trust you and love you.

 

this man, for whatever reason, isn't convinced about having a relationship with you anyway. he's met you and he's now pulling back. reality has hit him. it's time for you to get a dose of the same.

 

i am sorry this has happened but it was of your own making and what happens now is of your own making too. what do you want? to leave your husband, abandon the kids and be with this man you barely know? it is YOUR choice. make it a good one because you will be living with the consequences for a very long time.

[blind_otter]

IME anyone can completely hide their personality for 3-6 months. Depending on how much face time you get. Yes, face time. Not talking on the phone or the internet. It's much easier to hide who you are using those communication tools.

 

7 weeks is not a long time. It's less than 2 months.

 

I'm just saying!

[whichwayisup]

The thing is, no matter how this guy made you feel, it's all based on fantasy. You really don't "know" him well enough. You don't know what he's all about, you don't know his family and friends, his past or who he really is in general.

 

You've got some real good advice from everybody here, and finding a person to talk to is a must! Priest, paster, rabbi, even go to your local college/univerisities...There could be free or cheaper counselling there.

 

I'm going to find a link for you to read. A past poster had a wife who nearly left him and their kids as she met someone online. She was going to give up her WHOLE life to "be" with someone she'd never met in person...Good thing is, she didn't and now their marriage is back on track. She regretted everything...

 

I would hate to see you lose it all, just for some guy who has made your heart feel good...

[quankanne]

I really didn't look at it as 'screwing', honestly. It was much more serious than that to both of us i believe. We got to know each other for over 7 weeks before meeting & having sex. We spent a lot of time talking & getting to know each other. Probably more than most couples who can see each other often & we held off sex longer than we probably would have had we been closer in distance.

 

sorry, but if you're already in a relationship (married) and he's prowling the internet for love, and y'all end up sleeping together, that's screwing in my book. You may have spent seven whole weeks getting to know each other online, but that doesn't constitute a deep relationship. It's screwing, plain and simple.

[whichwayisup]

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t49539/

 

Here's Owl's thread. Maybe by reading it you'll understand abit better.

 

Take this one day at a time. Someone mentioned that it's turning into an obsession, like an addiction...So, handle it just like that!

 

Email him and tell him you're focussing on your marriage and kids and it would be best if he didn't email you anymore. Then...Delete his account, block him on email and IM. Don't call him anymore either.

 

You CAN do this...And yes, I'm sure it will hurt like hell, but you have way too much to lose, and this guy isn't worth it.

[InaPanic]

What brought about his divorce? Or rather what did he say brought it about?

 

He still says he loves you but nothing else...how does he say he loves you? As passionate as before? Does he still say he wants to be with you?

 

I gather he has no wife (divorced) or girlfriend...as you know it. Have you seen pictures of his girl? His house, ex wife? Do you know much about him?

 

Did this start simply because you became bored with your life?

 

As a guy, my pov is that he came to his senses, and now he is hoping you will come to your senses before you do anything irrational and breakup not only your happy family but also his world.

 

He has talked in detail about his divorce & explained it to me. He has a good relationship with his ex-wife & appears to be a good father.

 

He has no girlfriend that I am aware of. I have seen many pictures of his daughter & his apt. I feel like I do know a lot about him.

 

I know he was equally attracted to me without a doubt. After our first visit he was begging me to let him meet me out of town when i visited my friend. It was obvious during the entire time together he was attracted & still 'in love', if that's what it was. Even when we got back in town those first few bad days he was still his old self, talking about us & talking about the sex, etc. It wasn't until days & days of arguing & me obviously losing it that he started backing off.

 

I have no idea why after 18 years of fidelity that I did this. Maybe i'm having a midlife crisis at 38. That would be easier for me to wrap my head around than the fact I feel like I am really in love with this guy.

 

I think he is thinking rationally which is something I am not doing at all. These are almost word for word what he has said to me. He's thinking that i need to give it time, make sure it IS him I want so that I don't leave my husband, regret it & possibly leave him to come back to husband or stay with him & be miserable.

He's worried about finances - he says a divorce is not cheap, he knows he's been through it & that all of our money will be tied up in my divorce & his custody battle if he moves away. He also says that my husband shouldn't have the knowledge of the affair because then he can use adultery against me & possibly take me to the cleaners as far as kids & possesions.

He's also concerned because he thinks that I have money, which i do not, & that I will not be happy with him because we wouldn't be able to afford the things that I'm used to.

The biggest thing he's concerned about is being able to move away from his daughter. He used to say he would, & I would say to him are you sure you can do that? His response was always yes. I guess as it started looking more like a reality that could happen he started seriously thinking about it. He is an involved father who has his daughter half the week every week. I know that would be hard for him. I know this above all else is our biggest obstacle.

[whichwayisup]

I have no idea why after 18 years of fidelity that I did this. Maybe i'm having a midlife crisis at 38. That would be easier for me to wrap my head around than the fact I feel like I am really in love with this guy.

 

That intense crush feeling that happens at the beginning of all relationships. You got addicted to that and because of that you're NOT thinking clearly.

 

I know this above all else is our biggest obstacle

 

You are making "plans" with another man, to change your WHOLE life, or atleast take a chance. If you want to be with this man, then divorce your husband, let him be with a woman who will love him and not bail on him because she's missing something from the marriage.

 

Do you love your husband? Can you tell him that you are unhappy? Or are you so far into the OM online that you can't tear yourself away from him and the feelings?

 

You can't sit and make these plans if you're still married. And if you DO leave, make it be for good...Because once you're out the door and into the arms of the online guy - You can't come back and THEN realize that the grass is NOT greener on the otherside of the fence.

[JamesM]

I want to give a little experience I had with an online relationship. Fortunately it never amounted to much.

 

A girl contacted me because her bf was seeing prostitutes and she dumped him. She wanted to know why I thought he would do that. I am making the story short, but after a few weeks of communication which involved some long phone conversations...yes, we hit it off very well...and her sending me a naked picture, I went to meet her. Problem is I never got a hold of her. I called her number...no answer. I called when I got to her town...no answer. Since I knew where she lived and I ASSUMED that she would be as interested in meeting me as I was her, I stopped by. She wasn't home, but I waited in the car. When she arrived, she wasn't alone. A young boy was with her, and another surprise...she didn't look like the picture! After she went in her apartment, I knocked on the door, and well, no she didn't want to meet me.

 

It was an "online romance" that was a fantasy for her, and when reality struck...she panicked. She had always known I was married, but I had told her my troubles. She had also known that I didn't want an affair. Truthfully, she did not expect to meet me..even though she had suggested meetings, and overnight trip, etc. We did talk for a few weeks after that. We have had some email contact, but fortunately, I did not really fall for her or get involved. Yes, I did create a fantasy of her though. You see, she told me she had never been married, had no children, and looked like the picture. When I saw her, I could see not only what a liar she had been, but also that a fantasy is always ruined by a reality. She had been married, had a child, and was thirty pounds heavier and a few years older. This experience sparked my renewed interest in solving our marital problems..which they were.

 

My point of that story is to say that ...

First, his reality may not have matched his fantasy. Yours seemed to have been closer. He may have realized that he didn't want a longterm relationship.

 

Second, even though he talked big, when reality struck, his fantasy died. The picture in his head did not match the person he met. But as guys can do, we can get caught up in the physical connection. Then he realized your "love" for him was stronger. Now he is concerned you may be the hysterical OW, so he is hanging on.

 

Third, we all become obsessed/addicted to something that gives incredible excitement. He brought something into your life that has been missing. Perhaps attention, a listening ear...something that your husband wasn't doing. No offese to your husband...I feel very sorry for him right now...but this is the time for you to expreess that to him now.

 

 

I really think that you should accept that he doesn't want to continue this relationship, and if he does, you should not do this to your husband of 18 years. You both have invested so much with each other that can be recaptured in a weekend away.

 

I am not sure why you could get on prozac so quickly. Most of us would have had to go to the doctor and give an explanation to get a prescription. Have you had problems with depression or anxiety in the past? Perhaps this is also why this bf is hanging in there with you. He is trying to soften his breakup.

 

Anyhow, it is over. Please accept it. And if he tries to contact you in the future, remember the first sentence...it is over.

[InaPanic]

It hurts to think he is staying with me because he thinks i'm hysterical. Honestly, I have really tried to keep hidden from him how bad I am. He asked me to not go on the Prozac but to try to wait. I told him I would wait but I didn't. I felt like I needed something to calm me down. It's only been a week & doesn't seem to be working yet. But, anyway, I did try to break things off with him. If he wanted out why didn't he let it go then. He wouldn't. He didn't want it to end he said, he told me he still wanted all the same things he wanted before. I honestly don't think he's stringing me along or staying with me just out of guilt. I think he wants us to take things slowly, like I wanted to before, & see if it's all real & try to work on some of the obstacles we have. He is being very honest that it may or may not work, which does hurt to hear from the same man who used to say "i'll wait for you forever".

I wish I could go back to how I was before our trip together. I feel like I was still having a good relationship with my husband & kids & was able to function like a normal adult. Maybe it's because sex was brought into it. I have never been in a sexual relationship with two people at the same time in my life. I sometimes wonder if the guilt of what I have done is making me feel like i MUST be in love with him & I MUST spend my life with him because it's the only way I can make what I have done be "right", & not all for nothing.

And I have to be honest about something else I wonder. I often wonder if he were still chasing after me & saying the things he used to say to me now.......would I want him as bad? Is it perhaps the challange that turned into an obsession with me? Wanting him back the way he was so badly that now I really do think I want to be with him but if he actually said, pack your bags & come to me, that I would decide no it's not time? Does that make any sense?

[InaPanic]

It was an "online romance" that was a fantasy for her, and when reality struck...she panicked. She had always known I was married, but I had told her my troubles. She had also known that I didn't want an affair. Truthfully, she did not expect to meet me..even though she had suggested meetings, and overnight trip, etc. We did talk for a few weeks after that. We have had some email contact, but fortunately, I did not really fall for her or get involved. Yes, I did create a fantasy of her though. You see, she told me she had never been married, had no children, and looked like the picture. When I saw her, I could see not only what a liar she had been, but also that a fantasy is always ruined by a reality. She had been married, had a child, and was thirty pounds heavier and a few years older. This experience sparked my renewed interest in solving our marital problems..which they were.

.

 

 

We had exchanged numerous current photos to each other before meeting. No nudies! There was no lying about looks, age, marital status from either of us. We always said we must be honest with each other.

 

I do know part of the fantasty is gone for him. I don't think it's disappointment in me as much as it is, as he put it, reality hit him. When you are all googly in love you tend to overlook things that you cannot overlook when presented with it. He was doing a bad job of overlooking things which is exactly what I am doing now. Our roles have completely reversed. Now I am thinking unrealistic & he isn't.

[Kathleen2260]

First all of I don't think he was dissapointed in you I just think he is someone who enjoys the thrill of the chase and will say and do anything to get what he wants. Like others have said online romances are fantasies. Not knocking them but it is very easy to get attached to someone you've never met when you do meet it may be fun but sometimes the fantasy doesn't live up to the reality. Two things that you said really stuck out to me-

 

I am beginning to think that the person i thought he was isn't who he is at all. That's a hard realization to come to because I desperately want him to be as he was before

 

I think you are totally 100% right. He isn't the person that you thought he was. He will not turn into your fantasy guy again because he already got what he wanted and the chase is over. Its no fun to him anymore. I bet he does this regulary. You want to find out? Change your profile on the dating site or chat room you met him in and talk to him pretending to be someone else. See if he reacts the same and says the same things that he said to you.

 

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[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]We got to know each other for over 7 weeks before meeting & having sex. We spent a lot of time talking & getting to know each other.[/FONT][/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I'm not trying to be disrespectful but I had to laugh when I read this. After being married 18 years I would think you would not consider 7 weeks a long time to get to know someone. What you did with him was a few notches above a booty call even though I realize you thought it was more because of what he was telling you and the feelings you thought you felt. [/FONT][/COLOR]

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[COLOR=black][FONT=Verdana]I can relate to the feelings you are having- the obsession- because I went thru something similiar. After a break up I met this guy (in person) and he paid all of this attention to me, told me it was "meant to be" that we'd met, said he could see marrying me one day because I was so wonderful, blah blah blah. If I had been in my right mind (not hurt and on the rebound) I would have laughed at this guy. But because I was unhappy I took his words to heart (even though I thought he was a little too intense) and what he said made me feel so good! He said he'd never felt this way about anyone and that I was the best thing that ever happened to him. I loved the attention and affection and at first I wasn't attached to him. I was just normal. He told me everything I wanted to hear. My ex was a cheat and I told this guy and he told me how he'd never cheat on anyone and blah blah blah. He made me feel safe and wanted. Well I wouldnt' sleep with him yet so he started to lose interest. He would say he'd call and he wouldnt' nad I'd sit around all day all jumpy and anxious and waiting for him to call. I couldn't stop thinking about him and though I'd not been overly attached before suddenly in my mind this guy was the greatest thing ever!! I needed that affection and attention from him like it was a drug. I was miserable, depressed, anxious, mind racing all the time. I couldnt' sleep, didn't want to eat. I felt sick. It was almost worse than going thru a break up because I felt like Id lost someone great. Was he? No , he was just an ordinary guy who I liked the attention I was getting from. If I hadn't been needing that so badly at the time I woudlnt' have even given this guy the time of day. So I think you are just missing some excitement or intimacy in your marriage and you thought you found it with this guy and now you found out he's a fake or he changed his mind. It will be difficult to get over but you need to end all contact with him (he's never going to be the way he was before, trust me) and try to either work on your own marriage or get out and find someone else.[/FONT][/COLOR]

[JamesM]

I am sorry..when I said he didn't match fantasy to reality, looks are definitely subjective. But yes, I can see how this would hurt. However, reality involves what Kathleen mentioned as well.

 

Prozac takes a few weeks to work. By the way, it can kill the sex drive...good or bad.

 

I have a hard time believing that you know him real well. But nothing you have said indicates a womanizer. Still Kathleen has a good point...this may break your obsession and depression.

 

Hang in there. We have all obsessed about someone. However, yes, sex does change things. The movies make affairs seem romantic and fulfilling, but very few live in Madison County.

 

Oh, and I am guessing you will have to resolve the guilt you carry regarding having sex in an affair. Your husband will pick up on this at some point. Can you now live with him, have deep conversations, and have sex with HIM knowing that you carry a secret?

[InaPanic]

Kathleen, thank you for your story. It is remarkably like mine. If you could, I would love to know what you did to pick yourself back up & stop obsessing over this guy. I need all the help I can get.

Today has been particularly hard for me. Probably spilling my guts on here & dealing with some of the reactions both positive & negative - but that's expected.

Plus the OM hasn't called but once all day & I'm trying hard to not call him. But I'm thinking of nothing else. Everytime the phone rings my heart races. I have checked my email 10 times already. How do I stop this craziness?

My husband & I had a very close relationship. We were/are very good friends. I am worried at this point that maybe for years that's all we've really been is good friends. It didn't seem that way before but now everything is in question to me. He is someone I never kept secrets from, ever. So this is a huge shadow to have hanging over me & us.

My first decision has to be whether i'm ending the relationship or not. If not, then I cannot let him know. If I am, then should I let him know or can I learn to cope with this secret and is he actually better off never knowing? I cannot imagine that conversation. I think it could possibly put him into the same depression I am in right now.

[Sup]

Why are you doing this to your hubby? Tell your hubby and let HIM make a choice about HIS life, whether to stay with you or not. What if hubby did this to you? Would YOU stay?