Author Fun2BMe Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 This is why you need to make an appointment with a trained counselor. You are in denial about your cheating, and you are distorting reality. How can you change your life, if you can't even acknowledge the hard cold facts of your own actions? Honestly, I am not in denial. I don't think I cheated, so why bring it up and make things worse? I wish no more focus on that would be given. I am struggling with a current issue with his stupid hawaii trip and need help there. I acknowledge what happened and we have a difference of opinion about the actions that took place. It wouild be like brining up a sexual contact I had with someone before even meeting with my bf and choosing to tell him about it now. 10 years ago or 10 days ago, they are equally meaningless and those men NOW do not mean anything to me so why make a relationship more complicated than it already is? Here is an update to the actual problem at hand. He called twice this morning leaving messages, asking to confirm that I will see him tonight and at what time. I can't put off calling him back much longer, I have to give him an answer. I said yes yesterday but today I feel even more upset as hard as it is to believe I could. I was hoping to cool down and not think about where he is going and doing but for him to continue acting like everything is ok when he could see as clear as I could what was written in that email. Why doesn't he bring it up? Well, I am going to call him right now and I have no idea what I will say. I will call him at home so I don't have to talk to him and leave a message there one way or the other, which I think will determine which direction the relationship will be heading in.
Walk Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 I was hoping to cool down and not think about where he is going and doing but for him to continue acting like everything is ok when he could see as clear as I could what was written in that email. Why doesn't he bring it up? The bold is why I don't believe he is going to Hawii. If he was hiding something, he would be paranoid. Especially with the way you are acting right now! If he really was lying and taking another chick to Hawii, he'd be going through every word he said and every email he sent looking for what tipped you off to his devious sneaky plans. He would've seen the reference to Hawii in the email. And he would've made up a plausible explaination and jumped to tell you about it. He's not acting like a man who's cheating or planning to cheat in just a few short days. He's not trying to talk his way out of it. He's not attempting to convince you that you misunderstood. He is acting like a man who has no clue why you're upset with him. He wants to see you and doesnt' understand why you don't want to see him. I think you've jumped to the wrong conclusion.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 My heart has been racing not knowing what to do. I ended up calling his cell phone. He was going to be in a lunch meeting so I thought I'd leave a message there but it said he is on another call and I ended up leaving a message, upset that he wouldn't click over to take my call!!! So now he's the one avoiding me? I don't get it, and I end up telling him that I will be seeing him tonight. I feel in more pain at this point.
arniebuteft Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Slow down and relax. You have totally worked yourself into a panic over this situation. Have you forgotten that this could all be a huge misunderstanding? That you've probably built up this huge fantasy in your head that he's going on some romantic trip to Hawaii, when he's not? Think about that. He's probably NOT going to Hawaii. He's probably NOT cheating on you. Try this, please. Bring it up, in a lighthearted way... ask him if he's gonna pick up any souviners in Hawaii for you. His reaction to that will be instantaneous and revealing. If he's cheating on you, he'll be caught, flustered, stammering... dead giveaway. If he's not, and this is all a huge mistake, he'll be like "huh?". You could be making a massive screwup here by assuming, based on one word in an old e-mail (that he sent you - is he THAT dumb?), that he's cheating on you.
JamesM Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 He's not acting like a man who's cheating or planning to cheat in just a few short days. He's not trying to talk his way out of it. He's not attempting to convince you that you misunderstood. He is acting like a man who has no clue why you're upset with him. He wants to see you and doesnt' understand why you don't want to see him. I think you've jumped to the wrong conclusion. Please reread this. As a guy who has been there...trying to hide something, not cheating...if I saw that you saw my trip to Hawaii plans, then I would give you a plausible story so quick your head would have spun. However, for the sake of arguement, let us assume he really IS going to Hawaii, why do you assume he is going with someone else? DO you realize that for many, many people one of the results of cheating ...or having sex while under the influence of alcohol with someone else while in a committed relationship and knowing that your partner would be horrified, betrayed and hurt...is guilt and paranoia? There may be a connection to the fact that you have a secret that you are hiding from him, so now you assume that he MUST be hiding an adulterous secret from you? You are making yourself sick. Today/tonight ASK him about the reference to the trip to Hawaii. Then you have the choice to either believe him or doubt him. I am willing to guess that you will doubt him, because....you have hidden something from him that you know would cause him great hurt and anger, so you may assume he will do the same thing.
Guest Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Maybe your disfunctional relationship, your mind games, immaturity and your distance from reality are driving him to run off to Hawii with another woman. So, in your twisted logic, would that not make his cheating your fault?
destination_unknown Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Fun2BeMe, Look, I WAS you, down to a TEE (except for the part about not trusting my boyfriend). "I did it cause I was abused, I did it because people hurt me, I wasn't responsible because I was clinically depressed, they took advantage of me. My life is so hard, nothing good ever happens to me. When will the love I deserve happen for me." It was never about me OWNING my actions, I was the VICTIM. Not surprisingly, my life was a total mess that felt like a black snowball and I was miserable. Do you want this pain to continue? If the answer is no, then you need to realise that you are PLACING YOURSELF in the role of the victim. What is causing you pain? - you playing the role of the victim. You have trapped YOURSELF and everything is tangled up. The only way things will become more peaceful and happy for you is if you stand up, look at yourself, look around you, with clarity and realise that you are in control of your own happiness. The issue of you cheating is not a separate issue just because it is in a different thread, this your life and all these issues are inter-related. I don't know if you are religious, but this quote (which I think is attributed to Mother Theresa but I could most certainly be wrong) is something I try to keep in mind. "People are often unreasonable, illogical, and self-centered; forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives; be kind anyway. If you are honest and frank, people may cheat you; be honest and frank anyway. You see, in the final analysis, it is between you and God; it was never between you and them anyway." The point is - you can't go around doing what you know in you HEART is wrong just because someone has done you wrong, and you SHOULD do what you know is right, even if your not gonna get kudos for it. And you know what, when you do that, you will become happier than you ever realised you could be. I know your in pain right now, and I know it feels like you can't escape from it. But you can! Your stronger than this! Its your CHOICE! Take it! Perhaps I have been harsh, and I don't want to cause you more pain. But having gone through it myself, I can only offer what I have learned from my similar experiences. This is about you, not your boyfriend.
Mary3 Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Isn't it the teensiest bit possible he was reacting to the situation with the legal case and was upset about it? Honestly, I can't imagine why he'd think he has anything to feel guilty about. Because he wrote Hawaii in an email? If he even realizes it was in there, when did he write the mail? Maybe those plans changed since and he's no longer even going to Hawaii. By refusing to talk with him, you're choosing to drag out your pain and anxiety. You don't really know for sure that he's even going to Hawaii. Next question, why don't you feel the teeniest bit shaky and guilty for cheating on him? He watched porn, so you cheated. You are making choices which make things worse for yourself. I'm sorry if this comes off as harsh; I don't intend it to. I think it would really help if you took a look at why you allow all this anxiety into your life. Excellent Advice ! Could it be possible Hawaii was HI as in Misprint ? Lets assume its true and correct. Is it possible Hawaii is just a stop and not a true final destination ? Is it possible that you could TALK to him about what all this means ? Maybe it means nothing ! Maybe it means something. But you will never know until you talk to him about this. Just say it like this :" You know John going through the emails I noticed you were going to Hawaii . Is that true " ? He will either blow it off and its not a big deal or he will blow it off because its a mistake or he will be totally off guard and maybe something is going to happen in Hawaii ....but you won't know unless you ask
destination_unknown Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Fun, i've been thinking about you and i hope your ok. Its a tough time your going through.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 Fun, i've been thinking about you and i hope your ok. Its a tough time your going through. Thank you DU. I have been processing the feedback here with the events that transpired over the weekend. As soon as I am up to it I will provide the update.
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