Author Fun2BMe Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Hey... I'm signing off. Too tired to give good thoughts on this, and you do deserve some good advice right now. Just remember.. I (and many others on LS) think you are a wonderful person with a big heart. I hate to see you go through such pain over and over again. And I guess, for lack of anything more concrete to give you, try to get some sleep, and don't forget to eat. Thanks for caring. I haven't had a bite to eat all day and am light headed and am going to go take a nap or something to cool down my temper. Thanks for all of your feedback and letting me get things out.
norajane Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Maybe if I can see where I went wrong I can change, but I don't see my fault in anything. I am the one who trusts men then they cheat, lie and hurt me like hell. I go into a relationship trusting the person I am with, believing that they are faithful and honest only to be deceived. As far as the 'incident' I had with the other guy. That was purely accidental, unplanned and happened while drunk so that really can't count the same way as pre-planning a trip to Hawaii, knowing what will take place there and I have to assume a relationship must be going on with that person before the trip as well. Yes that was not right that the accidental sex happened, but I had no control over that as I was drunk. It was not preplanned and I have no feelings for that person. In fact it was the bf's fault it happened because I went to see that guy to feel consoled for feeling hurt by my bf so yes I blame him for all that too, for the morning after pill I had to take and all the distress he has been placing my life under ever since he returned into it. I don't know why bad things have to happen to good people. You are making HUGE assumptions here without knowing anything about what's really going on, or not going on. That's one place you're going wrong. Not talking to him and stewing in your own imagination. That's another place you're going wrong. Calling your 'incident' an accident and blaming your SO for that...that's another place you're going wrong. Thinking alcohol absolves you of taking responsibility for the consequences of your behavior - and ignoring the reality of how hurt your bf would be if he knew you had cheated - those are two other places you're going wrong. Not seeing your fault in anything, when you know there are always two people who contribute to a relationship, that's another place you're going wrong.
Aloros Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 "Accidental" sex? It was your boyfriend's fault? The alcohol made you do it? Oh jeez, I'm not even going to touch this.
CrushedOrgans Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 free, even if you cheated, if he made the conscious decision to take you back and work things out, he should be doing just that. it shouldn't be his free ticket to screw around on you (or lie, whatever he's doing.)
JamesM Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Lots of questions and good points are being brought up. My suggestion is to take responsibility for your life. You screwed up...you had sex with another guy. Period. Boy, if I tried to use that with my wife, I doubt it would go far. ALcohol is never an excuse for anything and especially not cheating. You are making big assumptions about him. You must not trust him because you assume the worst and haven't even asked him about the email. I gurantee my wife would have IMMEDIATELY called me about that email. She would have assumed THE BEST about me. She would have wanted to know where in Hawaii I was going, why I would be there, and be sure to take pictures and get presents. And yes, she would have wanted to know if she could go or who was going with me. There would have been no silence. This creates a secure and safe relationship for BOTH people. He now wonders what went wrong. He may think the email is the problem, but he may also wonder if you are okay. He may be replaying all conversations that you have had. And he may wonder if someone else has come in your life. You are assuming too much. My suggestions...and I have not read your history yet...decide if he is worth keeping. Can you trust him? I hear there is a porn issue...not usually a deal breaker unless it is real bad, but it has ruined your trust of him. Be assertive...ask him about going to Hawaii. Find out where. To me it would be a huge deal to go, but even if it wasn't, my wife either knows all details ahead of time, or I tell her when I get home. If I didn't tell, she would ask...simply because she is interested in my life. Not because she assumes the worst and is concerned that I have cheated. But yes, this gives her security and me control to avoid cheating. To avoid the issue and create a mountain is not good communication in any relationship. It also does not build trust. What ever the past has held, now is the future. You have control and responsibility.
rina_r Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 "Accidental" sex? It was your boyfriend's fault? The alcohol made you do it? Oh jeez, I'm not even going to touch this. Yeah, it is something.
Brittjean06 Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 My ex would always go out of town and lie about his where abouts. I re call a time when he called me and I guess he forgot to press * 67 and it said las vegas. And I even brought it up to him and he would be like No it doesn't, it can't say that. A very crappy feeling isn't it?
Walk Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I don't see my fault in anything.they cheat, lie and hurt me like hell. [Cheating] was purely accidental, unplanned and happened while drunkcan't count the same I had no control over [cheating] as I was drunk. it was the bf's fault [you cheated]it happened because I went to see that guy to feel consoled for feeling hurt by my bfyes I blame him for all all the distress he has been placing my life under ever since he returned into it.he is not a bad person. He is a responsible and caring professional who.....watches pornI do pick well for the most part, they change on me or I find out more than I knew about them Why do you feel you have no control over your life? Why is it that when you act its because other people made you, yet your bf is acting on his own? You get off scott free with any type of behavior, yet your bf is sentenced and hung over a decrepency in travel plans. Hate to be the one to break it to you... but you are lying to yourself, to us, and to your bf. You are doing all this under your own control, without anyone holding a gun to your head. Alcohol doesn't cause you to cheat. You did that. If it did cause people to cheat, then NO ONE would ever allow their SO to get drunk at a bar. But amazingly, people can drink without screwing around on their partner. Having your bf hurt you doesn't cause people to have sex with other people. If that were the case I would've screwed half the friggin' town by now. Yet I haven't... so being hurt doesn't cause someone to cheat. Unplanned cheating doesn't change the fact that you had sex with someone other than your bf. If both people believe a relationship is monogamous then just because you didn't PLAN to screw someone else, doesnt' absolve you from it. He messed up your life, caused you to go through a lot of pain. Who let him into your life? Did he force you? Hold you down and beat you until you agreed? Maybe he threatened you or soemthing? Forced you into being his gf? At what point did you realize you couldn't end the relationship out of fear for your life? It must be scary to live like that. Knowing that if you left, that he'd track you down and kill you. You are in denial, and your shifting blame. You'll keep repeating your mistakes until you take responsibility for your actions. Accept your part in how you acted. No one made you do anything. Not in dating this man, not in going to another man, not in drinking, and not in having sex with someone other than your partner. YOU did that. I'm saying this as a friend, as someone who desperatly hopes you can acknowledge this. Nothing will change in your life unless you realize you have the ability to make your own choices. That you aren't at the mercy of fate and bad men. I should be studying for an exam right now, and instead I'm writing this.. I care about you. And I'm harsh with what I'm saying, but life the way you are living is only going to get worse. I don't want to see you go through more pain. You can change it, but no one else can do it for you. it's the ultimate in adulthood. Realizing that our actions are our own, and understanding that we have a choice in everything we do.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Walk, I appreciate your help, support and feedback (esp. when you have to be studying) but I feel like you are shifting the whole topic onto something else about my drunken one night incident which is a whole different topic. I cried myself to sleep and woke up crying because my bf is going to Hawaii, not because of an ACCIDENT against my control that happened previously than all of this while I had a little too much to drink. Back to the topic. He called me 4 times last night and left two messages. I can't bear to talk to him until I decide whether to break up or what to do. I don't want to break up but I can't see him when I am this upset at him either. Who let him into your life? Did he force you? Hold you down and beat you until you agreed? If you remember my last thread, I explained how he kept callilng and emailing me. I started a thread not sure if I should respond or call back to get back in touch with him but he was very persistent until I gave in so yes, he did force me indirectly to let him back into my life. And now he is ruining it. You are in denial, and your shifting blame. You'll keep repeating your mistakes until you take responsibility for your actions. I'm in denial that he made reservations to go to Hawaii behind my back? That's my mistake I am repeating? He's the one who is Mr. Niceguy who secretly is seeing someone else >>pre-planned<<. Again, that can't be compared to a one night accident on my part. I don't know how this is all my fault (I think even the punishment for murder is greatly different if it was premeditateed vs. in a moment of passion unexpectedly or accidentally).
Walk Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I know you said this was off topic... but I'm picturing my ex's reaction to me trying to explain to him that I accidental had sex with someone. "I ACCIDENTLY had sex with your best friend because the alcohol held me at gun point and made me perform vile and disgusting things on another mans penis". HA hahahahahahaha That's a good one. I'm cracking up right now. Seriously, I'll drop it now... I just got this visual of my ex's face as I pantomimed innocence over f***ing another guy. Me all wide eyed and innocent. haha I should've tried that one!! I just didn't think anyone would buy it. Guess I was wrong. So, back on topic. Ask him a question then decide if you want to stay with him. Otherwise you can't make a decision. Ask him if his business trip location had changed at any time since he first was told about it. Ask him why it said Hawii instead of NY in the legal documents. There might be a logical explaination for this. He may not have lied. He may have originally been going to Hawii and they changed the location on him. He may have written the location as Hawii prior to knowing of the change. I'm sure he could prove it if you asked him to. Doesn't he have reservations? Shouldn't he have an eticket or credit card reciept? Would it be too much to ask him for your peace of mind? Tell him you are really upset, and need reassurance. TALK to him first. If you won't do that, then end the relationship. Because you can't have a relationship with out communication and trust.
norajane Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I'm in denial that he made reservations to go to Hawaii behind my back? That's my mistake I am repeating? He's the one who is Mr. Niceguy who secretly is seeing someone else >>pre-planned<<. Again, that can't be compared to a one night accident on my part. I don't know how this is all my fault (I think even the punishment for murder is greatly different if it was premeditateed vs. in a moment of passion unexpectedly or accidentally). You do NOT KNOW that he really is going to Hawaii, or that he is going with anyone, or that he has been secretly seeing someone else. Except for that one mention of Hawaii in an old email, you have NO BASIS for believing any of these things.
Asafan Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 "Accidental" sex? It was your boyfriend's fault? The alcohol made you do it? Oh jeez, I'm not even going to touch this. Yeah, it is something. You have to question the mentality of someone who would even think something like this. Accidental sex and then persist with total denial of any responsibility.
Guest Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Maybe if I can see where I went wrong I can change, but I don't see my fault in anything. I am the one who trusts men then they cheat, lie and hurt me like hell. I go into a relationship trusting the person I am with, believing that they are faithful and honest only to be deceived. As far as the 'incident' I had with the other guy. That was purely accidental, unplanned and happened while drunk so that really can't count the same way as pre-planning a trip to Hawaii, knowing what will take place there and I have to assume a relationship must be going on with that person before the trip as well. Yes that was not right that the accidental sex happened, but I had no control over that as I was drunk. It was not preplanned and I have no feelings for that person. In fact it was the bf's fault it happened because I went to see that guy to feel consoled for feeling hurt by my bf so yes I blame him for all that too, for the morning after pill I had to take and all the distress he has been placing my life under ever since he returned into it. I don't know why bad things have to happen to good people. Are you going to blame your boyfriend if you get an STD from your accident? Are you going to blame your boyfriend if you give him an STD? Did you even bother to get tested yourself? You should tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him and that he needs to go to the doctor and get tested for diseases. That poor guy has no idea that you cheated on him and exposed him to who knows what. You are lying to him, endangering his health, and all you can do is cry poor me. He deserves better than that. At least he deserves to know what you're doing behind his back.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 I finally answered the phone when he was calling me. He told me about his lecture, gave me updates about the case blahblahblah. There is obviously something wrong and he senses it but I don't know what to do about it. He asked to see me tonight, I said no. So he said tomorrow and I said ok. This will give me one more day to figure things out about what I should do. I'm not sure if it is a good idea to see him again or call things off. I'm sure he could prove it if you asked him to. Doesn't he have reservations? Shouldn't he have an eticket or credit card reciept? Would it be too much to ask him for your peace of mind? Tell him you are really upset, and need reassurance. TALK to him first. That's where I don't want to go. I don't like getting into petty things that can be faked or lied about or whatever. I think if you have a relationship, it should be based on trust, therefore his word should have to be enough. I already saw the evidence that is contrary to his word in the email and that is enough information I need. I don't need credit card receipts. I don't think it will say $500 to Hawaii, it'll just say $500 and it could include the two flights, one flight whatever. He asked me to call him later on but again, I have no idea what to do. If I end the relationship, I will end up with another one in which he too will cheat and lie until it is a matter of time I find out. Isn't that the case with everyone posting here too? We all get into relationships where we will be lied to and cheated on until eventually we find out about it. So I have to decide do I want to be cheated on with him who I have a history with, or start from scratch and open new wounds. That's where I am getting at after all the thinking. Ever since I stopped watching the his webcam girl, it is kind of out of sight-out of mind now. So maybe over time the same will happen with this whole situation.
Arniebuteft Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Wow this is really turning into a bad situation. I'm still confused at exactly what has brought all of this on. You're not even sure he's going to Hawaii. It could have been planned once, at the time the old e-mail was written, but then cancelled. Maybe he didn't tell you because the trip was tentative, and got postponed. Of course he's acting funny on the phone, you must really be acting weird, you've got yourself convinced he's going to Hawaii to meet his secret girlfriend for a romantic trip. The guy probably doesn't have a clue what's going on, you're acting weird, so he's acting weird back to you. Other than this single mention in an e-mail, has he given any indication of cheating? Are you sure you haven't blow this up into something it's not? FYI, the credit card receipts may in fact list the flight information for each leg of the trip. And, unless he's getting a helluva deal, I doubt he's flying to Hawaii and NY for a price that's anywhere near the cost of just flying to NY. Honestly, you seem really unprepared to be in any kind of a relationship right now. You assume the worst of him (and you've in fact cheated on him, has he actually cheated on you that you've confirmed?), you can't communicate your concern in even a simple, light-hearted "Oh, I see you're also going to Hawaii" tone, and give him a chance to explain the e-mail. If you mistrust him this much, can't stay faithful to him, and can't talk about something basic, you probably need to take time off from the relationship.
Walk Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 So I have to decide do I want to be cheated on with him who I have a history with, or start from scratch and open new wounds. That's where I am getting at after all the thinking. So... when were you going to get that therapy you always say you need? Now would be a really good time. Also, whether you killed someone unplanned, or planned.. you're still punished for the crime. Do you think they hand you the key to the city if you accidently killed someone while under the influence of alcohol? You still go to jail, and you're still guilty of a crime. Drunk driving? Still a crime. Please get some counseling for your problems. You need one on one interaction with someone qualified to help you deal with these issues. That's all I'm saying, because you aren't listening. You're dead set that you didn't cheat, you didn't do anything wrong. I think you hate yourself so much that you can't even acknowledge what you did. I think that is why you are so certain that he's cheating on you now. I think you feel that if you can dump all your hatred and self-loathing onto him, then maybe you can feel better about yourself again. And I think you would do anything to make this all his fault, just so that you won't have to realize how much you sabatoge your life. As always... you're right. I'm wrong. I'll leave your thread in peace now.
norajane Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Are you going to blame your boyfriend if you get an STD from your accident? Are you going to blame your boyfriend if you give him an STD? Did you even bother to get tested yourself? You should tell your boyfriend that you cheated on him and that he needs to go to the doctor and get tested for diseases. That poor guy has no idea that you cheated on him and exposed him to who knows what. You are lying to him, endangering his health, and all you can do is cry poor me. He deserves better than that. At least he deserves to know what you're doing behind his back. Even if you ignore everything else people have said in this thread, please don't ignore this post. Go to the doctor and get tested for STD's. This is not an imaginary risk. It's very real, and you are at risk. Tell your boyfriend so he has the option to get tested as well. He has the right to make an informed decision about his health, even if you won't do so yourself.
Author Fun2BMe Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Even if you ignore everything else people have said in this thread, please don't ignore this post. Go to the doctor and get tested for STD's. This is not an imaginary risk. It's very real, and you are at risk. Tell your boyfriend so he has the option to get tested as well. He has the right to make an informed decision about his health, even if you won't do so yourself. An STD was a bigger concern initially than was the pregnancy. Again, he was going to use saliva in my private part but when I freaked out he backed off. We used a condom and that broke. Then when I had waited a few days I wasn't sure if I could use my morning after pill for it to work so I went to the doctor, also to complain to them because I was using a condom that was a planned parenthood brand and that was the one that broke. If I had saved the condom as evidence I would sue them for a lousy condom. So when I went for all of that they recommended I get tested for STDs before I even filled out the forms. They said if I have anything I will get a letter in the mail to come back so so far I have not heard anything, which is a good sign. I am not that irrisponsible. I just can't go to my regular doctor because I don't want her to know about what happened and be judgemental. But again, I don't count it as cheating no matter what you all say because a) I had no feelings for the guy b) it was an accident c) it was not planned d) I don't think about it e) I dono't want to do it again just like I didn't want to do it that time. Why make things more complicated and worse than things already are? Then he will get upset over nothing while I try to convince him I really have no feelings for the other guy, that it was not meant to happen, and all that additional baggage that is not necessary if you look at it in a mature way. It is for his own good to save his feelings from needlessly hurting. He on the other hand, first has a relationship with a 19 year old on the net and for all I am imagining, he is going away with her. It is not a one time thing with them and it is planned with feelings involved. I just don't understand why he acts like I'm so important and that he loves me when he is leading this secret lifestyle going to destinations he does not tell me about. The easy thing would be not to think about it, forget it and move forward with the relationship. Now I am beginning to think that is the best thing to do. If I bring it up he'll think I don't trust him and am insecure. He won't understand I think he is cheating and like everyone says until I have concrete evidence, I can't accuse him of it, I will have to keep it bottled up. I don't see how any therapist would be hellpful in this situation. They could give their opinions just like I am getting here but how do they know what he is up to any more than I do.
Guest Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 "I don't want her to know about what happened and be judgemental." -How could she possibly judge you, it wasn't your fault right??? His penis accidentally fell into your vagina. Get a reality check! Why keep posting if you are not going to listen to what people say? -You live in a fantasy world. Sure, relationships are built on trust, but also communication. How can you love someone if you are afraid to ask him about his trip? You make up all these stories in your head about what is going on, because you can't be mature and just talk to him. -The thread is called "I can't handle the pain" DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT!!!! stop whining on an internet forum and figure things out. Stop playing games, avoiding his phone calls and acting like a little brat! Given the way you are handling this situation, I wouldn't blame him an ounce if he was cheating on you! (which, btw you have no evidence of, and you deserve anyways, because you spread your legs for some other dude).
norajane Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 An STD was a bigger concern initially than was the pregnancy. Again, he was going to use saliva in my private part but when I freaked out he backed off. We used a condom and that broke. Then when I had waited a few days I wasn't sure if I could use my morning after pill for it to work so I went to the doctor, also to complain to them because I was using a condom that was a planned parenthood brand and that was the one that broke. If I had saved the condom as evidence I would sue them for a lousy condom. If you had saved the condom/package, they would have noticed that it was an old one, maybe past expiration date. You can't sue anybody if the condom breaks, even if it wasn't old. The guy might have put it on wrong, or torn it a bit when he ripped open the package. Again, this is another thing you want to blame on somebody else, but you can't because you don't know what the problem was. So when I went for all of that they recommended I get tested for STDs before I even filled out the forms. They said if I have anything I will get a letter in the mail to come back so so far I have not heard anything, which is a good sign. I am not that irrisponsible. I just can't go to my regular doctor because I don't want her to know about what happened and be judgemental. That's the one bit of good news in this whole thing. I'm glad you're healthy. I doubt your doctor would be judgmental. She is a professional, not your mother. Hiding important information about your sexual history from your doctor is not a good idea. But again, I don't count it as cheating no matter what you all say because a) I had no feelings for the guy b) it was an accident c) it was not planned d) I don't think about it e) I dono't want to do it again just like I didn't want to do it that time. Why make things more complicated and worse than things already are? Then he will get upset over nothing while I try to convince him I really have no feelings for the other guy, that it was not meant to happen, and all that additional baggage that is not necessary if you look at it in a mature way. It is for his own good to save his feelings from needlessly hurting. It is cheating. Put the shoe on the other foot. If your boyfriend told you he had done the exact same thing - he was upset with you and went out with a friend to seek comfort, got drunk, and had sex with her accidentally, would you consider it cheating? Would you really think it didn't 'count'? He needs to know you cheated because he deserves the same right that you have - the opportunity to decide whether he wants to be with you. You know this would make things more complicated, because he would be hurt...just as you would be if he had cheated even if he said it didn't mean anything. You need to be mature and stop lying to him (and to YOURSELF!) about what you've done. It's not fair for you to make up stories in your head about what he's doing and then completely discount the fact that you actually did what you are imaging he is doing. It's, in fact, a lie. A big one. He on the other hand, first has a relationship with a 19 year old on the net and for all I am imagining, he is going away with her. His only relationship with the 19 year old webcam stripper is a financial one. She strips online; he and hundreds of other guys pay to watch her. You have completely fabricated that he is going away with her. It is not a one time thing with them and it is planned with feelings involved. Feelings? Paying to watch someone strip online has nothing to do with feelings. It's masturbation with a view on a computer. Yes, he's been watching her for a while. She does whatever he (and every other guy who watches and pays) suggests that she do on camera. It's a sexual fantasy come to life, for him. From a safe distance. Do you really think he's going to want to f**k a girl like that? Do you really think he's going to develop feelings for a woman who performs sexual acts on camera for hundreds of men? I just don't understand why he acts like I'm so important and that he loves me when he is leading this secret lifestyle going to destinations he does not tell me about. He is not leading a secret lifestyle. You don't know that he is going to Hawaii. You don't know anything about that trip. You're making things up in your head and refuse to ask him about it so you'll never know the truth. The easy thing would be not to think about it, forget it and move forward with the relationship. Now I am beginning to think that is the best thing to do. Denial IS pretty easy for you, as is clear in this thread. However, you're just making it worse on yourself if you don't ask him what the truth is, and if you continue to stay in this relationship. Either ask him, or dump him. But staying and thinking you know what's going on is just going to hurt you more and more over time. You may think you've forgotten about it, but you'll just find something else to imagine that he's doing to hurt you. If I bring it up he'll think I don't trust him and am insecure. He won't understand I think he is cheating and like everyone says until I have concrete evidence, I can't accuse him of it, I will have to keep it bottled up. And he'd be right. You don't trust him, and you are insecure. If you don't ask him about this, he'll have absolutely no idea WHY you are insecure, and he won't even have a chance to put your fears to rest by telling you the truth about his trip. You don't have to keep this bottled up. You can talk to him, or you can leave him. I don't see how any therapist would be hellpful in this situation. They could give their opinions just like I am getting here but how do they know what he is up to any more than I do. Seeing a therapist is not about the therapist telling you whether your boyfriend is cheating on you. It's about getting help for your insecurities, fears, anxieties, denial, and all the other things YOU are doing to hurt YOURSELF. To help you discover why all of your relationships turn out with you believing that you are a victim, with or without any reason to believe so. To help you feel stronger so you are able to make positive choices in your life. To help you accept yourself and take responsibility for your life.
JamesM Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Let's see if I have this right... He watches a webcam of an unknown girl strip online ...this is cheating because one never knows where it can go. He must want sex with her. He hides a trip to Hawaii...this is cheating because his motive must be dishonorable and there is no way he would go alone. You have sexual intercourse with a guy in person ...this is not cheating because alcohol made you do it. Correct?
brightskies Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Let's see if I have this right... He watches a webcam of an unknown girl strip online ...this is cheating because one never knows where it can go. He must want sex with her. He hides a trip to Hawaii...this is cheating because his motive must be dishonorable and there is no way he would go alone. You have sexual intercourse with a guy in person ...this is not cheating because alcohol made you do it. Correct?
littlekitty Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Let's see if I have this right... He watches a webcam of an unknown girl strip online ...this is cheating because one never knows where it can go. He must want sex with her. He hides a trip to Hawaii...this is cheating because his motive must be dishonorable and there is no way he would go alone. You have sexual intercourse with a guy in person ...this is not cheating because alcohol made you do it. Correct? You do appear to be correct James. Fun2BMe - You need to take responsibility for your own actions. Your actions are your responsibility and no-one ever has forced you to do anything. Neither your bf or the person you cheated with held a gun to your head and made you do it. And being drunk is no excuse. Talk to your bf about the trip. And take responsibility for the fact that you CHEATED on him.
Walk Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Denial is the psychological process by which human beings protect themselves from things which threaten them by blocking knowledge of those things from their awareness. It is a defense which distorts reality; it keeps us from feeling the pain and uncomfortable truth about things we do not want to face. If we cannot feel or see the consequences of our actions, then everything is fine and we can continue to live without making any changes. Denial, in psychology, an ego defense mechanism that operates unconsciously to resolve emotional conflict, and to allay anxiety by refusing to perceive the more unpleasant aspects of external reality. In the psychoanalytic theory of Sigmund Freud, denial is described as a primitive defense mechanism. Anna Freud studied the widespread occurrence of denial among small children and explained that the mature ego does not continue to make extensive use of denial, because it conflicts with the capacity to recognize and critically test reality. Most people employ denial at some time in their lives when coping with stressful situations, such as the death of a loved one. Elisabeth KUbler-Ross's influential theory describes denial as the first stage of a dying person's progress in coming to terms with terminal illness. In such instances, denial may be considered adaptive. It is considered maladaptive, however, when it becomes delusional. In recent years, the term is used more generally, to describe the suppression of reality rather than a particular defense mechanism in the Freudian sense. This is why you need to make an appointment with a trained counselor. You are in denial about your cheating, and you are distorting reality. How can you change your life, if you can't even acknowledge the hard cold facts of your own actions?
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