JeNeSaisQuoi Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Ok- short version. Met a man in early June. Great guy. Going through a divorce. She told him in 11/05 that she was a lesbian. Upon me wondering out loud about being his 'rebound', he said that his feelings for her have gone through a complete metamorphosis since then. He, in short, is over her. However, what has also changed with him is his approach to relationships. After losing my sons father to suicide 3 years ago, I can understand that. We both are much more cautious.. scared, even.. to get hurt again. We decided to 'take things slow'. Also with that conversation came about his admitting that his head was still a mess...?... I do not know what this pertains to exactly. I asked him straight out if I am wasting my time. He said absolutely not. We enjoy spending time together, but are not a couple as of yet. I think. I don't know. But for goodness sakes, I can't get over this feeling that his judgment is being clouded by everything. I could be his rebound without him consciously meaning for it to be that way. He is a very honest and good person and I believe that he believes that what he says is the truth, but how can I know for sure? I don't know what to do.... XoXo Amy
dgiirl Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 There's no guarantee's in ANY relationship, so you can never know for sure. The term "rebound" is a funny one. Anytime the first relationship after another doesnt work out, it's labeled a rebound. What makes the first one any different than the second or third? I dont think anyone goes into a relationship intentionally knowing it's a rebound only to get hurt again. But what's the worse thing that can happen if you end up being a "rebound"? You get to know someone and realize it's not working. This makes it no different than any other relationship that didnt work out. Atleast you made an effort to try, and you should be proud of that. I think you have to ask yourself which would you regret more, getting into a relationship and having it disolve in the future, or never getting into a relationship and not knowing if it could have worked out? If you just met him, be smart and stay guarded and protect your heart. No matter what relationship you have, you shouldnt be head over heals in la la land ready to get married too soon anyways. Be realistic about relationships. Most of them disolve within the first 6-12 months anyways, so until that period has past, dont get too attached too quickly.
Gunny376 Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Ok- short version. Met a man in early June. Great guy. Going through a divorce. She told him in 11/05 that she was a lesbian. Upon me wondering out loud about being his 'rebound', he said that his feelings for her have gone through a complete metamorphosis since then. He, in short, is over her. However, what has also changed with him is his approach to relationships. After losing my sons father to suicide 3 years ago, I can understand that. We both are much more cautious.. scared, even.. to get hurt again. We decided to 'take things slow'. Also with that conversation came about his admitting that his head was still a mess...?... I do not know what this pertains to exactly. I asked him straight out if I am wasting my time. He said absolutely not. We enjoy spending time together, but are not a couple as of yet. I think. I don't know. But for goodness sakes, I can't get over this feeling that his judgment is being clouded by everything. I could be his rebound without him consciously meaning for it to be that way. He is a very honest and good person and I believe that he believes that what he says is the truth, but how can I know for sure? I don't know what to do.... XoXo Amy The only thing for sure and certain in this life is death and taxes ~ other than that you're on your own and have to "go for yourself" If your looking for realtionshp with absolute love, devotion, dedication, trust, honesty, ~ get a dog. Just don't let them out without a leash ~ or they to will go "a whoring" around. Simple fact of the matter is, life's a struggle and a risk no matter who you are. Even Bill Gates and Warren Buffet have their worries. And, you can bet their old ladies are giving them grief about something?
Author JeNeSaisQuoi Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 The term "rebound" is a funny one. Anytime the first relationship after another doesnt work out, it's labeled a rebound. What makes the first one any different than the second or third? I think what I mean is that I can be the one who makes him realize that he just isn't ready. I don't have that problem since I have nothing on my end holding me back. It wouldnt be that we arent a good match, because we are.. so that is what I am afraid of. I try and hold back as much as I can, and like I said, I am cautious, too, but I am just not someone who has the ability to turn her feelings off just becuase I am afraid. I am trying to just relax and enjoy our time together and support him when he needs support, but I can feel myself drawing closer to him. But he doesnt know that. I won't tell him right now because that would defeat the whole purpose of 'taking things slowly.' I know I agreed to that, but it was more for his benefit then mine. I don't need to take things slowly. So what I should have said is: I will let you go slow, but I won't. But I will pretend like I am so not to scare you away!! lol... I will pose a new question... I am listening intently to what he is saying. Are there things that he is not saying that I am missing?? I just believe that if you want to be with someone, then you be with them. He doesnt want that right now.. but I am not clear as to why...what is he waiting for? Is he lying and not really over his ex or is there another reason for his wanting to go slow that I am not aware of..? and what will make him want to either be with me or walk away..... does that make sense to anyone??
dgiirl Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 In my opinion, the "i want to take things slow" is usually a person's escape clause in case things dont work out. He probably really likes you, but since he's on unstable ground, he's not entirely sure of his feelings. They could change tomorrow and if they did, he fears he'll hurt you. Since he doesnt want to hurt you, he'll say "I want to take things slow". This way, if his feelings do change tomorrow, and he does hurt you, he has an escape clause saying "Hey, I told you not to get too attached, I wanted to take things slow!", thus he's free from any guilt. The problem is tho, he might really like you and his feelings might never change. However, he's newly divorced, and statisically they might. But just like any other relationships, there's no guarantee what the outcome will be, so you have to ask yourself which will you regret more? Having your heart broken, or not risking it in the first place? Try to appreciate the present and not worry too much about the future just yet. You've just met him 2 months ago? Heck, you might even change YOUR feelings towards him. Give the relationship atleast 6 months to a year before you can really predict the outcome of the relationship.
Author JeNeSaisQuoi Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 Thank you, my dear. That is great advice. You actually helped!!! And right on when question what I will regret more. I will definately regret not trying. We shall see what happens..lol.. Thanks again. xoxo
norajane Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I will pose a new question... I am listening intently to what he is saying. Are there things that he is not saying that I am missing?? I just believe that if you want to be with someone, then you be with them. He doesnt want that right now.. but I am not clear as to why...what is he waiting for? Is he lying and not really over his ex or is there another reason for his wanting to go slow that I am not aware of..? and what will make him want to either be with me or walk away..... does that make sense to anyone?? Erm, I think you're completely overlooking the part where he recently learned that his wife is a lesbian. That will wreak havoc with his ego, feelings of self-worth, and sexual confidence. He made her gay! Now we all know that he absoultely did no such thing - and I'm sure he knows it on a conscious level - but that's likely something he agonizes over deep down inside. At the same time, he's also probably dealing with a feeling of betrayal and a marriage full of lies, starting with "I do"...if she's gay, then she's been lying to him about it throughout their marriage, lying about who she is, lying about how she felt about him. Everything about their lives together, every smile and sigh and sex...it all seems fake to him now. I'm guessing that's why he says he's over her, but is "admitting that his head was still a mess..." It's going to take a while for him to come to terms with that internally, even if he's fine with it on the outside. If you choose to stay with this guy, I think this is something that will make his healing process from his divorce take longer, and increase his fears of dating.
Gunny376 Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 I've very much have been in your situation. The XW and I were separted for a year before we went throug the "Big 'D"" I get the "D" and go on to my next duty station ~ four years out from retiring from "tha" Corps. I meet "D" and she's coming out of a teenage marriage of 10 years. 20/20 I re-bounded all over her and she re-bounded all over me. And, we went through this for six and half years. My advice ~ is go slow! Go crawling through a known mine field slow! Give it time means = give it years! There are varibles that appied to my situation that don't apply to yours. Mostly military related, those are for the most part gone ~ Now! In the end, if its worth having ~ its worth having a year or two down the road!
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