ImmaBeAlright Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Have been a lurker here and this is my first post ever. Now, if you are feeling sensitive today, please do not read any further. I understand that this is a support group, but i swear to gawd, if you have just broken up and start reading these threadS, you'd wanna blow your brains out. Its like a huge pity party. Thing is, you are never gonna get over it as long as you come here to join the party everyday. - 'No Contact for 6 months, should I call??' Seriously people, had you spent the six months concentrating on yourself and getting on with your own life, you wouldn't give a rat's asss whether or not he's gonna call. - '7 months and it still hurts so bad' Yes it does, you know why, because you are a sucker for punishment. You are hurting yourself by not moving on, in a sick way, you are enjoying it. Why wouldn't you??? What else are u gonna bring to the 'Pity Party Table'?? - What is he thinking??? Is he/she missing me??? We don't know what s/he is thinking but by the looks of things, if s/he's not contacting you and wanting to work it out, chances are, you are no longer on his list of priorities. Hurts like a mothereffer, but its true. Let It Go.... YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF. You are worth more than a lump of sadness pining over a person who doesn't seem to want you anymore. Harsh, I know.... but its the truth. Forget 'NC' and ticking off calendar. Consider yourself properly dumped and tell yourself that S/he is dating Johnny Depp/Heidi Klum. Now have a cry, get up, take a shower, wash your hair, call a friend and go dancing. You'll still be dumped in the morning but at least you will not be concentrating on the IRRITATING cultlike No Contact thing and obsessing over someone who looked at you, your relationship and said: Nah.... will pass.... Good Luck to everyone.
Author ImmaBeAlright Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 Now that we have that out of the way.... Here's my story... Met guy online, we clicked, great guy, he still is. Then something happened last week and led to him asking for space/break, whatever. Now, u need to get this about me, I don't do uncertainity, so I call him asking whats the next step. His answer: I dunno. I ask: Is there a possibility of a reconciliation after this break. He answers: I dunno, I would like to think so. Ok, fine. So, because I'm a girl and am prone to stalker tendencies, and also because I have never heard of no contact, I call him, he's pleasant, we chat, its nice and stuff. Chatting for 2 hrs. I ask the clincher, the biggie: Will u be seeing other ppl during this break. He answers: No, a break it to sort head out, not to eff around, why do u ask, u wanna see other ppl??? Of course I don't. So, last week I have been contacting him until the penny dropped, Oprah's light bulb moment. - I initiate contact. Even though he is always nice about it, returning calls and replying to emails, but still, I am initiating contact. - I want him to give me answers that he cannot give at the moment. So, I decide, thats it, he wants space, he got it. What am I doing in the meantime, catching up with my friends, moving to a new flat, changing jobs, taking care of myself and immensing myself in all my fabulousness. What am I thinking and hoping for???? Nothing. Am I sad. Oh yes I am, he is a great guy, but u know what, whatever is meant to happen is gonna happen. When I decided to stop contacting him, I just packed the stuff he gave to me and photos in a box and sealed them. that was very therapeutic for me. I didnt just chuck the things in a box, I carefully wrapped them and boxed them. Same as I know I am gonna do should this break turn into a break up. Take all the memories in my heart look at them and put them away in a special place. As I decided to not contact him as he is having space, I know I will never contact him. To me, if a person doesnt contact you after some time, that is all the answer you need. And I'll be damned if I will be here 6 months later ticking the calendar, I have a life to live.
tanbark813 Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 You'll still be dumped in the morning but at least you will not be concentrating on the IRRITATING cultlike No Contact thing As I decided to not contact him as he is having space, I know I will never contact him. Ahh, beautiful irony.
Apathetic Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I love how some ppl can so easily give that kind of "advice" when they are not in other's situations.All of that is easier said than done,If it were that simple as you suggest then there would be no heartbreak & no problems letting go. For some its difficult to just "let go & move on" & others its simple as can be..Cant speak for EVERYONE on this board
CrushedOrgans Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 i think you should get over and move on, but that's just my advice. oh, and yours. sorry.
AriaIncognito Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I'll preface this by saying I happen to be in agreement with the OP as far as needing to move on once somebody leaves you. Nothing you can do will bring them back. If it's meant to be, it will be, so in the meantime, try not to think about it and try to get out and live your life to the best of your ability. Now, all that being said, is it a harsh reality to face for some? Absolutely. Can everyone move on in such a way as the OP did, not necessarily. We all deal with our emotions/loss in our own ways, which of course makes this site a bit ironic because the only *right* answers for our *own* lives will essentially have to come from within us. I see this site, however, as a place where people can comisserate and realize that they are not the only person in this world that might feel sad/alone/etc at a particular time. Should the person be getting out of the house and having fun instead of being on LS 24/7, absolutely. I've been going out and experiencing life as much as I can since my breakup, however that doesn't always preclude you from having days where you just feel blue. People are entitled to those feelings, whether we agree with them or not, whether they are self inflicted, or not. Yes, fact of the matter is, some of us can create our own little private hells by dwelling on a past relationship. When it goes on for months/years/etc yes, you should think about shifting the focus in your life/seeking help. Sometimes when we put too much thought into a former relationship, it can be paralyzing. It can be downright depressing. Coming to LS can be, for some, a tool to keep reopening the wound, so to speak, because you're constantly reminded of the fact that 1.) you're single yet again 2.) your ex isn't calling and 3.) you feel like you'll never find love again and 4.)..... the list could obviously go on and on. I believe everyone on this board has the right to however they feel, whenever they feel it. Nobody else has the right to tell me, or you, how you *should* feel about something. Feelings don't work that way. Hopefully, we can believe that people are using loveshack as the tool it is intended to be...a place where people of a common ground/mind/heart can get together and discuss things regarding relationships. A place where people can come to heal, at whatever pace works for them. Just my 2 cents, of course. Jennifer
newbby Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Now that we have that out of the way.... Here's my story... Met guy online, we clicked, great guy, he still is. Then something happened last week and led to him asking for space/break, whatever. Now, u need to get this about me, I don't do uncertainity, so I call him asking whats the next step. His answer: I dunno. I ask: Is there a possibility of a reconciliation after this break. He answers: I dunno, I would like to think so. Ok, fine. So, because I'm a girl and am prone to stalker tendencies, and also because I have never heard of no contact, I call him, he's pleasant, we chat, its nice and stuff. Chatting for 2 hrs. I ask the clincher, the biggie: Will u be seeing other ppl during this break. He answers: No, a break it to sort head out, not to eff around, why do u ask, u wanna see other ppl??? Of course I don't. So, last week I have been contacting him until the penny dropped, Oprah's light bulb moment. - I initiate contact. Even though he is always nice about it, returning calls and replying to emails, but still, I am initiating contact. - I want him to give me answers that he cannot give at the moment. So, I decide, thats it, he wants space, he got it. What am I doing in the meantime, catching up with my friends, moving to a new flat, changing jobs, taking care of myself and immensing myself in all my fabulousness. What am I thinking and hoping for???? Nothing. Am I sad. Oh yes I am, he is a great guy, but u know what, whatever is meant to happen is gonna happen. When I decided to stop contacting him, I just packed the stuff he gave to me and photos in a box and sealed them. that was very therapeutic for me. I didnt just chuck the things in a box, I carefully wrapped them and boxed them. Same as I know I am gonna do should this break turn into a break up. Take all the memories in my heart look at them and put them away in a special place. As I decided to not contact him as he is having space, I know I will never contact him. To me, if a person doesnt contact you after some time, that is all the answer you need. And I'll be damned if I will be here 6 months later ticking the calendar, I have a life to live. have you even met this guy in rl? even if you have, you cannot judge everybodys situation on your own experience. this is something everyone should learn. one other question, if you have been a lurker, then how did you not hear of NC?
Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Get Over It Already!!! Move On... Oh, yah why didn't I think of that...?
Ariadne Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Get Over It Already!!! Move On... (It kind of sounds like my mom on the phone, that's why I don't talk to her much about my romantic problems... it gets really annoying) Ariadne
climbergirl Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Have been a lurker here and this is my first post ever. Now, if you are feeling sensitive today, please do not read any further. I understand that this is a support group, but i swear to gawd, if you have just broken up and start reading these threadS, you'd wanna blow your brains out. Its like a huge pity party. Thing is, you are never gonna get over it as long as you come here to join the party everyday. - 'No Contact for 6 months, should I call??' Seriously people, had you spent the six months concentrating on yourself and getting on with your own life, you wouldn't give a rat's asss whether or not he's gonna call. - '7 months and it still hurts so bad' Yes it does, you know why, because you are a sucker for punishment. You are hurting yourself by not moving on, in a sick way, you are enjoying it. Why wouldn't you??? What else are u gonna bring to the 'Pity Party Table'?? - What is he thinking??? Is he/she missing me??? We don't know what s/he is thinking but by the looks of things, if s/he's not contacting you and wanting to work it out, chances are, you are no longer on his list of priorities. Hurts like a mothereffer, but its true. Let It Go.... YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF. You are worth more than a lump of sadness pining over a person who doesn't seem to want you anymore. Harsh, I know.... but its the truth. Forget 'NC' and ticking off calendar. Consider yourself properly dumped and tell yourself that S/he is dating Johnny Depp/Heidi Klum. Now have a cry, get up, take a shower, wash your hair, call a friend and go dancing. You'll still be dumped in the morning but at least you will not be concentrating on the IRRITATING cultlike No Contact thing and obsessing over someone who looked at you, your relationship and said: Nah.... will pass.... Good Luck to everyone. IDK, this is the second great post I've seen today (LadyJane's is still #1) Gotta love both gals...
riobikini Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 ImmaBeAlright, -you've only said what I've thought a million times. -Rio
Brittjean06 Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 haha this pumped me up!!! this was so very true. You can feel bad for yourself for a little bit but having pity on your self too often will never get you over it.No pitty! yay
Author ImmaBeAlright Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 have you even met this guy in rl? even if you have, you cannot judge everybodys situation on your own experience. this is something everyone should learn. one other question, if you have been a lurker, then how did you not hear of NC? To Newbby Yes, I met him numerous times and he moved here to be with me. Yes, it was a 'real' relationship, not a fantasy online thing.
lindya Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 You'll still be dumped in the morning but at least you will not be concentrating on the IRRITATING cultlike No Contact thing and obsessing over someone who looked at you, your relationship and said: Nah.... will pass.... Ha. Well I can't help but agree with part of that. The NC philosophy does often seem to assume that everyone who's having difficulty getting over a relationship is an addict. I think the main thing, ImmaBeAlright, is that relationships vary greatly in the impact they have. There's an immense difference, for instance, between a relationship that's only a few months old and one that's been going on for several years and involves the parties having financial and lifestyle ties as well as emotional ones. Sometimes we're talking about people having to make very major and difficult lifestyle changes here. Secondly: Some people just don't function all that successfully on an emotional level. A relationship break up can often bring that into sharp focus and highlight the need for them to get some professional help. Telling someone like that "get over it already" rarely achieves much. Often it strikes me that people give that kind of advice primarily to promote themselves on the board as being more tough, resilient and "sorted" than they actually are. If you find yourself getting utterly frustrated with someone who doesn't seem to be making progress in resolving a problem, then it's best to leave the helping process to someone who has the patience and knowledge to help them. Otherwise it can end up being less about the person's problem, and more about you venting your frustration with them....or, in some cases, projecting onto them any anger you feel towards yourself for not always coping well emotionally. There are some times, though, when a bit of a reality injection is necessary for someone who's allowing themselves to lose perspective. "Handle with care" is generally good advice, however.
Author ImmaBeAlright Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Ha. Well I can't help but agree with part of that. The NC philosophy does often seem to assume that everyone who's having difficulty getting over a relationship is an addict. I think the main thing, ImmaBeAlright, is that relationships vary greatly in the impact they have. There's an immense difference, for instance, between a relationship that's only a few months old and one that's been going on for several years and involves the parties having financial and lifestyle ties as well as emotional ones. Sometimes we're talking about people having to make very major and difficult lifestyle changes here. Secondly: Some people just don't function all that successfully on an emotional level. A relationship break up can often bring that into sharp focus and highlight the need for them to get some professional help. Telling someone like that "get over it already" rarely achieves much. Often it strikes me that people give that kind of advice primarily to promote themselves on the board as being more tough, resilient and "sorted" than they actually are. If you find yourself getting utterly frustrated with someone who doesn't seem to be making progress in resolving a problem, then it's best to leave the helping process to someone who has the patience and knowledge to help them. Otherwise it can end up being less about the person's problem, and more about you venting your frustration with them....or, in some cases, projecting onto them any anger you feel towards yourself for not always coping well emotionally. There are some times, though, when a bit of a reality injection is necessary for someone who's allowing themselves to lose perspective. "Handle with care" is generally good advice, however. Hi Lindya Yes, i agree with you, relationships are different and coping mechanisms are different. I am in no way taking any kind of break up lightly and neither am I promoting myself as tough and sorted. Hell! I'm not sorted or tough. The 'Break' which I like to look at as a 'Breakup' happened only last week. Hurts like a mothereffer! Any break up is hard. The person was there but now isnt. But I'm still here, just as i was before he came into my life and have DECIDED to drive my life. I might have been harsh in my OP but the point I was trying to make is, wallowing in self pity will keep the dumpee in the worst place. Its over, and now you are alone and you have to take care of you. Dedicating hours of your time to a person who decided to pass on you isn't doing you any favours. And neither is getting angry, stalking, etc.... This is my second big break up, the previous one was called a divorce, yep, all tangled up in finances, custody battles, etc.... so, I have been there. Call me selfish and self absorbed, but even in that breakup, when the legalities were done, I DECIDED to move on. I trully believe that it is a choice. I tend to have issues with handing my power over to others to do as they please. It seems to me like some people really enjoy the torture, keep the ex in mind as a way to still feel connected to the ex. Seriously, doesn't the prefix 'Ex' mean anything anymore.
lindya Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Hi Lindya I might have been harsh in my OP but the point I was trying to make is, wallowing in self pity will keep the dumpee in the worst place. Its over, and now you are alone and you have to take care of you. Dedicating hours of your time to a person who decided to pass on you isn't doing you any favours. And neither is getting angry, stalking, etc.... I think that's right. Thinking of the ex can be an addiction for some people, but for others it's more of a habit that they really don't want to break. Maybe if you're still thinking about the other person, that must mean they're still in your life. Faulty logic, but a type that a lot of us rely on in the initial stages of a break up. As you're saying here.... It seems to me like some people really enjoy the torture, keep the ex in mind as a way to still feel connected to the ex. Seriously, doesn't the prefix 'Ex' mean anything anymore.
loveinlife Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I see this website is great to help us vent how we feel instead just wallowing it up. Its nice that everyone here understands. LS is like a community to me. I mean it brought all of us together after each of us broke up with our ex, looking for answers and here we are. Trying to understand more about relationships. Its like something to do now that I dont have a gf, to write how I feel and get advices. I am happy LS is here. I like to thank everyone.
magichands Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Dedicating hours of your time to a person who decided to pass on you isn't doing you any favours. And neither is getting angry, stalking, etc.... Hey! I take my promises seriously. Just because they have abandoned the relationship, it's no reason for me not to keep my side of the bargain. I have to show that my commitment is beyond question. But, with-my-tongue-out-of-my-cheek now, telling someone to "buck up" - whilst primally obvious to the detached - probably isn't going to get results. A little bit of empathy goes a long way.
riobikini Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I agree with the jest that ImmaBeAlright is making: that moving on is, indeed, a *decision*. But some have trouble making decisions. And there may be *reasons* that making decisions is difficult and complicated, -like not having a good grasp of the understanding of the science and physiology of *why* their emotions seem so intense, controlling, and confusing during a breakup to begin with- or perhaps, they've had previous bad experiences, or developed negative patterns of behavior, which have been longstanding and have remained undealt with and lie vaguely masked in the background only to emerge full-force during more emotionally-rendering times. There's alotta stuff possible there, to cause a person to deal with life issues the way they do. Alotta nasty stuff that gets stuck to us human beings like barnacles to the bottom of a huge ship. That's why alot of folks on here (who have "been there" regarding breakups and have lived through a few more of life's ups and downs) strongly urge taking a good look at yourself to find out what makes you tick. Looking at our own past with serious commitment to getting to the bottom of *why* we keep finding ourselves in the *same* pickle can help us shed the rose-colored glasses and make some *real* life-changing improvements. But some can't do it alone; they need more help than what can be delivered from the caring advice of others, -they may need professional help to make those major changes, or just get through the depression following a breakup. Where actual clinical illness is concerned (either known or unknown), advice from nearly anyone has little longterm effect, if any, at all. I agree that sometimes, it can be frustrating to to read volume upon volume about how someone is still digging in their emotional wound, moving the slightest step forward, then regressing for miles- but keep in mind that stepping away from the boards is always an option and that we are (read the info in the entry introduction) never to take any part of this board very seriously. (Smile) Somehow, my eyebrows automatically raise in a question mark with that thought, but.... All Take Care. My two cents-worth for the hour. -Rio
Winfield Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Have been a lurker here and this is my first post ever. Now, if you are feeling sensitive today, please do not read any further. I understand that this is a support group, but i swear to gawd, if you have just broken up and start reading these threadS, you'd wanna blow your brains out. Its like a huge pity party. Thing is, you are never gonna get over it as long as you come here to join the party everyday. - 'No Contact for 6 months, should I call??' Seriously people, had you spent the six months concentrating on yourself and getting on with your own life, you wouldn't give a rat's asss whether or not he's gonna call. - '7 months and it still hurts so bad' Yes it does, you know why, because you are a sucker for punishment. You are hurting yourself by not moving on, in a sick way, you are enjoying it. Why wouldn't you??? What else are u gonna bring to the 'Pity Party Table'?? - What is he thinking??? Is he/she missing me??? We don't know what s/he is thinking but by the looks of things, if s/he's not contacting you and wanting to work it out, chances are, you are no longer on his list of priorities. Hurts like a mothereffer, but its true. Let It Go.... YOU OWE IT TO YOURSELF. You are worth more than a lump of sadness pining over a person who doesn't seem to want you anymore. Harsh, I know.... but its the truth. Forget 'NC' and ticking off calendar. Consider yourself properly dumped and tell yourself that S/he is dating Johnny Depp/Heidi Klum. Now have a cry, get up, take a shower, wash your hair, call a friend and go dancing. You'll still be dumped in the morning but at least you will not be concentrating on the IRRITATING cultlike No Contact thing and obsessing over someone who looked at you, your relationship and said: Nah.... will pass.... Good Luck to everyone. I've thought this to myself a few times too when reading these boards, and agree with the OP 100%! Good post!
a4a Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 I've thought this to myself a few times too when reading these boards, and agree with the OP 100%! Good post! Nice post OP...... I often wonder why people want to continue a relationship of the mind with another person when they have told them that they are unwanted. SO 1. = "I don't want you". SO 2. = "Sorry, I will not accept that and I will continue to have a relationship with you even if you are not aware of it".
lindya Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Nice post OP...... I often wonder why people want to continue a relationship of the mind with another person when they have told them that they are unwanted. : a4a, In that avatar of yours I see a sensitive girl who's covering up her emotions and fear with a ton of food, nicotine and bravado. A scared flower, who wants to love, but doesn't know how. And I say to her... Believe me you really don't have to worry I only wanna make you happy and if you say "hey go away" I will But I think better still I'd better stay around and love you Do you think I have a case let me ask you to your face Do you think you love me?
burning 4 revenge Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 i've had my best relationships with women who weren't aware of it. some of you on this board have been my girlfriends at different times and you've been much nicer than the girlfriends that were cognizant of a relationship status and subsequently developed "expectations"
a4a Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 a4a, In that avatar of yours I see a sensitive girl who's covering up her emotions and fear with a ton of food, nicotine and bravado. A scared flower, who wants to love, but doesn't know how. And I say to her... Believe me you really don't have to worry I only wanna make you happy and if you say "hey go away" I will But I think better still I'd better stay around and love you Do you think I have a case let me ask you to your face Do you think you love me? I am a flower. Love me, love my bleeding soul. Alas....... I cannot love you for I do not love myself. ok I lied. I am seeing someone else who is friggin awesome for me and you my dear don't mean jack rabbit shyte to me any more.... but thanks for the ego boost is serves me well.... makes me feel hot and randy for my new love. BTW I always faked it with you, but lying was easier because at least then you would keep your mouth shut...... and if you still love me that much well send me a check..... I have my eye on a new pair of riding boots and it would be a nice way for me to remember you as I shuffle through the manure in them inside the paddock. Back to eating yoddles and smoking generic ciggies..................where is my Cheerwine soda?
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