riobikini Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I'm seeing someone -finally! (Smile) Haven't posted about him until now. It's nice after all these months without a companion. He's a professional -a very brainy one- a gentleman, and enjoys alot of the same things I do. Wee problem> learned that he had three affairs during his marriage (he's divorced now, five years). The affair thing bothers me. It bothers me a great deal, -especially when I heard the familiar, old worn out excuse that so many man (and women) have used> -that he didn't receive enough affection (and sex?) at home. I always cringe when I hear that. It almost always turns out that the person having the affair was bound and determined to do it anyway, and was just looking for the merest reason. Of course, now he admits he was a complete idiot and says he regrets that history of behavior. Says he's changed. But I wonder. I'll be keeping all I have learned about his repeated behavior in mind ((looking specifically for anything that will indicate change in his pattern), and gather as much info as I can about what has transpired within the years since his divorce . I really want to wait for more info to unfold; he is such great company for me, otherwise. He seems sincere, happy with his life after his divorce, and does not appear to have any other major problems. Still, I am cautious. After a year or so (Smile) I might be less so, if no other signs or symptoms of problems (new or old) emerge. Meanwhile, I plan to enjoy the pleasantness of the relationship and look forward with a bit more excitement to the evenings and weekends. If anyone wants to add their own personal experience with breaking the pattern of having multiple affairs, though, -feel free to do so. It always helps to hear the experiences of others. Take Care. -Rio
superconductor Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Dammit, Rio, I thought you were saving yourself for me. :-/ Anyway, the affairs are a bit of a hurdle, but since you don't know him that well yet, nor do you know the details of his marriage, I'd be willing to cut the guy some slack, at least for now. Besides, you're a smart woman. You know the questions to ask and the appropriate responses. Congrats, and good luck!
Guest Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 He seems sincere, happy with his life after his divorce, and does not appear to have any other major problems. Isn't his cheating past one huge major problem ? It would be for me !!
alphamale Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Isn't his cheating past one huge major problem ? Agreed GUEST...and I would have to further question his judgement because he actually told RIO about his indiscretions. So....strike #1 against this clown for the affairs and strike #2 against him for being honest about them....
kitkat826 Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Rio - I am seriously dating someone who also cheated in their previous marriage. He has been divorced for two years and was married for four. There weren´t any affairs involved: just drunken nights out, partying it seems. The marriage was never based on love in the first place, and they had an amicable divorce. He told me all of this on our second date, and answered basically all of the questions I had about this situation. It is only now, six months into the relationship, that I am starting to question my decision to overlook this issue. At first I was completely happy to put it behind me and assume that past behavior did not dictate future behavior; in fact, I had always said that I would rather have a boyfriend who had made serious mistakes in relationships before me so that he would have it out of his system and be less likely to repeat it. But now I feel myself becoming jealous every once in a while if we are apart for an extended period of time....im still struggling with it and am hoping its a phase...
Author riobikini Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 re: SuperConductor: " Dammit, Rio, I thought you were saving yourself for me. :-/" (Smile) So did alot of other folks. But don't worry, I just stepped out on the plate with this one....and besides, the stuff I'm made of keeps well. Take Care. -Rio re: AlphaMale: " hows the sex RIO?" I can't give a report on that, Alpha, because I haven't slept with him. I don't know him well enough, and his *full history is yet unknown* to me. When -and if- I give that a green light I may disclose a detail or two. But for now it's not happening. As for your view that he was naive enough to disclose some critical parts of his history with women (his affairs) -I believe that you are correct in assuming that most ment would not have opened that particular conversation. But I'm glad that he did. I'm sticking with my original decision to wait and see what unfolds. re: KitKat826: " I am seriously dating someone who also cheated in their previous marriage. He has been divorced for two years and was married for four. There weren´t any affairs involved: just drunken nights out, partying it seems. The marriage was never based on love in the first place, and they had an amicable divorce. He told me all of this on our second date, and answered basically all of the questions I had about this situation. It is only now, six months into the relationship, that I am starting to question my decision to overlook this issue. At first I was completely happy to put it behind me and assume that past behavior did not dictate future behavior; in fact, I had always said that I would rather have a boyfriend who had made serious mistakes in relationships before me so that he would have it out of his system and be less likely to repeat it. But now I feel myself becoming jealous every once in a while if we are apart for an extended period of time....im still struggling with it and am hoping its a phase..." The part where you comment about questioning your decision to *overlook* your boyfriend's past indescretion(s) is the very point that I am cautiously taking issue with for my own personal protection. I want to see if this behavior is a problem that has been resolved and is no longer a front-burner issue, -either a current or a potentially future one, likely to occur. I know that people *can* change; I realize that, at different phases of development in our lives, we sometimes do some very stupid things, -then we learn better and take steps to correct our mistakes (if we, in fact, do realize them and become seriously engaged in fixing them, that is). But I also realize that many people who have these past behavior problems can (and do), at future weak points in their lives, resort to previous familiar behavior patterns. Whether they do regress or not, I think, depends on so many things. With this man, I want to wait it out and see if he has truly committed to changing his behavior, -and lived it over the last five years. Which brings me to another questionable point: whether any changes he *might* have made can actually be reflected with the short relationships he has had in the last five years. Maybe he's still in the brief affair stage. Without the commitment of marriage, he's certainly not having an affair, -but he could still be stuck in a similar pattern as before, -except without the pressure of a legal, or otherwise committed relationship to awaken him -genuinely shake him up- to the fact that his problem still exists. So I'll use my good judgment -as best as I can- enjoy the friendship, and if that's all there can ever be, then I'm fine with it. And *better off*, I might add. It's a shame -if it turns out he really has the same problem as before- that he has so much going for him, otherwise. It's much like AlphaMale says -that he already has some serious strikes against himself- and proving himself to be someone I would seriously consider as a partner will be tough. I will not let up on the significance of the issue(s) until I *know* to a reasonaable degree that they have been resolved and have little chance of emerging again. And I certainly do not apologize for taking that stand. -Rio
alphamale Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 He told me all of this on our second date, and answered basically all of the questions I had about this situation. . I could tell you anything on the 2nd date KITCAT....unless what I said is independently verifiable it does not mean squat...
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