An old acquantice

[Silveron]

I am posting this under a new name since my other screen name is too revealing.

 

I've posted on here about my situation (marriage) before and all you were very helpful and things are looking better (well at least from last year). The problem I had was a year after marriage my wife was having contact with her ex, lying to me and a bunch of other problems that cropped up.

 

 

Anyway, a few months ago an old HS friend (call her K)came into my work and she gave me her email addy. We would email each other now & then, nothing outta the blue. At this time I was talking to another HS friend (also female, call her S) which my wife knew about. My wife didn't mind but has made some comments in the past that I figured she really didn't like the idea we would talk but it was strictly pluotonic.

 

Both chicks are married and never had any intention of it going further than friendship and still dont.

 

K, has been asking me to give her a call which I was kind relucent to do since I had a feeling when we were in school she had a crush on me. I didn't tell my wife about K, because if I were to tell her I'm talking to two old HS friends though they happen to be female that just might set her off. She's weird like that, but understandable. I don't think I would like my wife talking to old HS friends who were the opposite sex. My decision to not tell her was not anything based on deceit or lies.

 

Anyway I was at a local park and called her (K), I usually take my dog there to train. Surprisingly she asked if she could come to the park to talk, that she was close by. Ugh.. I'm thinking how can I say no? I would seem like a jerk. So I said ok.

 

We talked about an hour from old HS classmates to things in our marriage, etc.. It was actually a nice time. We were sitting on a bench when my wife called, asking where I was. So, I knew it was time.. Saying my g-byes she just grabbed me and hugged me. Though it was more than a hug, she just held me there for at least a minute. I even mentioned to her while she was doing this jokingly that 'Wow, you must not get hugged much' and she said 'No, I don't.'. She mentioned how her husband abandoned her alot I guess.

 

I told her I would walk her to her car, being a gentlemen. As she was about to get in, and kissed me on the cheek and then on the lips, and then did the hug thing for another minute. The kiss threw me way off guard, it wasn't an open mouth kiss, just like a peck but still.. on the lips. After she left though the weirdest feeling came about. I didn't feel bad about it. It's not that I have feelings for her or want anything but maybe it's because I'm trying to justify it by all the awful things my wife put me through last year.

 

I don't know what your advice is, but telling my wife this would make it seem like I'm trying to cover up something. As for seeing (K) again I need to keep my distance. She already emailed saying she can't wait to see me again. My intentions were strictly friendship, however I just know that she has a sultry side to her that would take it to the next step.

Whether what 'I' did was cheating, I don't know. I know my wife would be pissed & I would be at her if she did this. Maybe I am just too friendly, but what's weird is those two long hugs I got from (K) was something I haven't had in about 2 years.

 

Just had to post to clear my head. As for (S) I haven't had contact with her in over a month. She wanted to see me and her husband was ok with it, but I declined (about a month ago).

[laRubiaBonita]

so now you are not too much different than your wife was.

 

 

i think you should tell your wife, otherwise you are full of *****.... but you are a good guy, i know...so why are you acting this way?

 

is this some subconscience way of getting back at your wife?

[quankanne]

hoo boy, there's a lot of mixed thoughts going through my mind right now, but what stands out most is that the girl who ran into you in the park sounds like she's looking for something more than you're willing to give (and rightfully so to refuse her), based on the reactions you wrote about, while the second former classmates doesn't sound as interested in hooking up as she is in catching up. And what helps me distinguish this is that she made it a point to involve her husband in the conversation about you. Something I do myself whenever running across old classmates or boyfriends. So if she does ask to catch up with you in a social setting, don't feel that she's got anything else in mind than to catch up; she sounds safe enough to be around, whether your wife is with you or you agree to have coffee with her someplace. She's got her head screwed on straight, from the sound of it.

 

K? She's a whole nother story. You need to cut off all contact with her, and if it comes down to being in a social setting with her MAKE SURE YOUR WIFE IS WITH YOU. I know you've shared about your problems in your marriage, but you truly seem committed to making it work. So, like your classmate S with her man, you will definitely want to include your wife in any future settings where K is involved. That way your wife sees for herself that your commitment is to her, and K (hopefully) sees this too. And you nip in the bud whatever fantasies K's got about you rescuing her from her life.

 

as for having run across her in the park ... well, you're going to have to decide for yourself how to handle that information when it comes to sharing it with your wife, because you know her better than we do. However, should the situation come up, keep it very low-key so that your wife understands that your encounter in the park was nothing more than running into an old classmate. Because with all the problems you've had in the past with her not being committed fully to your relationship, it would be very easy for her to imagine that YOU are not committed to your marriage. I'm not telling you to lie to her, but only you know the best way to present that information to her so that she understands that SHE is where your heart lays.

 

I don't think the issue is about whether you've cheated or not, but about how you can make yourself clear to K – and your wife – that you're totally committed to your marriage.

 

good luck, man.

[ThumbingMyWay]

slippery slopes my friend

 

you know it too....you know it all too well if you ask me

 

but I also have a feeling.....a hunch...you kinda liked the hug from K...

 

in a way i can relate given what has happened to me. I often wonder and even discuss with my wife, what I would do if out into the very position you have been out in. it would be a HUGE test of temptation.....and i wonder what I would do.

 

would I like it? yes probably

 

would I think about continuing the contact? yes i would think about it and rationalise it.

 

would I think its OK? to a point I would, I would prolly justify it based on what my wife put me thru with her affair.

 

I can say i would not pursue more....but honestly, I dont know what I would do if I was put into a position like you have been.

 

 

do the right thing

[Silveron]

Thanks quankanne, your post helped me alot.

is this some subconscience way of getting back at your wife?

That I am not sure of. I know I am upset with her for what she did to me and all that she put me through and the fact that she doesn't want to goto counseling for herself in which 2 psychologists said she needed. She doesn't show much affection and I feel at times she is in this marriage for herself.

 

Little things mean alot and it seems like everytime I ask a small favor (such as taking my two nieces to an amusement park) it's always a struggle. I don't get that sense of adorement anymore, alot of snide remarks on her part, however I know that's her personality. She makes decisions even though I am against it, and still has put me on a roller coaster ride. One day she's great, the next she's a .. well you know..

If I were to tell my wife about (K) my instinct would be that she could do something to make things even, if you know what I mean. The reason why I don't feel bad about what happened is that when (K) hugged me I felt the feeling she had. When I try to hug my wife, half the times she doesn't even put her arms around me. It just felt really nice to be feel wanted. It's something I want from my wife but my asking falls on silent ears.

 

I have been there for my wife, emotionally, financially, physically in every possible way. Though I feel I don't get a whole lot in return and the times I have expressed it to her, she became defensive and would just lay blanket statements on me.

 

I don't know (K)'s mental stability or what has gone on in her marriage. Though you are right I need to keep my distance since I sense that alot of snakes under her rocks, though when talking to her she is such a sweetheart.

 

I guess this is how affiars start if you're not careful, huh? (S) does have a good head on her shoulders but even she has slipped. In the one email she started it off by 'Hi Baby!'. I'm not like that with them in emails, im friendly but don't use words of endearment like that.

 

I would say though if I was single & either of them were, I would probably want to date (S), not (K).

 

But that's another story. I'm just wondering if what happened is considered 'cheating'. Before my wife all the women I dated would fawn over me, in terms of affection and I was so used to it. Before marrying my wife she would also show that kinda affection. When I bring this up she says that she sees me everyday and that she relates to showing that kinda affection to 'missing' someone. In that how can she miss me when I'm there all the time? It's crap like that..

[Silveron]

slippery slopes my friend

 

you know it too....you know it all too well if you ask me

 

but I also have a feeling.....a hunch...you kinda liked the hug from K...

 

in a way i can relate given what has happened to me. I often wonder and even discuss with my wife, what I would do if out into the very position you have been out in. it would be a HUGE test of temptation.....and i wonder what I would do.

 

would I like it? yes probably

 

would I think about continuing the contact? yes i would think about it and rationalise it.

 

would I think its OK? to a point I would, I would prolly justify it based on what my wife put me thru with her affair.

 

I can say i would not pursue more....but honestly, I dont know what I would do if I was put into a position like you have been.

 

 

do the right thing

 

TY.. glad someone can be truthful and feel the same way I do.

[Mz. Pixie]

TY.. glad someone can be truthful and feel the same way I do.

 

It's only natural that you feel this way my friend- but YES, this is how affairs get started. In fact, it's kinda like mine got started.

 

I know your wife has issues, and I think you're a real man for sticking it out as long as you have considering all you went through last year. But here is the thing, you don't want to be that guy. You're too honorable and too nice and you don't want to damage your character or anything in that manner, trust me.

 

It would feel good, it did feel good. That's only natural.

 

I don't know that at this point you need to tell her about the kiss. But you definitely do not need to have any more contact with either of these women anymore. You have emotional needs obviously that your wife isn't meeting and you are vulnerable.

 

By the way, you can PM me anytime.

[ThumbingMyWay]

 

One day she's great, the next she's a .. well you know..

 

The reason why I don't feel bad about what happened is that when (K) hugged me I felt the feeling she had.

 

It just felt really nice to be feel wanted.

 

It's something I want from my wife but my asking falls on silent ears.

 

Though I feel I don't get a whole lot in return and the times I have expressed it to her, she became defensive and would just lay blanket statements on me.

 

 

 

I guess this is how affiars start if you're not careful, huh?

 

 

brother...I know EXACTLY how you feel.....dammm do I. BUT I can say in the last 6 months....things have been much better for us.....my wife is VERY remorsefull and she is trying really hard to make me feel adored. its going good now and I like it.

 

 

oh...and YES....as pix said...you are vulnerable and this situ you are in is exactly how affairs start......next thing you know...your in it.....and the old cliche "it just happened" becomes reality.....becasue you let it happen.

 

your selfish side is showing its horns in your inner thoughts......it feels good to YOU. But I know you....you are toooooo honoralbe and have integretity, just as i think i do....

 

but I bet if felt good......a part of me wants to feel that just to see what its like

[laRubiaBonita]

I'm just wondering if what happened is considered 'cheating'.

 

i would not call this Cheating by any stretch...... unless you keep hiding it.

 

you intention have, so far, been platonic.....now as the other kissy face chick....keep her at arms length!

[quankanne]

But that's another story. I'm just wondering if what happened is considered 'cheating'. Before my wife all the women I dated would fawn over me, in terms of affection and I was so used to it.

 

remember Jimmy Carter? He'd made a statement once that he'd never cheated on his wife Rosalyn, but he had lusted in his heart over other women ... cheating is about intention, plain and simple.

 

if your intention was to get back at your wife, or even to have a micro-minute relationship with K when you hugged her ... yeah, I'd consider that emotional cheating. But that's just my opinion, which also differentiates between a committed long-term cheating and a "ooh, what if" situation.

 

push aside all those less-than-positive feelings and problems you've had in your marriage and examine your conscience (oh lordy, my Catholic side is revealing itself!): was your intent a friendly hug as you said goodbye, or do you think you were looking for something more during that brief display of hugging?

 

my guess is that you feel conflicted BECAUSE of your past marital problems, and nothing seems black and white anymore. Define the paramaters of what's acceptable and what isn't, and to what degree interaction with others is all right before it crosses the line. As in, "I know K is probably having certain thoughts about a 'relationship' existing between us because of the goodbye hug the greeting on her email, so any interaction with her is a kind of cheating because I know she wants something more …." And that's way different from "Coffee with a female friend is nothing more than coffee with a female friend because those boundaries are already set that we're each happily married."

 

entiendes?

[whichwayisup]

You got great advice, especially from Thumbs.

 

I understand about that hug thing. I'm sure it made you feel really good... And that's okay because in your mind it didn't mean anything. The problem is, it meant something to K. And she's reacting to that kiss and your kind words...Twisting them into something else in her head.

 

I hope you let her know that friendship is nice but it's not appropriate as you're married. You know the drill and what's what when it comes to men and women being friends...

 

Don't beat up on yourself for enjoying this either. You felt something that you're not getting from your wife...So, you're aware of this, TALK to your wife. Let her know that you love her and need her to show you intimacy - And that's not meaning sex. The cuddles, the hugs and cuddling on the couch together. That's just as important as lovemaking.

[Silveron]

Thank you for all of your advice, it's helped me tremendously. WWIU I have tried talking to her about what I need, yet she doesn't respond to it. I sometimes jokingly call her a 'mountain man' because in regards to her showing affection it's hardly ever there. Sex? I don't know what that is anymore. Twice a month it's down to. Keep in mind we are just married two years now.

 

I don't pursue sex anymore, it's usually me going to bed 15 minutes before she does and falling asleep. I tried everything along with saying everything. At first I would take it personally now I just resign myself to the fact that this is how things are going to be. And it sucks. I'm only 32, not 92 you know? I've asked her to seek help, but when I do she doesn't respond and never takes the inititive to get help.

 

To me marriage is more than just obeying your vows. It's about experiencing life together & enjoying the most you can from each other. Not just co-existing with someone just being faithful. Things have been stagnate so long that when this happened two nights ago it awoke alot of my senses that were deadened. I'm not going to pursue anything with either of those chicks, but even yesterday morning my wife was like 'I really don't like that shirt you're wearing to work, at least I know no chicks will be after you'.. I'm thinking, only if you knew..

[whichwayisup]

Thank you for all of your advice, it's helped me tremendously. WWIU I have tried talking to her about what I need, yet she doesn't respond to it. I sometimes jokingly call her a 'mountain man' because in regards to her showing affection it's hardly ever there. Sex? I don't know what that is anymore. Twice a month it's down to. Keep in mind we are just married two years now.

 

I'm sorry to hear that...Part of sex IS the intimacy and closeness during it. Is it possible that she's afraid of that feeling? Losing control.....Letting herself go and actually feel that intensity?

 

I don't pursue sex anymore, it's usually me going to bed 15 minutes before she does and falling asleep. I tried everything along with saying everything. At first I would take it personally now I just resign myself to the fact that this is how things are going to be. And it sucks. I'm only 32, not 92 you know? I've asked her to seek help, but when I do she doesn't respond and never takes the inititive to get help.

 

I can understand your frustration and honestly, this is not how a marriage should be 2 years in. I know you love her but marriage isn't supposed to be that hard. So many of your needs are not being met which is why you gained the attention of afew ladies...Craving emotional connection that your wife isn't giving you at home. We all need it and that is a fact.

 

I wish she would consider marriage counselling because things are not going to get any better. Things can't stay as they are - You're going to become angry and resentful of her and possibly end up in an affair (not because you don't love her, I know you do) but because you might be miserable and so fed up. I know too you know better not to have an affair but when things go bad in the marriage, the communication stops, love stops flowing... So many sadly end up with someone else - maybe not for love, but for affection and the need to feel needed, desired.

 

Maybe if she knew the marriage is really rocky again, she'd go? Just seems again, you do all the giving and bending and she doesn't and won't meet you half way...

 

To me marriage is more than just obeying your vows. It's about experiencing life together & enjoying the most you can from each other. Not just co-existing with someone just being faithful. Things have been stagnate so long that when this happened two nights ago it awoke alot of my senses that were deadened. I'm not going to pursue anything with either of those chicks, but even yesterday morning my wife was like 'I really don't like that shirt you're wearing to work, at least I know no chicks will be after you'.. I'm thinking, only if you knew..

 

You are right, marriage is more than obeying your vows. It's a way of being, so natural like breathing. It just IS.

 

Yeah if she knew, she'd be flipping out for sure.

[Bryanp]

If you wish to live your life in a sexless marriage without intimacy it is your choice. You have only been married two years. I suggest counseling and if she refuses then think about seeing an attorney. You are on this planet for such a short time that it is ridiculous to waste it by being miserable and unhappy unless you are a masochist.

[a4a]

If you wish to live your life in a sexless marriage without intimacy it is your choice. You have only been married two years. I suggest counseling and if she refuses then think about seeing an attorney. You are on this planet for such a short time that it is ridiculous to waste it by being miserable and unhappy unless you are a masochist.

 

I agree with the above and add the following...... if you want someone else divorce before becoming involved.

 

And if you are wanting to be only just friends why not meet up with the old HS crush with your wife by your side?

 

Cheating is anything you could or would not do in front of your spouse.

 

Now quit letting your wife run your life and quit letting a new woman make decisions for you and take some freaking control and responsibility for your own life...... harsh, but tired of people saying "my w, my x, my coworker made me do it"........ no, you allow it. Unless there is a gun to your head you are responsible for your actions.

[Mz. Pixie]

I'm sorry to hear that...Part of sex IS the intimacy and closeness during it. Is it possible that she's afraid of that feeling? Losing control.....Letting herself go and actually feel that intensity?

 

 

 

 

Yeah, this is what it is- based on Silveron's prior posts. I think his wife and I have alot in common in that area.

 

Perhaps if she thought things were shaky with you that she would consider counseling??

[Sup]

Hmmmmmmmmmmm!!!!!!!! I think I know who this is!

[ThumbingMyWay]

didnt want to start a new thread.....and didnt have any place to put this...

 

but it kinda relates to what OP says about feeling unwanted...sorta...

 

 

So... I am taking the kids and one of their friends for the weekend of camping....my wife is staying home. Something I do a couple times a year.

 

So last night I had to mow the lawn, pack all the camp gear, pack the food, clothes, make dinner, give kids a bath, etc....

 

Now my wife stated earlier in the week that she was going to go watch her friends game but then come home after becasue she "wont see us all weekend".

 

Well, 8 pm came and I get a call.....she says everyone is hanging out, so I am going to stay too, be home around 9 oclock so we can spend some time together before bed. 10 pm comes around...then 10:30 and she strolls in like nothing happened.

 

So I gave a little cold shoulder and she asked why this morning. I told her, ya know you said you would come home early to be with us before we leave. I said, it would have been nice if you were here to help me plus the fact that you are getting 2 free nights. She didnt see my point and her response was, I see you guys every day.

 

Now the thing I tried to point out was my dissappointment....i wish she would see my side.... I told her...i wouldnt even consider going out with friends the night before I was about to get a free weekend. My thought pattern would be, hey I got Fri and Sat, i will stay home Thurs to be with my W and kids. And I told her, that if i did it, she would feel the same way I did...dissappointed.

 

I dunno, its actions like these that reinforce her selfish side.....and she agreed she would be upset if i went out the night before a free weekend.....but the problem is i have to explain it to her afterwards, in way that if it were turned around, she would be upset too.

 

Her standard response was...I will try harder. I want her to think BEFORE her actions.....aaarrgggg

 

anyway....maybe I am over reacting???

[whichwayisup]

If her A didn't happen, would her going out like that still be as much of an issue? Did your mind "wonder" where she was or who she was with when she didn't come home until after 10pm? I'm just asking to see if your mind went where it shouldn't have.......

 

To be honest, I don't know that many people who would go out the night before they're about to get a free weekend to themselves...Even more so when you know you ain't gonna see your own kids for afew days...

 

You have a right to be pissed off and she does need to think first. She has to way the consquences and see that her choice affects 3 people in that house, not just her.

 

Her standard response was...I will try harder. I want her to think BEFORE her actions.....aaarrgggg

 

Did you tell her that? If not, then say it. She may need to hear it.

 

I'll say this and no offense to you my dear seeing as you're male, but not too many wives who are moms (that I know of) would go out the night before and leave her hubby incharge to pack up the kids. *No offense to other men/dad's out there...

[ThumbingMyWay]

If her A didn't happen, would her going out like that still be as much of an issue?

 

thats a tuff question to answer because the 6 months prior to d-day 1, i was having issue wiht her always going out...but she was having her affair at the time so thats why she was out....and we were not communicating at that time...I would just keep my anger inside.

 

 

Did your mind "wonder" where she was or who she was with when she didn't come home until after 10pm? I'm just asking to see if your mind went where it shouldn't have.......

.

 

No it did not wander back to doubting her....My battles with doubt are very sledom now....which is nice for a change....trust is coming back

 

You have a right to be pissed off and she does need to think first. She has to way the consquences and see that her choice affects 3 people in that house, not just her.

 

Did you tell her that? If not, then say it. She may need to hear it.

 

I did say it....but after the fact....it always comes down to me explaining after the fact....which of course when she sees it my way...she understands and does feel bad.

 

 

I'll say this and no offense to you my dear seeing as you're male, but not too many wives who are moms (that I know of) would go out the night before and leave her hubby incharge to pack up the kids. *No offense to other men/dad's out there...

 

selfish married people dont think like you and I

[whichwayisup]

thats a tuff question to answer because the 6 months prior to d-day 1, i was having issue wiht her always going out...but she was having her affair at the time so thats why she was out....and we were not communicating at that time...I would just keep my anger inside.

 

No it did not wander back to doubting her....My battles with doubt are very sledom now....which is nice for a change....trust is coming back

And now without the doubt - You can tell her you're mad that she stayed out. Don't ever hold back the anger...

 

I did say it....but after the fact....it always comes down to me explaining after the fact....which of course when she sees it my way...she understands and does feel bad.

 

Yeah I'm sure it would be nice if she recongized this BEFOREHAND and on her own so you don't have to keep pointing it out to her. She is who she is, but honestly, when it comes to your own family, that just doesn't cut it. Especially when it comes to the kids.

 

selfish married people dont think like you and I

 

True.

 

Somehow she still has to find that middle ground.

[ThumbingMyWay]

And now without the doubt - You can tell her you're mad that she stayed out. Don't ever hold back the anger...

 

we communicate more now. In fact we have a thing, were if something is bothering us or we just want to say something. We have a deal that we can say what we need to say (mostly how we feel), with out the other person butting in or having a rebuttle. its kinda like we get a chance to let them know and soak it in with out an arguement or the typical "yeah but's" responses. Kinda nice...we learned this from her C.

 

She is who she is

 

thats exactly what i said to her this morning.

 

Somehow she still has to find that middle ground.

 

hahahaha.....yeah. she knows it too.....but in defense, she has come along way. But she has a selfish side and prolly always will....she is who she is....and to make this work, i have to accept all or her....with the understanding the we both need to meet in the middle. And we do mostly....she just slips more that I do

[Mz. Pixie]

selfish married people dont think like you and I

 

Oh gosh, this is so true. This is one reason why I'm not married to my first husband. And why I had an affair.

 

He would plan for a whole week to go and do his activity- hunting or fishing. There would be 150 telephone calls between him and his buddies. Then there was packing and getting stuff purchased and packed for the trip. The night before he would pack up all night and not see me and the kids. Then, he'd leave the next day before I got off work and be gone all weekend. He'd roll in Sunday night around 7-8 and then spend the rest of the night unpacking.

 

And he did this 40 weekends out of the year. Which is why I got tired of it.

 

While he was planning and packing and unpacking and being gone I was left to be responsible for the kids and everything and yearning for adult conversation and attention. Once he'd get home he would only be interested in sex.

 

They just don't understand somehow that the marriage should take priority over "stuff" the big majority of time.

[Silveron]

I don't think she realizes how serious it is. She's even mentioned numerous times that she has problems but she never does anything about it. She thinks that i'll always be around no matter what. Truth is, I won't.

 

Even during the times we do have sex, she just lays there. I have to start everything. Now I really know how easily affairs can start. When the person you want most neglects you in so many ways you will start to look elsewhere eventually. It's a natural instinct to do so. Why would you want to feel rejected alot of the times? I'm not endorising cheating, just that I know now what causes it to happen. All goes back to communication.

 

If I were to tell her about the kiss, the last thing she would think is that it's because of all the stuff that has gone on previously in our marriage. She'll shift the blame to me as she always has. That's due to immaturity and I need to decide on how long do I wait for her to mature.

[whichwayisup]

This doesn't look good and I really hope for both of your sakes that it's just another rough patch. The problem is, there's ALWAYS a rough patch going on...

 

I don't see your happiness anymore. I remember when you got married, wrote poems and just seemed so settled and ready to start your life with her.

 

If she isn't willing to meet you halfway AND take responsibility, open up and try her best to make a go of this, things will continue to get worse and both of you will grow apart. I really hope that doesn't happen.

 

All I know is, you can't just live on love. Especially when most of your needs are not being met.