BF taking care of his ex

[silentcharon]

No f-ing-way- 6 years? Of course, he'll care about her! Sorry, he's known her for probably more than 6 years, assuming they were friends for some time before they started dating. If he is truly just helping out, you have nothing to worry about. Besides, if he wanted to be with her, you wouldn't be with him right now.

 

I think you feel threatened about how much more energy he's putting into her than you are getting from him. I too, would feel upset about it too if I were you. But then, I would appreciate it if my ex boyfriend helped me out like that, especially if I only had a few months left, to show that he is still my friend, that the six years I spent with him weren't for nothing. That I still had the friendship left, after the break up.

 

I don't know what else to say, because I've never been in that sort of situation. I recently got diagnosed with a disease, but I certainly have more than a few months to live- certainly hopefully many more years left. My ex boyfriend were very supportive ever since he found out- I appreciated it that he was supportive, even though we were only friends now. My point is that, you most likely have nothing to worry about.

[littlekitty]

I have to agree with the posters who mention that regardless of the situation with the ex, you don't appear to have the basis of a good relationship in the first place.

 

Originally Posted by teabiscuit

I have to accept whatever decision he makes. Its either his way or the highway, basically

 

This doesn't bode well either way!!

 

One thing to realise, as someone else said, is that this won't all just disappear after her death. In fact, it may well get worse. And I've been in a similar situation, and quite frankly, it was hell.

 

A long time ago the bf I was seeing at the time had a not long gone ex whom he had dated on and off for maybe 4-5 years. She died and he became absorbed in her death. He didn't push me away, he still claimed he loved me, wanted to be with me. But I admit I couldn't deal with the situation. He stayed with her parents, was a main part of all the arrangements, was devestated by the whole thing... yet all the while told me he loved me. He got a heart tattoo with her name done on his leg, which was strange and painful for me. The final straw was when a framed picture of her arrived on his TV over looking the bed. How the hell was I supposed to make love to him with her looking over me? I understood his love for her, and I understood his pain at her death. He did what he felt he needed to do. But after hanging in there for so long, I couldn't take it anymore and had to walk away. Some would say I should have been a bigger person. But I couldn't. His grief for her, was too painful for me. A short while later he came back, begging for me back. And while I had loved him, it was too late and I had moved past that. I had been pushed too far, too much, and I couldn't go back.

 

Be careful. There's a lot to deal with here, and the foundations are rocky already.

[teabiscuit]

I want to trust him and I think I do to a certain extent. I feel a little insecure about all this. b4 I decided to become his GF, he told me his conditions for being with him. He has been and will be supporting her for the rest of his life. And whether I was going to accept that. I told him that I will accept that.

 

He is with me and I should feel happy but I am not. I have this nagging feeling that she is the most important person to him in his whole life. He told me that if she died, he would go into seclusion ??!! I dont understand that. She isnt dead yet, and he's crying over her. I can appreciate that he is a great guy who has emotions. I am torn on leaving now b4 it gets complicated or hanging there ... One of my friends told me that he probably loved her the most in his life but couldnt be with her because the relationship affected him too deeply.

[Walk]

No matter the motive behind his taking care of his ex gf, I still don't see a long term viable relationship with this guy. He's set the conditions up that you have NO say in the relationship. At ALL! Throw out the problem with the ex gf, and you still have a massive problem on your hands.

 

It would be one thing if he hadn't told you "his way or the highway" in all things. It'd be different if he had shown that he was willing to work for your relationship just as hard as you, and that this is just a temporary problem. But the problems in your relationship go so much DEEPER than a sick ex.

 

You don't have a relationship right now. You have a man who keeps you around as long as you NEVER give him an ounce of trouble. Don't argue, don't voice concerns, don't even suggest you are having problems. I could see if he only stated that after promising his ex to see her through this. In that case, he may have felt overwhelmed by responsibility. But he said this from the START. Day one.

 

Any man who says "My way or the highway". Quickly point him to the road and tell him to start walking.

[AwkwardMan]

Before addressing your follow up posts:

 

He loves her, one way or another, and his actions suggest he's a tremendous caring individual. Even if he's cheating on you and ****ing her raw on the side (Is she healthy enough for this?), if she's going to die in two months it doesn't really matter.

 

Unfortunately, your relationship is really ****ed up. Conditions for being with him? Keeping your legs shaved would seem reasonable; just being his toy is not. It's unhealthy to be in this sort of relationship, it sounds like he had an actual relationship with his ex and you're just an accessory.

[Walk]

it sounds like he had an actual relationship with his ex and you're just an accessory.

 

I was thinking about this today. As long as she understood the relationship was based solely on what's convienent for him. That she will never be able to rely on him, or lean on him for support, and that he's basically just passing the time with her until something better comes along, then fine. But if she really wants more from a relationship, and she's just settling, then she needs to get out. She has the perfect opportunity right now. Just let him take care of his ex, and move on with her own life. Find someone who would be willing to work just as hard as she is in a relationship. Someone who will be there if she has problems or concerns, and who will fight with her to resolve issues together.

 

But this guy isn't it.

[blind_otter]

It would be one thing if he hadn't told you "his way or the highway" in all things. It'd be different if he had shown that he was willing to work for your relationship just as hard as you, and that this is just a temporary problem. But the problems in your relationship go so much DEEPER than a sick ex.

 

Any man who says "My way or the highway". Quickly point him to the road and tell him to start walking.

 

Everyone deals with grief differently.

 

No one should judge this man until they deal with the loss of a loved on, the longterm illness, not the sudden loss, where you feel obligated to support that person no matter what because that is what they need and for God's sake they are DYING, DEATH. THE END.

 

Jesus Christ, help me find the strength to stop being so angry.

 

Death is horrible. It's just awful. I always knew it was, but seeing someone slowly die, watching the life ebb away, whether they are family or longterm friends or ex's, is more painful than I ever thought, now that I am going through it with my Dad. It is the most painful thing I have gone through in my life, more painful that any violence perpetrated against me, and I have endured a lot.

 

At least effing wait until the woman is in her grave before you break up with him.

[teabiscuit]

He is slowly changing. Within a week, he is starting to get agitated with me. I dont know its cos of the stress he's getting from taking care of his ex. He said I should take care of him now since he is taking care of her.

Am I just being around for his benefit ?

 

My BF told me he has every confidence in her that she will pull thru. She pulled thru once and she will do it again but this time, he will carry part of the burden. I dont know whether he will go back to her if she gets well again. All this seems unfair and I feel selfish. I asked him why did he leave her when he knew she was sick. He said ... part of it was unbearable to see her in pain. He couldnt handle it. He had to get away from her. He never said that he stopped loving her. He just said he cant be with her.

 

She didnt bother him for the past year. She went thru chemo and treatments alone and she was never bitter about it. Why cant she take care of herself now as she always did ? He told me, the doc initially gave her 9 months but she has exceeded that. I am just someone to confide in ? Is that important to a guy ?

[Walk]

Just for the record. I think it's wrong on many levels to dump a man while he's selflessly sacrificing to save another human being. Or at the very least, he's attempting to make her as comfortable and happy as she can be for the few days that remain for her.

 

My only point of concern is if he was the same "my way or the highway", don't bother me with your problems type person prior to finding out the ex was seriously ill.

 

I guess for me it comes down to.. Is my life worth sacrificing for two people I barely know, and who said they didn't want to be burdened with my problems even before the strain and turmoil? Would you give your life for someone who had said they only wanted the convienence of a gf, but not the work when everything was still smooth sailing in his life? Because to me, that's the issue. She will have to sacrifice the next two years of her life (at the least) to help him deal with this. She will have to set aside her emotions, pain, hurt, anger, and personal problems in order to help him deal with his emotions. She will come dead last in all things. Not for a few days, but for months if not years. Is it worthwhile? Its her life. She doesn't have to feel guilty if she realizes she doesn't want to do it.

 

Maybe I'm just selfish in my view of things.. but she didn't create the situation. Maybe she's making him out to be worse then he is.. but he sounded like (when she first started dating him) that he was looking for a good time gf who was only happy and fun and never had problems. If he only wanted the "happy time" gf, then he has no right to expect her to stay during the "bad times".

[nicki]

How sad for the woman who is dying. I say whatever compassion and love she needs, she should get.

 

I say that if he wants to help her, fine. But you help her, too. Be his partner. Go help him take care of her. Be part of the whole deal.

 

BUT, tell him no overnights. She can call for emergencies, and you will BOTH be available to rush over.

 

You are going to have to use your voice to tell him what you want. Please grow some balls. He has no right to dictate the terms of your relationship.

 

I see that you have two situations: 1. His dying ex, and 2. Your relationship.

 

#2 can wait until #1 is resolved. People in relationships help each other through tough times. But, he needs to let you do that. So you can be partners. If he won't let you in, then you have an important answer to whether or not he is relationship material. That is YOUR call.

[brightskies]

He probably does have feelings for her but if she'll be dead in two months then what does it matter?

 

It matters. He could idealize his ex for a very long time even after she dies. Like a widower. His guilt plus his feelings for the ex, platonic or not, leave no room in his heart and mind for you. You'll probably be sidelined even after the ex is gone. If he's reacting this way now then he'll probably be grieving for her for a very long time.

 

Some people might say that you're being horrible and selfish if you break-up with him, but I don't necessarily agree. I think the answer to "should you stay or go" depends on how badly the entire situation is affecting you. It seems that you have tried to be supportive and understanding. But you also need to take care of yourself. Even before things got to this point, you were probably too compliant to begin with. You need to learn for yourself at what point is enough.

 

In addition, there are the basic problems: it sounds like your bf, for whatever reason, is holding you at a distance. He has a rather cold, controlling attitude towards you. He won't even give you the room to speak your mind. And even before she got this sick, it seems that he was closer to her than to you. It's sad for everyone involved, but just looking at how things are going: it seems that his ex will continue to cast a shadow on your relationship even after her death.

[brightskies]

I guess for me it comes down to.. Is my life worth sacrificing for two people I barely know, and who said they didn't want to be burdened with my problems even before the strain and turmoil? Would you give your life for someone who had said they only wanted the convienence of a gf, but not the work when everything was still smooth sailing in his life? Because to me, that's the issue.

 

She will have to sacrifice the next two years of her life (at the least) to help him deal with this. She will have to set aside her emotions, pain, hurt, anger, and personal problems in order to help him deal with his emotions. She will come dead last in all things. Not for a few days, but for months if not years. Is it worthwhile? Its her life. She doesn't have to feel guilty if she realizes she doesn't want to do it.

 

Teabiscuit --- read the above again. Walk makes a lot of sense in the above passages. His ex may be dying, and while it's his choice to be devoted to her, you're also free to decide if you want continued involvement in this one-way relationship. Personally, I don't think that he's been fair to you throughout your 6 months as his gf. And you shouldn't be made to feel quilty if you decide that you either need time alone to figure things out, or if you decide that it's time to let go.

[teabiscuit]

Well, he isnt going to stay overnights at her place as she asked him not to. My BF told me his ex told him that with the respect she has for me, she doesnt want to do anything or ask anything from him that would jeopardise my relationship with him. I ask him whether I could help take care of her, but he asked me to stay out of it. Its his ex, and therefore, his responsibility, not mine. It feels I am leaning to negative thoughts about all this.

 

If I leave him now, which i am not sure that is what i want to do, am afraid will devastate him more. If i stay and hang on, i dont know how long i can take this.

[brightskies]

So he's really shutting you out, huh?

 

It's an incredibly tough decision that you have to make. But perhaps you don't have to make it right now. Why don't you take some time for yourself? I don't mean break up, if you're not ready to do that. Rather, do things that make you happy, go places or do things that you enjoy. Even if he can't join you and his focus is elsewhere, that doesn't mean that you have to put your life on hold. Re-engage in your own life and bring some joy back into it. Your regained fun and energy may even perk his spirits.

[Walk]

Another aspect.

 

For me... if I felt that I wasn't able to unconditionally place myself in a supporting role, and if, becuase of my hesitation on committing myself 110%, I felt it might cause someone who counted on that support to suffer.... then I might ask to be relieved of the burden I'd been placed under.

 

If you want to consider the bf and ex's feelings and roles in this... then she should consider whether her hesitation on this matter would affect either of them negatively. During a time when neither of them needs additional stress or concerns in their lives. And decide if she has the capacity and willingness to go above and beyond in the role of support, or not. I don't feel there's any shame in admitting a person may not be as selfless as others would need you to be. Being true to yourself, and how you feel allows you to make the decisions that will benefit you and those you care about the most.

 

To illustrate my point: If I were unable to carry my unconcious bf to the hospital, would it do either of us any good if I were to continue to try without acknowledging he 's too heavy to lift? Or would it serve both of us better for me to realize my limitations, and call an ambulance?

 

Just a thought...

[blind_otter]

Why cant she take care of herself now as she always did ? He told me, the doc initially gave her 9 months but she has exceeded that. I am just someone to confide in ? Is that important to a guy ?

 

It's kind of hard to take care of yourself when you're dying.

 

That said, I pushed people away who love me very much because I am trying to be there 200% for my Dad. The doctors gave him 2 months, but it could be longer. That's how it is with estimates regarding a person's shortened lifespan.

 

People who have devotedly been there to support me, I pull away from because I am grieving and I become a bad person when I do that. I get angry and defensive. I get overly protective of my relationship with my dying relative. I bargain with god, I feel guilty for sometimes wanting him to die. I feel frustrated, angry, depressed, lethargic. All these things.

 

The grieving process begins before the person dies. I would bet money that they way he is acting is largely due to dealing with that grieving process. You are in a difficult position, but if you leave be sure to tell him why so at least he doesn't have to wonder.

 

I wouldn't be surprised if most of my friends and my lover left me right now. I am not the best person to be around. I spend all my energy being cheerful and supportive of my Dad, talking to him, stuffing my pain when I was with him to present a cheerful, uplifting persona. When I get home I am irritable, distant, and I don't talk to anyone for a few hours. I sit and smoke cigarettes and stare out the window. I feel empty, like I have nothing left to give, and I feel like it's not fair to the man I date to be around me like this.

 

And I feared that he felt the same way you did, so I tried to nip it in the bud and push him away from me before he left me at my lowest, after Dad dies when I will be at my most devestated.

[kht]

I am not trying to dampen your spirits.

But I was the one that was dumped when I was sick. I was in a similar situation as this dying girl. What I can say is that is all complicated.

 

My ex left me after I had cancer as well. We were together for 4 yrs. We argued a lot during those times. And then he left but he kept in touch. He was still very nice to me and he helped as much as he could. When my cancer hit a critical point, he came rushing to me, and he had a girlfriend then. He tried his best to keep me going. Encouragement and support. I asked whether he wanted to be with me again, he said he couldnt. Not becos of his gf but because he cannot cope with me being sick.

 

He spent quite much of his time trying to help me back. After a while, I got a little better. Finally, he left his GF and asked me to be with him. He realised after taking care of me that he loved me and he wanted spend his life appreciating me. He finally broke down to confessed that the relationship he has with was also too intense and it really affected his emotions. And being a guy, it was hard for him to deal with. He had a GF as something to keep him from coming back to me. He tried to convince himself he didnt love me when he had always did.

 

Relationships are complicated. People's feelings are complicated. Maybe ur BF really doesnt have feelings for her. But people can do strange things at times. They themselves dont even know the truth in their heart.