hazelgreen96 Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I had an affair 3 years ago with a co-worker, the relationship started out as a friendship and over a long period of time progressed into something that I am very ashamed of that lasted a few months. At the time I was very unhappy with myself and my marriage. My husband suspected but of course I did all of the things that someone does when in a situation like that, I lied about it...and kept lying about it until two months ago. We are seeing a councilor, both together and each one of us has one of our own. My husband has this view that there was nothing wrong with our marriage and that it happened just because I wanted to be with someone else, which is so far from the truth but he refuses to admit to the way things really were with us. I am not saying that it was his fault that it happened, I made the big mistake of turning to someone else...but at the time I was so confused and lost. It is hard to talk to someone who without meaning to makes you feel like you arent worth anything. The affair ended after my husband confronted me with it, and of course I lied about it and for the last few years I have been trying to make things right without telling the truth until just a few months ago. After my confession my husband told me that he also cheated on me, with two different women and had been having chat relationships with several women online. We are trying to work through all of this, but it is very hard when he wont admit that there were things wrong with our relationship. He has so much anger which I totally understand but the things that he says to me and the names that he calls me are starting to become unbearable. I understand his anger, I have a lot of anger too and I am not saying that he doesnt have a right to be angry. I have been doing what my advisor has been telling me to when he starts to become abusive, which is to tell him that I understand why he is feeling this way but that I will not talk to him when he is being verbally abusive. He doesnt recognize that he is being verbally abusive because he is so angry. All it seems to do is add more fuel to the fire and make things much worse. Any help or advise will be welcome.
Hard2Think Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I downloaded a pretty helpful e-book on the subject. Maybe it'll be helpful for you .. http://www.aftertheaffair.net/
Author hazelgreen96 Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 We actually own this book, our councilor recommended it in our first session. We have both read it, but he doesnt seem to try to apply anything from the book to our lives. I have tried several times to utitlize some of the things in the book but every time they back fire and make things worse. I dont know how we are going to get thru this if he doesnt start to recognize the problems we had before...he tells me that I made them up to justify what happened...and that is so not true. Sometimes I really feel like just smashing my head into the next brick wall I run into..it is so frustrating.
whichwayisup Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 IF the love is there and both of you are willing to make the marriage work, then stick with it! Give it all you got! Each of you have made mistakes, made bad choices and hurt eachother. With the loss of trust on both sides now, this is going to be hard (for you both) but keep the faith. Marriage counselling will help and if you are feeling that he's not putting himself in your shoes, or trying to understand why things went wrong, make sure the counsellor works with both of you to communicate and listen better. Give it time.
Author hazelgreen96 Posted August 7, 2006 Author Posted August 7, 2006 Is there such a thing as too much detail? Some of the questions he has asked me or rather hounded me about are very sensitive..I finally gave answers to the questions he was asking but I feel that they have caused more damage to our relationship. I dont even really understand why he needs to know, but he didnt let up on it until I told him. He doesnt really believe that it wasnt about sex, which it wasnt. I dont know how to make him understand.
LakesideDream Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Hazelgreen, How long have you been married? It doesen't sound like it's been to long. Both you and your husband sound very angry. Why are you staying in the relationship? It can't be pleasant to stay angry all the time. Don't kid yourself either, affairs are about SEX. If you wern't looking for intimate human companionship you could have bought a dog, made a new friend, or taken up a hobby. Hiding behind the "it wasn't about sex" ruse won't help your recovery.
Author hazelgreen96 Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Actually it wasnt about sex....we have been married for a long time and didnt spend any time together at all. There is a heck of a lot more to a marriage then just sex....there is the need to have someone to talk to about problems that come up...there is the need to feel like you are being supported, that someone is standing behind you and supporting you when you make a decision or take a stand on something...if you think that the only reason that someone has an affair is because of sex then you have some real thinking, and learning to do about relationships.
LakesideDream Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 I understand you completely. Affairs are not "just" about sex. Sex is the major component that moves an affair from a freindship to a relationship though. If you are honest with yourself you know that your OM isn't the one you look to for validation, and support. His is not the opinion you are seeking. Bad day at work? It's not like you will go to him for a back rub, or bubble bath. Affairs are about romance and excitment. Pretending they are about "support" and having a good person to listen to your problems is pretty silly.
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