Naish Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 2 months ago my GF broke up with me after a 4 year relationship. She now wants to be just friends. The main reason is a classic one. I became a complete wuss..I treated her like a princess, bought gifts, made lots of compliments, express my feelings, etc. I even tried to convince her after the break up. Well, I'm a goodlooking, nice guy with a good job, but unfortunately I killed the attraction she once felt for me. She most likely remembers me in her mind as a insecure and needy guy who I used to be. So, after the break up, I realized my mistakes and tried to impore myself. First I overcome my insecurities. I'm much more powerful and self-confident guy and I feel like I can be with anybody I want. Well, this positive mind set already gave it's prize and I've met somebody but it's not really serious. By the way, I had no contact with my ex until last week. She called me and invited me to drink a cup of smt. At first I acted like very happy, hard to get and socially busy(I am actually) But then I accepted the invitation and met with her yesterday. I was in total control and confident about the situation, I wanted her to know that I'm ok with her decision, I was strong and real man again.. But the real problem is I'm still in love with her and I'm pretty sure she's not interested in me rather than just friends...at least for now:) I know she's single but seeing her again was very painful and I'm not sure seeing her constantly will improve my personal achievement. But I'm still hopeful about getting back together, because I've made such an improvement for myself. The only way for her to realize the fact that I've changed, is to see with her own eyes. But I'm not sure if she will. There's chance that she'll always remember me as I used to be in her unconcious mind. So, I can't decide what should I do.. I'll definetly not contact with her (I learned my lesson). But if she calls, shall I meet with her as a friend, feel the pain and hope she'll realize who I become and feel attraction for me? Or shall I just try to move on completely, give up all the hope and get my only love out of my life forever? Thanks..
Returning Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I've been seeing abit of my Ex recently, I made similar mistakes to yourself during the relationship (16yrs), have made a similar recovery, new wardrobe, improved self esteem, confidence, even joined a gym and lost a couple of stone. I keep it together while I'm with her, don't gush, maintain a comfortable distance; However, it hurts like hell again once I've seen her. She is welcoming the changes in her life and capitalising on new opportunities, she hangs out with a bunch of guy's I went to school with. The idea of being friends is sound in theory but as I am not completely over her the reality is painful, it's like going back to day one of the break-up. I get very low of spirit after seeing her and end up doing more two mile runs than is probably good for me. In my case going back to NC and avoiding her all together would be the logical thing to do. I was feeling a lot happier in myself before she resumed contact 7 months down the line. If you feel no chemistry between you, meaningful eye contact etc, you may be setting yourself up for prolonged pain. Another thread mentions a phenominum called 'emotional lag' were your head can be over the loss and moving on but the emotions take a lot longer to catch up. You need to give yourself time for the two to balance out. I hope it works out for you whatever you choose. For myself I will be digging out the thread by 'No Fooling' and re reading his wise words. It has brought me more pain seeing her than it was when we had No Contact.
Author Naish Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Thanks for the reply Returning. I wonder if it's possible to resparkle the attraction inside of someone. Is there anybody who managed to do that or saw someone do that? I've changed to a person who once she felt attraction for. Is it possible for her to see me this way?
Returning Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Hmmm, depends on what it was about your relationship dynamic that caused you to act like a wuss and unattractive. If it was her and her personality who's to say the same thing won't happen again once you get into the environment? She has a lot of certainties about you and what a relationship was like even though these certainties may be mistaken ones now, only time will erase them. Maybe two years down the line if you still feel the same give her a call and try and hook up. To rekindle the feeling has happened in some cases, only to split up again a few months down the line, and on the very rare occasion do they become co creators of a beautiful relationship. I'm not trying to depress you, just telling you how it is. Try not to build false hopes and concentrate on you and making you happy, she is not the key, you are.
Author Naish Posted August 3, 2006 Author Posted August 3, 2006 Well, thanks again.. I know that you're right, moving on and forgetting about her seems to be the only logical thing to do. But my heart prevents me to do so, it is too hard to let her go. I still have a tiny hope and I don't want to regret my decision in future. I decided to NC and if she calls for a drink or smt, I'll accept for just once. This will help me to see if there's any chemistry between us. I think I owe this for the sake of good old times and for her own good. She's the most wonderful person I've ever met and she deserves someone like me.. Well, I don't seem to be a wuss guy anymore, do I?
Guest Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Naish, I'm trying to figure out why it is that you are in love with this person. Do you really want someone in your life that could walk away from you in the first place. Please don't blame this on your insecurities as being sweet, caring, communicative, and generous (gift giving) are not traiits that I would call being insecure. They are more so traits of one that typically come with being in love with another and wanting to make their life better. Was she not as generous, sweet, caring to you? If not, don't you want someone who will cherish your great qualities? Why would you change who you are for someone else? Seems to me that there has to be other reasons she chose to break up yet she is not inclined to tell you. History says it is another guy she has interest in. Either way it is her loss and there will be others to fill her place for you. In regards to being her friend......let me say this; you will achieve less being in her life at the moment versus removing yourself completely and getting on in life. She made her bed and now you need to let her lay in it. Let her miss you and see what life is like without you in it.
BatteredByLove Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Naish, I did the exact same thing you did. I gave her gifts, not crazy ones, just small little ones, and expressed my feelings, etc, pratically saying I was a wuss. I was also needy and insecure but after the breakup, I learned a lot. This is where I actually thought the breakup was good, if it wasn't for that breakup, I would still be a needy, insecure, wimpy guy, but not anymore, I learned from my mistakes. I also had a change in wardrobe, wearing polos type of shirts all the time(my ex loved polos), I don't know if it's for me or for her. I guess in a way Im trying to win her back. But look at it this way, if you guys hadn't broken up, would you really take a step back and look at your relationship and noticed that you were extremely needy? insecure? wimpy? Every mistake is a lesson learned, now I'm just living my life, if my ex noticed the changes in me, good, then we'll try again someday, but not now, she's currently dating someone else, I'm praying to god it's a rebound lol. The sad thing is... I'm a Sr. this year... and prom... and this was a girl I was with for a year and so and we talked about going to prom together... but... now... sheesh iunno lol.... only time can tell. If it's meant to be, it's meant to be. Cheer up Naish, live life .
Author Naish Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 Thanks a lot all of you. This is a very high-quality forum, all of the replies are wise and helpful. I feel much better. This incident was a very valuable lesson for my life and I've learned lots from it. I'll keep you informed if anything happens. Best of luck to you all..
destination_unknown Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Guys, there is absolutely nothing wrong with treating the woman you are with like a princess and expressing your feelings. Thats what mature, confident, stable women are looking for.
BatteredByLove Posted August 4, 2006 Posted August 4, 2006 Destination, what I'm trying to say is that I gave her small gifts AFTER the breakup, classic mistake....
Guest Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 The only possible way to win her back is to let her go. If you hold on to even an inkling of winning her back you never will. You need to act like she is dead. Ignore her and forget about her. It will be painful in the beginning but less painful than holding out hope only to have it dashed every time she doesn't return your advances. Non contact with her is cough syrup. May not taste good but it is good for you. I also agree with the other poster. When you are in love women do love being treated well by a guy. But I also think there are limits. You don't have to spoil women to get their love and affection. Just be you. Be comfortable with who you are and don't try to impress them. Confident men nornally just live their busy lives and spoil their s/o on rare occasions. Enough to show they love her but not so much they spoil her. I think having a life is key. If you are busy with hobbies and friends and such so that you aren't always crowding your woman then you'll see a healthy relationship.
Abercrombie Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 In my personal opinion anyone can change. She was attracted to you at the start, she can be again.
Author Naish Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 In my personal opinion anyone can change. She was attracted to you at the start, she can be again. I hope so. But it doesn't seem possible for now. I think she needs some time. I'm in NC for 9 days and she didn't call me either. She's a very beautiful lady and I'm afraid someone may already in her life. In that case I don't think I'd want to get back together again. But in my opinion, to change someone's strong believes is very very difficult, especially in terms of relationships. So I decided NOT to try to change her. I've moved on (trying to) and I'm dating with other girls. If she realises that she've made a mistake, I'll think about getting her back, but for now, I just try to think as she's dead.
Author Naish Posted August 9, 2006 Author Posted August 9, 2006 The only possible way to win her back is to let her go. If you hold on to even an inkling of winning her back you never will. You need to act like she is dead. Ignore her and forget about her. It will be painful in the beginning but less painful than holding out hope only to have it dashed every time she doesn't return your advances. Non contact with her is cough syrup. May not taste good but it is good for you. I also agree with the other poster. When you are in love women do love being treated well by a guy. But I also think there are limits. You don't have to spoil women to get their love and affection. Just be you. Be comfortable with who you are and don't try to impress them. Confident men nornally just live their busy lives and spoil their s/o on rare occasions. Enough to show they love her but not so much they spoil her. Most true, great advice.. Thanks. I think having a life is key. If you are busy with hobbies and friends and such so that you aren't always crowding your woman then you'll see a healthy relationship. This is where I was screwed up...
cantshakethelove Posted August 10, 2006 Posted August 10, 2006 Dont let my pessimistic outlook on life bring you down but this is typical of a woman. An attractive, secure woman likes to settle down with a nice guy who will do anything for her and once she gets everything out of him that she wants she leaves. Her next interest of course, is none other then your typical a-hole who will use and abuse her for awhile until he or she breaks it off and then she is back in search of the "nice guy." Although alot of women will not agree to this, women are typically selfish and will get what they want. Be careful with your wishful thinking. Optimism might end up hurting you in the long run. Remain busy and let her know about your new love interests, but if you want to get back with your ex. Do not tell her you have slept with anybody else. Try not to express any feelings leading to a relationship, read the signs and work your magic. Your confidence will point you in the right direction. She will eventually see what she is missing out on. Just try to not ever get back into the habbit of doing EVERYTHING for her. Dependence on one another is not attractive.
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