Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I just don't get IT. I was doing so well today and now this. His mail is supposed to be blocked on my work server and SOMEHOW this gets through this morning!!! What the hell am I supposed to do about this...? Not that I AM going to DO anything...!!! But I am so angry right now. How dare he do this. Why is it he is allowed to tell me how hurtful and painful it all is for HIM... yet he's the one with someone else and FFS!!!!!!!!!! From email... Hello I’m sending this just in case it gets through – I know it might not. I don’t want to cause any more upset. The solicitor called me on Monday to say the forms were ready. I went there and filled them in. It wasn’t a good day. I had to remind myself that I was doing it to give you the security of knowing that you owned the house – not for the other reasons that it seemed to have turned into recently - it doesn’t mean that I want to cut contact, or to say goodbye – I just don’t want that. The forms should be with you today or tomorrow. I think that you have to have someone witness it (if they send you the copy I signed, then the solicitors receptionist started to sign the wrong box, so there’s a scribble in the first witness box). The last paragraph is in lawyer-speak – so I think it is worth asking a solicitor to quickly look at it – let me know if it costs anything, and I will send it to you. It says about me not being liable for things on the house, but I wanted to say that I will always try and help no matter what the circumstances may be. I couldn’t talk last time we spoke, or answer properly because, as always (and still is) it’s all too upsetting. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.
superconductor Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Why would this make you angry? You're getting a house. This is Reason #4,298 why men should never express their emotions, because when they do they just end up getting the other person angry. But seriously, calm down a little bit. You're ending up with real estate.
Author Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 SC, the house is mine anyways, I paid for it with my critical illness insurance. The paperwork is simply the legal relinquishing of the name on the deeds. That's not the issue... the issue is he wants to stay in contact...? For what reason..? Why..? That's what I'm annoyed about.
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Ug- I know how you feel Chinook. I was beginning to go a little nuts hearing "It hurts so much" or "I'm tired of crying all the time..." etc etc etc. "Very" is my exes new favorite word it seems. "I'm very sad" etc etc etc. Uh, if it hurts so much... why aren't you here with me? Why didn't you try to work things out? Yeah.... that's what I thought. I think there are some guys who just can't get a handle on their emotions, Chin. They know they hurt, but it doesn't mean they know why exactly, and it certainly doesn't mean they want to work things out. Because in their brain they're weighing the pain vs. the effort to fix what's happened. I think we both know what side wins that battle more often than not.
superconductor Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 The paperwork is simply the legal relinquishing of the name on the deeds. This is good, obviously. It means that he's not going to go all legal on you for half the house (which he may be entitled to, depending on your jurisdiction). That's not the issue... the issue is he wants to stay in contact...? For what reason..? Why..? That's what I'm annoyed about. Do you have kids? If so, then the reason is obvious. If not, then I dunno, but getting all irritated about it won't do him any harm at all, it will just make your life miserable. Why you are giving him that power over you is something I don't understand.
Author Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 This is good, obviously. It means that he's not going to go all legal on you for half the house (which he may be entitled to, depending on your jurisdiction). Do you have kids? If so, then the reason is obvious. If not, then I dunno, but getting all irritated about it won't do him any harm at all, it will just make your life miserable. Why you are giving him that power over you is something I don't understand. We're in the UK. He can try to go all legal all he wants. I have a paper trail as long as my arm and no judge in the country is going to award him a damn thing regarding a house (which HE left) that was paid out for with an illness insurance from cancer. We do not have kids. I was angry. It's not giving him power. I was so annoyed because I was feeling better and even when I try to block every single avenue of contact... he's still trying to maintain it DESPITE being with someone else!!!!
lindya Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Not that I AM going to DO anything...!!! But I am so angry right now. How dare he do this. Why is it he is allowed to tell me how hurtful and painful it all is for HIM... yet he's the one with someone else and FFS This sounds as if it's all still really raw for you. I'd have thought it would be up to his solicitor to contact you (and advise you to get independent legal advice) rather than for him to do it. His intention was probably to keep some kind of human, non-legalistic element to it all....but obviously contact of any kind from him right now is feeling like salt getting rubbed into the wounds. People are generally pretty ambivalent about long term relationship break ups. You were a major part of his life, and evidently there are a lot of things about you that he'll miss hugely. Should he be allowed to tell you that or not? I guess it's less a case of what's permissible, and more a case of thinking about what's best for you right now....as, when all's said and done, he's the one who initiated the break up that has led to all this pain. One thing you might think about doing is writing to his solicitor to say that you'd grateful if he could advise his client not to correspond with you any further, as you'd prefer to keep matters on a strictly business level.
Author Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 Ug- I know how you feel Chinook. I was beginning to go a little nuts hearing "It hurts so much" or "I'm tired of crying all the time..." etc etc etc. "Very" is my exes new favorite word it seems. "I'm very sad" etc etc etc. <snip> Because in their brain they're weighing the pain vs. the effort to fix what's happened. I think we both know what side wins that battle more often than not. Yeah. (sigh) Okay, I'm a little calmer. I always promised myself from the last contact we had that I would employ the 24 hour rule before doing anything. I broke that and got immediately angry. I'm bit disappointed about that. But hey ho... we all back slide occasionally. I've deleted the mail now.
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Yeah. (sigh) Okay, I'm a little calmer. I always promised myself from the last contact we had that I would employ the 24 hour rule before doing anything. I broke that and got immediately angry. I'm bit disappointed about that. But hey ho... we all back slide occasionally. I've deleted the mail now. A lot of pent up anger results from breaking up... it's looking for ANY avenue to get out. It happens, don't beat yourself up- the 24hr rule is a good one to try to follow.
Author Chinook Posted August 2, 2006 Author Posted August 2, 2006 This sounds as if it's all still really raw for you. I'd have thought it would be up to his solicitor to contact you (and advise you to get independent legal advice) rather than for him to do it. His intention was probably to keep some kind of human, non-legalistic element to it all....but obviously contact of any kind from him right now is feeling like salt getting rubbed into the wounds. People are generally pretty ambivalent about long term relationship break ups. You were a major part of his life, and evidently there are a lot of things about you that he'll miss hugely. Should he be allowed to tell you that or not? I guess it's less a case of what's permissible, and more a case of thinking about what's best for you right now....as, when all's said and done, he's the one who initiated the break up that has led to all this pain. One thing you might think about doing is writing to his solicitor to say that you'd grateful if he could advise his client not to correspond with you any further, as you'd prefer to keep matters on a strictly business level. Lindya, you're right it is raw for me. It's been TWO years on this rollercoaster. He asked me in March about reconciliation and REALLY got my hopes up. But he was conflicted and told me he had made a commitment to 'be there' for his current girlfriend. He even told me he doesn't really love her. But the fact is... he's with her. Not me. I've had to spend time ignoring what he says and drumming the REALITY of the situation into myself to get past this kind of crap from him. I had to do that. In doing that, I explained to him more than a month ago that I was cutting all contact with him. I explained why I had to do so and I explained also that if he loves me but has no intention of ever returning, then his current relationship is never going to work out with me in the picture. I walked away precisely because I love him so much that I want him to be happy. If he feels that person isn't me... then so be it. I can live with that. But he cannot expect me to maintain contact simply because he misses me. He made his choice he has to suck it up and get on with it. What angers me is that he feels able to contact me despite my asking and pleading for him not to do so. To make matters worse... my office autresponse was on because I am at home today. He will know I got the mail and haven't responded. That is going to hurt him. I don't really care that I have to explain why I haven't responded but it hurts me that I have to hurt him to go through with moving forwards. I just don't understand why he couldn't just leave it alone and get on with his life.
Ariadne Posted August 3, 2006 Posted August 3, 2006 Hey, Oh Chinook, he's so wonderful! I loved that letter Ariadne
Author Chinook Posted August 4, 2006 Author Posted August 4, 2006 Oh, yeah I know. (sigh) So nice of him to give me a scrap of his attention when I specifically asked him not to do so. I've reset the filter on the web mail server at work so that it redirects his mail to my home account and that account has a block & delete feature which DOES work.
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hi, I just noticed your post. (This forum doesn't list the messages to you) Well, that sounds really painful what you are doing. Like cutting yourself with a knife I'm sorry things turned out this way, Ariadne
Author Chinook Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 Hi, I just noticed your post. (This forum doesn't list the messages to you) Well, that sounds really painful what you are doing. Like cutting yourself with a knife I'm sorry things turned out this way, Ariadne I know. I'm okay I guess. I think I'm kind of resigned now that this is the way it is. I spent a long time hoping for things to change and they won't change now so I have no choice but to actively or proactively try to move on. It is painful. More painful than anything I've ever experienced because I guess I'd kinda secretly always assumed he would be there. But now... it's gone. Harsh but true. I think I once described it as being like a tree... which has two main branches splitting off it. One of them gets torn away in a storm and leaves the tree looking scarred and uneven. Eventually other branches grow up around the scar and the scar gets weathered and covered over with lichen and other deposits. It will take time for the newly scarred appearance to get less but the original scar where the branch was torn away, will always be there. Like I said, I'm okay.
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Well! I had to go back and read your posts... (And yes, another one that makes me cry, you guys) That was a great analogy about the tree, I can imagine feeling odd and weird and missing something. But then when I read your posts and I just couldn't believe it. It was as if you had everything in the world to be happy and for some silly reason it all blew away. That break up of yours is one of the most useless I've ever read about. Why the hell did you do that for!?!?! (Is like I want to smack you ) You write: I met him when I was 26 and it took me falling in a snowboarding accident and breaking my back, to realise I was head over heels in love with him and from that day to this, I have never felt any different. We spent hundreds of £'s on phonecalls and the pain and stress we endured when separated due to his work was unbelievable. But we stuck with it. We lived together, laughed together, told each other every single day how much we loved each other. This guy, he was 'the one'. This was one of those relationships that people dream about... there was absolutely NOTHING wrong with us. (breast cancer diagnose) Basically, I became very introverted and stopped talking to people (including him) and he basically put his head in the sand. We needed each other - but neither of us knew how to reach out. He was worried that if we became intimate that maybe I could (as if fertility isn't an issue) become pregnant which would likely kick the cancer off again (hormones would be like christmas and birthday to a hormone dependent tumour). So, I felt rejected, isolated and angry. We didn't break up because we didn't love each other. We broke up because there seemed no other way to go Ugh? Is like, he just didn't know what to do and was scared to death to lose you. Is not like he didn't care or was not being supportive, he cared too much! That's how men are, they freak out and feel bad for not being able to make it all better for you. They feel like they have failed you, that's all. Oh, I don't know Chinook. It all seems like a big mistake. A big waste. (And in this case, you even need him for your health). Well, after a while he got together with someone, but you have also dated a few other guys and you realized that that was not what you wanted. You wanted him. He is with someone now that he is conflicted about, probably he is feeling similar to the way you did with the other folks. I believe in unconditional love myself and forgiving, forgiving everything no matter what. Anyway, I just wish I could give you that moment in the snow Chinook, where you fell, back to you. I'm so very sorry, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Author Chinook Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 hey, thankyou for looking back. You're right. It was a useless breakup but to be honest when you're in the eye of the sh*tstorm, you don't really know what you're doing from one moment to the next! Half the problem now is that yes, we both do still care and we both do still love each other... probably too much really. I often wonder whether if we don't end up reconciling, the simple thought of each other is going to destroy whatever we have with other folks too. It's crappy. Love isn't just about the nice things... it can be destructive too. I think this is why I walked away this time. I'd dearly love to stay in his life... but the reality is now that he's with someone else and no matter what we each feel... we can't go back.
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Well, It sure is tough. But he has also suggested reconciliation to you, and weeps for you over the phone up till now. Life is too precious to be wasted with this nonsense. Besides, I doubt that he is happy or making that girl any happy, if he is meant to be with you. I'd reach out if I were you and start all over again... Best of luck to you Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Author Chinook Posted August 5, 2006 Author Posted August 5, 2006 I'd reach out if I were you and start all over again... I tried to do that. He's stuck where he is because he doesn't want to hurt her either. She left her home country to be with him... he feels obligated to stay. He isn't happy. You're right. Thing is, I can't make him leave. He knows how things are and he knows how I feel. Where is the line between reaching out and stalking in this scenario...? And I most certainly am not going down the route of falling into being my ex partner's OW. Right now, there is no way forward unless HE sees a way forward. Right now, he knows how the deal is with me. I have to step away. Like I said, all that really matters to me is he's happy. He tells me he's okay and he's happy... then I have to trust him. He won't say it right now and he hasn't said he's where he wants to be either - so I'm left in limbo. No way forward and no way back. So it's easier to take the choice to just step away for a while because I'm tired. Exhausted with it. Sorry to sound so defeated but I really do know how it is to be faced with life being so short. So my theory is I have a choice between pain and peace. I have to go for the latter. If not happiness, there is alot to be said for being at peace with yourself... even if it takes me a significant amount of time to do so.
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hi again, Oh, I know just what you mean... He is a man of honor, a man of his word. One of the good ones. So he feels obligated to stay I'm kind of in a similar situation myself. The man I love proposed marriage to this girl and she said no, so he promised her that he'll wait for her for as long as it took. Then, we met. And if I was ever sure I had found my soulmate, that was it. We were alike, we thought alike, everything he said was something that I'd say, we responded to things in the same way, and when we looked at each other we could see right into each other's soul. We could feel everything each other was feeling and thinking, just by being near each other. And when we touched it was like touching heaven, we just couldn't keep our hands off each other, and we even cried together because the emotions were just overwhelming. But, at the same time, he was bound to his promise and he was going to make sure he was going to stick to it. So his response was to do everything he could to keep a distance So now, somehow, he got together with her and I wonder if he is happy. As happy as he can be. Because they have nothing to do with each other. She is ruthless, uses violence, is controlling, and does things that he'd never do in a million years. I just think he was infatuated with her. But, what do I know, they are together now and he is forbidden to talk to me by her. (And yes, he'll respect that). Is like he died, when I know that he is just there. Just there. What can I do, suck it up just like you. So I'm with you and I can relate to you. But it is hard to let go and close the door when you know the connection and the depth of the feelings are there. I know, I know. Well, good luck, we'll have to wait and see what the future holds for us and take it one day at a time, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Ariadne Posted August 5, 2006 Posted August 5, 2006 Hey, But you are still better off than I am, I'd say. You could still be his friend. I'd sure go for that if I had that choice. I'd wouldn't want him out of my life, and I'd take anything he'd be willing to give me, Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Author Chinook Posted August 6, 2006 Author Posted August 6, 2006 You could still be his friend. I'd sure go for that if I had that choice. I'd wouldn't want him out of my life, and I'd take anything he'd be willing to give me Well, given everything that we've been through and given exactly how much he is hurt too... and how much we both care about each other, it makes it a real unfeasible situation. The problem is, he will never stop caring about me and even more so if I am in the picture. The key issue is, in this reality he has made a choice to stay with his girlfriend. Not because he has to or because he's obliged to because they are not married or even living together. He's made that choice because he wants to irrespective of how he feels for me. Sometimes, there is simply just too much pain in the past and you just can't go back or in fact (as with us) go anywhere near it. So, I also made a choice that despite how I feel about him, I also want him to be happy. I want him to have as happy a life as he can have because he's been through stuff which no 35 year old should have to go through. To me, this means stepping away from him... his life with his girlfriend will never be settled as long as he and I have contact. She will always wonder about the closeness we have and he will not give up contact with me voluntarily. When it came down to it... someone had to take the decision to do the best and right thing for everyone. Sometimes, doing that doesn't always work out to be doing what is best for yourself and it doesn't always mean fulfilling your own needs. For me, it means I made a choice not to be faced with the pain of knowing how we both feel but seeing him with someone else and really, that's what the bottom line was... could I deal with that... and the answer really was, no.
Ariadne Posted August 6, 2006 Posted August 6, 2006 Hi again, For me, it means I made a choice not to be faced with the pain of knowing how we both feel but seeing him with someone else and really, that's what the bottom line was... could I deal with that... and the answer really was, no. Well, I could. I could if he told me he was happy. And even if he was not happy I'd try and cheer him up. I don't care who he is with, I don't even care what he tells me (because I know everything he says it beautiful and kind). But I can see what you say about their relationship being unsettled as long as you are in the picture. I suppose that's why she doesn't want me to talk to him. It's tough but, such is life I guess. Ariadne __________________ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥ ~ ♥
Ariadne Posted August 7, 2006 Posted August 7, 2006 Hey Chinook, How is it going today? Well, I'm having a very tough day, yesterday too. I've been crying non stop and I don't know why. Why I feel so sad out of nowhere. I guess I feel sad about everything. Last night I went to her blog for the first time in two months. I had stopped going there because I'd get creeped out and sick. But I wanted to know what was going on so I went. Well, look at what she wrote on July 23rd (just a few days ago) after posting a picture of his in a chain mail attire at the Renaissance fair: I realized today that I am the luckiest girl on the planet. Ground zero, luckiest. Not only is my sweetie super sexy in chain mail. Not only is he tall, brilliant and gorgeous. Not only does he accept and encourage that I carry a bunny in my purse. Not only is he the enabler of my stuffed animal addiction. All of that, AND, he knows that when that time of the month rolls around, there should be a pint of Ben and Jerry's "Chunky Monkey" easily accessable in the freezer. I reached for it, and there it was. Ground zero luckiest girl of all time. I love you, ******. ---------------------- Sigh... I wanna die... Sounds like I am never ever, ever, ever, going to talk to him again. I suck! Ariadne
Author Chinook Posted August 8, 2006 Author Posted August 8, 2006 Aww Jeez Aiadne that's awful. But you know what you'd advise me..? Don't look! I know it's easy enough to say and it's hard. But you're only ending up hurting now. Wish there was something else I could say which would make things better but there isn't really. As for me, I'm okay. I'm engaging in trying to distract myself instead of moping around the house. I joined a new gym yesterday and I joined an online dating service. Absolutely no way am I ready for dating anyone but this thing has a message forum and 'friendship' facility which allows you to slowly get to know people instead. So that kinda made me feel much better and I found I wasn't so upset yesterday.... and if I'm honest... am trying to limit my LS activity... so that I don't think about the break-up so much. There's been the odd moment of 'wishing' things would change - but nothing too significant. (sigh)
Ariadne Posted August 8, 2006 Posted August 8, 2006 Hey Thanks, Yes, I know, I stopped going there for that same reason. I'd get all creeped out and sick. But the thing is he had his own blog that he updated every 2 or 3 days, and ever since he got together with her he stopped! I have no idea why. Let's say that once a month he'd write a paragraph about something technical he's been doing now. So many times I feel like I'm loving a ghost, or who was that guy? I question myself if he is real or if he is still there. So one night after having a drink I went to her blog to find "that". So I guess they are happy together yadda yadda... and going places. As for you, good thing going to the gym. I do that sometimes, when I'm not too bummed to get out of the house. I guess I'm not motivated. And about the dating service is a great idea I'd say, also that you have the choice of being friends. I don't want to do that because I'm not working, plus not working for a while after I got fired I gained some weight. So I don't feel ready to meet some guy and say hi, I don't do anything, I'm in love with a guy across the country that doesn't talk to me, etc. Well, I wouldn't tell them that right away but still. LS can be a double-edged sword, true. And I also have moments of wishing things could change, but only in dreams for me I suppose. Hugs, Ariadne
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