the_alchemyst Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 I don't understand myself. Ok. As some of you know, I lived in the whole "on and off" type of relationship, that, quite miraculously, managed to span out to 2 1/2 years of dating. The first year was bliss. Duh. But then everything went downhill, and now that I think about my reasoning and behavior, I realize I have no clue what was going through my mind (not that I know now, but whatever). When I was with the exbf, things were magnificent for the first few weeks; everything was nice and pretty, which made me feel nice and pretty. But then I would get these thoughts in my head: "I kinda don't want to be with him. Look at him--he's such a bum: no schooling, crappy job, not that great-looking, absolutely horrid temper, etc. I wish I could be by myself and just be me. Just be happy and carefree; I don't want to be worrying about when he'll head for home, why he hasn't called, how long his anger will last and so on. I just want to be me and be happy existing freely from the shackles of a bittersweet love. I just want to forget him, and return to being the me who used to exist happily without him and his sweet poison." Or something like that. Then, of course, we would fight over stupid things. Most of the fights came from these stupid friends he has. He would want to go out 2-3 times a week with them, come home whenever the hell, sometimes all wobbly from too much alcohol consumption, call me (when he got home--think 5 am), expect me to answer (or else, ho-boy!), and be all merry and chipper. Well, I wasn't! I disliked this behavior he displayed very, very much! (I honestly disliked the idea of him going out with those mongrels, so it was always a problem.) The next time I saw him, I'd be in a rather bitter mood, and poof!--problem, leading to argument, leading to break-up. So, in this sense, I got what I had been desiring--my freedom. Ok. What do I do? I nearly die every single time. My mind shifts to thinking: "Wow, I'm such an idiot. Why am I bothered so much by him hanging out with them? It's only 3 times a week maximum, and the rest of the time he usually spends with me. And there's nothing wrong with him drinking a little. I miss him. What's wrong with me? It's like I purposely want to sabotage myself. He does love me, and I do love him. Why can't I accept that and try to smooth out the rough edges instead of trying to take everything apart and mold it into my liking? How I wish I could hug him. Oh, how I miss him." Or something like that. Anyway, my thought-patterns are extremely different, but that's how they are: a few weeks into the patch up, I want to run away; then we end up actually parting ways, and I wish we never had. It's like I was never satisfied with anything. The only thing I'm sure of, in fact, is that I love him. But sometimes I feel like I just don't know how to love. When I am in a more neutral mindset, I tend to think: "I love him, and I miss him terribly when he's gone. I know it's partly because I love him and partly because I miss the cold comfort. I am so used to him, and I really don't want to get used to anyone else. The thought of him with another decays my soul. I hate his friends or at least, I think I do. I wonder if I hate them, (perhaps mistakingly) thinking that they are major reasons for arguments and estrangements between us. Or maybe I hate them because I feel like I always lose him to them. Or maybe I just hate myself for not being able to accept the fact that he wants to have friends. Whatever the reason, I don't like them, and I wish they wouldn't be friends. I miss him. I love him. He loves me. But yet, something's missing--I just wish I knew what it was." Or something like that. I don't get it. And another thing: sometimes, upon pseudo-reflection, I come to the conclusion that I was too nice. I feel that I always compromised sometimes a little too much, that I went out of my way to make time for him a little too much, that I didn't get angry enough when I was offended, and that because of this, he took me for granted. Is there such a thing as being too nice? I think so. But, in my case at least, I always felt that while I may have been too nice with him--to the point of being a push-over, I also felt that being any other way would be a facade. Being nice to him came naturally--I wasn't trying to be nice. If I tried to act tough, it felt that that was exactly what I was doing: acting. And I would end up feeling bad for being pretentious with my feelings. But maybe I'm just thinking too much tonight.
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Is there such a thing as being too nice? I think so. But, in my case at least, I always felt that while I may have been too nice with him--to the point of being a push-over, I also felt that being any other way would be a facade. Being nice to him came naturally--I wasn't trying to be nice. If I tried to act tough, it felt that that was exactly what I was doing: acting. Hey A- You love this guy... it happens. And you're nice to him, but he sounds less than respectful of your wants/needs back. If being nice comes natural- be nice! But it should be to someone who deserves it. Some guys do... some don't. Some begin to take it for granted, and it falls apart in the wake of the rest of life. (Like my ex expecting me to agree with his career decisions unconditionally- despite the fact they were naive and idealistic. I've been asking myself a lot lately- why did he want me as a wife when it seemed he didn't respect my opinions on long term decisions that would affect not just him, but us?) I know how you feel about imagining him w/ someone else as well- it's probably the worst thing, huh? Like getting kicked in the gut. You're wondering how he could want someone else, what else it is he's looking for, etc. Ok, I don't know if I have a point. But I feel for you. I'd kill for a hug from my ex right about now as well. And that indecisions you can't shake when you're with him... I remember that too. Nothing's changing hon- and that means nothing probably will for a long time. I hate the concept of "letting go" but there's only two real options here: that, or continuing the stressful back and forth. That's the decision YOU have to make.
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hey Kitten, I hate the concept of "letting go" but there's only two real options here: that, or continuing the stressful back and forth. That's the decision YOU have to make. No, there's the option to talk to him. Why don't you, Kitten? (Put some sense into that guy). I've read your posts and I think you and that guy are soulmates (for what I read about the relationship). I really wish that you and him would get back together, Ariadne
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hi, a few weeks into the patch up, I want to run away; then we end up actually parting ways, and I wish we never had. It's like I was never satisfied with anything. I can relate to that. But if you have been doing it for 21/2 years, it seems like your partner is happy with his buddies and doesn't have a problem with your spaz. Ariadne
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hey Kitten, I hate the concept of "letting go" but there's only two real options here: that, or continuing the stressful back and forth. That's the decision YOU have to make. No, there's the option to talk to him. Why don't you, Kitten? (Put some sense into that guy). I've read your posts and I think you and that guy are soulmates (for what I read about the relationship). I really wish that you and him would get back together, Ariadne Oh darling, I tried to no avail. To be honest, I don't even know who my ex is anymore. His actions of the past few months have not been the actions of the person I knew. If that guy comes back... well he knows where I am.
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hey, Oh, bummer. Well, at least he contacted you with the ER thing, and he told you he was not over you. Is like he is stubborn, I don't get it. Well, good luck anyway, Ariadne
KittenMoon Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hey, Oh, bummer. Well, at least he contacted you with the ER thing, and he told you he was not over you. Is like he is stubborn, I don't get it. Well, good luck anyway, Ariadne He's going through some sort of personal crisis I think... his first one too and I think it's upsetting him A LOT. He's beginning to realize the things he thought he'd get easily in life really aren't so easy. And he's hurting a lot of people in the process, outside of me, and I don't think he really realizes it. It's starting not to matter that he's not over me (though heck maybe he is by now)... because of what else he's doing. Like I said, I don't know that guy anymore. Sorry to hijack Alchy.
Ariadne Posted August 2, 2006 Posted August 2, 2006 Hey, Yeah, sorry alchemyst. He doesn't want to be friends? Ariadne
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